So Many Secrets
Amira's lips turned up ever so slightly when she noticed the blonde head sitting in the library again that morning. He had been there every day for the past three, since that first morning that they had chatted. She hadn't spoken to him, and hid herself in her secret spot. She had been too tired. Her uncle had been more demanding as of late, apparently he was going on a trip today with the other Death Eaters, and he was trying to get the full use out of her before he left. Finally he'd left last night, and she'd actually been able to get some sleep.
She could tell the Dark Lord had left with them. The Manor simply felt warmer, if only marginally.
It made her smile, the way that she could tell Draco was looking for her, and wondering if she would be back everyday. She couldn't tell if he was apprehensive, or interested.
Today, she decided that she would show herself. Her feet quietly padded down the path to his nook and bench. She waited in the shadows for him to notice her. She wasn't about to invite herself to sit next to the heir. She might have been acting bold, but she wasn't actually that brave. She was still a squib, and he was basically a pureblood prince.
"Amira," Draco greeted when he saw her after several minutes, "That's rather creepy you know?"
Amira shrugged and stepped into the light a bit more.
"Well come sit," Draco said, shifting so that she would have more room. She walked forward and sat next to him. The first time, her heart had been pounding with anxiety over her forward actions and words, despite her calm exterior.
"Where have you been?" he asked her after a few long minutes.
"Here and there," she answered evasively. She wasn't about to answer that she'd been in her uncle's bedroom.
He shook his head, "So many secrets."
"That's life," she said simply.
"You're right," Draco sighed, and then said to himself again, "So many secrets."
"Well, at least you'll have your house mostly back to yourself for a few days," Amira mused quietly. Draco looked at her.
"What?"
"Well, they've all gone on a trip for several days," she explained, looking at him curiously, "They didn't tell you?"
"No... all of them? How do you know?" Draco asked.
"Yes, all of them," she said, "My father... my uncle told me."
"Ah," then he paused, "Even the Dark Lord?"
"Yes," she said, "Can't you feel it? That he's not here?"
Draco sat still for a moment, "Maybe? I wouldn't have noticed though, without you pointing it out."
Amira shrugged, "It felt obvious to me."
"Hm," he said quietly.
"So what are you going to do with your free time?" she asked. She knew that he had been participating in the screams that she heard each night before Yaxley called for her. She was curious to know how he was faring with that. Did he enjoy it? Did he hate it? Was he neutral?
He breathed out, "Probably sleep."
His eyes did have increasingly dark circles sitting beneath them. She nodded.
"It will be quieter at night," she said carefully.
"Thankfully," Draco whispered. So he hated it then. For now at least. That made her feel a little better.
"You must be excited though," she said, to make conversation, "Your father will be returning soon."
"I am," he said, though he sounded anything but excited, "It will be good to see him free again."
"Make it feel more like home again too?" she suggested. He shook his head.
"Nothing will make this feel like home," he laughed darkly, "This is so far from home."
"How so?" she asked.
"We aren't this... formal. Or quiet," he said, "And my family, they didn't... they weren't interested in all of what occurs here now."
He paused.
"I was taught to take power at all costs, but not to forget the costs. Not to be careless, or cruel," he said, "It was supposed to have honor."
"Your family didn't torture people for fun you mean?" she said bluntly. Draco looked around quickly in fear. When he was assured that they were alone, he sat back and nodded.
"Why are you joining them then?" she asked.
"I believe in the cause," he said robotically. "And it's my family's legacy."
"So you don't have a choice," she summarized, "Or so you think."
Draco looked at her harshly, "You wouldn't understand."
"Okay," she said simply. It was clear the Malfoy heir felt trapped. In some ways he was, but she felt that it would be relatively easy for him to leave if he truly wanted to get out. He could go join the other side and they would welcome him and his insider information with open arms. And he had magic. He would be useful to anyone. For her, she was truly stuck here. She couldn't leave, and no one would take her in anyways.
Draco wouldn't stop looking at her. She didn't look back, and instead studied the flowers.
"Do you think I have a choice?" he asked quietly.
"Everyone has choices, mostly," she said.
"Do you?" he asked. She laughed.
"I suppose," she answered. She could choose to do a lot of things, even if none of them would end very well. "If there wasn't a war, what would you do?"
Draco sat back and looked away from her finally to think.
"Well, I'd probably become a politician, like my father," he guessed, "I'd have to finish Hogwarts first of course."
Her ears perked, she'd always wanted to go to Hogwarts.
"What's it like, Hogwarts?" she asked. He glanced at her.
"It's... school I guess," he said, "There's classes, Quidditch."
"What classes do you like?" she asked.
"I like charms, transfiguration. Defense of course. I also like potions, but that's partially because I'm so advanced. Snape, he teaches it, and he's my godfather, so he's been teaching me since I was young," he explained.
"Are you close?"
"Severus isn't really a man you get close to, but I suppose we used to be very cordial," he said. "I don't trust him anymore."
"He's a spy," she said, "Do you think he's switched sides?"
"I do," he said, "But the Dark Lord trusts him. And so does my mother."
"Ah," she said. Privately, she thought that perhaps Narcissa wasn't as aligned with the Dark Lord as Draco thought. It wasn't her place to say that, and it wasn't something she was even very sure about. Narcissa's slight generosity to her could mean absolutely nothing about her true loyalties.
"What makes you distrust him so?" she asked.
"He helped Potter, I think," he said. Harry Potter. It was not a name that Amira didn't know. She'd seen enough newspapers with his name in it. She knew the stories. Personally though, she didn't quite understand what all of the buzz was about. He was a boy who somehow didn't die when he was just one year old. That boy wouldn't know how he did it. All of the stories and rumors about him beyond that may or may not have truth, she didn't really care. The only notable and true thing was his part in the Triwizard Tournament last year. And perhaps his presence at the Ministry recently. Still, no one knew what truly happened, and Anira would bet money, if she had any, that he wasn't really anything special. She did wonder how he felt about everything in his life though.
"Do you know him, Potter?" she asked. Draco snorted.
"Yeah I know him, he's an arse," he said, "Golden boy of Gryffindor, and everyone loves him for no reason. He's not good at anything except for Quidditch."
"Draco?" they heard a voice call, "Breakfast?"
"Oh Merlin, that's my mother," Draco said standing quickly, "I'm late."
"Good thing no one's here," Amira said, remaining seated.
"I'll... see you around," Draco said, before he quickly headed off. Amira sat for a long time after he left, thinking of what Hogwarts would be like. She’d have friends there, she hoped. She’d never had friends before, never really been around people her own age. She shook herself, there was no point of dreaming of things that would never come true. She was a squib, and squibs didn’t go to Hogwarts.
Draco didn't see Amira for the rest of that day, or most of the next. It was only when he was leaving the library that night, looking forward to his second peaceful night in the Manor, that he spotted her. She was standing in the entrance hall, looking into their grand ballroom that they hardly ever used. Though she was off to the side, it was unusual for her to be so out in the open. Draco came to stand next to her.
"Hello," he said. She looked up at him for just a moment and nodded in greeting. "What are you doing?"
It was a common question he asked her. He didn't know why he was so curious about her.
"Just looking, normally I don't have the chance to see these rooms," she explained.
"I mean, you could," Draco said, "No one would stop you."
"I could, but then I would risk being seen by people who would find all too much pleasure in catching me," she said darkly. Draco had to concede her point. Bellatrix, and the Dark Lord might have some fun if they caught the squib wandering about the Manor. "Do you host balls often?"
"When I was younger there were a few, and then we take turns hosting the Yule," Draco said.
"Do you enjoy it?" she asked.
"I don't mind, I like to see all of my friends," he said, "I enjoy dancing. Do you?"
"I've never danced," she said. Draco felt stupid then. Of course she had never danced, squibs weren't invited to balls or anything of the sort. She'd never even been to Hogwarts. Her questions before about the school had made him feel sad. Hogwarts was a special place, even to Draco. It's where his friends were, and where he'd made so many memories, good and bad. He couldn't imagine never having gone.
"What's it like, not having magic?" he asked. He knew it might be rude, but she'd asked him a fair share of rude questions as well.
She shrugged then. "That's all I know."
There was a long pause where he waited for her to say more.
"I think some people might think I wish for it," she said, "I used to."
"I can't imagine not having it," Draco said. No matter how dark his life might be at the moment, he still had magic.
"That's because you've always had it. It would be a great loss to you," she said, "It's no loss to me. I don't know what it's like. I am just fine without."
"You don't wish for it?" he asked, shocked.
"No," she said simply, "The only thing... I would like to be treated like a human maybe. I know I'm not the same, and I know... I know I don't get to be treated like the rest of you, but I do wish for it."
Draco thought about that. He'd never thought about how the squibs felt. They were exposed and born to a world that they didn't fully get to be a part of. And... it wasn't their fault. What would it be like to be born without the very thing that made them who they were? A piece of Draco's worldview crumbled down.
"Yeah, I guess it isn't great, the way people treat you," he said. She snorted.
"You can say that again," she muttered.
"Forgive me, but... why don't you just go live with Muggles?" he asked, "Your uncle... he could still provide for you?"
"He doesn't have any interest in allowing me to be away from him," she said. Her tone was dark, and resentful. Draco started to get an eerie feeling like something might be amiss, but he didn't know what.
"Are you close?" he asked slowly.
"Not....really," she said. Draco didn't know what that meant. "Well, it's late, I need to go to bed."
She abruptly ended their conversation and walked away before Draco could say anything else. He stared after her for a long moment before turning towards his own rooms. That girl was such a mystery, and a puzzle. There were more pieces every time they talked, but Draco didn't know where to put them. Nothing went together. She was a squib, and didn't wish for magic. She wasn't close to her uncle, but he wouldn't let her leave. She seemed shy and secluded, but asked him daring questions with confidence. She didn't know a lot about the world, but she seemed to know a lot about him. It was all very confusing.
Draco laid awake for a long time that night pondering it and came to no conclusions.
Amira was curled in a cushy library chair the next day, lost in a book about Wizard History. It was modern, and was detailing the rise and fall of Grindelwald and Dumbledore's part in it. Yaxley had a library, as all wizard families did, but it was not nearly as extensive as the Malfoy library. She tried to read as much as she could, not knowing how long she would be here. Her uncle was set to return that night, and she was also just trying to enjoy her last day of peace. The day was already passing way too quickly for her liking.
The big library door creaked open. She heard familiar footsteps of Draco Malfoy going to his usual spot. More often than not, Amira was hidden in the library when he came in. She didn't often bother him. Though he seemed to enjoy their conversations, she wasn't naive enough to believe he wanted to frequently converse with a squib. The only reason he would indulge her at all was because she was near his age and he was feeling stifled in this environment.
Today was his last day of peace as well, and it might be her last chance to talk with him for a while. She sat, debating if she should go to him. Surprisingly, his footsteps didn't stop at the usual spot, and instead started going between the shelves. They would stop for a few moments, and then continue. They were actually coming closer to her. She sat patiently, wondering if she would stumble upon her.
He did. He turned the corner and paused, a large stack of books in his hand.
"Er, hello," he said, clearly surprised to see her there.
"Hello," she replied softly, "That's a lot of books."
"Yeah," he said, "I'm bringing them to my room so that I can stay there... more."
She nodded. He was preparing for his home to be re-invaded. And it would be worse in just a few days, after the Azkaban escape. Amira would do the same thing, if she didn't have so much more to lose by being caught with 'stolen' or even borrowed Malfoy books.
"You know," he said, reading her mind, "There's a small library on my floor, you could help me fill the shelves. You could pick some of the books you'd want, and then read there."
"You'd let me?" she asked, surprised. It was a kind, and unexpected gesture.
"Yes," he said, and then grinned cockily, "If you help me."
"Aren't you a wizard?" she said dryly, "Do a little 'Wingardium Leviosa'"
He looked sheepish, "You're right. Still, come pick some out."
She smiled gratefully for just a second and stood.
She turned first to the section that she knew the Yaxley library didn't have. She browsed carefully. She didn't want to take too many, and overuse his offer. She picked out three. One on history, one on modern politics and systems, and one on magical theory. Draco stood next to her and looked at her choices.
"Magic theory?" he asked.
"Just because I can't use it, doesn't mean it isn't interesting," she murmured, looking down.
"Well in that case," he gestured for her to follow and led her to another part of the library. He looked at the books closely for a second, and then reached high above her head to retrieve one. Amira kept her eyes down. She hadn't realized how much taller he was. He handed her the book, and Amira was careful not to touch his hands. He did have nice hands. Long, thin but strong fingers.
"This will be much more interesting, but take both," he said.
"Are you sure?" she asked.
"You could pick at least ten more, and then ten more after that before I said anything," he said, "And that's just because we'd have to take two trips."
She nodded and looked down. She followed him to place her chosen books on the table. From there, they went up and down each row together, picking any book that they would find interesting. The only ones Draco wouldn't let them take were the ones he worried the Dark Lord, Bellatrix, or his father would want.
Draco watched as she looked at a title, and then placed it back. It was one of his favorites.
"Why not that one?" he asked.
"I've already read it," she said.
"You have?" he asked, intrigued, "What did you think?"
"It was alright," she said, moving down the row. "I think the author thought rather highly of himself."
Draco watched the way she focused her bright blue eyes on the books in front of her. Being this close to her, he could see her long lashes, and noticed the smooth curve of her nose, and her defined cheekbones and jaw. She was really very pretty. If someone was looking. Which he wasn't. Because she was a squib.
"Hm," he said. "I liked it."
"You would," she said.
"You should explain that," he said, affronted by the tone.
"You should be able to figure it out," she said, a smile ghosting her lips.
"Are you saying I think highly of myself?" he demanded, "Because I should. I'm... I'm a Malfoy."
"Ok," she said, fully grinning now, still not looking at him. It infuriated him as he trailed after her.
"You're making fun of me," he stated.
"I am not," she said cheerfully, "Why, does it bother you?"
He cleared his throat, "No. Of course not."
"Right," she said. Draco could swear he saw her giggle before she turned away. Suddenly, he wondered what it would be like to see her actually laugh. Even at his expense.
There was a moment of silence, and Draco searched for something to say to get her talking again. "So you didn't like that book, what types are your favorite then?"
She looked at him quickly, only a flash of blue before she returned her gaze to the shelves.
"I suppose I like anything that seems unique," she said, "I like to read something challenging, and one that makes me think. The ones where they're writing something completely new."
Draco pondered it. "Why? Why not ones that enforce the good ideas that are accepted? Wouldn't they be more useful?"
"Maybe," she said with a shrug, "But then, I don't really need to read it do I? If I already agree, and already know."
"It could provide more reasons to agree, ways to argue for the point," Draco argued.
"But there's no reason to argue if there is no room for disagreement," she said calmly.
"Well there's always disagreement," Draco said, "The other side will never agree."
"Why not?"
"They won't see reason, they think they're so smart. With their new ideas and such, they have no idea the history that they're trampling," he vented.
"They aren't listening to you," she agreed, "So why would more of the same reasons make them see? If they've already proven they don't care."
Draco stopped again, and watched her move down the row some more.
"Well, I suppose that's why there's a war," Draco said slowly. She inclined her head.
"And after the war, will there be room for disagreement?" she asked quietly, glancing around quickly.
"Well... there won't need to be, because everyone will see that we were right all along," Draco said weakly.
"Will they?" she asked seriously. She stopped and looked at him. "Do you believe that?"
"Yes," Draco said.
"Really?" she searched his face. "That's disappointing."
"The world will see," he defended, "The Dark Lord-"
"The Dark Lord will kill their families and torture the survivors. Do you think they're going to be receptive to changing their minds afterwards?" she asked hotly, "If there is no more disagreement after the war it will because they will be too afraid to speak. But there will always be whispers. Unless they are all dead. Which is possible, I should think."
"He won't kill them all, that would be genocide," Draco whispered. Her words bothered him, because he couldn't dispute them.
"Wouldn't he?" she asked, "I guess you know better, he's your future master."
"He is." Draco said firmly, "And we should not discuss such things."
Her face closed off. She nodded. Draco for a moment mourned the loss of expression and emotions that she had previously been displaying. Her eyes when she spoke had been fierce. There was a fire there. Passion inside of her that Draco was already desperate to see again. He wanted to fix the tense air that had fallen over them. He was also desperately shoving the thoughts she'd planted out of his mind. They were too dangerous to keep there. He had only barely managed to put up the first wall in his mind, and no one had even tested him yet.
After half of another hour passed, they determined that they had enough books. Draco levitated them and began to walk out of the library.
"What does it feel like?" Amira asked.
"What?" Draco didn't know what she referred to.
"When you cast a spell, what does the energy feel like through you?" she clarified.
"Oh well, erm, I suppose I don't feel much anymore. It just feels.... right. When I was younger and first started using a wand, I remember it felt warm. Now, I'm just used to it. I don't notice," he explained as they climbed the stairs to the second floor.
"Weird," she murmured.
"What's weird?"
"It's just, when people cast spells, I can always feel how much energy is rushing out of them, I assumed they'd definitely be able to feel it too," she explained. "And the textures, and weight."
"I have no idea what you're talking about," Draco admitted.
"Like this spell you're doing," she gestured to where the books were hovering, "It seems like it feels smooth, steady, but not heavy."
Draco concentrated. "I guess it does a little bit? I don't know for sure."
Amira nodded and stayed quiet.
"Do you sense magic a lot?" Draco asked her. It wasn't unheard of for wizards to be more intune with the magic around them, but it also wasn't very common. No one really talked about it because there wasn't much use for it. It surprised him that a squib could feel it.
"A fair amount," she said, "I think it's because I can't cast, but I am from a magical bloodline. I just... I pay attention because it's the only way I get to experience it."
Draco nodded, "That makes sense. Like the people who are blind but have great hearing."
"I guess," she said, sounding like her mind was far away.
They reached the small library across from Draco's room. They set the books on the table. Then together, they began to organize the books into subjects. It was pleasant. Draco started to place some of the books on the highest shelf first, and then looked down to see Amira looking up. She wouldn't be able to reach them, and she wouldn't be able to cast a spell to get them. Draco would hate to have to deal with muggle inconveniences like that.
"Sorry, I"ll put them lower," he said. She nodded gratefully, and put her handful of books next to his. As she did so, a piece of her hair fell in front of her face. Draco reached for a moment to push it back before he froze. He redirected his hand to straighten out the books in front of him.
"Perfectionist much?" she asked him. He just shrugged and walked back to the table quickly, pondering his brief moment of insanity. Why had he done that? That was completely inappropriate. That was something boys did when they liked a girl. He didn't like her. He had known her only a week. And she was a squib. And she was weird. In an endearing way maybe. Like the way she knew things she shouldn't and the way that she always tucked herself into hidden spaces. No, he didn't like her.
They worked together to place the rest of the books on the shelves. They had brought a lot, and without using the very top shelves, it was a tight squeeze.
"Here, I'll hold these and then you can push them in," he suggested. She nodded. With his help she managed to get the last book wedged in the space, arms pressing against Draco's hand. Suddenly, a bracelet that he hadn't noticed on her wrist turned hot. Really hot.
"Ouch," he said, jerking his hand back. She jerked her hand away as well.
"Sorry," she said, "My uncle's home, I must go."
"Wait, why?' he asked.
"He needs me," she said, hurriedly walking to the door. Her face was completely different now. It was serious and apprehensive. Gone was the playful light that had been present almost all afternoon.
"Amira-" he said. She paused for a moment to look at him. He floundered under her gaze. "Uh, just, I'll see you soon."
She stared at him for a moment and then nodded. Then she hurried out of the room.