the light we share

"How are we doing today, Sirius?" James asks cheerfully, he's always cheerful when the other man has an appointment- he'd never tell anyone this, but Sirius is his favorite patient. "Any soreness?"

"A bit, in my midback and across this shoulder." Sirius grins despite his words and gestures with his right hand to the offending joint. The shorter man fought in Afghanistan for two years before being honorably discharged right after he'd almost gotten blown to smithereens by an IED. He was told he'd never walk again, and James had worked his butt off to have Sirius Black stand in front of him without a single crutch in sight.

"Mm, out of ten?" James takes a step forward to ghost his hand along the line of Sirius's shoulder, the muscles along his traps feel tight and when he raises Sirius wrist to the sky his rotator cuff clicks and the man winces.

"Six." Sirius replies with a shrug once James drops his arm, leaning from foot to foot, which he only does if he's nervous or in pain.

"I'll have you start on the wall clocks then." He decides, turning to rummage through the little wire bin of elastic bands to hand Sirius the red one. "How's your knee?"

"It's fine, mostly." Sirius shrugs and steps up to the closest blank wall, wrapping the band around his wrist exactly the way he should before stretching his arm up across the wall, then to the side, then down, repeating this process and holding the other end of the band in place with his right hand. "A little twinge-y when I go up Moony's stupid stairs, but other than that, it's fine. Two tens?"

"Let's just do one today." James allows, noticing the way Sirius's face is scrunching with effort when he reaches upwards, marking it down in his chart. "I think we'll end today with a little massage instead of cupping if that's okay with you?"

"Ugh, that sounds so nice." Sirius sighs. "You've got heavenly hands, Prongs. Heavenly."

James laughs and shakes his head as he watches Sirius switch arms to keep his body balanced. This is why he likes Sirius so much, he's not only hilarious but he treats every exercise with the kind of intensity and motivation that he needs to in order to recover. He's always been like that though- stubborn as a brick, Effie would call him.

So often in this line of work James sees people want to get better but refuse to put in the effort it requires to make any actual change. He's seen so many people refuse to do the stretches at home, refuse to get up off the couch to work through the pain, but more than once James has had to tell Sirius to stop. It's a nice change of pace, it makes him feel like he's accomplishing something, like he's helping someone who needs it.

It helps that he and Sirius went to high school together, that they were thick as thieves for almost three years before the other boy was forced into the military and James was sent off to college.

"How's Haz?" Sirius asks quietly once he's finished. James is almost surprised that he's asking; he's been trying to get Sirius to come meet his five-year-old for at least a year, but the older boy refuses every time. He's terrified of hurting Harry, or saying something that could upset the little boy, which James has tried to debunk more times than he can count on both hands to no avail because as mentioned, Sirius is stubborn as a brick.

"He's good." James answers, trying to keep his excitement tampered. "Starting pre-school in November. Lily's really happy about it, he'll be the youngest in his class."

"That's good." Sirius nods when James gestures to the pully system, sitting him down and starting a four-minute timer. "How's Lily, then? Still a lesbian?"

James cackles loudly, getting a sharp and proud grin in return. It's another reason he likes Sirius, the man is funny, truly and unendingly full of wit and charm. 

"Still a lesbian." He confirms once his chuckles have died down. "Dating this really sweet girl, a little ditzy, but she treats Lily really well."

"And Harry too?"

James has to pause at this, it's the second time Sirius has asked after his son, which is two more times than he has in the past very many months. It's not that he's upset or wants it to stop, but he's a little suspicious of something more than just friendly asking. Sirius looks like he has a question he really wants to ask but can't, something he's stopping himself from just blurting out and waiting bravely for the answer.

"Yes, and Harry too."

The rest of their session goes well, with Sirius's shoulder clicking only a couple more times and his knee locks up only once on the stair machine, but James knew that would happen. He can tell Sirius is nervous about something, something big. He keeps shifting his feet and tucking his long hair behind both ears- James has attributed this trait to Walburga Black, the inability to just blurt what he's scared of. 

Sirius grew up with fear as an untouchable subject. There was no room for fear, for trepidation or hesitation, there was only the moment and the punishment afterwards. He remembers the few times Sirius slept over at his house he was so confused and startled with Euphemia's behavior, asking James why she wasn't yelling, or forcing him to cook his own meals.

Some of it could also be from the war, from the trauma of facing so much and finding fear in every situation after it. He's not stupid, he's treated more veterans than he can count, he knows war never truly leaves a person. There are no shifting sands of time, there is only before, during, and after. He's seen enough people in the after to hate everything about the during.

Sirius lays on his back, never on his stomach- not after the first time, and James carefully feels over the edge of his shoulder before rubbing lotion on his hands until they're smooth and warm. He carefully adjusts Sirius's collar and slides his hands over the muscles there, adding only a little bit of pressure because Sirius prefers a gentler hand.

"You can ask the question." James murmurs, sliding his thumb over Sirius's trapezius, massaging the wince away as gently as he can. "No one's here but me, and I'll literally be so nice about it, I won't even laugh a little bit."

The older boy sighs and closes his eyes tightly, suddenly looking so much older than his years. The bruises under his eyes stand out sharply against pale skin and his forehead has new lines of worry etched into them. This is something big, something intense. James is patient, content with knowing that Sirius will open up when he's ready because that's what they do, they open up to each other. The first time they did, it was James.

He was toughing work out after Lily had tearfully asked for a divorce, confessing that she'd been thinking about cheating on him with a woman, and Sirius had caught on. He'd stopped them mid-massage and told James that if he needed to talk, Sirius would listen. So, he did. He talked about Lily, about being so terrified what this meant for Harry, for himself, and Sirius had listened intently before offering to buy a round of drinks after his shift.

That was the second start of the greatest friendship James has ever known.

"Do you remember my little brother?" Sirius's striking blue eyes are open now, and he's looking at James with a fire burning behind them. 

Ah. This makes sense, Sirius's family is always a touchy subject, he doesn't talk about them and so James doesn't ask. He does remember Regulus though, how could he not? He was two years behind them, but he stood out like a sore thumb with his constant scowl and dark clothes. He remembers Sirius starting more than a few fights over his little brother, to the point that hardly anyone dared to breathe a word about the younger Black brother for fear of Sirius's ringed fists meeting the line of their jaw.

Regulus grew up in France with their father for seven years longer than Sirius did, and he'd barely spoken a lick of English, so he was often a target for typical teenage abuse. If he remembers correctly, someone stole his lunch one day while Sirius was sick at home and the younger boy had fucked the bully up so violently that he was suspended for a month.

Later that week James had asked Sirius why he insisted on picking fights for Regulus if he could so clearly handle himself and Sirius had said, I'm not just protecting him- I'm protecting them fromhim.

"I remember." James shivers a little at the memory of Severus Snapes nose squished into tile floor, blood-stained teeth grinning as a pale hand experimented with just how much pressure he could exude before someone stepped in.

"He... It's a long story." Sirius warns, but James doesn't even have to reassure him before he's continuing. "Our parents made him join the army a few years back, and they passed away while he was overseas. He got- he was on the front lines, and he- fuck. He was rescuing a kid, and they threw a grenade at him anyways."

Panic stabs through James's gut faster than he can blink, his hands tensing against Sirius's shoulders. If he does the math properly, Regulus should only be twenty-three. Twenty-three and kind enough to try and rescue a kid on the enemy side- he shouldn't be dead. 

Effie used to say that James wasn't built for war, his heart is too big and his soul is too kind, she would say. His hands were meant to heal, not to break, and his heart clenches tightly every time he sees the news flash with pictures of too young faces that won't ever be seen again.

"James?" Sirius's eyebrows are drawn down before he gasps something small and sits up quickly, shaking his head violently. "No, no, James. He's fine- well- he's alive. He's living with me and Remus, is what I was trying to get to. Shit- I'm so sorry, I wasn't even thinking about how that sounded."

"It's fine." A deep breath of relief escapes his lungs before he can resister that they've loosened. "I'm- I just hate all the war stuff. The unnecessary cruelty always just... just sets me off, I'm sorry, Pads. I'm listening, I swear."

Sirius bites his lip and sends James a sad look but does lay back down to finish his massage just like the younger boy knew he would. Sirius Orion Black does not turn down a massage, ever.

It takes a few moments for Sirius to start talking again, presumably gathering his thoughts on what kind of context James needs to properly answer the question he so desperately needs to ask. James just waits again, knowing that if Sirius doesn't get it out now, he will later. Over a pint of beer and some dry breadsticks shaped like little brooms to fit the wizarding theme the Three Broomsticks has.

"He's-" Sirius starts, closes his mouth with a clack and starts over. "He got hurt, badly. Not one other person in that fucking family cared enough to offer him a home. He lost so much, James. So much and it's not- he's not handling it well. I just... I know Monty had PTSD and stuff, and I know- you said you used a lot of those tricks on Harry once and I guess I just- I'm drowning over here. He wakes up in the middle of the night screaming and I can't-"

The older boy chokes on his words and brings a hand up to wipe away his gathering tears with his thumb and forefinger. He'd always cared so much about his brother- every other thought was how is Reggie doing? Do you think Reggie ate enough today? Ugh, Reggie would think that was hilarious. He'd always cared more than James thought Regulus could ever reciprocate, then he'd seen the young boy knock two teeth out of Remus's mouth for hitting his brother after they broke up in junior year and James had understood.

Their love, that borderline possessive, bone deep love that they had for each other flowed both ways like water caught in a loop. Sirius could always feel his brother's pain like it was his own, and it makes sense to James that the other boy is willing to try anything to make it stop. 

"I'm... not really sure if it'll work on him." James says gently. "My dad had PTSD from a war he'd been out of for years by the time I came into the world. Regulus- he had to have just gotten to you guys in the past month. I'm not really sure what you think I can-"

"Can he meet Harry?" Sirius blurts and James goes very still. "I just- I think it would be really good for him. He loves kids- and the little girl he'd- she didn't make it. He's so messed up about it and I don't know anyone else with kids, but I really think he could- I think it would help him, to be around one."

"I don't- I don't know, Sirius." James's previous spike of panic comes back with a vengeance, he's seen what war does to people, how it can make them brash and violent in unexpected and unpredictable ways. Regulus Black was already violent before the war- already unpredictable, already someone who wouldn't be on his top ten list of people to call if he needed an impromptu babysitter. The thought of exposing Harry to that kind of environment makes James antsy, like he's already preparing for a fight that hasn't even happened yet. 

"I know it's- trust me, James." Sirius says earnestly, holding James's gaze fiercely. "I know it sounds bat shit fucking insane, but I wouldn't ask unless it was safe."

"That's-" James bites his lip and chooses his words carefully. "That's the problem, Pads, the fact you have to confirm to me that it's safe just- it makes me think it's not. I'm not saying you would lie to me. I know you really believe it's perfectly safe, and I'm- I'm sure Regulus is safe to you, but I can't put Harry through that kind of risk without knowing for sure. I'm sorry."

Sirius nods understandingly, though his face glows with disappointment. James finishes his massage in silence, trying not to feel guilty about putting his son's safety at the top of his priority list, he hadn't lied, he's sure that to Sirius, Regulus wouldn't ever be anything except for safe, but he's also not positive that if Harry made a wrong move or too loud of a sound that Regulus wouldn't blow up in his face.

James wipes his hands off on a white towel wile Sirius rubs at his tattooed shoulder with a thoughtful look on his face.

He knows Sirius just wants to help his brother, knows that every fear and insecurity falls away in the face of making sure Regulus is okay, but a part of James is resentful. Resentful that Sirius would even ask this of James, knowing his history. Monty was an amazing father, strong and kind, but when he was triggered by something he was a different man, a violent man. Sirius knows this and still asked James to be comfortable with sending his own son into the fray with a man who'd come back from the same thing his father had.

"What if you met him first?" Sirius asks, turning to James with pleading eyes. "I know- just, hear me out, okay? What if you met Reggie, properly met him over dinner, had a conversation with him, got to know him a little. Then you'd know- you'd know if he was safe for Harry and they could, like, meet at the park or something."

James's gut instinct is to turn Sirius down swiftly and politely. Tell him he's sorry but no way in hell is ever going to consider something like that, but then he remembers the times his father was kind, the times Regulus had stood up to men twice his size with shaking fingers to protect his older brother, the soft smile his mother would give him every time he expressed empathy over a veterans break downs. 

In the end, its Euphemia Potters voice whispering in his ear that he's got such a big heart, that he should use it that makes him nod hesitantly. The smile that lights up Sirius's face is an added bonus, because so rarely does the older boy grin like that anymore, soft and wide, shining much like the star he's named after as if he has it stored somewhere between those perfectly straight teeth.

"Thank you, James, you have no idea how much this means-"

"I have conditions." He interrupts quickly with a hand up to stop Sirius from continuing. The other boy nods intensely and focuses the full force of his bright eyes on James. "Number one: it's up to me if I deem him safe, and you have to respect my answer, no questions asked after dinner. Number two: if- and that's a really big if- if they do meet, it's going to be in a public area of Harry's choosing which will probably be the aquarium. Number three: Lily has to okay this too; I'm not Harry's only parent and she still deserves a say in who he meets."

Sirius nods through each condition, not even a glimpse of hesitation written on his sharp features. He looks so sure, and James understands that even though Sirius will respect every single one of those conditions, he also fully believes there won't be an issue. For that, James thinks that Sirius is insanely brave.

Loving someone who's mind has forever been altered by the horrors of war isn't an easy task, to love them with your own mind altered in the same way is Herculean. Sirius has always been brave, but braving this isn't something James can take lightly. He knows how hard it is, Sirius knows how hard it is and he does it anyways, despite the ugly things, despite the screaming and crying and thrashing, Sirius stays because that's who he is.

It's that faith in Sirius, that admiration of his bravery, that has James standing outside Sirius's apartment building with a bottle of red wine and a cluttered mind that Saturday night. It takes all of James's strength to knock on the door and even more to not bolt as soon as it opens to reveal piercing grey eyes that seem to stare straight through his flesh and bone to his soul.

Regulus looks almost the same as he did in high school, all sharp angles and stormy eyes, but some things have changed too. He's still short, the top of his head only reaching right under James's jaw, but he's filled out. He looks strong now, all lean muscle visible through his tight long-sleeved shirt, and his curly hair is longer, tied up into a short bun at the back of his head, with a few stray pieces framing his face in a way that almost makes him look softer.

The bags under his eyes are the first thing that concerns James, the shaky way his hand reaches up to adjust the necklace hanging between his collar bones is the second.

"Sirius." The smaller boy calls into the house, his voice is sharp but not mean, like wind chimes in a storm. He hasn't been able to shake the French accent, which for some reason, James is a little comforted by. "Your friend is here."

"Don't be a dick, Reg!" Sirius's gravelly voice calls from deeper into the apartment. "Come in, James."

Regulus rolls his eyes, but he steps back and gestures into the doorway with still shaking hands. He notes that Regulus looks comfortable, black sweatpants and dark green fuzzy socks that pair nicely with his soft looking shirt. The necklace isn't the only piece of jewelry he wears and James's eyes snag on the few rings Regulus's lithe fingers have dripping off of them- he looks comfortable but also... very put together. An elegant kind of comfortable.

James steps past Regulus and hears the door click softly behind him.

He isn't sure why he expected Sirius's apartment to look to exact same after hearing Regulus moved in, but he had. Before, there were only tacky movie posters and the bare minimum number of blankets on the couch without a single pillow. Remus had been complaining about as long as he'd lived there that something needed to change.

He supposes Regulus was that change because now the walls are covered in a mixture of elegantly framed pictures and paintings, multiple crochet blankets lay sprawled across the couch and the previously unused balcony has an easel with a half-painted portrait of a bird's nest set up on it. The place even smells different. Before it always smelled slightly of cigarettes, peppermint and ink from Sirius's tattoo gun but now it smells like James has just stepped onto the beach in California.

It's a good sign, he thinks, that Regulus has managed to help Sirius grow up a little bit. It's a bit beautiful too, seeing how much the two brothers are working towards helping each other be better, reminds James of high school.

"Get your fucking fingers out of my pan-" Sirius's voice snaps, the warning quickly followed by a tinkling giggle and James realizes Regulus had stepped around him to the kitchen without him even noticing. "You little shit. This is why we have the no Reggie in the kitchen rule, you know."

"Oh, shut up, Sirius." Remus scolds lightly, James rounds the corner just in time to see the scarred man wink and feed Regulus a spoon full of red sauce from where he's perched on the counter, closest to Sirius's pan of said red sauce. "He doesn't eat enough as it is, at least he likes this."

"Yeah, Sirius." Regulus sticks his tongue out at his older brother, nose wrinkled and it's so cute that James's heart clenches momentarily. "I don't eat enough as it is."

"That is definitely not something to brag about." Sirius grumbles, but it's the wrong thing to say because a wicked grin spreads across Regulus's face. Remus rolls his eyes and gently taps the spoon to Regulus's nose before stepping away, seemingly not about to interfere with whatever Regulus is about to say.

"It's not a brag, Sirius." The younger boy starts, waving his hand in the air lazily despite the way it shakes, James is starting to think it's some kind of side effect of his injury. "It's an argument, the winning end of it, because Remus is always right."

"This is true." James decides to chime in, trying his best to not shiver when grey eyes turn on him quickly. "Remus hasn't ever lost an argument- we didn't go to all those debate competitions for nothing."

"You." Sirius brandishes the wooden spoon he was using to stir at James as if it was anything but domestically adorable. "Are a fucking menace. All of you- I'm so done." 

"Are you saying I'm wrong, Padfoot?" Remus asks teasingly, but his hand lifts to rest at Sirius's waist and he grins at James over the older boys' shoulder while Sirius promptly melts into a puddle. "I hope you aren't."

"Not." Sirius clears his throat and steps closer to the pan of simmering sauce. "Definitely not."

Regulus rolls his eyes again; something makes James think he does that a lot. He sets the wine down on the counter closest to him and is surprised when Regulus's eyes catch on it, then light with excitement. The lithe boy slides off the counter with the grace of someone raised in aristocratic society and floats over to the bottle to hold it gingerly in his hands, his rings clinking against the glass a few times because of how they shake.

"You brought Chateau Rouget?" The French rolls off his tongue like it belongs there, of course it does, but James's dick doesn't know that.

"Do you like it?"

"It's one of my favorites." Regulus corrects gently, and James almost feels bad for what he's going to do later. He has to make sure Regulus isn't going to freak out at Harry for any reason, especially after Lily had declared quite strongly that if Sirius trusts the man, she does too. "Sirius, look."

Immediately, Sirius is there, leaning over Regulus's shoulder to glimpse at the label before he's turning the softest expression towards his little brother that for a moment James thinks he might kiss the boy. It's the same look he gives Remus before pressing a kiss to the golden band on the taller mans scarred knuckles, the same look he'd given James once before kissing him in a rush after the New Years Eve ball dropped.

He has to blink the thought away violently because ew. He cannot be having incestual thoughts about his- maybe- best friend and said best friends' little brother, not when he's standing in their kitchen with Sirius's fiancé standing right there.

He tucks those thoughts away to dissect later. 

"Thank you." Regulus says, looking at James. He isn't smiling, but James can feel the gratitude in whatever memory the bottle unearthed, so he smiles as kindly as he can and waves Regulus's thanks away to open a drawer in search of a corkscrew.

Regulus goes to hand the bottle to him when he pulls the spiraled tool out and James takes a deep breath. It's cruel, he knows it's cruel, he knows it's unkind and manipulative and he shouldn't be doing this especially after Regulus has just had some fond and clearly beautiful memories over this bottle of wine, but he can't go breaking anything he didn't pay for, and he has to be sure.

So, he purposely lets the bottle slip from his fingers just as Regulus is trusting James to grab it.

The bottle crashes to the ground with a loud bang, bounces, and shatters on the floor violently. Red liquid splashes across the tiles, dark colored glass goes flying and Regulus takes three steps back, crashing into Remus, who in turn crashes against the edge of the counter with a pained gasp. The younger boy moves to step away, but Remus catches him by the waist and gently rubs at his hip as panic flashes deep in storm-colored eyes, tension visible in his clenched fists.

"It's okay." Remus says gently as Sirius quickly tosses a kitchen rag over the mess and pulls the broom out from between the fridge and the wall. "It's just wine. It's a bottle of wine, Regulus. Just glass and alcohol."

To James's growing surprise Regulus blows out a deep breath and unclenches his hands, clenches them again, then jerks them firmly before stepping away from Remus. His socks are wet from the wine, but he kneels down on the floor to pick up the biggest shards with his still shaking hands before Remus is rushing to kneel next to him and quickly snatches the glass from him with a slightly panicked look.

"Don't touch it, darling." He says quickly, checking the younger boy's hands before shaking his head and picking up the other pieces himself, his strawberry blonde hair bouncing with each shake. "You could cut yourself."

"I can help." Regulus insists and guilt stabs itself deeply into James's gut. "It was my fault-"

"It wasn't." James debunks, kneeling down in front of Moony to help gather the glass. "I did it on purpose, I'm sorry."

"You did what?" Sirius hisses harshly, standing behind Remus with a white knuckled grip on the plastic handle of his broom. "Why the fuck would you do that, James?"

"Harry's loud." James explains, opening the cabinet beside him and pulling out their trash can to place the glass pieces in. "He breaks things and bangs on things, and I can watch Regulus be calm in his own comforting bubble all I want but I can't be sure he won't react violently unless it's something real. I'm sorry I scared you, I just-"

"You're a good father." Regulus interrupts, touching his shaking fingers to the back of James's hand. "It's okay, you don't have to defend yourself. Let's get this cleaned up before it stains."

For the second time that night James is surprised by Regulus's composure. The young man doesn't argue about James's manipulative tactics, he doesn't get loud and angry, he doesn't attack anyone, he just silently pulls wash rags out of the bottom drawer close to the fridge and begins to pat the area dry with sharp focus. Remus drags a bottle of off brand Clorox wipes down from the counter and waits for Sirius to sweep up the last of the glass before wiping away any chance of a stain.

James holds the trash for Sirius to tap the glass shards into and slides it back under the sink once it's done. The sauce pops on the stove and Regulus is the one who pops up, with the same grace that he does everything, he slides the pot off the hot burner and clicks the stove off before laying a gentle hand between Sirius's shoulder blades.

"Deep breaths." He says softly. "Please don't blow up."

"I won't." Sirius snaps angrily, seeming to catch himself when Regulus's hand retreats, reaching his own hand up to curl long fingers around a thin wrist gently and repeat his words softer. "I won't. I'm sorry."

Regulus shakes his head and smiles something small, tangling his own lithe fingers with his brothers, giving a soft squeeze before letting go and leaning down to help Remus stand. The older boys knee pops and he winces, James thinks they should schedule an appointment soon if he's struggling to get up and down from the floor.

He blinks and almost snorts at the realization that all three of the men living in this apartment are war veterans. Sirius and Remus were in the air force together before the shorter man was transferred to the front lines, and Remus's parachute had malfunctioned, causing him to fall straight into the blades of a burning fighter jet. All of them were discharged because of injury, yet all of them had somehow found a way to cope and heal together.

It's undeniably brave, James thinks, to not only live with your own mind after something so violent, but to also surround yourself with the minds of people who are struggling with the same things. There isn't a doubt in his mind that Regulus is a perfectly safe person to bring around his son. He's sure that the youngest Black brother will treat Harry with kindness and respect, that he's perfectly capable of staying in control of his own emotions.

James stands as well and holds his hands open in a non-threatening movement. "I have to apologize again-"

"James." Regulus says firmly, shaking his head. "It's fine, you were just being a good dad, don't ever apologize for that. Let's just eat, okay?"

"Reggie-" Sirius starts, conflict in his tone, but Regulus shoots him a sharp look and his mouth clicks shut. That he'd forgotten until now, how easy it is for Regulus to get the forever talking boy to shut up with nothing more than a look.

His jaw ticks but he nods and pulls down plates from the glass cabinets above the stove. James had expected back lash for his actions, he'd expected a reckoning from either Black boy that involved clenched fists and gnashing teeth. What he did not expect was for Remus to step close enough to his body for their chests to almost touch, hazel eyes burning with something that sets James's skin on fire.

"If you ever- ever- do anything like that again." Remus growls, the scar stretching from his temple to right under his eye crinkling with his scowl. "I will personally kick your ass so fucking hard, James, that they'll be scrubbing blood out of the sidewalk for months. Do you understand me?"

"Remus!" Regulus says, pained, but James's head is swimming with so many thoughts he can't pinpoint which one to give the proper attention to. Remus is hot when he's angry, James wants to lick him. He kind of wants Remus to smash his head against the curb, files that information away with the memory of Sirius gazing at his brother softly.

"Yep." He says instead, swallowing thickly. "Yes, I understand."

"Good." 

Regulus's hand is tangled in the sleeve of Remus's t-shirt, and he tugs on it insistently. It's kind of adorable, how hard he's working to make sure neither man blows up in James's much deserving face, it makes James wonder what the fuck kind of therapist he's seeing to have made this dramatic of a change from someone who would bite another man's throat clean out for looking at him wrong. It also makes him feel even more guilty for putting this man through something so triggering.

He wants to apologize again, but he's positive Regulus would just wave him off and say it's nothing. It's not nothing though, and guilt twists in James's stomach violently when he watches Regulus scold Remus for snapping at a guest.

"Do you uh-" James clears his throat and looks Regulus in the eyes. "Do you like fish, Regulus?"

"Um." The pretty boy tilts his head to the side with confusion etched across his features. "I suppose, I don't have enough information about them to form a strong opinion, but they've never personally wronged me."

"My son loves the aquarium." James decides to offer, they go twice a month because it's the only thing Harry ever asks to do that costs money, and he thinks it's a good place to start. "We're going tomorrow, maybe you'd like to join."

Regulus's eyes light up like lightning, his lips blooming into the prettiest smile James's eyes have ever been graced with. His eyes crinkle and his almost perfect teeth shine, his right front tooth is chipped slightly, and he has dimples. Regulus Black, the same man who won a medal on live TV for murdering almost 200 Iranian soldiers, has fucking dimples. That smile erases any idea James had been clinging to that he was straight.

He thinks if Regulus smiled at him like that before he died, it would be a beautiful way to go.

"I'd love to." He agrees giddily. "Is it alright if they come with me?"

The younger boy gestures to his brother and Moony, Sirius's eyes are wide with panic, but Remus looks like he really wouldn't mind either way- he's taken a few steps away and has a hand resting on Regulus's lower back. James is going to question that later. 

"If they want to." James shrugs. "They've never met Harry either."

"Please?" Regulus turns those big eyes on Sirius and the poor man crumbles immediately with a weak nod, James wishes he'd had Regulus's stellar persuasion skills around earlier. Remus moves his hand from Regulus's back and sets it on the top of his curly bun to keep his head from turning upwards.

"I'll come on the condition that we take frequent breaks, and that you eat something while we're out." Remus sends a very pointed look downwards and Regulus refuses to meet his gaze. "I don't want you to push yourself too hard."

"Okay." Regulus agrees hesitantly and to James immense surprise, Remus presses a fleeting kiss to the side of his head.

Remus isn't a very affectionate person, preferring to show he cares by acts of service like helping you move or driving you somewhere when your car is in the shop. James hasn't ever seen Remus show physical affection like that to someone who isn't Sirius, and it makes him look at the older Black, worried how he'll take it.

Sirius is just standing there with a soft smile on his face, leaning on the counter with one hand, the other placed on his hip in order to help keep his balance. James gets the idea that there is something more, something that he's missing or not putting together properly because Sirius Black invented jealously. There's no way he'd be able to watch Remus even touch someone else without some kind of look on his face.

James knows, he'd hugged his friend once after winning a rugby game, and Sirius had given him the cold shoulder for a week. He hasn't hugged Remus since.

They plate their own food right there in the kitchen, Regulus taking a considerably smaller portion than the other three men and Sirius sneaks an extra piece of bread onto his plate. Dinner is nice despite what James thought it would be. Sirius keeps James entertained with his constant loudness that the younger man throws right back because that's just who they are. Remus and Regulus talk quietly, though they don't shy away from the conversation.

It doesn't take a genius to understand why Moony is so concerned over Regulus's eating habits. He'd gotten maybe 1/3rd the amount everyone else did and only ate about half before sheepishly saying he was full and asked Sirius to throw the leftovers in the fridge. He doesn't seem to have any trouble with the wine though, and three glasses in he's giggling adorably over some academy story that Remus is sharing.

He gets surprisingly sweet when he's tipsy, complementing James twice and listening intently to every word that spills from each mouth around the table with such beautiful eyes that the older man is dazzled by him. The longer James spends around Regulus the quieter that concerned voice that whispers for him to protect his family gets, and the trust that James has in the three men around the table grows.

----

"Harry, slow down." Lily scolds lightly, attempting to juggle their son as James juggles the stroller, day bag and lion stuffed animal. "Mommy and daddy can't keep up."

The little boy wines frustratedly but does slow down incrementally. It takes what feels like forever for them to reach the entrance of the aquarium, ten minutes late and more disheveled than they'd expected to be. Regulus, Remus and Sirius are already there, Remus has a cigarette dangling from his fingers, flicking it as he listens to whatever Regulus is ranting about with the softest little smile. He's dressed in his normal clothes, ripped black jeans and a long-sleeved bad tee. The same black loafers he's worn since college are on his feet, though the laces look new.

Sirius is clearly the one Regulus is ranting about because he's speaking his own piece now, it can't be too intense because Regulus throws his head back to laugh at whatever his brother's just said. The only way to describe Sirius Black is hot, with his long hair trapped in a low bun with face framing curls carefully parted around his sharp features, tattoos on display because of his sleeveless tank top and black jean shorts that he pairs with high top converse.

Then there's Regulus. Regulus is stunning. That's the only word Jamess brain is capable of producing to describe what it feels like to look at Regulus Black when he's standing there in a loose cropped band t-shirt clearly belonging to Sirius and baggy blue jeans that accentuate the line of his hips and pale skin. He has one tattoo, some kind of constellation poking out of the waist band of said sinful jeans, it could be the Canis Major, but James thinks it's a bit strange he would put his brother's name's sake in such a sexual place, so it could be his own.

"You're drooling." Lily says cheerfully as she unfolds the stroller expertly. "Which one?"

"I don't even know, Lils." James shakes his head and turns to Harry before kneeling down and placing his hands on his sons' sides to make sure he's paying attention. "Are you ready to meet some new people, Haz?"

"Nervous." The little boy replies, chewing on the tail of his lion plushie, James has to very carefully pry it out of his mouth. 

"That's okay." He comforts softly. "If you don't like them, we don't have to see them again. Do you remember the rules?"

"No pushing." Harry says confidently, holding up one finger for each rule he lists off. "No screaming, and I have to ask before touching."

"Good boy." James grins, he knows Harry will break at least two of those rules today, but he'd tried to plant the idea of those being things that might make the other three men uncomfortable. "Gimme some love?"

He always forms it in a question, to make sure that Harry knows he doesn't have to if he doesn't want to. Sometimes people don't want to be touched, and children are people too; James does his best to parent from that perspective.

The little boy does lean forward and pecks his lips to James's cheek before pulling away and bouncing in his spiderman themed light up sneakers excitedly. Harry is a copy and paste of James when he was a kid, a ball of uncontainable energy, excited about everything and unburdened yet by the hardships of life. He's got the same brown fluffy curls and the same tanned skin, but his emerald eyes are all Lily Evans.

"Alright." Lily claps and James stands to take the stroller from his ex-wife with a light touch to her shoulder. "Let's go say hi, sweetie."

Harry holds his mother's hand as they walk up, Remus is the first to notice them, stamping out is cigarette and pocketing the pack before Harry can get close enough to be affected by the smoke. This makes James grateful, none of them smoke, so it isn't a risk he usually has to worry about, and he hadn't wanted to be the one to ask Remus to put the smoke away. 

Regulus turns around and James nearly faints. He has eyeliner smudged under his eyes and his nails are painted a bright blue to match the color of his brothers' eyes almost perfectly, each painted finger is adorned with an intricate silver ring and James is going to say something very inappropriate if he opens his mouth. It's a herculean effort to keep his jaw locked shut, but thankfully, he manages. 

The youngest black brother locks eyes with Lily first and offers her a smile threaded with joyful recognition before he's launching at her with a crushing hug that James's ex-wife reciprocates with tears in her eyes. 

"Lily!" Regulus squeezes her a little tighter and James notices Sirius's jaw tick twice. "I haven't seen you in so long. You look beautiful, mon cherie, and you've got such a beautiful son as well!"

"You do too." Lily whispers, squeezing her eyes shut for only a moment. James didn't know they were friends; he didn't even know that they'd ever spoken to each other, but seeing the youngest Black alive and well has seemed to heal something deep in Lily's soul.

He pulls away to wipe a stray tear off of Lily's cheek before bending at the waist to smile at Harry and offer him a shaky hand, a thin silvery scar runs from his elbow to the tip of his pinky finger. Luckily, James and Lily have raised Harry right, so the little boy doesn't even do a double take at Regulus's shaking hand before putting his tiny hand in it.

"My name is Regulus." He introduces himself and shakes Harry's hand politely. "But that might be a bit hard to pronounce, so you can call me Reggie if you'd like."

"I'm Harry." The little boy bites his lip in hesitation before shuffling closer to Regulus. "Do you like fish?"

"Well, I don't know anything about fish." Regulus says with a tilt of his head, his roommates approaching slowly behind him. "I'm hoping you can teach me about them so that I can decide."

You'd think Regulus had just told Harry it was Christmas morning with how intensely his whole face lights up and he begins vibrating on the spot. Harry's always been fascinated with anything and everything that swims in the sea, whether it's sharks, fish, jelly's, turtles, or even types of coral, if it lives in the ocean, he wants to know about it. By pure association, James has learned more about sea creatures than he'd ever thought he'd know, and Harry has run out of people to show the aquarium to.

Remus and Sirius introduce themselves as well, but Harry rushes through them like they mean nothing to him in favor of grabbing Regulus's hand in both of his and attempting to drag him through the doors. Lily makes him wait until they've all paid for their tickets- James insists on paying for the three men to make up for his incident the night before, and Remus convinces Regulus to accept the apology.

As soon as they're through the front gates, Harry pulls his new best friend from exhibit to exhibit, pointing out each fish and drinking up the way that Regulus listens intensely to his every word.

"I didn't know you two knew each other." Remus says to Lily once they're out of ear shot from the two youngest boys. "I didn't know Regulus talked to anyone other than us in high school."

"Oh, well." Lily shrugs. "I was in French club, you know. I was the only one close enough to fluent to have any kind of productive conversation with him and I- I guess it had an impact that I tried at all because Reg beat the ever-loving shit out of Severus when he wouldn't leave me alone. We were kind of... he would walk me through the halls like a bodyguard and insult my accent. We lost contact after I graduated, and I've always regretted not-"

She swallows thickly and wipes her eye with the inside of her wrist. James feels his heart twist painfully, they might not be romantically involved anymore but he still loves her, still hates to see her cry.

"I'm glad he's doing well." Lily decides strongly with a fierce nod. "We weren't really friends back then, but we could have been, and we will be now."

"Fuck yeah, Evans." Sirius says with a sharp grin and a pat on her back. "That little shit needs more friends."

Remus rolls his eyes and slides his arm around Sirius's waist to rest possessively on his hip bone; for all that James had recalled Sirius's jealous streak, he'd forgotten about Moony's. Though he supposes Moony isn't really jealous, he just believes very strongly in the people he claims being his and isn't afraid to make sure everyone knows it. Sirius has always been one, and James is starting to get the hint that Regulus is now too.

A part of James whispers that he wishes he was someone Moony wanted to claim, but he shoves it down deep because absolutely not.

The first half of being at the aquarium is really fun; Harry and Regulus get along so fabulously that James gives himself a little pat on the back for being such a good father. Lily and the boys all catch up on current events- politically and socially- and they flit from room to room with almost constant laughter. They learn that Remus got handed down his families' mechanic shop, and Lily swears to bring her car down to be looked at soon because her check engine light is on.

Sirius complains about a new hire at the tattoo parlor that likes to piss him off for no reason other than he can. They all agree that Barty Crouch needs to chill out or he's going to get his ass handed to him, which makes Sirius's chest puff with pride.

Remus agrees to come see James about his knee, telling him that the pain has grown a bit unexpectedly and it's making it difficult to do anything at all. Sirius winks at him and tells him that all he has to do is lay back and enjoy the 'ride' to which Lily snorts and James rolls his eyes, putting Remus on the schedule for only a few days out.

Harry comes bounding back to the group with Regulus's hand in his to declare that he's starving and needs to potty. Lily handles the potty situation and James rolls the stroller with the three men bickering over what is considering a substantial enough meal for them to consider Regulus has eaten on their way to the food court. They eventually land on it being fine that he orders a salad as long as it has chicken or salmon on it, and James kicks the stroller brakes into place in front of the table.

The second half is slower; Harry had woken up early to demand blueberry waffles before their outing and James couldn't say no to that. He'd begged Regulus to carry him the rest of the way through the aquarium and he obliges happily, holding the little boy on his hip expertly in a way that makes James almost positive Regulus has been in a parental role at some point in his life. The look he shares with Lily confirms she thinks so too.

They make it through every single exhibit, and at the end, Regulus tells Harry that he loves fish and can't wait to go back and see everything all over again. The ride home is filled with 'Reggie this' and 'Reggie that' and 'can Reggie come over tomorrow?' it makes James smile, makes him feel like he's done something truly good in the world.