Sirius had always had a deep admiration for Remus Lupin.
They had known each other for years and they became friends quickly, like their bond was somehow predicted by a constellation or a planet movement. It had always been different than James. James had a lot in common with Sirius, they were both outgoing and loud, they both liked quidditch and planning pranks.
Remus was something different, he was quieter and more introvert. But he was so mysterious and smart, he had the best music taste. There were a lot of small facts about him that Sirius had learned to notice and, in a way, to appreciate. He always had extra chocolate in his bag, in the inner pocket, and it was always the same muggle brand and the same plain chocolate taste. When Sirius had broken up with Mary, about six months earlier, he had gone through a really hard phase. One day he couldn't even get out of bed, having to face meeting Mary like nothing had happened, and he was just laying there, looking at the ceiling.
- Hey Pads - Remus had said, playing with a strand of his black long hair - I get you'd rather skip the lessons today, and it's fine. But you ate nothing yesterday and... well... It's not that good to skip meals. Would you like some chocolate?
Sirius had closed his eyes, then looked at Remus' hand. - Yes, please
The taste was sweet and he could still remember it months later.
Another little thing about him was that he was in general a really nice person and everyone liked him, but he also had his days off. When he was sad he would listen to "Five years" by David Bowie till he sound entered the walls and broke the windows' glass. When he was angry he would take long walks to the lake. He was way more mature than Sirius, who just used silent treatment till the person he was fighting with would beg him to speak to them.
Remus received many letters by one of his friends from the orphanage: Grant Chapman. Sirius had to admit he was kind of curious about this guy, because he never talked about him but seemed to really care about this letters. Once Sirius had read the first line, while they were having breakfast. It said "Hiya Remus, how are you?" in a messy handwriting and inside of the envelope there was a postcard which showed some typical English countryside.
Sometimes Sirius would see him writing back at Grant, sitting near the fireplace and rereading his lines multiple times.
But one day, things had just changed. Sirius had realized that he would stare at Remus during lessons, he would ask him tips on how to dress for the mere reason of trying to get his attention. He wanted Remus to look at him, to tell him he looked good. He loved the idea of Remus thinking about him.
And somehow he would get some kind of satisfaction seeing Remus blush whenever he came out of the bathroom shirtless to ask him if his hair looked good. Remus always said he had nice hair and Sirius would feel his heart skipping a beat, but he would just ignore it.
He thought Remus was also really good-looking: his hair were a shade that mixed brown and red, with blonde curls on his neck. He had dark brown eyes like the chocolate he always had in his pocket. He even liked the scars that crossed his face, one crossing his nose and one on his chin. He liked his long fingers and his hands, which were way bigger than his. He was in general way taller than him, when they were near Sirius had to rise his head to look at him in the eyes. Sirius was only 5'10, while Remus towered him being 6'2.
Even though Sirius had felt like that for a long time, it took even more to understand what he felt. A part of his mind thought liking another boy was gross, he liked girls and girls only. But another side of him was aware that the feelings that he felt towards Remus were deeper and stronger that they could ever be with any girl. He had clearly in his mind the moment in which he had accepted it. In which he proudly said "I have a crush on Remus Lupin".
They were in a transfiguration lesson, which was Sirius' favorite class because of the teacher, Minerva McGonagall. That day Remus had arrived late at the class because he had spent the night in the infirmary after the full moon. He looked completely wasted: dark circles around his eyes, skin paler than usual and messy hair. McGonagall knew about Remus' "time of the month" (or at least this was how James used to call it) so she didn't say anything about his late arrival.
- Are you alright Mr Lupin? - she asked.
Remus nodded. - Good - the professor replied - Take a seat please.
Remus usually sat next to Peter or Lily but that time Wormtail had sat next to James because they were quietly chatting about the latest quidditch match, while Lily was in front row with Mary and Marlene. The only empty seat was indeed next to Sirius, who had been copying lyrics from Bowie's latest album while listening to the lesson. Remus had quickly seated, leaving his bag on the chair. He turned to Sirius and smiled.
"Oh Merlin he’s so hot" Sirius had thought.
- You look so wasted and tired Moony - he had indeed said, in a gentle tone.
- I am - he whispered. He laid is head on the desk, still looking at Sirius. - But you... you look so good. -
- Thank you Moons. And I said you looked tired, not that you didn't look good.
- You look so good - Remus touched the other boy's hand with his fingertips.
- Thank you, you've said that already.
Remus did not answer, he hadn't payed attention to what Sirius had said. - Hey Remus, why don't you just take a nap during this class? - He asked laying his face on his desk so that he could look at him straight in the eyes.
- But McGonagall... and I have to take notes - he said scratching his eyes with the sleeve of his sweater.
- She won't say anything to you - he replied - and I will take notes for you.
- Will you?
- Yes
- Thank you so much Pads, I think I really need some sleep.
- I think that too - he agreed, but Remus had already closed his eyes and Sirius doubted he had even heard that.
During the lessons he actually took notes, probably for the second time since he had been at Hogwarts. And he did that carefully, not just infodumping informations without order or sense, but underlining important sentences and keeping tidy handwriting. Sometimes he would look at the boy resting peacefully next to him, calm like nothing ever bothered him. But Sirius could see bandages on his scalps from the collar of his shirt and he knew that he must have had a lot of new cuts and wounds.
Only in that moment he entirely understood there was something more than just friendship. That he felt his body shivering at Remus' touch and he had felt his cheeks becoming red when Remus had said he looked good. Sirius knew that Remus was probably just tipsy from all the painkillers, that he would never say or think any of that. And he knew he would suffer because of that. He knew he would have to pretend he had no feelings for his best friend. He also knew that no girl would ever be like that.
In the following full moons, it became an habit. Remus would rest during the lessons, sometimes even skipping them to sleep in their dorm, and Sirius would take notes for him. He even realized that he loved doing that. Because sometimes Remus gave him an hug to thank him for the notes, a really tight hug, and Sirius felt like he could faint at any moment.
Months later, they will have laughed about it, thinking of how they were both so embarrassingly in love and still both believed the other didn't feel the same. He never stopped asking him opinions about his looks or taking care of him after fool moons. While Remus always carried chocolate in his pocket, he still stroked Sirius' hands with his fingertips