Post #3
AITA for being upset when the guy “pursuing” me suddenly got married to someone else?
u/redflower
I (23F) had known this guy for a little over 12 years. Let’s call him J (24M). We went to the same boarding school and got into the same department, but we were not friends. I was one of the top students, serious with my studies, and maintaining my pristine reputation. On the other hand, J—while being one of the top students also—was more or less a troublemaker who led his group of friends into serious trouble most of the time.
I don’t know how he knew me but one day, during second year in our boarding school (I was 13, he was 14), he approached and “declared” his love for me in front of everyone. It was humiliating. He had such a shit-eating grin across his face that I thought his confession was a joke at first. Angry at being played at, I promptly stomped on his foot and yelled at his face to leave me alone.
Somehow, that did the exact opposite. J was suddenly everywhere I was. In the library. In the courtyard. In the Great Hall. Just everywhere. I couldn’t shake him off. I mean, who was this guy? He was such an arrogant toe-rag. He couldn’t and didn’t leave me. The worst part were his confessions. It was always so loud and public. Most of the time, I was left humiliated by our classmates’ teasing. No matter how many times I rejected him, he just wouldn’t leave me alone.
He told me countless times how pretty I was, how he admired my intellect, how he was amazed by my abilities and how in awe he was of my talents. He gave me flowers, sweets, love letters, teddy bears, and a lot more. He’d crack a joke or ramble about his day, and he always never leaves a room without interacting or trying to talk to me.
I didn’t like him at first. But admittedly, despite the constant harassment, J grew onto me. I looked forward to his greetings, to his ramblings, to his compliments, and gifts. I pretended to hate his attention yet I looked forward to seeing him everyday. But I don’t like him that way, and I never wanted to lead him on, so I always rejected him no matter what.
Somehow, the years passed. J was very consistent since day 1. He never stopped “pursuing” me. I’d call him an arrogant toe-rag and he’d slide the insult off his shoulders like it was water. J was very attractive and he was so confident and self-assured, no amount of hurtful words could shake him, and I admit I said a lot of hurtful words. Yet, he always comes back. He never left me. Somehow, it makes things better and worse at the same time.
We graduated from boarding school and J, his friends, and I went into the same university. Not knowing anyone else, I spent more time with J. I got to know him better and I considered him one of my closest friends. Of course, during that time, I went off of dates with other guys. It never really lasted long since some of them were intimidated by J and his friends, and others I didn’t connect with due to a lack of something whether common interests or chemistry. On the other hand, I’ve never seen nor heard of J dating, and I never asked since I respect his privacy too much.
Somehow, people ask and assume that J and I were dating. It’s not surprising. J has always been there for me, picking me up from school or work, bringing me food in the dorms, greeting and calling out to me whenever we were in the same place, and staying with me in clubs or bars whenever our friend group mingled and mixed.
But we weren’t dating. While I didn’t have the same dislike as I had back in boarding school, I still didn’t see him in a romantic way. I considered him a good friend, so I was always quick to deny that we’re dating. J, as always, would counter my rejections and denials with, “I’m still chasing after her. Wish me luck, mate.” I just brush it off most of the time and scold him at other times.
Our dynamic continued until we graduated from university and went on to our separate ways. I got into a job at a Pharmaceutical company where I help develop medicine. Meanwhile, J started working at his dad’s company, a beauty care and fashion line of all things. We still met up but due to our busy lives, we couldn’t meet and catch up more frequently. J was still there for me, bringing me flowers to work or offering to get me lunch, or taking my workmates and I out to dinner. He’d text me I love you and call me late into the night with the excuse of hearing my voice.
My workmates assume we’re dating, but I’m always quick to deny it. J and I were just friends. I know he’s no longer playing me—well, he never played with me in the first place. I knew that he was serious with every confession he uttered. But I never replied to any of them. To be honest, I’ve grown comfortable with what we have. Dating would only change things between us. I liked our friendship as it is, I didn’t want to date him.
Somehow, I got busy with work and hardly had time for anything else. I was overworked and stressed out with deadlines from our benefactors that I no longer had the time to meet up with J. Of course, J made time for me by visiting my workplace and dropping off food. Sometimes, he’d visit me in my flat and he’d clean my place when I was too tired to do so. I’m grateful for his constant presence and support, but it got to a point where he was too much.
He had always been too much, and I couldn’t keep up. He was suddenly always there like he was in boarding school. I couldn’t help but lash out at him one evening, called him hurtful names, told him that he wasn’t my boyfriend and I could take care of myself. J didn’t respond while I screamed at him. The insults and words I’ve said continued to slide off his shoulders, as always. After I was done, I was too exhausted to notice anything else. I don’t even remember most of what I said. J merely helped me get into bed, left food, and then my flat.
I thought things would return to normal afterwards. It had always been that way. I’d scream at his face and he’d still return the next day. Honestly, at that time, I was busy catching up to deadlines that I didn’t notice anything strange at first. But, during work, I realized that I hadn’t heard from him for sometime. When I checked our messages, his last text was a couple of days ago—a record for him to be honest—and he hadn’t sent food or any gifts since the day I lashed out at him.
It was so strange. He didn’t seem angry when I was screaming at him. He even took care of me when I was done. I figured he was busy and made note to visit and text him once I caught up with my deadlines. It took several weeks before I messaged J, who at that point hadn’t contacted me since. I messaged him to catch up and he replied few hours later, which was weird because he always replied to me in mere minutes unless he was sleeping. What was weirder was him rejecting my invitation to dinner, stating that he was busy.
I found it strange at first but brushed it off, considering I knew he was working to become CEO once his dad retired. I really should’ve known something was up with him, but like I said, J had always been there for me. No matter what. It never occurred to me that he’d move on and marry someone else! Fuck!
But over the course of several months since I asked him to dinner, our correspondence dwindled into nothing. J no longer visited my workplace or flat. He no longer accepted any invitation to have lunch or dinner. He no longer brought me gifts or lunch or anything else. My workmates, those who didn’t know I wasn’t dating J, asked if he and I broke up. I immediately set the record straight of course.
The only times I’ve seen J was only in a group setting and even then, he seemed to be avoiding me. It was so weird. I was so used to being his center of attention, it drove me nuts to find that he’s no longer there beside me. I confronted him during one of our group outings, asking if he was mad at me for lashing out at him. He assured me that that no feelings were harmed, and that he was merely busy. When I pointed out that he was avoiding me, he got flustered and said that it was just something out of respect and necessity.
I told him friends don’t avoid each other. But he suddenly looked grim and serious when I said that. When he said, “have we always been friends tho?” I got nervous for some reason I couldn’t understand. I didn’t answer his question and luckily, his friends called for him, and our discussion was over just like that. Months passed, and J was still avoiding me. I was too proud and angry over at his actions, that I never contacted him again. I wasn’t about to grovel or “chase” after a guy. If he didn’t want to be friends, then I wouldn’t put the effort in being one to him.
And then that fateful day happened. A few weeks ago, I got an invitation in my mailbox. You could not believe the surprise and shock I felt when I saw that it was a wedding invitation from J and he was the groom! I thought it was a prank of course where J would be the groom and I’d be the unexpected bride. J and his friends were always pranking people. I immediately sent a text to J and scolded him about the wedding invite, telling him that if it was a prank, I’d be seriously mad.
He texted me, “LOL no. That’s an invitation to my wedding with (bride’s name). See you there!”
The whole world stopped. I had to double check the invitation again and saw that the bride’s name wasn’t mine. I was so shocked and confused, I couldn’t even understand it. How did he get a girlfriend? Was this the reason why he’d was no longer around, why he never showed up anymore? I freaked out and did something I’m not proud of. I called him and when he picked up, I screamed at him. I honestly just don’t know anymore. I honestly didn’t even know the words coming out of my mouth until it was done and over with.
When J spoke, it was honestly such a cold voice that it stopped me short because he never spoke like that to me. He said something along the lines of, “I understand why you’re surprised. I should’ve told something about it sooner, but you have no right to be mad about me getting married when we’re just friends.” After that, he hung up and I was just left standing there.
I texted my friends soon afterwards, especially our mutual friends, asking about who his bride was and how long has J dated her. A mutual friend called me to share J’s story. He and his bride met at an orphanage that J’s family was sponsoring, and somehow they hit it off. They’ve only been together for four months before J proposed and she agreed, and now they were getting in several weeks.
I asked if the bride was pregnant and my friend said no, that J and her were just totally in love with each other. I laughed, and pointed out how impossible that was because J loves me, not her. I was the one he pursued for several years. Then my friend pointed out that I was the one who led J on—which I didn’t!—and that J deserves to find someone who loves him with the same intensity he has loved me.
I couldn’t understand why they’re defending J and why they sounded as if they liked his bride. Shouldn’t they be upset at J for replacing me so easily? For getting married to someone else when he was the one pursuing me for many years? And seriously, I just couldn’t accept and believe the way they sung the bride’s praises. Every single one of the friends I’ve asked just had compliments for this girl, even J’s best friend, who I felt never truly liked me.
Even now, when a few weeks had passed since I found out that J was getting married, I still couldn’t believe it. When I met up with friends and asked about J, they now include her into their conversations. That’s when I realized that I was the only one within our mutual friends who didn’t know that J was dating someone. I couldn’t help but feel that it was another slight that J did to me, not telling me about his relationship.
I texted J a few times, asking about his relationship, but he rarely replied, and I couldn’t help but think that his bride had something to do with it. After all, J and I had history. Maybe J started avoiding me because his bride told him to or he didn’t want to hurt me or maybe he did it out of fear that his bride would be mad at him. I asked him—discreetly of course—if his bride was preventing him from seeing me, and told him that he shouldn’t allow her to control his behavior, that her actions were unacceptable since J and I were friends.
J merely texted back, “We see each other during our group hangouts. The reason why I no longer hang out with only the two of us is because it’s no longer appropriate and I respect my wife. I just don’t want people misunderstanding us if they saw us together alone. I’m to blame for this when I was the one confessing to you and pursuing you all the time. Sorry, I can’t be alone with you anymore, but we’re still friends. You’ll always be one of my best friends.”
I admit. I crashed out when I read his text message that I called him several times, only for him to reject my call. I was just confused and overwhelmed. I couldn’t understand anything. So, I refused to go to his wedding, which happened just a week ago. I blocked his socials and his number and stayed in my flat, sleeping and drinking. It was only through my best friend that I was able to get out of my flat with her help.
My best friend was surprised to see me so lethargic and depressed and asked if it had anything to do with J and his marriage. I lashed out at my friend, because I would never let J influence me like that. My friend only said, “good because he’s married now.” Somehow, that statement made me burst out in tears making her freak out. It took a while for me to calm down. She asked again what was wrong with me and all I said was that I didn’t understand why J was married to someone else, why I felt overwhelmed. My emotions were so confusing.
My best friend gave me a pity stare which I hate because there is nothing about me to be pitied about. But I didn’t lash out at her since she was taking care of me. She urged me to sleep, to shower, to take a walk outside, to stop thinking about J to think about myself. While I was in the bathroom, I couldn’t help but unblock J to stalk his socials.
I stared at the picture of his wife and couldn’t believe that she married J. She looked so plain with brown hair and brown eyes. J always told me how much he loved my emerald green eyes and my red hair. Seeing his bride, I couldn’t help but think of her as his rebound, a girl he was using to get over me because I would never date him.
I’m just so angry at his sudden 180 and for making me feel replaceable. I’m also just so disappointed at him. I don’t know. I just don’t know. His wife didn’t even look like much and the only thing unique about her was her name, nothing else. I just don’t know. I’m just overwhelmed. Even my best friend couldn’t understand me, I can’t understand myself either. I’m just so upset about him marrying someone else. Which led me to a thing that I did a few hours ago.
While I was scrolling through social media, I encountered a picture of J and his new wife at the beach. Honestly, I don’t know why I did it but I had been drinking so much that I commented a long reply under the picture before shutting my phone off and drank more. My best friend appeared at my flat a couple of hours later, and to my surprise, she scolded me about my comment under J’s picture, telling me how unprofessional and how cruel it was. I honestly don’t think so, and told her as such.
She told me, “you have to sort your feelings out, and not blame everything on J. You’re the one who didn’t want to date him and the one who kept on denying him. You have no right to be upset when you’re not together.”
I screamed at her which I’m not proud of. I do have a right to be upset considering how J blindsided me. Then my friend told me to post this story on here, specifically in this group, and ask the opinions of an impartial observer. I think she meant it sarcastically but I still did so. That’s why I’m here. So, I’m asking now, am I the asshole for being upset that J married someone else when he was the one chasing after me?