Anti-Hero
January 10, 2004
“Granger? What the fuck happened?” He sounded… concerned?
Before she could say anything, Theo rushed over and took a seat on the couch next to her. She still had her arms wrapped around her legs with her knees still pulled tightly to her chest.
Why was he here? She had only ever seen him in passing and never even really talked to him. Why was he in her flat?
Theo must have seen the confusion written all over her face because he said, with arms lifted in defense, “Pansy sent me.” She nodded slowly in understanding, her mind still dazed.
He tentatively put a hand on her back, trying to soothe her as she kept crying. “Shh. It’s okay. Tell me what happened.”
Even though Hermione didn’t really know Theo like that, she felt, in that moment, that she could trust him. That he just wanted to help. She honestly didn’t have the energy to question or fight or argue with him right now, either.
She shook her head slowly and whispered under her breath, “It’s all my fault.”
“What is?” He asked, but after she said it, her tears started again and she let out a broken sob. Theo wrapped his arms around Hermione at the same time she seemed to collapse into him.
“Everything.” During her spiral, her mind had concluded that everything that went wrong with Ron was also her fault. That everything that went wrong, period, was her fault. She knew deep down it wasn’t true, but she couldn’t stop thinking it.
Her breathing picked up and another sob escaped. Theo just kept rubbing circles on her back, trying to calm her down. He was quiet, letting her get it all out.
Hermione’s brain brought her back to the past. To Liam. To Draco. How everything always fell apart, no matter how hard she tried.
Her heartbeat sped up, but she continued through sobs, “It’s like I ruin everything I touch. Everyone expects me to be great, to be so strong. But I don’t know how to anymore. I feel like I disappoint everyone, and if I haven’t yet, I will. I’m just so tired of trying to be perfect,” she went quiet again, thinking about her future, then continued softly, “What if they hate me? What if I’m not good enough?”
Theo didn’t know anything about what was happening or had happened in her life, but he didn’t ask any questions. She was rambling, and he let her. He just listened.
It felt like every doubt she had ever had was creeping in and taking over. Drowning her in emotions. And there was nothing she could do to make it stop. She felt paralyzed by it.
She couldn’t stop thinking, she couldn’t turn her mind off. Her breathing picked up even more until she was hyperventilating. Theo removed his hand from her back and turned to her to try to calm her again. “Granger, Granger, hey, it’s okay. You’re going to be okay.”
She could barely hear him over the pounding of her heartbeat in her ears. She could barely get a full breath into her lungs.
It wasn’t working.
Her eyes were searching his, and she knew he could see the panic there. Theo faced her fully and took her face in his hands. She let her legs fall over the seat of the couch and away from her chest as she wrapped her hands around his wrists and faced him, too.
“Take a deep breath,” he told her. She did. “That was good, can you try to do that a few more times for me?” Hermione closed her eyes and did as he said.
She was shaking her head and squeezing her eyes shut. It still wasn’t working which was making her panic even more. What was happening?
When she opened her eyes again, he said, “Tell me five things you can see right now.”
“I– what?” Hermione asked him, breathless and confused.
“Just tell me,” Theo insisted.
Hermione glanced around the room, “My television… my kitchen table… the coffee pot,” she glanced at her guitar on the coffee table, but decided against it, “my notebook… and you.” She squeezed her eyes closed again and kept trying to breathe.
Theo nodded, “Good. Now tell me four things you can feel.”
She opened her eyes and gave him a curious stare, but he just looked expectantly at her. “My sweater… the couch beneath me… the watch on my wrist… and your hands on my face.”
“What are three things you can hear?” He continued as he wiped the falling tears from her face with his thumbs.
She breathed in through her nose and out through her mouth, eyes still closed. “Your voice… Crookshanks eating…” she went quiet trying to hear every sound, “and the ceiling fan.”
She felt calmer, not completely better, but she thought she might getting there. Kind of. She thought her heartbeat might be slowing and that she could maybe breathe a little bit better.
Hermione opened her eyes to see Theo still watching her, concern etched on his face. “You’re doing great, Granger, but we aren’t done. Tell me two things you can smell.” His hands left her face and gathered her hands in his.
“The candle burning on the counter… and the detergent on my sweater.” They were watching each other.
“Good, now last one. Give me a thing you can taste.” He squeezed her hands.
“The sugar quill I had earlier,” she answered.
“That was really great. How do you feel?” He searched her eyes, not loosening his grip on her hands yet. He seemed more concerned than he should be. He barely knew her.
“Better,” she breathed in a breath. It wasn’t a full one quite yet, but she could breathe again. It didn’t register until now, but her tears had stopped, too.
Hermione looked curiously at Theo. She had so many questions: What just happened? What did he do and how did he know to do it? Why was he even here?
She assumed he saw the questions in her eyes because he let go of her hands and asked, “Do you have panic attacks often, Granger?” His tone was careful and genuine, free of any sarcasm. It made her even more curious.
“Is that what just happened?” Hermione asked. She had heard of them, but she had never experienced one.
“Yeah, it is, but you’re okay now.”
“How did you know to do that? How did you know that would work?” She watched him, genuinely curious.
“I’ve had practice.” Hermione could see the distant, far-away look in his eye as he seemed to recall a memory, so she didn’t press him further.
There was one thing still nagging at her, though. She caught his eyes again. “Theo? What are you doing? Why did you come here?”
“Pansy sent me. She wanted us all to go out tonight and was too busy getting ready, so she sent me to fetch you. Ordered me not to come back without you.” Theo stood suddenly and Hermione felt a pang of something that she could only describe as sadness.
She didn’t want to be around a lot of people right now, but she also didn’t want to be alone. Theo’s company was kind of nice.
Hermione dropped her hands in her lap and started picking with her fingernails, her face felt tight from the dried tears. She watched Theo walk toward the fireplace through still-wet eyelashes. “Well, when you go back, tell her I’m sorry for not making it toni–”
“I will do no such thing,” he cut her off and looked at her with mock offense. “Granger, if you think I’m leaving you all alone right now, you have absolutely lost the plot.” He was looking for something that he, apparently, didn’t find on the fireplace mantle. “I know we aren’t the best of friends, but I will not be leaving you alone to get caught in your head again.”
He found what he was looking for on the window sill. Parchment and a pen. Hermione kept muggle pens since they were quicker and easier to use.
Hermione was watching him curiously as he wrote something on the parchment then opened the window. “Granger, how do you usually get your owl over here? It’s looking at me from that tree like I have a second head.”
“Who are you owling?”
“Pansy. I’m telling her I won’t be coming tonight. I have something more important to do.”
She sighed and leaned back into her couch, pulling her knees to her chest again. “Just whistle to him. His name is Archimedes.” Theo did as she instructed.
“Like Merlin’s owl from The Sword in the Stone?” He asked as he tied the note to her owl’s leg and sent him off with a “good boy, Archi” and a treat.
This made Hermione even more curious about Theo. She fixed him with a curious stare. “Yes, exactly like that,” she asked suspiciously. “How did you know that?”
“I’m a wizard, Granger, not an idiot. Now what do you want for dinner? We can do pizza, sushi, burgers? I’m good for anything, but you have to pick.” He said as he wandered to her television set and started looking through her box of movies and tv shows that she had on DVD.
“I never said you were an idiot,” he gave her a look and she gave him one right back. “I just have never met any wizard or witch that knows muggle movies like that. Especially the old ones.”
Theo shrugged his shoulders and went back to browsing the movies and sighed. “What can I say, I’m not like other wizards,” He said dramatically, making a joke. Hermione laughed with Theo.
“Sushi,” she said after a few silent moments. Theo grabbed two movies that he was looking at and brought them back to the couch.
“Perfect. Now, you have to pick the movie.” He held up two DVD keep cases. One read The Sound of Music and the other read Chicago.
Hermione had seen both of these so many times, they were her favorites. “Have you ever seen these?” She asked Theo, curiously.
“I’ve seen bits of this one,” holding The Sound of Music up higher, “but I’ve never even heard of this one.” He referred to Chicago.
Hermione’s jaw dropped, but she quickly picked it back up and said with absolute certainty, “Okay, yep, that’s the one we’re watching. You can’t live any more life without watching Chicago. It’s one of my favorites.”
In Theo’s defense, the movie version had only come out two years earlier, while The Sound of Music had been out for almost forty years.
He laughed. “You’ve got yourself a deal, Granger. You go take a shower and I’ll order the food. We can watch the movie after.”
“Thanks, Theo.” Hermione got up from the couch for the first time in almost three hours. She went to her bathroom and looked at herself in the mirror. She looked like a disaster.
Hermione took her hair down and hopped in the shower. She spent twenty minutes in there. The whole time she was replaying the last hour’s events over in her head. It made her want to cry all over again.
Not because she was sad, but because she wasn’t alone. Theo was here.
He wasn’t even really a friend, though. Tonight was only the first time they had even had a full conversation. Even though they were technically in the same friend group, she never really hung out with them. Ron hated being around Blaise, Pansy, and Theo and he didn’t want Hermione to be around them either. She just wanted Ron to be happy, so she never realized what she would be missing out on. Pansy was the only one that she was actually friends with, even though Ron hated it.
But Theo still put his entire evening on hold to help her and be there for her.
Hermione got out of the shower, dried off, and spelled her hair dry. She summoned some pajamas from her room and got dressed. She had to admit that Theo’s suggestion of a shower was a good one.
As she was getting dressed it had occurred to her that her guitar was still sitting on her coffee table. She opened the bathroom door and ran into the sitting room in a near panic trying to find it and hide it in hopes that Theo hadn’t noticed it. She wasn’t sure why she wanted it hidden so badly, but she did.
When she ran into the living room, Theo was pouring two glasses of white wine. He noticed her presence when she stopped in the doorway. They stared at each other for a few moments. Theo looked curious, like she was acting odd.
Her eyes slid slowly to the coffee table looking for her blue guitar, hoping that the slower she moved, the less he would notice.
He noticed anyway.
“I was picking up a bit. I put your guitar on the stand in the corner,” he handed her a glass of wine. “Hope you like Pinot Grigio,” he said with a smile.
Hermione’s eyes slid back to Theo and he continued, “I didn’t know you played.” He leaned against the counter and took a sip from his own glass.
“Yeah, a little,” Hermione said slowly, hesitantly, and took a sip of her wine. She was watching him curiously over the rim of her glass.
“That’s nice. I always wished I knew how. Draco tried teaching me once, but my hand-eye coordination is no good.”
Hermione was surprised to hear his name. She thought about him him all the time, and saw his name in the papers occasionally, but she hadn’t heard his name in a while.
And, he knew how to play, too? She had tried to teach him so many times. He had gotten better, but never quite got the hang of it.
Theo noticed that Hermione had gone quiet and left the conversation alone. He handed Hermione her sushi. Hermione thanked him, grabbed her sushi, and levitated both of their wine glasses to the now-empty coffee table. Theo followed, his own sushi in hand.
Theo had already put the movie in the DVD player so Hermione went and pressed the play button.
They ate their sushi and drank their wine and watched Chicago. Hermione couldn’t help but sing her favorite songs. Her personal favorite was “Cell Block Tango”, but it would seem that Theo really liked “When You’re Good To Mama”.
Theo never made any comments on her singing. And it never even occurred to her to not sing along because of Theo being there. It felt natural. They were watching a musical for goodness sake!
And when that one was over, they watched The Sound of Music because Hermione insisted that Theo needed to see that one, too.
Theo had disappeared into the kitchen with their empty sushi boxes and wine glasses, a few minutes into the second movie, and returned with two bowls of ice cream. Hermione fixed him with a questioning look. She didn’t have ice cream.
He shrugged. “What? I tipped the delivery guy £50 to get us ice cream on his was over.”
Hermione just laughed as he sat down and handed Hermione her bowl. They ate their ice cream in peace.
They had both fallen asleep before the movie was over.
Draco was walking down the street towards a bar in Muggle London. Pansy had practically forced him out tonight, but he wasn’t sure if he was starting to regret it or not. This would be the first time that he had done anything outside of his house or work since he returned to London.
Once he walked up to the building, he looked in through the window and glanced in. He saw Pansy and Neville, Potter and the Weaselette, and Blaise and Padma. He found it odd that Theo wasn’t here with everyone.
He had barely made it halfway to the table before he was caught in a bear hug, by a drunken Pansy, that stopped him in his tracks. “Draco! Where have you been? We’ve been waiting ages for you!” She said a bit too loudly.
“Having all the fun without me, Pans?” Draco pulled Pansy off of him to see her face. Pansy replied with a giggle and a “Never!”
Pansy grabbed Draco’s hand and started to lead them back to the table of their friends. They didn’t make it but a few feet before a concerned-looking Neville Longbottom was in their path. “Pansy! I’m going to have to glue you to the floor if you don’t stay put. At least tell me when you’re running off,” he laughed.
When Pansy had some alcohol in her system, she was a runner. If you didn’t keep your eyes on her, she’d be gone before you could count to three.
She threw her arms around her husband, giggling. Neville hugged his wife back. “Hey, Draco. It’s good to see you, again! It’s been a while,” they shook hands and laughed. The two had seen each other a few times since their Hogwarts days, but not often.
They had gotten along well. Draco could tell that Neville was good for Pansy and that she was good for him. He was happy for them. They seemed happy together.
Each time he saw them together, though, he couldn’t help but feel a pang of jealousy. He and Astoria would never have anything that even remotely resembled what Pansy and Neville had. Draco had felt that way only once in his life. But it doesn’t do to dwell on the past.
Neville led the three of them back to the table where they found the other four members of their group. Blaise and Potter were deep in conversation, as were Padma and Ginny. They all greeted Draco with hugs and handshakes.
He had met Padma a few times because she and Blaise had been dating for about a year now, but he had never really talked to Ginny. She was nice to him, though, and seemed to leave the past in the past. Potter must have talked to her.
Pansy and Neville took their seats again, which left Draco to sit at the head of the table. It became more obvious to him that he was alone because of it. It made him wonder again where Theo was.
There had been a drink waiting for Draco, which he took a sip of before asking, “Pans, where’s Theo? I thought you said he’d be here?”
Apparently, he wasn’t the only one curious. “Yeah, where is that tosser? He said he’d be here when I talked to him earlier,” Blaise asked. Everyone looked expectantly at Pansy, awaiting her response.
It wasn’t like Theo to miss out on a night out. He loved being with his friends and wasn’t one to break promises. If he said he’d be there and didn’t show, there was a really good reason.
“Well, he was over earlier, and I sent him to Hermione’s,” Pansy said. Draco went rigid, but no one seemed to notice. “I told him to tell her to come with us and that he wasn’t to come back without her. And well I don’t see either of them, so I don’t know what happened,” Pansy finished.
Why was Theo with her? He understood the reason why he went, but what made him stay? Was he still there?
Draco was still staring intently at Pansy and didn’t realize that he had such a firm grip on the glass in his hand until he felt someone staring. He suddenly became very aware and glanced over to see Ginny Weasley staring at him. He immediately loosened his grip on his glass.
Draco looked around the table to see if anyone else noticed, but it seemed they had all fallen into another conversation. When he found Ginny again, she was still studying him, so he took a sip of his drink to try and ignore her.
Hoping that no one would notice, he stood from the table. “Excuse me, I’ll be right back,” he said quietly. Draco walked to the restrooms on the far side of the room. There was no one in there, so it was quiet. Exactly what he needed.
He paced before the sinks and mirrors for a few seconds, just thinking. He couldn’t stop thinking.
Eventually, Draco stopped pacing and stood in front of one of the sinks. He turned on the cold water and splashed it on his face. When he glanced up a his reflection, he saw a ghost of himself staring back at him.
He was here with his best friends. The people who, after all he’d done, still accepted him. Who were willing to still be associated with him. Even these Gryffindors… even they were okay with being around him.
So why did he still feel like he was drowning?
It was as if he had no control over anything in his life. He was forced into a marriage that he didn’t even want. Even though most people thought that he couldn’t hear them, he knew they were still whispering about him every time he walked through the Ministry. He would spiral at every mention of Hermione’s name.
But at the same time, the marriage was acceptable. Draco and Astoria lived mostly separately, anyway. He was able to land a good, respectable job that he enjoyed. Both he and Hermione had real chances to be happy after the war.
And yet, he had never been more unhappy.
His thoughts were interrupted by a man stumbling into the bathroom, and he took that as his sign to leave. Draco pulled himself from his spiral and took a deep breath. This wasn’t the first time he had these thoughts and it wouldn’t be the last.
Draco opened the door to head back to the table of his friends. When he rounded the corner, he was met by a head of red hair and a face full of freckles. Ginny Weasley was standing in his path, blocking him from going back to the table.
She had her arms crossed and a suspicious look on her face. Draco tried to move around her to the right, but she just followed his path. He did it again, but to the left. Ginny blocked him again. He obviously wasn’t getting around her unless she wanted him to.
“What do want, Ginny?” Draco breathed.
“What is it with you? You got all weird as soon as Pansy mentioned Hermione.”
Draco didn’t answer, he just closed his eyes to try and calm his thoughts. Apparently, for Ginny, that was a response in itself. A wrong one, too.
“Are you still… like how you used to be? Harry told me that you had chan–”
“Don’t ever say that, again,” he opened his eyes and saw Ginny freeze at his hard tone. “Please,” he added softly.
Ginny was watching him curiously. “Then what is it?”
It became very obvious to Draco that, not only had Potter not told Ginny, but neither had Hermione. To be fair, Draco hadn’t told anyone either. If they kept their time together a secret, then no one could mess it up or take it away or use it against them.
“I’m not doing this right now. I don’t owe you any kind of explanation.” Draco tried to skirt around her again, but she pushed him back.
“Oh no you don’t!”
They just stared at each other for a few moments before Draco said quietly, “It’s not just my story to tell.”
Ginny went still and didn’t try to stop Draco the next time he tried to walk around her.
Draco walked past her and out of the bar without looking back.
Once their group left the bar, Harry and Ginny went back to their apartment. Harry told her that he was going to go to Grimmauld Place to check in on the kids.
After the war, Harry decided to turn Grimmauld Place into an orphanage of sorts. He wanted kids like him, who didn’t have a good place to go back to, to have a reliable place to call home. A place to go when they weren’t at Hogwarts.
There were people who worked there to look after all of the kids, but Harry liked to go there and be a part of their lives. He liked to be involved, and Ginny loved him for it. It made her look forward to the future that she hoped they would have one day.
After Harry left, Ginny decided she needed to see Hermione. She wrote a note to Harry letting him know that's where she would be and made her way there.
Ginny would usually just floo in, but with the knowledge that Theo may still be there, she opted for the front door. Just in case.
She knocked on the front door of Hermione’s flat and heard light footsteps coming to the door. Ginny was only a little bit surprised when Theodore Nott answered the door.
When Theo saw that it was Ginny, he quickly stepped into the hallway and closed the door behind himself. He seemed to have just woken up.
“What are you doing here, Theo?” Ginny whispered. It was nearly 11:30 p.m.
Theo just watched her. “I could ask you the same thing, Red.”
Ginny rolled her eyes with a sigh. “You know what I mean,” she crossed her arms over her chest. “Pansy said you came here earlier, but I want to know why you never went back.”
Theo studied Ginny closely then crossed his arms too, mocking her. “If you think I’m fooling around with Granger, then you’re wrong.” Theo was studying Ginny closely.
“I would hope not,” Ginny rolled her eyes.
“I’m right here, Gin.” Theo sighed as he lifted his hands in mock offense.
“You know what I mean. She just– she and Ron only just broke up and I just want what’s best for her. And I don’t think jumping into something new would be the best thing for her right now,” Ginny explained.
“Yknow, she can do whatever she wants, right? She’s a grown woman and can make those calls for herself,” Theo replied.
Ginny sighed. “I know that Theo and I will always be supportive of whatever she chooses. Not to mention, I am very unhappy with my brother right now, so she won’t have to worry about me being upset over that.”
“If that’s the case, then you might want to go in there,” Theo said as he observed Ginny.
“What? Why?”
“Well, when I came to get her earlier, she wasn’t in a good place. I was able to calm her down and get her in a better place. I can’t tell you if it’s a good place, but I’m pretty sure it’s better than before,” Theo’s whispers went even quieter and he broke eye contact with Ginny, "I just couldn’t leave her like that. When it was me, I wanted someone to be there for me. I couldn’t leave her,” Theo glanced down to his feet and started messing with a loose floorboard.
She could tell that there was more to the story, but that Theo was being respectful of Hermione. If Hermione wanted Ginny to know the details, she would tell her.
Ginny was also so very grateful to Theo for what he did. Hermione was always the most independent one in the group. People went to her for help, not the other way around. She wouldn’t ask for help until she was forced to. Ginny was glad that Theo had been there.
Ginny surged forward and wrapped her arms around Theo, and he gingerly returned her embrace. “Thank you, Theo. I’m glad she had you,” she whispered in his ear.
They both stepped back and observed the other.
Theo spoke first, “She’s inside. Fell asleep watching The Sound of Music. You may want to let her sleep for now. She was really worked up earlier and I’m sure it took a lot out of her.” Ginny just nodded silently.
“Theo? Can you tell me why? Why was she so upset?”
He just sighed. “I think it all just caught up to her. You know her better than I do, so you know she shoulders everything and never even bends. I think it just broke her. After everything, this was all she could take.”
Both of them were quiet, taking in Theo’s words. After a few moments, Theo turned to walk in the direction that Ginny came, trying to find his way home. Before he could, Ginny whispered again, “Thank you for being you, Theo.”
Theo turned back to Ginny and nodded with a small smile.
Ginny went into Hermione’s flat to make sure she was really okay. While she was in there, she made sure Crookshanks had food and water.
She saw the takeout sushi boxes on the kitchen table and ice cream bowls in the sink.
The Sound of Music was still playing on Hermione’s television, the sound of “So Long, Farewell” playing low from the box.
Hermione was sound asleep covered in blankets on her couch, looking more peaceful than Ginny had seen her in months.