Chapter 15
A few days later Lissa found me outside the commons and delivered the most astonishing news. "Uncle Victor's getting Natalie off campus this weekend to go shopping in Missoula. For the dance. They said I could come along." Lissa said practically jumping for joy. I didn't say anything. She looked surprised at my silence. "Isn't that cool?" She asked with a puzzled frown. "For you, I guess. No malls or dances in my future." I said sarcastically. She smiled excitedly. "He told Natalie she could bring two other people besides me. I convinced her to bring you and Camille." I threw up my hands. "Well thanks, but I'm not even supposed to go to the library after school. No one's going to let me go to Missoula." I told her with a frown thinking. I couldn't remember why Rose went to the mall. "Uncle Victor thinks he can get Headmistress Kirova to let you go. Dimitri is trying too." Lissa told me and I looked up at her in surprise. "Dimitri?" "Yeah. He has to go with me if I leave campus." Lissa said and grinned taking my interest in Dimitri as my interest in the mall. "They figured out my account finally -- I got my allowance back. So, we can buy other stuff along with dresses. And you know if they let you go to the mall, they'll have to let you go to the dance." Lissa kept talking. "Do we go to dances now?" I asked with a frown. "Of course not. But you know there'll be all kinds of secret parties. We'll start at the dance and sneak off." She sighed happily.
"Mia's so jealous she can barely stand it." Lissa said giddily and then went on about all the stores we'd go to, all the things we'd buy. I admit, I was kind of exited at the thought of getting some new clothes, but I doubted I'd actually get this mythical release, or maybe I could. Canon Rose did. "Oh hey," she said excitedly making me look at her again. "You should see these shoes Camille let me borrow. I never knew we wore the same size. Hang on." She opened her backpack and began rifling through it. Suddenly she screamed and threw it down. Books and shoes spilled out. So did a dead dove. It was one of the pale brown mourning doves that sat on wires along the freeway and under trees on campus. It had so much blood on it that I couldn't figure out where the wound was. "Son of a bitch." I swore. Without hesitating, I grabbed a stick and pushed the little feathered body aside. When it was out of the way, I started shoving her stuff into the backpack trying not to think about the dead-bird germs. "Why the hell does this keep -- Liss!" I leapt over and grabbed her, pulling her away. She had been kneeling on the ground, with her hand outstretched to the dove. I don't think she'd even realized what she was about to do. The instinct in her was so strong, it acted on its own. "Lissa, don't do it." I reprimanded looking around. "I can save it." Lissa said and I shook my head. "No, you can't. You promised. Remember? Some things have to stay dead. Let this one go." Still feeling her tension, I pleaded. "Please Liss, no more healings. You promised." After a few moments. I felt her hand relax and her body slump against mine. "I hate this, Rose. I hate this."
Natalie walked outside then, a coincidence?? Yeah right, she did pretend that she was horrified but I knew this was all her. I wanted to drag Lissa away from the psycho, but we needed to play nice, I was not allowed to change this. It needed to happen, and we were going to the mall if we offend her. That needed to happen too, and everything else surrounding Victor Dashkov. That needed to happen too.
When I saw Lissa the next day, she'd practically forgotten the dove in light of other news. Kirova had given me permission to go on the trip that weekend. The prospect of shopping can brighten a lot of dark situations -- even animal murder -- and I put my own worries on hold. Only when the time came, I discovered my release came with strings attached. "Headmistress Kirova thinks you've done well since coming back." Dimitri told me. "I convinced her you needed a break ... and that you could use this as a training exercise." He explained. "Training exercise?" I asked for clarification. He gave me a brief explanation as we walked out to meet the others going with us. Victor Dashkov, as sickly as ever, was there with his guardians, and Natalie practically barreled into him. He smiled and gave her a careful hug, on that ended when a coughing fit took over. Natalie's eyes went wide with concern as she waited for it to pass. He claimed he was fine to accompany us, and while I admired his resolve. I knew he was planning something that would harm my friend, and I could not forgive him that. Other than that, I might have respected him, for his beliefs. I thought the same as him, but he didn't have to go the way he did with Lissa. He could have handled it better.
We rode out the two-hour trip to Missoula in a large school van, leaving just after sunrise. Many Moroi lived separately from humans, but we had to change our schedules to shop in the malls. The back windows of the van had tinted glass to filter the light and keep the worst of it away from the vampires. We had nine people in our group. Lissa, Victor, Natalie, Camille, Dimitri and me and three other guardians. Two of the guardians, Ben and Spiridon, always traveled with Victor. The third was one of the school guardians. Stan the jerk who humiliated me on my first day back. "Camille and Natalie don't have personal guardians yet," Dimitri explained to me. "They're both under the protection of their families' guardians. Since they are Academy students leaving campus, a school guardian accompanies them -- Stan. I go because I am Lissa's assigned guardian. Most girls her age wouldn't have a personal guardian yet, but circumstances make her unusual."
I sat in the back of the van with Dimitri and Spiridon, so they could dispense guardian wisdom to me as part of the "training exercise." Ben and Stan sat up front, while the others sat in the middle. Lissa and Victor talked to each other a lot, catching up on the news. Camille, raised to be polite among older royals, smiled and nodded along. Natalie, on the other hand looked left out and kept trying to shift her father's attention from Lissa. It didn't work. He'd apparently learned to tune out her chatter. I turned back to Dimitri. "She's supposed to have two guardians. Princes and princesses always do." Spiridon was Dimitri's age, with spiky blond hair and a more casual attitude. Despite his Greek name, he had a southern drawl. "Don't worry, she'll have plenty when the time comes. Dimitri's already one of them. Odds are you'll be one too. And that's why you're here today." "The training part," I guessed. "Yup. You're going to be Dimitri's partner." Spiridon said. A moment of funny silence fell, probably not noticeable to anyone except Dimitri and me. Our eyes met. "Guarding partner." Dimitri clarified; I wondered if he had been thinking of other kinds of partners too. "Yup," Spiridon agreed. Oblivious to the tension around him, he went on to explain how guardian pairs worked. It was standard stuff, straight from my textbooks, but it meant more now that I'd be doing it in the real world. Guardians were assigned to Moroi based on importance. Two was a common grouping, one I'd probably work in a lot with Lissa. One guardian stayed close to the target; the other stood back and kept an eye on the surroundings. Boringly, those holding these positions were called near and far guards. You'll probably always be near guard," Dimitri told me. "You're female and the same age as the princess. You can stay close to her without attracting attention."
"And I can't ever take my eyes off her," I noted. "Or you." Spiridon laughed again and elbowed Dimitri. "You've got a star student here. Did you give her a stake?" "No. She's not ready." Dimitri told him. "I would be if someone would show me how to use one," I argued annoyed. I knew how to use one though, wooden stakes, silver stakes. Makes absolutely no difference which one you use. It still ends up straight in the heart I rationalized in my head. "You've still got to subdue them. And you've got to bring yourself to kill them." Dimitri continued and I frowned. I missed some of the conversation while I was in lala land and paid attention now. "Why wouldn't I kill them?" I asked confused.
"Most Strigoi used to be Moroi who purposely turned. Sometimes they're Moroi or Dhampirs turned by force. It doesn't matter. There's a strong chance you might know one of them. Could you kill someone you used to know?" I thought about it, could I. Probably. I was not really Rose Hathaway, and I have killed before, plenty of people. Does it make me psycho, definitely? I am so screwed in the head that no psychologist could fix me. "You might still hesitate. And that hesitation could kill you and her." Dimitri said and I listened back in. "Then how do you make sure you don't hesitate?" I asked him. "You have to keep telling yourself that they aren't the same people you knew. They've become something dark and twisted. Something unnatural. You have to let go of attachments and do what's right. If they have any grain of their former selves left, they'll probably be grateful." Dimitri told me. "Grateful for me killing them?" I asked him. "If someone turned you into a Strigoi, what would you want?" he asked. I couldn't be turned into a vampire, there was no way that they could turn me into Strigoi. Dimitri never took his eyes off me, he kept pushing. "What would you want if you knew you were going to be converted into a Strigoi against your will? If you knew you would lose all sense of your old morals and understanding of what's right and wrong? If you knew you'd live the rest of your life -- your immortal life -- killing innocent people? What would you want?" He asked me and I bit my lip.
The van had grown uncomfortably silent. Staring at Dimitri, burdened by all those questions, I suddenly understood why he and I had this weird attraction, good looks aside. I'd never met anyone else who took being a guardian so seriously, who understand all the life and death consequences. Certainly no one my age did yet; Not the way I do now.
I lost so many people because of choices I made, or didn't make fast enough. Mason hadn't been able to understand why I couldn't relax and drink at the party. Dimitri had said I grasped my duty better than many older guardians, and I did because I know how it felt to live with the regret of not doing enough. If it was possible for me to turn into a Strigoi, I would want someone to kill me too. Actually I was so bloody tired they could try and kill me now. It would have been nice to go to whatever was after this. To rest, maybe see the people I lost over the years. To finally have peace. They were waiting for my answer. "If I became Strigoi..." If it was possible for me to become one. "I'd want someone to kill me." Well, if that was possible too. That would have been something terrifying. A Strigoi with powers who cannot die. I shuddered. "So would I," Dimitri said quietly. I could tell that he'd had the same flash of realization I'd just had, that same sense of connection between us. "It reminds me of Mikhail hunting Sonya," murmured Victor thoughtfully. "Who are Mikhail and Sonya?" Lissa asked. Viktor looked surprised. "Why, I thought you knew. Sonya Karp." "Sonya Kar... you mean Ms Karp? What about her?" She looked back and forth between me and her uncle. "She ... became Strigoi," I said not meeting Lissa's eyes. "By choice." Lissa's face and bond registered complete and utter shock. "But I don't know who Mikhail is," I added. "Mikhail Tanner," Spiridon said. "Oh, Guardian Tanner. He was here before we left. Why is he chasing Ms. Karp?" "To kill her," Dimitri said flatly. "They were lovers." He explained. "Perhaps it is time to talk about something else." Viktor said gently
"Today isn't a day to dwell on depressing topics." I was relieved to get to the mall. Shifting into my bodyguard role, I stuck by Lissa's side as we wandered from store to store, looking at all the new styles that were out there. It was nice to be in public again and to do something with Lissa that was fun. It was just past November, and the mall already had glittering holiday decorations up. Victor and Spiridon stayed with us while Dimitri and Ben fanned out, somehow managing not to look like creepy stalker guys watching teenaged girls. "This is so you," Lissa said in Macy's handing me a low-cut tank top embellished with lace. "I'll buy it for you." I regarded it, pictured myself in it and then shook my head. "Winter's coming and I'd get cold." I shot the choice down. "Never stopped you before." Lissa said shrugging but she hung it back up. She and Camille tried on a nonstop string of clothes, their massive allowances ensuring that price posed no problem. Lissa offered to buy me anything I wanted. We'd been generous with each other our whole lives, and I didn't hesitate to take her up to it. My choices surprised her. "You've got three thermal shirts and a hoodie," she informed me, flipping through a stack of BCBG jeans. "You've gone all boring on me." Lissa told me. "Hey, I don't see you buying slutty tops." I defended my choices. "I'm not the one who wears them." I felt strangely offended. "Thanks a lot." Lissa grinned. "You know what I mean. You're even wearing your hair up." It was true, I'd taken Dimitri's advice and wrapped my hair up in a high bun, earning a smile when he'd seen me.
Glancing around she made sure none of the others could hear us. The feelings in the bond shifted to something more troubled. "You knew about Ms. Karp." She whispered to me. "Yeah. I heard about it a month or so after she left." Lissa tossed a pair of embroidered jeans over her arm, not looking at me. "Why didn't you tell me?" She asked but I could feel that she was unhappy about it. "You didn't need to know." I said not knowing what Rose's reasons were. "You didn't think I could handle it." Lissa asked frowning at me. "No, it wasn't that, there were just so much going on at the time. I just forgot about it, we left, and things were just confusing at the time." Her feelings grew darker. But she didn't say anything else. Stopping just outside the dressing room she pulled a black dress off the rack. She brightened a little. "This is the dress you were born for. I don't care how practical you are now." She told me and held it to me. It was made of a silky black material, the dress was strapless and sleek, falling about to the knees. Although it had a slight flare at the hemline, the rest looked like it would definitely manage some serious clinging action. Super sexy. Maybe challenge the school dress code sexy. "This is my dress," I admitted with a grin. Lissa pulled out my size. "Try it on," I shook my head and started to put it back. "I can't. It would compromise you. One dress isn't worth your life." "Then we'll just get it without you trying it on." Lissa decided. She bought the dress. The afternoon continued, and I found myself growing tired. Always watching and being on guard suddenly became a lot less fun. When we hit out last stop, a jewelry store. I felt kind of glad. "Here you go," Lissa said pointing at one of the cases. "The necklace made to go with your dress." I looked. A thin gold chain with a gold and diamond rose pendant. Emphasis on the diamond part. "I hate rose stuff." I complained. And Jasmine and Lillies I added mentally. Lissa apparently liked getting me rose things -- just to see my reaction, I think. When she saw the necklace's price her smile fell away.
"Oh, look at that. Even you have limits." I teased. "Your crazy spending is stopped at last." I said while we waited for Victor and Natalie to finish up. He was apparently buying her something, and she looked like she might grow wings and fly away with happiness. I wondered if he was going to buy the necklace. It cost $12 000. If he did, I would still keep it, it was pretty and expensive, and the charm would not last all night. I did find an alcove perfect for returning to the mall on my own. I was going to have to risk it during our night. I needed to buy a few things too. We rode home in tired silence, our sleep schedules all messed up by the daylight trip. Sitting next to Dimitri, I leaned back against the seat and yawned, very aware our arms were touching. That feeling of closeness and connection burned between us. "So, I can't ever try on clothes again?" I asked quietly not wanting to wake the others. Victor and the guardians were awake, but the girls had fallen asleep. "When you aren't on duty, you can. You can do it during your time off." "I don't ever want time off. I want to always take care of Lissa." I yawned again. "Did you see that dress?" I asked him. "I saw the dress." Dimitri answered. "Did you like it." He didn't answer but I took that as a yes. I was feeling very sleepy now. "Am I going to endanger my reputation if I wear it to the dance?" I asked again. When he finally spoke, I could barely hear him. "You'll endanger the school." He simply said and I smiled and fell asleep.
When I woke up, my head rested against his shoulder. That long coat of his -- the duster -- covered me like a blanket. The van had stopped; we were back at school. I pulled the duster off and climbed out after him, suddenly feeling wide awake and happy. Too bad my freedom was about to end. "Back to prison," I sighed, walking beside Lissa towards the commons. "Maybe if you fake a heart attack, I can make a break for it." I joked with Lissa. "Without your clothes?" She asked with a grin handing me a bag. I swung it around happily. "I can't wait to see the dress." Lissa said happily. "Me either. If they let me go. Kirova's still deciding if I've been good enough." I pulled my face at her. "Show her those boring shirts you bought. She'll go into a coma. I'm about ready to." Lissa teased and I laughed and hopped up onto one of the wooden benches, pacing her as I walked along it. I jumped back down when I reached the end. "They aren't that boring." I defended my practical choices. "I don't know what to think of this new, responsible Rose." Lissa told me. I hopped up onto another bench. "I'm not that responsible." I told her with a grin. "Hey," Spiridon called. He and the rest of the group trailed behind us. "You're still on duty. No fun allowed up there." He yelled and I laughed. "No fun here," I called back hearing the laughter in his voice. "I swear -- shit." I knew it was going to happen, I read about it, I was expecting it to happen, and I was letting it happen anyway. They would keep testing Lissa until she healed and at least this way I knew what would happen. It was going to suck a bit, but at least it worked out in the end.
I was up on a third bench, near the end of it. My muscles tensed, ready for impact. The wood gave way beneath me, almost as though made of paper. It disintegrated. My foot went through, my ankle getting caught in the hole while the rest of my body tried to go in another direction. The bench held me, swinging my body to the ground while still seizing my foot. My ankle bent in an unnatural direction. I crashed down. I heard the cracking sound that wasn't the wood. The pain that shot through my body was bad, but I had worst. And then I blacked out.