Chapter 3
It had been three weeks since Lily had signed the contract to tour with Sirius Black. Three weeks of shopping for concert outfits and getting her hair done to look like as Mary said “a hot gay rockstar”. Three weeks of writing new songs for a possible EP, maybe even an album by the end of tour and building a setlist of her available and unreleased songs that she enjoyed and felt complimented what she’d heard so far of Sirius’ upcoming album. Three weeks of spending as much time as possible with her girls because of all the things that made her legs shake and palms sweat about the prospect of tour being without her chosen family was the one that scared her the most.
It had been two weeks since Sirius had announced the tour and that she would be supporting him. In those two weeks her Spotify listeners had tripled and her follower count on Tiktok seemed to grow by the thousands everyday. It was all a little overwhelming, a month ago she’d been the stereotypical starving artist and now she was touring with one of the rising stars of the music industry. Every time she got a new follower or positive comment she felt herself full with doubt that she was really deserving of this but then she’d look at Sirius’s comment. He’d believed in her. Him and his manager personally picked her to support this tour if he had seen it there had to be something there.
It was one week until her flight to Los Angeles, the first stop of the tour. She had one more week to perfect her songs and the introductions she made to them every night. One more week to pack up her whole life into no more than three bags and prepare to travel around the country sharing her deepest fears and desires with people who’d probably never heard her name before. One more week to completely overcome her crippling performance anxiety.
Yeah she was absolutely ready for this. Wasn’t she?
She sat on her bed that night, the night that marked her last week in her home for a very very long time, guitar in hand intending to run through her set, maybe make a few song switches but she couldn’t make her finger stop shaking long enough to hold down the frets. Lily knew her anxiety well. She could always feel the spirals of unwanted thoughts coming from miles away and usually what grounded her, anchored her back to her physical body was music. Sometimes putting in her earbuds and blasting the playlist she’d first made at 14 and had been adding to ever since titled “Recovery” made specifically for when she felt an anxiety attack coming or was already in the throwers of one. Sometimes it was getting her guitar and playing something, anything just to make her fingers sting and remind her she was real. But today music was the thing that was making her head swim with the things she couldn’t control. Listening to her playlist only made her feel like her own music was inadequate and holding her guitar made her brain flash with images of a massive crowd looking disinterested as she poured her heart out to them.
She could feel her breathing quickening and tears pricking at her eyes. She barely had the presence of mind to gently set her guitar down before it fell from her shaking hands. She slid from her bed and sat on the floor letting the anxiety attack take over her body. She tried to remember the other strategies she’d taught herself over the years something about the five senses she couldn’t remember. Couldn’t pull it from the recesses of her brain that were quickly filling with darkness. The only words her mind could supply were a steady stream of “I’m not good enough” and “I’m not ready” and “I can’t do this”.
A knock at the door shattered the silence breaking her from her spell even if only for a second. “Lily?” It was Mary's soft voice that came through the closed door and Lily wanted to tell her to come in but she couldn’t steady her breathing long enough to push the words out. Mary didn’t need to be told though she could read Lily like no one else so Lily watched as the doorknob turned and her best friend entered her bedroom. Mary didn’t speak, she just lowered herself to the floor next to Lily. She made no move to touch Lily either, just left her hand close enough that Lily could reach out on her own, grazing Mary’s pinky finger with hers. The single point of contact grounded her enough that she was able to look up into Mary’s eyes. They were not full of concern or pity, just understanding.
“You don’t have to tell me what’s going up there,” Mary said, gesturing vaguely to Lilys forehead “but I’m here if you want to.”
Lily did want to. More than anything, but she didn’t know how to say it. How could she tell Mary, the most talented person she knew who was still waiting on her big break, that she was terrified of this massive opportunity that had been dropped into her lap. She didn’t want to sound ungrateful or childish. She just sat there looking at Mary searching for the words.
After a minute or two Mary spoke up. “You know we’re not mad at you right?” Lily gaped. Of all the things that could have come out of Mary’s mouth, that was one she wasn’t expecting. Mary continued, seemingly unphased by Lily's shocked reaction, “You think we haven’t noticed you’ve been walking on eggshells around us the last three weeks? I know you, we all do, so we know the first thing you thought when you got that email was why you? But I promise that is not what
any of us thought. You are so talented and so hardworking and you getting your flowers makes me so proud. Just because you were noticed before me or Emm or Alice doesn’t mean we’re jealous or mad we can’t wait to watch you succeed. You need to look at yourself the way we do Lils, you’re always your own harshest critic.”
Lily felt a new flood of tears rise up in her eyes but for entirely different reasons. She hadn’t realized how worried she was that they would feel the same way she did, that each and every one of them were more deserving of this opportunity than she was. Hearing that her friends, her chosen family, felt she deserved this was almost enough to make her feel like that was true.
Mary reached up and wiped a falling tear from Lily’s cheek. “Remember who you do it for babes.” she said with a soft smile. They sat like that for a moment before Mary squeezed Lily’s hand and got up. “I’m going to make us some cookies.”
Lily watched her leave feeling indescribably grateful for her best friend. Her breathing had returned to normal and her fingers itched to play her guitar. She thought of Mary’s words. “Remember who you do it for”. Slowly she began to hum her fingers strumming gently.
“After all the curtains close
They’ll leave seats and go on home
They might not know a single word I’ve said
If the highlight reel is on repeat
But only on repeat for me
Can I say I’d do it all again”
She sang softly the words had come to her without her having to think on them too deeply they just rolled out of her.
“If I’m being honest don’t know if I could tell you
Who’s the harshest critic in the room
It could be the studio audience but they’re just paying for admission
And I’m the one with everything to lose
Who’s the harshest critic in the room?”
———
On the morning of her flight to LA Lily woke at 3am. Well woke was a strong word; she hadn’t really slept much at all. Her brain just wouldn’t turn off, wouldn’t stop making fake scenarios of her ruining everything before the tour even started. At three though she fully rolled out of bed needing to get ready for her 8 am flight. She’d have to be at JFK at 5 so she had two hours. Normally she wouldn’t care what she looked like getting on an airplane, she’d put on deodorant because she’s not a monster but makeup felt unnecessary. Today though she'd be meeting Sirius Black who even as a raging lesbian Lily could was an insanely attractive man. She wanted to look her best, ok she’d be arriving from a six hour flight looking her best was impossible but she wanted to at least be presentable.
She showered using her favorite watermelon scented body wash then blow dried her hair paying special attention to her bangs and did a simple no makeup makeup look drawing on a few extra freckles. After about an hour she finally exited the bathroom. She was dressed already in what she hoped was an effortlessly cool combination of a Fleetwood Mac tee shirt and loose fitting jeans. She appraised herself in her room's full length mirror. She looked cool, really cool. She almost looked, dare she say it, like a rockstar. Seeing her reflection made her feel a confidence about this tour adventure she hadn’t felt since she’d signed the contract. She felt like a real musician.
She went into the shared living room as quietly as she could hoping not to wake her roommates but quickly realized she shouldn’t have worried. Every single one of her roommates was already in the room fully dressed and ready to go. She’d planned on taking an Uber to JFK by herself so she wouldn’t have to wake them at an ungodly hour but of course they wouldn’t accept that. She should’ve expected it really, she wouldn’t be seeing them again until the New York City show in 4 and a half weeks of course they wouldn’t let her leave without a proper goodbye. She held her breath to stop the tears pricking at her eyes. She wouldn’t let herself ruin her mascara, but god she felt so much love for these girls.
Emmeline was the first to break the silence. “The Ubers on its way. We’re all going with you. All the way to security.” At that Lily let the tears spill. She couldn’t believe she’d found people who loved her like this and that she’d be spending the next two months without them. Emmeline surged forward when she saw the tears streaking Lily's cheeks pulling her into a tight hug and soon the other three piled on too. Lily let out a choked laugh. They stood there all four of them laughing and crying and hugging until Emmelines phone pinged alerting them that their uber had arrived.
They climbed into the car each of them with their eyes red and puffy but the driver was kind enough not to comment on it. The car was crowded with all five of them and Lily’s three suitcases but she’d never felt more comfortable squished between Mary and Alice. They didn’t speak on the drive, couldn’t find the right way to say all the things they meant to each other, how proud they were, how much they’d miss each other, how they were family.
When they arrived at the airport Lily felt her apprehension creep back in. Seeing everyone rushing around with their bags made her realize just how big the world outside of New York City was. She’d never been anywhere other than the city and her small Texas hometown. Now she was getting on a plane to Los Angeles and then she’d be traveling across the country. She took a deep breath, she was ready.
Lily walked with her roommates navigating the hustle and bustle of arriving tourists and businessmen leaving for conferences until finally they reached the long security line. They had to say goodbye. Lily felt her fingernails digging into the palm of her hand, a tactic she used to keep herself from crying.
Alice stepped forward first pulling Lily into a warm tight embrace. “You’ve got this Lily. And tell Sirius if he’s looking for someone to direct his music videos I’m available.” Lily let out a wet chuckle into Alice’s shoulder. Then Amelia took Alice’s place in front of Lily. She pulled a rolled up paper out of her tote bag and passed it to Lily. “I made you this a few days ago. I was thinking maybe you could talk to someone on Sirius’s team and get it made into shirts.” Lily unrolled the paper gently to find a gorgeous watercolor portrait of herself wearing a red cowboy hat framed with the words “Lily Evans Found Heaven Tour”. Lily couldn’t believe how beautiful the design was and because she had no words she simply pulled Amelia into a hug.
Then Emmeline stepped forward gently grabbing Lily's face in her hands. “You are going to have the most amazing time Lils. We’re so proud of you.” Lily let a tear fall and Emmeline wiped it away softly with her thumb.
Finally Mary stepped into Lily's space. They simply looked at each other not needing to say anything before Mary took Lily's hands in hers and simply said “Remember who you do it for”. Then with one last group hug Lily waved goodbye to her girls and walked further into the airport.
After security and a long wait at the gate Lily finally boarded the plane. She was in a window seat and she looked out at New York, the city that felt more like home then Texas ever had. She put in her headphones and closed her eyes allowing herself to drift off to sleep knowing that when she woke up she’d be living her dream.