Post #1
AITA for moving on to someone else when the girl I first liked rejected me for six years?
u/throwawaystagaccount
Really don’t know how to begin my post, but I guess a bit of context is needed.
So, I (18M) went into a boarding school when I turned 11. It was a relatively small school where everyone knew each other’s names and businesses. I went to that school because my family has a lasting legacy in it and it’s tradition at this point for our family to study there. It was also in that boarding school where I met L (17F).
L was one of my classmates. She was extremely popular throughout our school because not only is she very pretty but she’s also wicked smart. She’s charming and friendly, and an all-around likable person. It was during our second year, when I turned 12, that I fell in love with her.
Throughout the next six years starting from the moment I fell in love with L, I pursued her relentlessly. However, L doesn’t like me at all. In fact, she’s pretty vocal about her dislike for me. She’s rejected every advances I’ve made towards her, sometimes physically.
Despite that, I didn’t give up. I’m a pretty stubborn and arrogant guy, I’m not going to deny that. My parents have spoiled me since I was young, so I had a pretty egocentric mindset. Basically, I have a “what I want, I get” kind of mentality. So, even though L has made it abundantly clear that she doesn’t like me and will never be interested in me, I still continued pursuing her.
Just to make things clear, I have never made any physical advances towards her. I never touched her inappropriately or forced myself physically. I only flirted with her every chance I got, gave her gifts every other day, wrote her cringey songs and poems, and proudly and loudly declared my intentions and “claims” towards her in public and in private.
Safe to say, I embarrassed myself in front of her so many times, in so many different ways, just to try to impress her. Spoiler alert: it didn’t work. I was always rejected every single time but I never stopped trying. This went on for six years until I turned 18 and met my now girlfriend, Hr (18F).
Hr is different from L. Hr is quite impossibly the most brilliant person you’d ever get to meet in your entire life. She’s a genius, and I’m not saying this just because she’s my girlfriend. She’s an honest to goodness a serious genius who got a PhD before she turned 15. She’s also really beautiful in a natural and simple way, and drop dead breathtakingly gorgeous whenever she dresses up.
She’s not perfect though LOL but she’s goddamn near perfection. She’s very caring and thoughtful, although she could be quite bossy, abrasive, and socially awkward at times. It’s part of her charm, tbh, her bossiness and “can do” attitude. She’s aware of her own flaws and imperfections, and she always strives to be better—which is more than what I can say for most people.
Hr transferred to our school in our fifth year. At first, she was a bit standoffish and could hardly fit in. It’s understandable since all of us knew each other since we were 11. Not only was she a stranger intruding into our space, she was also intimidating as hell, especially after we discovered how much of a big deal she is for someone her age. I mean who the hell had a PhD when they’re only 15?
As time went on, she assimilated into our culture, and established her own friendship group. Her social circle just happened to involve one of my best friends, and Hr and I got to know each other because of him. Hr actually didn’t like me when we first met, and I wasn’t keen on her as well. I thought that she was a bit of a snob, and she was way too strict. I mistakenly labeled her as a boring and frigid person, since she spent most of her time in the library and was quite a stickler for rules.
Likewise, she thought that I was “rude” and “confident for no apparent reason”, that I only caused trouble for the sake of recognition. I know this because she said this to my face, haha! She apologized for her statements soon after, saying she didn’t know me enough to judge me so harshly (no matter how accurate her judgment of me was, LOL). To quote her, “I only know your name, not your history.”
The way she apologized and humbled herself in front of me, when she made the same mistake as I did, truly amazed me. I apologized for my own presumptions as well, and we got along better after. We became friends at first and being her friend gave me a glimpse of how amazing she truly is.
Everything Hr did sort of amazed me. Even though she’s a genius, she doesn’t merely rely on her wits but also her hard work, diligence, and patience. She’s obviously super smart, and she’s very proud of it, but most of her accomplishments are through her hard work and willpower, not just her wits, which makes her more outstanding in my eyes.
She’s also done a lot of good work within the community, involving herself in projects and organizing events like tree planting organizations, animal rescues, feeding the homeless, etc. She educates herself in important and sensitive topics, and she tries to be as respectful as she could to other people, especially people from the minority (which could be challenging considering that she’s not the most social person).
Hr is just a genuinely kind and good person. She actually inspired me to be better. She’s the one who taught me to be humble, to be patient, and to be sincere. Before Hr came along, I’ve been an arrogant troublemaking little shit. I believed that the world was at the palm of my hand, that everything moved in a direction that I wanted to. I’ve hurt a lot of people and caused so much trouble because of my mindset.
Hr made me realize that there were some things in life that wouldn’t go my way, that I couldn’t afford to be selfish, that I wasn’t different from other people and I have to learn how to be okay with that. Because of her, I’ve confronted some demons I was denying my whole life and made amends to some of the people I’ve hurt.
Some forgave me, others refused to accept my apology, and because of Hr, I learned how to accept these consequences. I had no one to blame but myself, and now I could only move forward rather than back. I could only try to be a good person, and work hard to become a better version of myself.
Which leads me back to my point with L. I realized that I’d been nothing but a horribly pushy and creepy guy to L by insisting on my feelings for her and trying to get her to date me even though she wasn’t interested. When I thought I had been romantic, I was actually in reality harassing her because of my selfishness and greed. I didn’t like the person I was to L, and I didn’t like the person I was in general.
So, I distanced myself from L after she rejected me for the last time, and suppressed my feelings for her. I distracted myself with sports and academics, and I even went on a couple of dates but they didn’t last long since I decided to focus on bettering myself before stepping into a new relationship.
Because of my actions, people at my boarding school took it as a big deal. My feelings for L were so well-known throughout the whole school that my changes felt so strange and out of place. A lot of people kept asking me why I stopped trying to get L’s attention, and why I was ignoring her. Even some teachers came up to me and asked if I was alright, LOL. But I didn’t mind them and focused on school instead.
When I chose to focus on my studies, I grew closer with Hr as a result. Talking to her was so easy. I’m a pretty good student (although I’m prone to cause trouble at school a lot), so we talked a lot and so much, my friends told us to shut up a few times. Being with her was so comfortable, that I would feel immediate discomfort whenever she wasn’t nearby and I would immediately try to find her when she’s not with me. She was so warm, her presence was like this blanket that kept me safe.
I didn’t fall in love with her immediately. What I felt for her slowly built over time. I fell in love so slowly that I didn’t even notice it until my best friends pointed it out, and it just clicked in my head that I was in love with Hr. The love that I’ve known at that time was the love I used to have for L, so being in love with Hr was really weird. It felt so different from what I felt for L that I doubted I was in love at first. But I was really in love with her to the point that I couldn’t imagine a time I had feelings for someone else.
However, the timing couldn’t be more worse. I realized I had feelings for Hr a few weeks before graduation. The thought of not seeing her everyday for the next years felt like a punch in the gut. I wanted to confess immediately and become hers, but I was also aware that she might not feel the same way. I didn’t want to force her to have feelings for me, or to intrude into her space when she’s uncomfortable having me pine after her. But I also couldn’t resist telling her what I felt. I didn’t want to be riddled with regrets by the time we graduated and I’d get to see her less.
So, after gathering my courage, I decided to confess to Hr. I snuck a bouquet of flowers and a few other gifts including the first edition of her favorite book, Jane Eyre, in the school, took her to a secluded spot, and told her my feelings in the gazebo in the garden underneath the stars. I made sure to tell her my feelings and assure her that she didn’t need to reciprocate them, or to be pressured into accepting or denying them. I assured her that we’d always be friends regardless of her answer (because I know that one of her fears was losing a friend).
Hr didn’t respond at first, but when she did, she told me that she didn’t know what to say. She, like the rest of the school, thought that I would always have feelings for L, and now that I’ve confessed to her, it felt so surreal. She didn’t want to ruin a friendship, and she only ever had one serious boyfriend (and get this, her ex-boyfriend is that famous player in the senior league four years older than her. Yep, mind-blown) that only lasted a half year. She said that she hardly knew how to be a good friend, let alone a girlfriend. Just when I thought that I would get rejected, she said something that made me pause.
But I want to try, that’s what she said to me. She said she wanted to try with me, that even though she’s afraid, she wanted to be afraid with me. She said she liked me as a person and as a friend, and she wanted to know if she liked me as a boyfriend. I could hardly believe my ears at that time. I honestly couldn’t remember what I did next because I went mindless with happiness. Just like that, I had Hr as a girlfriend, I’m a boyfriend, and I’m positive we’re going to live happily ever after.
And now we’re heading onto the dilemma that prompted me to seek you all out in this site.
I just recently graduated on Sunday. Yesterday, we had our graduation ball. At some point during the grad ball, L approached me and said she wanted to talk. It had been nearly a year since we last spoke to each other, when the last time we interacted was when she rejected me for the last time. Honestly, we had nothing more to say to each other considering that we’re not really friends and I was just that stupid guy who chased after her for years. But I was also curious why she wanted to talk to me, so I agreed to having a conversation with her.
Before leaving the venue with L, I went to Hr and told her where I was going and with who. I didn’t want my girlfriend to get the wrong idea in case someone saw us and rumors spread. I also wanted to let her know because I didn’t want her to think I’m keeping things from her. Hr was also curious why L wanted to speak with me, so I offered to call her and let her listen in our conversation. Hr said I didn’t have to since she knew I loved her enough not to make her mistrust me. (Hearing her say that made my chest inflate istg that girl would be the death of me).
So, after telling Hr where I’ll be going and who I was with, I left the venue with L. We didn’t go far, we just went to the bleachers in front of the field and sat at the stairs. I kept my distance while L rambled about us graduating school and how time felt like it flew by so swiftly. At this point, I honestly wanted to get things over with, so I asked her why she wanted for us to talk. L went quiet at first, and just when I decided I was going to leave, she suddenly spoke.
She said that she missed having me around, that the months without me felt quiet and lonely, that she regretted the words she spoke that made me kept my distance. I was stunned by her words, I couldn’t form a single thought aside from WTF? L used my silence to continue, saying things like, “If I only accepted your feelings, maybe we would’ve been happy now,” and “I wish I chose a different answer,” and some other stuff I could hardly remember.
Then she dropped another bombshell. L said something along the lines of, “I like you. I never realized it until you distanced yourself from me. But I like you now, so I’m wondering if I still have a chance.”
If this was a couple of years earlier, I would’ve dropped on my knees and yelled yes. But my feelings for L has died down by this point and there was no going back. I have Hr in my life and I love her so goddamn much that I felt a bit sick when L asked me that question. Leaving Hr was never in the options, nor was accepting L’s feelings.
So, I rejected her. I told her that I was in love with someone else which made her look so surprised that her jaw dropped. You see, no one except for our closest friends knew that Hr and I were already dating. Although we spent everyday together, it has always been like that since before we got together, so people thought that we were just good friends.
Hr didn’t want to share the good news of us dating, knowing that the school still acted as if I was going to fall back onto L the moment she gave me the chance. I respected Hr’s decision but with L’s confession, I couldn’t keep our relationship to myself anymore. So, I told L that I was dating someone else already, and when she asked who, I told her the truth, that Hr was my girlfriend. Things went awkwardly silent after that.
I didn’t apologize for rejecting her, and I didn’t offer her any comfort. Tbh, I was just plain uncomfortable, knowing that she had feelings for me. When I did apologize, it was only for my actions when I tried to annoy and force her to date me and accept my feelings. After that, I left and went back to Hr. I spent the rest of the night with my girlfriend and my best friends.
I thought things were done and over with, but then this morning, I received a ton of messages from my former schoolmates and even some teachers. Turns out, L shared to her friends that she was rejected by me and told them I was dating Hr. One of her friends posted it on social media, cursing at me for hurting L and basically condemning me for “moving on too quickly” when I basically spent six years chasing after her. Now everyone’s been basically calling me and asking me if it was true.
I know that it’s none of their business and they have no say in my relationship whatsoever, but I realized I can’t keep quiet anymore when they began harassing Hr. They told her that I was only using her until L came back to me, that I wasn’t sincere with my feelings since I loved L for so long, that Hr could hardly compare to L when it came to me, that sooner or later I’ll break up with Hr and go back to L once I’m done with her. These messages made me so mad and if it weren’t for Hr and some of my (rational) friends stopping me, I would’ve laid it down to them.
I texted L instead, asking her WTF her friend was thinking posting things like that and basically putting a target on my girlfriend’s back. She messaged me back a couple of hours ago with this: “Isn’t it true, tho? You loved me for 6 yrs, J. You chased after me for so long, and now that she came along, you’re telling me that you don’t love me anymore? It was 6 yrs! How come it’s so easy for you to move on from me when it hasn’t even been a year since we last spoke? You’ve moved on so quickly, that I could hardly believe that you’re sincere with your feelings for Hr. I mean, are you even sincere with your feelings for me if you moved on to someone else before the year ended? A part of me is glad I rejected you because now I know that your so called feelings for me aren’t true at all. You’re such an asshole and I hope Hr realizes that before it’s too late.”
Her message left me speechless and made me wonder if I’m truly the asshole. My best friends and even my parents told me I’m not, that L has no say with what I did when she has been rejecting me for so long. In the first place, L and I never got together, so it’s perfectly alright for me to move on. But then I have schoolmates and even teachers telling me that I was a jerk for moving on so suddenly when I made L believe that I would love her forever. So, I don’t know what to believe.
My girlfriend said that my feelings were my own and no one, not even her or L, could decide for me what I truly felt. She said that it was perfectly within my rights to move on and get together with someone else when L and I never got together in the first place. Just because I loved and chased after someone for so long doesn’t mean that the other person could prohibit me from loving someone else. I was allowed to feel love and to be loved, she said.
Frankly, I just want to stop the harassment and messages that my girlfriend receives up to this hour. She tells me not to bother but I can tell that she’s bothered by the messages. I want to make a statement but first I just want to know your thoughts as strangers with an impartial opinion. Am I the asshole?