Sirius
Sirius Black was fine. Better than fine. He was good. Great even. The holidays couldn’t have started worse, but they also couldn’t have ended better. Sirius lived with the Potters now, and he never had to see the inside of Grimmauld Place again. He was safe. From Walburga. From Orion. From Bella. From Cygnus. From him.
Sirius felt great.
Or at least. That’s how he was supposed to be feeling. Truth be told, up until a few minutes ago, great had described Sirius perfectly, but that was a few minutes ago. Present Sirius had a horrible, sinking sensation, churning around his stomach as he looked across the hall.
“Pads, you gonna eat anything?”
“Not feeling well…” Sirius muttered, without breaking his gaze. The gaze he had fixed on his brother at the Slytherin table. Regulus. Except that… that wasn’t Regulus. Well… it was but… he didn’t look right…
Regulus Black was the pride and joy of the Black family. A Slytherin with perfect grades and the perfect pureblood demeanour. The right pureblood attitudes and bigoted beliefs. A much better son than Sirius had ever been capable of being. The backup they were grateful to have, and he was more than happy to be.
He never misbehaved. He never talked back. He was never punished. He was a Black through and through, so when Sirius ran, he had no issue with leaving Regulus behind. Regulus was their golden child. He believed every bit of blood purist shit their parents had taught them, no matter how much Sirius had tried convincing him otherwise.
So, what was wrong with him?
His face was gaunt and paler than normal. It looked like every bit of life had been drained from him. He wasn’t talking and didn’t seem to be listening to anyone around him. He wasn’t eating, something it looked like he hadn’t been doing much of the whole summer. His robes were loose and ill-fitting, nothing like the perfectly tailored uniform he normally wore. Regulus looked sick. He looked like Sirius usually did after breaks…
I don’t understand…
“Pads?” James tried again. “What are you looking at?”
“Nothing, I’m just…” Sirius swallowed nervously. “Does Regulus look different to you?”
At the mention of his brother, James froze beside him, Peter and Remus on the other side of the table growing equally still. Sirius didn’t let that stop him from watching his brother though. He kept his eyes fixed on the Slytherin table.
“I… I mean I don’t think so? I can’t say I pay much attention to him usually…” James replied quietly, his voice etched with confusion. “Do you?”
Sirius looked carefully at his brothers features. All sharper than usual. His mood even duller than normal. Everything just a few shades off…
“I don’t know…” he muttered. That was a lie. He did know. He just didn’t want to believe it.
The silver prefect badge glistened off his chest.
“Did he seem alright on the train? For prefect stuff, Moony?”
In his peripheral vision, Remus shrugged. “I guess so. It’s his first year doing it, so he just sat quietly and listened like everyone else.”
“But doesn’t he look a bit… well… you know…”
He continued staring. Looking him up and down. Watching him-
Sirius stilled, as Regulus looked up and met his eyes. Their gazes locked and Regulus’ eyes narrowed, his features shifting into a scowl. He looked even more like their parents that way. It wasn’t right… Sirius opened his mouth to speak, as if Regulus would hear him from across the hall.
Regulus didn’t give him the chance though. He glared, grit his teeth, balled his fists, then shot to his feet. Pointedly tearing his gaze from Sirius and tapping the girl beside him on the shoulder. She had perfect badge too. He said something. She nodded and said something back. Then he stormed off, slipping out of the great hall without giving Sirius so much as a glance.
“Pads, what are you-”
Sirius shot to his feet.
“I need to talk to him,” he muttered.
Sirius went after his brother.
Remus and James called out after him. Sirius ignored them though. He needed to talk to Regulus. Something was wrong. He was sure of it.
Sirius made it into the corridor just in time to catch Regulus turning down toward the dungeons.
“Regulus! Wait!”
But Regulus didn’t wait, nor did he react. He kept walking as if deaf to his name. Sirius chased, breaking into a run. Regulus didn’t even deign to quicken his pace. He just continued on with his head held high as Sirius closed in. Like he was above it all. Better than. Too high and mighty to bother.
“Stop! Reg!”
He tried again as the distance between them shortened. As Regulus walked down the stairs and Sirius jumped. As Regulus calmly turned corners and he skidded around in a rush. Ten meters back. Five meters back. A few steps. One step. One-
Sirius reached out and grabbed Regulus by the wrist, yanking him out of his pace and forcing him still. He was half-expecting to get cursed into a oblivion for it. But Regulus didn’t resist it. He didn’t acknowledge it either. He just came to a stop and stood there, staring into nothing.
“Regulus please, what’s wrong? What did they do? Why are you so…” Sirius’ fingers tightened around his brother’s wrist. A cold, bony, too thin wrist. “What happened?”
Regulus made no attempt to answer or explain himself. He didn’t do anything. Sirius hated it. He hated being ignored.
“Come on… talk to me… please…”
Sirius stepped around him and stood in front of Regulus directly. Up close it was worse.
Fuck…
There were dark circles under his eyes. His hair was a mess. His skin looked dry and lifeless. He failed to keep his frozen stature as Sirius forced himself into his view though. His jaw tightened and lips pursed. It looked almost painful for him to keep his eyes fixed ahead. Looking through Sirius rather than at him.
“Reg, what did they do?”
No response.
“You can tell me, I’m hardly gonna dob you in.”
Nothing.
“Please talk to me.”
Not a word.
“Regulus… let me help you…”
That did something. His eyes snapped. His lips curled. His features twisted into a nasty sneer.
“Get your filthy hands off me,” he spat. “I don’t need your help.”
Sirius shook his head.
“I’ll let go,” he snarled, pointedly gripping tighter. “When you tell me what the fuck they did to you!”
Maybe he could have approached it more gently. He should have. But he didn’t. Gentle was something neither of them had been to each other in years.
“I’m. Fine.”
“You’re not fine! Look at yourself! You’re like a fucking ghost! Don’t try telling me-”
Sirius was cut off and pain radiated out from his chest as he stumbled backwards. Regulus had shoved him. Hit him.
“I said get your filthy, blood traitor hands off me,” Regulus hissed and reared back, grabbing his wand and pointing it directly in Sirius’ face. “You. Left. Don’t you fucking try and talk to me like you give a shit.”
“Of course I give a shit!” Sirius snapped back. “I want you safe! Out of that fucking shit hole of a house so you can finally think for yourself and see-”
“I think plenty for myself,” Regulus snarled and stepped forward, stabbing his wand into Sirius’ neck. “I think about what a disgrace to our family you are. I think about the shame you bring for existing. I think about what a disgusting waste of pure blood you are.”
Regulus took another step forward, forcing Sirius to step back.
“That’s just the bullshit they want you to think! They want to control you! Can’t you see that? They’ve been hurting you all summer to make sure you stay miserable and loyal to their fucking-”
“Mother and father want us to be happy! You’re the one who ripped our family apart and started all the fucking problems!
Regulus buried his wand even deeper into Sirius’ skin. His eyes glistening. Sirius swallowed. He hadn’t seen his brother cry since they were kids…
“You ruined everything. You made them angry. You made them strict. You made them this way. It’s your fault. You and your constant need to attention destroyed everything!”
Sirius opened his mouth to rebut, but Regulus beat him to it. Stepping forward again, forcing Sirius back once more.
“I do everything perfectly. I get perfect grades. I have perfect values. I made perfect friends. I’m prefect. I’m better than you in every single fucking way, and still mum cries about the fact your gone. Dad is on my back about fixing the reputation you messed up! You. Ruined. Everything!”
Regulus growled as a tear slipped down his cheek. His eyes were bloodshot, and his face was red. Sirius went to take another step away, but his back hit the wall. Cold, hard bricks dug into him as Regulus sneered down at him.
“Reg I… I didn’t mean… I never thought-”
Regulus scoffed. “Exactly, you never thought! You never think! You’re an idiot! You’re a stupid, brash, impulsive moron who only cares about himself and the havoc he can wreck on everyone else’s lives!”
Regulus pressed the wand harder, so much that Sirius felt his throat collapse slightly. It became harder to breath. Or maybe that was because of what his brother was saying… blaming him for… This was the most words they’d passed between in each other in years, and they were all bouncing around Sirius’ head.
His fault. His fault. His fault.
My fault…
“Come on the, Sirius! You wanted to talk! So talk!”
Sirius stared through glassy eyes at his brother, painfully aware of the lump growing in his throat as he tried to think of something to say. Because he was right. His brother wasn’t okay. This was a confession. They’d been hurting Regulus all summer and… except Regulus blamed him for everything they’d done. He wasn’t angry at them. He was angry at him.
“Reg, please let me help-”
Sirius gasped, stopping mid-sentence as pain shot through his throat. A sting wrapped itself around his neck and burned through his skin. Not bad enough to make him scream, but bad enough to silence him.
“I don’t want your help! I don’t need anything from you! You’re weak and I’m not! I’m better than you and I don’t need a disgusting, dirty blood traitor dragging me down!”
Sirius expected another jinx. It didn’t come though. Instead, the wand receded, and Regulus stepped back. Increasing the space between them. Sirius would have preferred being held at wand point. The space felt empty. And cold.
Sirius stared blankly at the hate etched across Regulus’ face. The face that used to do nothing but smile and laugh at everything Sirius did. It was nowhere to be found anymore. No trace of the little boy who used to spend hours drawing pictures of his favourite brother in the whole world. Not a single sign of the kid who used to crawl into Sirius’ bed after a scary dream.
There was nothing left of the brother Sirius used to have.
“Never bother me again,” his bro- Regulus spat and then left.