Remus Lupin and dread
Remus
Revenge isn’t fulfilling- that’s what Remus learned. He’d expected
to feel much better by now. Maybe he’d have wormed a dirty secret out of Sirius’ mind that he could use to embarrass him.
Revenge isn’t sweet. It gave Remus a sour feeling like he’d had the worst day of his life. He had his fair share of scars but they were all beyond anyone’s control. Watching Sirius suffer at the hands of someone who should’ve nurtured him was so very sour.
Revenge wasn’t a substitute for forgiveness. Was Remus still absolutely furious at Sirius? Yes, he definitely was. But hurting him back wasn’t right. Letting his anger take control made Remus feel worse. Like he was so out of touch that he’d believed hurting his best friend would quench his thirst for that wholeness he’d felt when Sirius was at his side.
Maybe someday he’d feel it again. After he’d forgiven Sirius and Sirius had forgiven him. Well, he’d already confessed- no point in trying to deny his feelings.
So Remus decided that when the time came, he’d forgive Sirius Black.
That is if Sirius ever forgave Remus for what he’d done.
.
.
.
Whatever memory Remus was watching, he already hated it. Sirius was older than the last one; he’d grown taller and had grown out his hair to right above his shoulders. Remus thinks it’s third year, but he doesn’t know when.
The four marauders were on the train again. Remus had begun associating the Hogwarts Express with Sirius’ memories. They seemed to start or finish most of them.
Remus felt himself squirm when he saw his younger self. Still really tall- though he’d never grown out of that, with a freckled face and messy curls. Pete, James, and Remus had begun to develop zits, as well.
Thankfully, Remus’ weren’t totally awful. James’ weren’t bad either, Peter’s were a different story.
He’d tried every acne patch and face wash yet he still rocked the pepperoni pizza.
Sirius, not so surprisingly, had never had a zit in his life. Remus didn’t know if it was simply the Black genes or if Sirius’ twenty-step skincare routine had worked.
“Excited to go home, Moony?” James asked- Remus knew that this was third year’s Christmas, as the boys had begun calling him ‘Moony’ right about that time.
They had confronted him about being a werewolf, which he’d tried to deny at first, but couldn’t once they’d pressed him too hard. Sirius had known since first year but kept quiet till James and Peter figured it out.
Sirius said that when James and Peter brought the idea to him, he’d simply laughed and said “Took you long enough!”
After they’d figured out about his condition, the Marauders had been nothing but help. Remus almost felt like he was with his mother again- constant coddling and attention. He hated it.
Well, mostly.
He was quite smug about getting to see the worried, considerate side of Sirius. Remus remembered bragging to James about how sweet Sirius was with him during his time of the month.
“Oh whatever, Remus!” James huffed with an eye roll.
“Doesn’t sound like whatever, James. I think you’re jealous!”
“Of what!?”
“Your best friend kissing my arse instead of yours.”
“Obviously’m jealous! He’s my best friend- not yours. You even got a nickname before me.” James was red in the face and he spoke in a show of dramatics. Remus chortled with laughter at James’ immaturity.
Peter and Sirius walked through the entrance to meet the other boys in the common room. James’ face lit up at the sight of his best friend.
“Sirius there you are-“
“Moony!”
James' face fell into a pout as Sirius ran to greet Remus with his cheeky grin. Remus snorted so hard that he had to take a seat, earning confused looks from Peter and Sirius.
“What’re you lads up to?” Peter asked when the laughing died down.
“Nothing! Sirius, how were lessons today?” James shifted the subject with ease.
“Alright,” Sirius replied lazily, taking a seat next to Remus on the common room couch.
“Moony, how are you? Can I get you anything?” Sirius asked, looking Remus up and down. He was a bit like a dog, Remus thought.
“I’m fine, don’t worry.”
Remus would never admit it, but he absolutely loved the attention. Sirius was usually so high energy and carefree; the gentle nature Remus brought out in him was refreshing.
“Oi Sirius, Come to the quidditch pitch with me?” James was desperate for even an ounce of attention. Remus, who wasn’t keen on letting James steal his, frowned.
“I was gonna listen to that new record Petey bought upstairs, but it’ll be so boring alone.”
James shot Remus an offended look and mouthed something vulgar.
“I’ll listen with you, Moony! Sorry James- ask Mckinnon, she’s on the team with you, right?”
James groaned and nodded. Remus grinned smugly, soaking in his victory. Peter snorted, unimpressed with the bit.
“Fine! Have fun cheating on me with your new best friend!” James grumbled and stormed out of the common room. Sirius made a confused face and looked at Remus.
“What’s up his arse?”
“Jealousy issues.”
From that day forward, Remus was avid on keeping Sirius at his side before full moons. He loved it. He loved Sirius.
He still loved Sirius, no matter how hard that fucker had made it.
Little Remus spoke and normal Remus’ attention snapped back to the memory.
“Yeah, been missing my Mam lately.”
That was true even now. Remus loved his mother a lot. They spoke sparingly, both of them were unnaturally quiet around each other, but that was their dynamic.
“Feel that- you guys have got to meet my Mum soon.” James looked between Sirius and Remus, who sat side by side on the train.
“My Da won’t let me. Says I’m pushing my luck by even attending Hogwarts.” Little Remus responded. They’d had this conversation nearly a hundred times. James said his mother had been asking to meet some of his school friends since they hadn’t visited over the summer at all.
“I bet you could get your mum to convince him, Moons! How ‘bout you, Sirius?”
“I dunno why you bother asking, James. Good ole Walburga’d have my head on a platter if even asked.”
All four boys snickered at the joke, but Remus didn’t find it funny anymore.
Sirius was being serious- well, he’s always Sirius, I meant genuinely serious- awe, fuck this.
“Someday, mate. The four of us’ll spend the summer at mine!” James was so adorably hopeful. Ever the optimist, that one.
They played along, chatting about silly plans and how they’d go into town and get muggle clothes and pull pranks on the McKinnons.
James, Peter, and Marlene had grown up in the same neighborhood. The McKinnons were the most Quidditch-orientated wizard family you’d ever meet, James had once told the boys. When Peter and James had first met Marlene, she and her older brother had been out on their brooms. Marlene was six.
From that moment forward, the three of them had been inseparable. James and Marlene fangirled over quidditch while Pete kept score over the mini-matches they’d host for the neighborhood kids.
Remus wished he had friends at home like that. Living in a small town in Ireland with a population of five hundred didn’t help much.
“Sure, mate,” Remus responded simply, not wanting to get James’ hopes up for nothing. Sure, Remus wanted to stay with James- quite a bit, actually, but he was also afraid that if it were just the two of them plus the occasional Peter staying in the same house for weeks on end, he thinks he’d be at his wit's end.
It’d be different than at Hogwarts, where they had Sirius to entertain James and spend those calming vulnerable moments with Remus that kept him sane.
Merlin, my whole world revolves around that stupid twat.
“Any vacation plans this year, Moony?” Peter asked, changing the subject. Pete was always good at that, he’d never press any of the boys on something they didn't want to talk about.
“Nah, we don’t travel much. You?” Remus responded. It was true, the Lupins hadn’t been on a vacation since Remus was four.
“Me and James are visiting the sea.”
“A bit cold for the sea, innit?”
“Effie wanted to visit some relatives that live up there.”
James’ eyes lit up as Peter began to talk about his family. “My Nani moved up there last month! Said Kolkata was too full of young people. What about you, Sirius?”
“I’ll be in London, as always.” He replied dully. Remus watched himself frown. The mood had always gone stiff when the Black family was brought up.
James looked ready to ask more questions but Peter, the savior he was, cut him off,
“Ever been to the sea, Black?”
The question lingered for a moment, and Sirius looked conflicted. A rush of terror bled through his face, bandaged weakly by a mask of indifference.
“Once, when I was seven and Reggie was six.”
Oh.
“Nice, isn’t it?”
Sirius smiled weekly and nodded. His eyes were pained- Remus could tell then and now.
“What area, Sirius?” James asked, though Remus knew his true intentions were to get Sirius to open up more.
“Blackpool.” One-word answers- a clear sign of shut-the-fuck-up in Sirius Black code.
“Never been ‘round there, was it good fun?”
“Sure.”
“Care to elaborate?”
“Nope.”
“You sure?”
“Very.”
“I think you should!”
“Sucks.”
James huffed in annoyance. There was nothing unkind about his behavior, it was very clear that he was simply worried about his best friend. Not ever wanting to admit defeat, James continued the back and forth.
“C’monnn, we talk about our home lives all the time- you should too!”
Sirius, growing increasingly annoyed, replied,
“You know enough, Potter.”
“Hardly! Ya only ever spill about the bad.”
“I don’t see why that matters.” Sirius is talking in a low tone, voice tight with frustration.
“I wanna know the good!”
“Don’t you fucking get it? There is no good!”
Sirius got up and slammed the glass doors behind him. James looked horrified, Peter looked confused, and little Remus glared at James.
James and Sirius were very similar, Remus knew for a fact. In the rare moments that they fought, they fought hard. James had pushed too far. That was his fatal flaw- thinking he could fix everyone.
“Bloody hell.” James moaned, leaning his head against the train’s window.
“Yeah, nice going ya twat!” Little Remus glowered. Maybe it was how close the full moon was, but little Remus was pissed. Sirius was James’ best friend- everybody knew that, but he was also Remus’.
Sirius stormed off to go find an open compartment to sulk in. Sirius always did that when he was upset. Shutting down was second nature.
Once he’d settled for a secluded cart the tears began. Remus hated it. He hated watching Sirius cry- though he’d only seen it in person once.
Well multiple times now, if you’d count the memories.
These tears fell quickly- Sirius’ breath hitched. He crumbled into a ball and started shaking, mumbling in French under his breath. Sirius tried to calm himself down but failed dismally.
“Merde. Putain de merde-“
Remus knew those were French swears, as Sirius and James thought it wise to teach the entirety of Gryffindor profanity’s so that they could terrorize the professors.
Remus was no stranger to panic attacks. When he was younger he’d have them often- memories of Hope holding him while he’d sob uncontrollably weren’t uncommon. He’d gotten way better at Hogwarts, only having them every so often. Sirius was always there to hold him like his mother once had.
Remus wished so deeply that he could do the same. He wished that he could go tell his younger self to hug that boy, to whisper comforts into his ear, to hold him extra tight- Merlin knew he needed it.
Once Sirius calmed himself down, he shifted to get up. But before he could, little Remus opened the compartment door.
“There you are, dramatic prat!”
Sirius’ eyes were red from the crying, and his hair and robes were disheveled as well.
“Whatever, Moony!” He snapped with a sour face. Little Remus curled his lip slightly and took a seat right next to Sirius.
“This is like the second time you’ve done this, Black,” Little Remus had a go at trying to get him to laugh, but Sirius began to shake instead.
“Hey, hey- It’s okay, you had a good reason this time, James was being a twat.”
“No, he wasn’t!”
“Okay, he wasn’t, then. Whatever you say.”
Little Remus put a comforting hand on Sirius’ back. The shaking stopped after a moment.
“Talk. Please.” The whisper was so faint Remus almost didn’t hear it. He took a moment to think before beginning to chatter,
“Did you know that I’m half Welsh?”
Sirius shook his head, mouth opened in an o.
“It’s true, my Mam’s Welsh and my Da’s Irish. You already know I live in Ireland, though.”
Sirius nodded, a phantom of a smile forming. Remus took that as a win.
“You’re French, I think that’s interesting. I quite like your accent if I’m being honest, even when it fades.”
There’s no way you said that. You might as well have proposed, bloody idiot.
Sirius smiled, some color returning to his face. Remus knew his stomach had done the thing- it always did when that boy smiled.
“I’d like to hear it if that’s okay with you.”
Sirius’ cheeks went red at the suggestion. “I can’t force it, Moony, it usually happens after I’ve been speaking in French.”
“Then speak in French.”
Sirius’ face was a lovely shade of red by then.
“La beauté du temps est qu’il se fond dans le néant mais donne l’impression d’être quelque chose. Choisir ce qui va suivre est une tâche ardue que seul le temps devrait accomplir. L'avenir est terrible, La nostalgie est froide Maintenant, il est jeune Pourtant il sera bientôt vieux.”
Little Remus was entranced. Hearing Sirius speak so softly was rare, especially in French. Typically the language only slipped out when he was angry,
Remus soaked in the moment, knowing firsthand it wouldn’t last forever.
“What’d you say?”
Sirius looked embarrassed for a moment before admitting,
“My favorite poem.”
Little Remus asked who it was by but Sirius, for some reason, wouldn’t say.
“I know you didn’t want to talk about it earlier, but I want you to tell me about the sea.”
Sirius hesitated. He seemed to be making a hard decision- Remus imagined his internal monologue, ‘Do I tell Moony because he’s my favorite person in the universe or do I not tell Moony because I secretly hate him?’ Remus felt a bit dumb.
“We weren’t supposed to go. My family was visiting some potential suitors for Andromeda, who wasn’t interested at all, so we snuck away. Andromeda took me, Reggie, and her sisters to the seaside for a few hours, we had loads of fun! Reg hated it ‘course- he never learned to swim, but I had a great time.”
Sirius didn’t look to Remus for any kind of response, he just stared at the snowy landscape the train sped past.
“Why didn’t you want to talk about it with James?”
“He wants to find the good in my family.”
“What’s so wrong with that?”
“Nothing, but it hurts to hear. Especially after everything I’ve told him.”
Little Remus didn’t respond. He’d understood too well what Sirius meant. He’d felt just the same way a few weeks ago when the marauders had confronted him about his lycanthropy. Remus had tried to convince them that the wolf was dangerous and that trying to become animagi was idiotic, especially after they’d learned where he’d really gotten his scars. Alas, they completely dismissed him.
“It’s not that I’m angry at James, I just really don’t want to think about home right now. Not yet.” Sirius continued woefully.
Little Remus met his eyes and smiled softly. It was a small gesture that seemed to bring big feelings to Sirius, who leaned in and hugged little Remus.
They didn’t say anything else. They didn’t need to. Words weren’t enough to describe the relationship between the two of them.
Remus liked to joke that they just got each other.
Sirius was his person. His best friend. The love of his life, probably.
Mere seconds after they’d broken apart, the train slowed to a stop. Sirius’ face turned dismal as they stood up.
“Think I could just slip out without saying anything to James?”
“Sirius, no. He’s your best mate.”
“Please Moony?” Sirius asked with his best puppy eyes. He made it very, very difficult to say no, but Remus knew better.
“Think I see him over there!” Little Remus pointed behind Sirius, who immediately turned around. While he was distracted, little Remus grabbed his arm and tugged him along.
“You evil cockroach, you!” Sirius spat with ferocity, though he didn’t struggle against Remus’ hold.
“You’ll thank me later.”
Sirius flipped him the bird in response.
James and Peter had been waiting for them on the platform as Remus had suspected. Sirius made eye contact with James, glaring coldly.
“Sirius, I’m sorry. I know you don’t like talking about your family and I shouldn’t have pushed.” James apologized genuinely. His kind brown eyes directly opposed Sirius’ sharp grey ones.
Little Remus gave Sirius an encouraging tap on the shoulder as if he were a child.
“It’s alright, James. Suppose I overreacted a bit.” Sirius answered with a soft smile. James returned the look with pleasure.
The two of them embraced while little Remus watched fondly. Watching his friends be friends made his day.
“Uh, Sirius- is that your Mum over there?” Peter asked, pointing to a pale woman with a disgusted expression.
Definitely Walburga.
Sirius paled and nodded quickly. “I’ll be off, lads. Have good holidays!”
The three other boys shared concerned looks as Sirius darted off. Remus wished he could go back in time and force Sirius to stay at the school or go to the Potters or anywhere but home.
Regulus was already standing with his parents, speaking quietly with Orion.
“‘Ello, Mum, Pops! How’s ya been, yah ole chaps?” Sirius asked with a very fake but very cheeky grin.
“Hush, boy,” Walburga said, snatching her son’s wrist. Remus remembered watching from afar with worry.
Walburga’s hair was in a tight bun that highlighted her defined cheekbones and large eyes. Sirius used to call her a bug woman- small body, huge eyes. Remus asked what that made him, as he did look quite a bit like his mother; he’d inherited her narrow face and raven hair, though his eyes were sleepier like Orion’s.
Peter called him bedroom boy, claiming that nobody should have that much power over girls. Remus found it disgusting that Peter would even bring something like that up they were only fourteen and it wasn’t like Sirius had dated anyone.
The Blacks apperated home and Walburga’s scolding of Sirius was surprisingly quick. She’d patronized him for hanging out with the wrong sort, adding a kick to the back of his legs and another to his side.
“In a good mood today, are we?” Sirius said through gritted teeth when he’d picked himself up. Walburga glared but didn’t harm him again.
“I suggest that you stop talking, Sirius. I’m busy setting up for the holidays as we will be hosting more guests than ever.”
“Who?”
“Don’t ask questions.”
Sirius sighed and walked up the stairs, no more bite left. He stopped in front of a door that wasn’t his own and called out,
“Reggieee?”
When nobody answered he opened the door. A room exactly like his own but much more organized was inside.
Regulus stared at him from where he was unpacking. “What do you want?”
“Just thought to check up on you, hoped we could talk,” Sirius said genuinely. Regulus rolled his eyes and shifted towards Sirius.
“Say what you have to say.” Regulus’ voice was sharp.
“How’s your second year? Crouch and Rosier treating you well enough?”
Regulus rolled his eyes and maneuvered for Sirius to leave the room.
“If that’s all you want to talk about, get out.”
“I miss you.”
“Sounds like a you problem.”
Sirius frowned at the insult. Remus imagined him saying something unkind or sass his brother, but Sirius kept his composure,
“Yeah, well I think it’s a pretty important me problem and I’m trying to fix it.”
Regulus scoffed loudly and snapped, “Oh please, you’re only up here because Mother didn’t beat your ass for once and you feel on top of the world.”
“Certainly didn’t say that, did I?”
Remus was extremely impressed at Sirius’ control. At school, if someone had talked to him that way they’d be on the floor immediately.
“You didn’t have to! I’m not an idiot- I know you’re only talking to me because you have some stupid savior complex, but guess what,”
Regulus squared up to Sirius, who was backed out into the hallway.
“I don’t want you!”
The door slammed and Sirius Black was alone. Taking a hard swallow, Sirius moved to go to his room.
Once the door shut and he was alone, the tears began.
.
.
.
The next memory was pretty far off. Remus kind of wished he could’ve seen more of the last memory, it ended in an awkward moment.
Had Walburga left more scars across Sirius’ chest? Had he Regulus pushed further?
Remus knew it was invasive to want to see more. He knew he shouldn’t be in this situation in the first place. Sirius had practically begged him not to.
Remus wasn’t a revenge-crazy person- never had been! Sure, he’d been hurt, but everyone had been at least once.
“Can’t believe it’s already Christmas break, Moony!” Sirius chirped. The two of them were alone in the common room, sitting on Remus’ bed.
Remus knew this must’ve been fifth year as Sirius looked practically unreal. Around that time, Sirius and Mary had gotten really close. It seemed like overnight they’d become best friends. Remus was immensely jealous.
He knew that something had happened on the night of Sirius’ sixteenth birthday; though neither of them would tell Remus what, exactly.
Mary had always been very talented in all things hair and makeup- though Sirius was bare-faced at the time, he’d often been seen rocking a smudge of eyeliner like some rockstar. She had cut his hair into layers that framed his face so well that Remus had some alone time in the bathroom when he’d first seen it. Sirius had gone from beautiful to breathtaking in one night.
“Yeah, wish we were staying again.” Past Remus replied.
Oh!
Remus felt idiotic. Last Christmas, the Blacks had their sons stay a school so that they could go to some meetings across the country. Sirius had said it had something to do with the war, which the Blacks were notoriously on the wrong side of.
Remus had decided to stay at the school with him. He knew his father would be less than pleased, but being there for Sirius was more important than his dad’s petty beliefs. Lyall hated the Black family, so when Remus revealed that he was best friends with the heir, there had been a huge fight.
Remus still wasn’t sure that he’d forgiven his father for the horrible things he’d said about the boy he didn’t even know.
“Feel that. Homes gonna be extra dreadful with all the dark lord shite going on.” Sirius groaned, causing past Remus to scrunch his eyebrows with worry.
“Have you ever thought about running away? I’m sure James’ family would love for you to stay with them.” Little Remus said, James had been hinting at it ever since Sirius revealed that his parents had joined the death eaters.
“And leave Reg? Hah. No way.” Sirius replied coolly.
Past Remus sighed uncomfortably. The other three marauders had been dancing around the subject for Sirius’ sake, letting him believe his idea that Regulus wouldn’t ever join the dark lord.
“Sure, but if he were to join the death eaters-“
“I don’t get why they’re called death eaters. Calling a group of dark wizards who murder ‘Life eaters’ makes more sense- cuz they’re eating people’s lives away.”
Past Remus frowned at first, not understanding what Sirius was getting at.
“That’s nice, Padfoot.”
Sirius rolled his eyes and grinned, fueling Remus’ confusion. He’d understood Sirius better than most, but when he had these moments it was like was in his own world.
“I’ll miss you. I wish James had another mirror.” Sirius spoke softly, tilting his head towards past Remus- who was blushing a very deep, very noticeable shade of red.
“Bet I’ll miss you more. Home life’s boring without my Padfoot’s entertainment.”
How could you be so obvious?
Remus was shocked that Sirius hadn’t figured out about his crush sooner, he was shit at hiding it.
Sirius just laughed and continued to stare at past Remus.
“We- we, uh, we’ve gotta go soon. Prongs and Wormy are waiting for us.” He stuttered out, completely star-stuck.
Sirius frowned at the idea. They’d just finished cleaning out the room for dorm check.
“Right. Let’s go, then.”
The mood shifted to an uncomfortable intensity. Sirius was fidgeting as they walked out of the common room. Past Remus hadn’t paid much attention to the fidgeting, he hadn’t had much reason to. Current Remus wondered if Sirius had some sort of trauma disorder from all of the shit his parents put him through.
Once they’d spotted James and Pete, Sirius put on a brave face and went along with his usual unbothered disposition.
“Hey lads, how was cleaning? Wormy was worried Remus would be doing all the work.” James snickered at the end, receiving a pouty look from Sirius.
“Sirius helped when he wasn’t distracted by the magazines we found under Pete’s bed. Yeah, you’re not slick, mate.” Past Remus felt like defending Sirius’ honor that day. He’d normally enjoyed all the teasing, but returning days were always rough.
Peter’s face turned bright red as the other two laughed.
“Wormy you dog!” James snorted, punching his arm lightly. The laughing continued until the girls appeared.
“If you boys are done making sex jokes, I’d like help with my luggage.” Mary scoffed good-naturedly. James jumped at the opportunity to be chivalrous, taking both of Mary’s suitcases in one arm.
Marlene, who was carrying her and Lily’s, flipped him off when he tried to lighten her load.
Now that she had a free hand, Mary grabbed Sirius’. Remus watched his past self seethe with jealousy. He needed to work on that- being jealous and all, especially now that he had some context.
“You okay?” She whispered tenderly in Sirius’ ear. Sirius shuddered at the contact and shook his head.
“I’m scared, Mar.”
Mary frowned sympathetically, tightening her grip on Sirius’ hand.
“I know. I'm here, love.”
“I love you.”
Mary smiled softly and kissed his cheek. By this point, past Remus was livid with jealousy.
“Thought you guys said you weren’t dating.” He scoffed in an immature tone, crossing his arms like a child. Mary rolled her eyes with a sly smile and mouthed he was jealous. Sirius shook his head and flushed.
Oh Merlin, was it that obvious?
Once they’d all boarded the train in an empty compartment, James whipped out a deck of cards.
Lily made a snarky comment about how Uno was for kids and that they should be playing something like poker, pulling out her own deck of cards.
“Pokers for pussies!” Marlene shouted,
making James snort-laugh.
Sirius was in between past Remus, who was by the window, and Mary.
They decided on Uno because let’s be honest none of them were intelligent enough to play a good enough game against Lily Evans, prefect and top student of their year.
Sirius’ cards were shit. He had started with all blue cards and nobody had changed the color, meaning he’d drawn about eight before someone had taken notice.
“Fuckin hell, Black.” Marlene teased, pointing to his growing collection of cards. Sirius flipped her off with a poker face, coddling the deck into his chest.
As the game continued, Sirius’ luck worsened. The lot of them had made it a bit to target him. James and Peter had hit him with a plus-four that multiplied into a plus eight and Marlene had used every reverse card in the deck. Sirius’ irritation grew even as he went along with it.
Remus had started feeling extremely guilty, knowing Sirius could use some encouragement and peace rather than this unintentional bullying.
“Okay, I give up!” Sirius snapped after yet another plus-four, this one from past Remus.
“Awe, poor ole Black not used to losing?” Marlene teased innocently. Remus wouldn’t blame her for something she hadn’t meant, but that didn’t make it easier to watch.
“Don’t, Marls.” Mary cautioned with a warning look. Remus remembered becoming increasingly uncomfortable.
“It’s just a game! No need to get all worked up, Mary.” Marlene tried to clear the obvious tension with a laugh, but Mary wasn’t having it.
“Stop it!”
“Sorry I insulted your bloody boyfriend, Mary,” Marlene replied sarcastically.
“She’s not my girlfriend, you arse!” Sirius snarled.
The ensemble of people watching shared a concerned look as the three of them glared daggers at each other.
“Wanna teach us poker now, Lils?” When past Remus spoke, three pairs of fiery eyes met his. It was unnerving, to say the least. But he was glad that he’d shut the beef down before more could be said.
“Oh! Uh- sounds good.” Lily laughed nervously and began to explain the basics. Nobody was listening, all too hyper-focused on making sure Sirius and Mary didn’t jump Marlene or vice versa.
Mary had her hand intertwined with Sirius’ again, rubbing comforting circles into his pale skin.
Merlin, I wish that was me.
The train ride sped up until the squad of Gryffindors were exiting the train onto the platform.
Sirius was fidgeting again, picking on the inside of his hand and bouncing one leg in place.
“Sorry ‘bout the train, Black. Have a good Christmas.” Marlene offered a kind smile before turning to say goodbyes to everyone else.
“You’ll be okay, I know it,” James said, pulling Sirius into his embrace. James and his sweet, sweet optimism.
“Mm.” Sirius buried his face into James’ robes. James held him as long as he needed, only releasing when Sirius was ready.
He said a quick farewell to Peter and Lily before turning to Mary.
Their eyes met for a few precious moments before they hugged tighter than Remus thought possible.
“I love you so much,” Mary murmured in his ear. There was nothing but caring in her voice- no hints of romance or lust. Just love.
Sirius nodded at her with a fake smile before she slowly made her way towards her family.
Then it was just Sirius and past Remus.
“Hey, Padfoot.”
“Hey, Moony.”
Past Remus smiled softly at his best friend, wanting to offer as much comfort as possible. Sirius mirrored his look unconvincingly.
“I- uh, I made something for you. It’s not very good, but-“
Past Remus took a woodcarving that read; Ma plus belle étoile.
“My most beautiful star?” Sirius’ face lit up as he translated. Remus remembered spending hours trying to translate the phrase.
Was the flirting obvious? Yes. Were the both of them also too desperate for any kind of attention from one another? Also yes.
Stars surrounded the writing on the little oval wood piece. Sirius flipped it on its back, seeing that Remus had signed it ‘Moony’ in swirly handwriting.
“Thank you so much, Moony,” Sirius whispered, cheeks red. Past Remus was smiling sadly. He’d been afraid for Sirius.
“‘Course, anything,” Remus whispered back, hooking a hand around Sirius’ back and pulling him in. They hugged as if they’d never see each other again- which was a very real possibility.
Remus had become hyper-aware of the fact that Sirius’ family were death eaters.
Sirius had listened in on parts of the sacred twenty eight’s meetings over the summer, overhearing plans that involved their own children- some not even school-age.
“I made it in the hospital wing, before the last full. Thought you could take it as a reminder that you have a place at Hogwarts and with James and with me.”
Sirius looked ready to break down, his lip was practically trembling as he listened.
“I- Remus, I love it.”
I love you.
There was so much more to say but no time to say it. Sirius had spotted his family, careful to sparingly acknowledge past Remus. He hid the trinket in his sleeve while tracking towards his family.
Regulus, predictably, was already there standing perfectly still as Sirius approached. He’d recently grown taller than his brother, which had made Sirius livid.
For an Ancient and Noble family, the Blacks sure were short.
“Hello, mother!” Sirius said in an obnoxiously enthusiastic tone. Regulus rolled his eyes, though Remus was sure he’d seen traces of a smile.
“Don’t do this today, Sirius.” Walburga snarled. She grabbed both her son’s hands and appeared home. Watching had become routine by that point.
Sirius and Regulus made it to their rooms unbothered. Walburga and Orion surprisingly had their minds set on other businesses.
Once Sirius had safely made it to his room and locked the doors, he took out the carving Remus had given him and sat on his bed.
He sort of just stared at the piece for a while. A few sniffles and a tear later, the silence was interrupted. Remus had expected Walburga to storm into his room looking to punish her son for something fickle. Remus had not expected Regulus Black to step through the door slowly and quietly.
“Reggie?” Sirius croaked, quickly wiping his tears. Regulus studied his brother’s glossy eyes and furrowed his brows.
“Have you been crying?”
Sirius blushed in embarrassment, his hands meeting his cheeks the way they always did when he blushed.
“Mm.” Regulus hummed and sat by Sirius.
“What’s up, Reg?”
Regulus looked hesitant to answer. He stared at his hands for a long moment, fidgeting like Sirius often did.
“I- it’s Mother. She’s- y’know- taken the mark, and I-“ Regulus stopped to breathe. Remus had never seen the older version of Regulus so unsteady. Sirius began to fidget as well, reminding Remus that no matter how different those two were, they would always share blood.
“She wants you to take the mark.” Regulus finished, not daring to meet his brother’s eyes. Sirius’ face fell and his breathing hitched.
“You mean join them?” He breathed out, eyes baring into Regulus.
The younger nodded solemnly, his raven hair glowing in the bits of setting sun that peeled through a window. Sirius’ expression shifted from confused to devastated to angry.
“Fuck that! I’ll never join them- never!”
Regulus stood up and surrendered to his brother, face full of desperation.
“Sirius you have to! She’ll kill you, oh hell, he’ll kill you!”
“Good! I’d rather die than be like them!”
“You’re a fool!”
“No, they are! Mother, father, him.”
Remus’ heart rate increased as they fought. The possibility of him losing Sirius had always been a sensitive topic, and hearing this fueled his dread.
Regulus took a deep breath, exhaling slowly. He kept his eyes closed while doing so, only opening when the time was right.
“Sirius, please. If not for yourself, for me. I don’t want to lose you, frérot.”
Sirius looked devastated again. Remus had the urge to punch Regulus- how could he say something like that after he’d chosen to stop having a relationship with Sirius?
“Reggie I love you, but I’ll never willingly join forces with murderers.” He forced out, voice croaking at the end. Regulus’ breathing exercises failed him.
“Fuck you!” He snapped before storming out and slamming the door behind him.
Sirius threw a pillow and made a frustrated noise. He ran his fingers through his hair with little effort to be gentle. He got up and started pacing around the room, breathing heavily like the night of his falling out with Regulus in the second year. He was pulling at his hair and hitting himself in the face every time an angry tear slipped out.
It was almost pitiful. Remus wished so deeply to be there.
“Shitttt.” Sirius groaned. He sat back down on the bed, picking the woodcarving back up from the spot he had hidden it.
As soon as he had it in his hand, Sirius broke down into sobs.
“Moony.” He cried softly, hugging his chest.
Remus was a bit surprised- Sirius wanted him. He so deeply wished he could’ve been there.
The sun had finally set and Sirius had cried himself to sleep. Not even peacefully, he tossed and turned for what seemed like hours. Time had sped up since it was morning when he woke to a knock on his door.
“Up!”
Remus recognized Orion’s gruff voice as it boomed through the room. Sirius shot up and wiped his face, he’d fallen asleep with the woodcarving in hand.
Remus was definitely not prepared to see Sirius take off his shirt. He could feel himself blushing as he took in Sirius’ slim figure. However, his fluster faded as he noticed the scars that mangled his chest and back.
Remus felt sick looking at them; he knew he shouldn’t, being the king of scars himself, but this was different. Remus’ scars were self-inflicted- nobody could help it. But Sirius’ were willing given. Someone had to want to hurt him.
Merlin, this is so fucked.
Thankfully, Remus didn’t have to watch Sirius change fully- the spell altered time to when he was fully dressed and ready for the day.
Sirius looked unnatural. His usual vibrance was replaced by a hollow expression- like the life had been drained out of him. His hair had been tied into a small ponytail, his face framings slicked back. The worst part was the stupidly tight black robes Sirius looked so uncomfortable in.
Sirius met the rest of his family in their living room. The Blacks didn’t even greet each other- no good mornings or even hellos. Remus was guilty of ever complaining about his quiet family.
“Sirius, your father and I have decided on your role in the upcoming war,” Walburga announced, looking sparingly at her son. Regulus’ brows furrowed in worry of what Sirius might say.
“What do you have in mind, Mother?” Sirius replied dully, not yet ready to argue. Remus hoped he’d keep the careless facade up.
“We will meet with the Dark Lord this summer. You will take the mark and swear loyalty to him without complaint. He expects great things from you, Sirius.”
Sirius had gone white as a sheet. Remus was horrified at the mention of taking the mark. How awful could one family be?
“No,” Sirius whispered, Regulus squeezed his eyes closed.
“What did you just say?” Orion snarled, grabbing Sirius’ wrist.
“I said no!” Sirius spat with much more defiance than last time.
“I had hoped you would be less difficult, but that’s just not how it works with you.” Walburga’s voice was sharp but not yet a yell.
“So sorry that I don’t want to join your murder group, Mother!”
Walburga made a sarcastic humming noise while reaching for her wand.
“Your only choice is how easy you decide to make this.”
Sirius’ eyes widened at her words, he grit his teeth, pivoted, and ran towards the stairs.
Walburga screamed and ran after him, shouting spells that had mostly missed-
mostly. Confringo hit Sirius with a blast, setting the back of his clothes aflame and burning his skin as he screamed. He didn’t quit running, not till he’d made it to his room and slammed the door. Sirius quickly tore his shirt off and stepped on the fire till it was out.
Remus was too stunned to think. Sirius’ back had been severely burned yet he had still managed to keep going- his plan was stupidly impulsive. Remus thought he was the bravest person.
The relief he’d felt when Sirius had safely locked the door was quickly overtaken by fear when Sirius dropped to the floor, his wounds catching up to him.
The memory went Black.
.
.
Sirius was lying on a couch downstairs when his eyes fluttered open. His torso was wrapped in bandages around the burns.
Remus had always wondered why Sirius refused to undress in front of the boys. He sorta assumed it was because he was insecure or something. Not that he had anything to be insecure about- girls were constantly throwing themselves at him.
“You’re awake.”
Sirius turned his head and met Walburga’s eyes, both pairs sharp and grey. One pair full of rage and one pair drained.
“Ouais, non grâce à ta malédiction.”
Remus couldn’t understand what Sirius had said but he knew it was snarky by Walburga’s reaction.
“Oh, hush! We have much more to discuss than some silly injury you bright upon yourself.”
Remus was ready to beat the ever-loving shit out of Walburga. How could she stand there and blame her own child for the abuse she inflicted upon him?
“My answer hasn’t changed,” Sirius said too quickly.
“It will. But that’s not what I’m here to discuss, boy.”
Walburga reached behind her and grabbed something.
Oh. Oh fuck!
It was Remus’ wood carving. Sirius surged forward, attempting to snatch it from his mother. He didn’t get far before falling back into a coughing fit.
“Give it back!” Sirius’ voice was desperate as he struggled to not fall backward again.
“Who is Moony?”
“He’s no one!”
Uh, ouch.
“He?!”
Walburga grabbed Sirius’ wrist and pushed him against the back of the couch. Sirius began to cough again- the force had knocked the wind out of him.
“I was expecting a mud-blood- even that would be better than this!” She screamed, releasing his wrists but going straight for the throat.
She was choking him. Choking her baby.
Sirius couldn’t even fight it.
“Are you a queer, Sirius? Have you done anything with this boy?”
Remus’ heart stopped. She was hurting Sirius because of him. Because of some stupid gift.
“I-”
Walburga released Sirius so that he could give her a proper answer. He began to cough so hard that spat pooled out his throat.
Remus was drowning in guilt. Part of him was aware that he couldn’t have known this would happen but part of him made him want to curl into a ball and cry.
“Answer me!” Walburga demanded with a slap across Sirius’ cheek.
“Merde- yes, Mother! I’m queer and- fuck- and I’m in love with him!”
“Diffindo!”
Remus doesn’t know how many times she used the spell before Sirius passed out.
Five, maybe six?
He was too hyper-focused on the fact that Sirius had admitted to being in love with Remus. And the fact that Sirius was queer.
Remus had convinced himself that he’d just said it to piss Walburga off. To get a reaction. An utterly horrible one he got.
Because the next time Sirius woke up, he was in Regulus’ bed.
“Reggie?” His voice was so heartbreakingly hoarse.
Regulus had been sitting on the bed next to Sirius’ unconscious body. He jumped at the sound of his brother’s voice.
“Sirius, tu es réveillé, espèce d'idiot!” Regulus stood up quickly before kneeling beside Sirius.
“What-“
“Don’t speak, you’re to save your voice for the train, kay?”
Sirius shot up too quickly, crying in pain. Regulus crawled in bed next to his brother.
“What day is it?” Sirius whispered while Regulus messed around with the bandages on his chest.
“The sixth, we have seven hours before we leave for school.”
Sirius began to panic, moving too quickly again. Regulus pulled him back down, letting Sirius rest against his shoulder.
“Shh, save it. I’ll tell you what’s gonna happen.” Regulus whispered, removing a bandage from Sirius’ chest. Sirius yelped in pain, squeezing Regulus’ free hand.
“I’m going to heal you as best I can, alright? Then you’re going to play nice with Mother- do everything she says. When we get on the train, act like you had a perfectly normal and conscious holiday, I mean it.”
Sirius gulped and nodded. Regulus’ tone was harsh and protective- like a mother scolding her child.
“Why’re you being so good to me?” Sirius croaked. Regulus slapped his hand over his brother’s mouth before responding,
“The possibility of losing you outshines my ability to push you away.”
Tears welled in Sirius’ eyes.
When Regulus tried to get up, he was pulled back by Sirius. He let his brother lay against his chest while gently working on healing.
“Hey, Reg?”
“Mhm?”
“Love you.”
“Love you too, Sirius.”
.
.
.
The next memory began with a bang. Literally- Severus Snape had pushed Sirius against a wall in the corridor by Defense Against the Dark Arts. In response, Sirius punched him in the nose.
“A Black resorting to violence, how typical.” Snape snarked, covering his nose. Remus wanted to yell that he’d started it.
“Shut it, Snivellus!”
Snape stepped forward, and in one swift movement, he had pinned Sirius against the wall. Sirius dropped his wand in shock, struggling against Snape’s weight.
“Get off, you’re fucking sick!”
“I’m no queer, Black. I’m simply curious about this.” Snape used his free hand to pull the collar of Sirius’ uniform shirt down, revealing a faint spot of purple that wrung around his neck. The bruise left by Walburga’s hands still hadn’t healed completely.
“Fuck you!”
Sirius shoved Snape with everything he had, putting enough space between them for him to grab his wand.
“I’m so scared. Not so tough on your own, are you Black? Not without your little boyfriend- he can punch.”
Sirius’ face turned red.
“He’s not my boyfriend!”
“Hm. Doesn’t matter, he’s still a freak. You both are!”
“Shut up! Just shut up!”
Snape laughed at Sirius’ frustration. Merlin, he’s was insufferable.
“I know there’s something wrong with Loony- that’s why you match. He’s a freak and you’re a queer. Hey, maybe if you’re lucky he’ll stick around till he realizes you’re queer for him.”
Sirius was livid. So livid that jumping on Snape and pushing him to the ground was the first thing he thought to do.
“Don’t talk about him like that!”
“What’re you gonna do about it? Loony and Potter aren’t here to help you, Black.”
“Oh, I’ll tell you!”
At that moment, Remus knew. This was Sirius’ stupid prank. Sirius told Snape everything about the shrieking shack.
As soon as Snape walked off, Sirius realized.
“Fuck- fuck! What the hell did I just say?”
Remus didn’t have time to think about it. The memory faded, this time a new one didn’t come.
His vision took a moment to readjust. Once it did, he took in his surroundings.
Desks, chairs, students, Sirius.
Sirius.
This wasn’t a memory. This was charms- Remus was back and so was Sirius, who had tears streaming down his face.
“Sirius-“ Remus stepped towards him cautiously.
He didn’t get any further.
Sirius ran.
He fucking ran.