Lily knew love. She knew love from her parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, you name it. Most importantly, she knew love from her sister. According to her mother, sister love was eternal, and no matter what happened between them, they would love each other forever.
Lily didn’t start to doubt that love until she got her Hogwarts letter.
Strange things had been happening to her, things that she couldn’t quite explain. A flower would bloom when she walked by, birds would sing when she climbed trees, and the clouds would disappear from the sky when she gazed upon it too long.
Petunia called her weird, but she didn’t think much of it. She was just special, according to her parents, and Petunia loved her, so she couldn’t think too poorly of Lily.
Of course, that became harder and harder to believe the more Petunia pushed her away, but Lily’s parents assured her that it was just a phase. Petunia loved her, and nothing about Lily could change that, not even how special she was.
While these instances could all be described as coincidence, the day when everything Lily touched started turning to gold after her parents were arguing about money problems could most certainly not be categorized as one.
The next day, Lily had heard a tapping on her window, and nearly fell out of bed when she saw an owl pecking on the glass, an envelope attached to its ankle. Lily had opened the window and cautiously taken the letter from the owl, giving it a small smile before rushing downstairs to alert her parents.
After reading the contents of the letter and learning that their daughter was a witch, her parents were ecstatic. She spent the day recounting any potentially magical occurrences, grinning in awe at how easily the things that made her weird had been explained.
Once she had finished talking to her parents, she ran up the stairs and knocked on Petunia’s door.
“Tunie! You’ll never guess what happened!” Lily yelled through the wall in excitement, impatiently waiting for her sister to come and unlock the door, allowing her in to talk about Hogwarts and being a witch.
“Go away!” Petunia snapped, causing Lily’s smile to falter. She quickly shook off the rejection and knocked again, certain that her sister would want to know about the letter.
“Tunie, come on! It’s important!”
Lily heard the lock click, and backed up just in time before Petunia came storming out of the room, face bright red as she looked down at Lily.
“I don’t give a damn about your stupid witch powers!” Petunia snarled, poking a finger in Lily’s face, who’s mood had most definitely been killed by now, “You’re still a weird little girl, and nothing anyone says could ever change that!”
“B-but Tunie, you don’t understand!” Lily said in confusion, tears welling in her eyes as she looked up at Petunia. Surely she didn’t get what was going on? Surely she didn’t know that this was the best thing that had ever happened to Lily? “I get to be normal and meet people like me! I can take you too, it’s going to be amazing! Think about all of the things we will be able to do with my magic—”
“I DON’T WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOUR STUPID MAGIC!” Petunia screamed, taking another step closer to Lily, who had fully begun to cry now, “NOTHING WILL EVER MAKE YOU NORMAL!”
“Tunie, you’re my sister,” Lily whispered, praying that it would fix everything that had just been broken, “I love you.”
“You’re no sister of mine,” Petunia sneered, taking a step away from Lily before turning back towards her room, slamming the door on Lily, who was shaking with sobs.
Lily sunk to the floor, hands on her head as she let the tears flow. She distantly felt the embrace of her parents, who were attempting to put back together the pieces of her broken heart.
“She’s your sister Lily, she loves you,” Her mother had said, but the words were hard to believe. Petunia had been so mad, and so sincere that it scared Lily. How could Petunia possibly still love her after having said all of that?
Lily’s heart hadn’t just been broken, it had shattered into a million pieces, and for the first time in her life, Lily wasn’t so sure if she knew love.
———
Lily started to believe in love again when she met Severus Snape.
The boy had just moved in across the street, but Lily couldn’t quite find it in herself to go over and say hi. Normally, she was welcoming to any new neighbors, and brought them a batch of lemon bars, her favorite dessert to make.
This time was different, as it had only been two weeks since the fight with Petunia, and Lily didn’t feel like plastering on a smile to greet neighbors she likely would never speak to again.
She didn’t really think too hard about the new neighbors, as her lack of hospitality seemed to be pretty inconsequential in the grand scheme of things.
However, when she went for a walk in the meadow near her house and spotted Severus Snape, she regretted not making those lemon bars.
Instantly, Lily knew that there was something different about him. Different in the same way that she was different, and she had a feeling that they were going to be the best of friends.
“Want some company?” Lily shouted to the boy, taking his lack of answer as a yes, strolling over to where the boy sat, leaning on an old willow tree, taking the seat next to him.
“Who are you?” The boy asked with a scowl, scooting away from Lily and throwing her a dirty look, hiding the stick in his hand under a root of the tree.
“I’m Lily Evans!” Lily smiled, sticking out a hand to the raven haired boy, noting that she should introduce him to different hair products that would reduce grease. The boy looked down his hooked nose at her hand, glaring at it before crossing his arms and looking away. “And what’s your name?”
“Severus,” The boy responded gruffly, still refusing to look at her as his eyes flitted to the stick tucked under the root.
“Severus,” Lily repeated, growing annoyed at his lack of respect and setting her own gaze on the stick, wondering what could possibly be so important about it. Well, she needed to get his attention one way or another, and before he could react, she snatched the stick from its hiding spot and jumped up triumphantly, smirking when Severus jumped up as well.
“Give that back,” Snape demanded, a pale hand extending towards Lily, who took it in her own and gave it a good shake, much to his dismay.
”Nice to meet you,” Lily giggled, giving her attention to the stick as Severus ripped his hand away from hers, wiping it off on his jeans.
“It won’t work for you anyway,” Severus grumbled under his breath, crossing his arms yet again as he gave her a pointed look, wanting his stick back.
However, Lily wasn’t so sure that the stick was actually a stick now, and felt a flutter of excitement in her stomach at the thought of meeting another person who could do magic, even if he was a total arsehole.
“I wouldn’t be so sure,” She smirked, and before he could protest, she waved the stick in the direction of some leaves, pleased when they began to float in the air. She turned back to Severus, satisfied at the shocked look on his face.
“Muggles can’t do magic, that’s impossible!” He exclaimed, snatching the stick—which Lily now knew to be a wand—back, giving her a look of both horror and curiosity.
“So, I guess that makes me a witch, huh?” Lily chuckled, whipping her red hair over her shoulder as she turned away, beginning to walk away from the bewildered wizard.
“Severus Snape,” He called out, causing Lily to turn back around and raise an eyebrow at him, prompting him to continue. “I didn’t tell you my last name yet.”
“Not-so-nice to meet you, Severus Snape,” Lily teased, sticking her hand out to him for the final time, wondering if he would finally take the olive branch that she had so graciously extended.
“Not-so-nice to meet you, Lily Evans,” Severus replied, giving his best attempt at a smile as he took her hand in his, giving it a firm shake.
Lily knew in that exact instant that Severus Snape would be the one to pick up the pieces of her broken heart and put them back together, becoming her best friend.
If Lily hadn’t met Severus, she didn’t think that she would have ever believed in love again, and with his help, she finally began to heal.
———
Lily was first grateful for love when she became friends with Mary Macdonald and Marlene McKinnon.
When Lily first got to Hogwarts, she knew nobody except for Severus. He sat with her on the train, took the boats up to the castle with her, and remained glued to her side until the sorting ceremony.
Severus told her that he would be in Slytherin, and that he hoped she would be too. Lily didn’t really understand the house dynamics, but she told Severus that she would try to be in Slytherin.
Truthfully, she really wanted to be in the same house as Severus, as she was scared of being all alone in a strange new world. She knew nobody, and nobody knew her, but that fact would be easier to face with Severus by her side.
So, when she was called up to the stool by Minerva McGonagall and had the hat placed on her head, the first thing she thought was Slytherin.
Slytherin? Responded the hat, and Lily was beyond thankful that she had not toppled off the stool in shock. Why Slytherin? What do you know about that house?
I know that Severus will be in it, Lily thought confidently, frowning when she heard the hat laughing at her.
Severus clearly hasn’t told you enough information, the hat explained, clearly sensing her confusion at the statement, before responding again. Muggleborns aren’t treated very well by Slytherins, and I wouldn’t want to put you in any danger.
I don’t care, I want to stick with my friend! Lily tried to shout in her mind, but she felt utterly helpless at the hands of the hat, her fate being determined by the word of a poorly stitched head-warmer.
Such bravery in arguing with me, such loyalty in wanting to stick with your friend. I’m sorry Evans, but it would be a waste to put you in a house other than…
“GRYFFINDOR!” The hat yelled, and Lily felt the weight being lifted off of her head as she searched for Severus in the crowd, shooting him an apologetic smile before turning towards the table of cheering Gryffindors.
Lily walked over to the long table, looking for an empty seat among the witches and wizards adorned in red and gold. Biting her lip in worry, she scanned the table from end to end, looking for a familiar face.
“Oi! Over here!” A voice yelled, and she allowed her face to light up upon spotting a black haired boy, whom she had recognized from the train, waving her over. She took a seat next to him, offering a smile before she turned back to the sorting ceremony, apprehensively waiting for Severus to be sorted.
Two girls and three boys had joined their small group before Severus was called, and Lily’s knee bounced up and down so quickly that the table began to shake, the nerves almost overwhelming her.
Lily barely even had time to hope that Severus would be sorted into Gryffindor before the hat was placed on his head, and her fingers had just began to cross before—
“SLYTHERIN!” The hat called out, and Lily had to fight back tears as her best friend sulked over to the table across the hall, shooting her a sad look before he took a seat between two evil-looking boys.
“Aww, look who’s about to cry because her boyfriend got sorted into Slytherin,” An older student snickered, jeering at Lily and causing a few of his friends to laugh at the tears threatening to spill from her eyes.
Severus wasn’t here to defend her, but that didn’t matter, as she could defend herself. She didn’t need a friend to help her, although why did it seem like she couldn't function without one?
“Shut it!” The dark-skinned girl who had sat down near them snarled, giving the older boy a death glare, causing Lily’s heart to melt.
In that same instant, a handful of jellybeans had been flung across the table, a few landing in the boy’s mouth and causing him to choke and complain about the foul taste. Lily turned towards the source of the throw, and saw the blonde-haired girl who was also a first year putting a box of Bertie Botts’s Every-Flavour Beans back into her pocket.
“I’m Marlene,” the blonde girl snickered, offering Lily her hand.
“We both just watched you throw an nasty jellybean at him, no way she wants to touch your smelly hand,” the dark-skinned girl stated in fake disgust, before turning to Lily and introducing herself. “I’m Mary, sorry about that wanker.”
“Thanks for dealing with it,” Lily smiled, wiping any stray tears away, “I’m Lily. Sorry you had to do that, I’m not usually this emotional.”
“Don’t worry about it, I’ve cried over way less,” Mary grinned, both girls looking over as Marlene stood up, demanding that a rat-looking boy switch seats with her, taking the spot beside Mary and across from Lily.
“I’ve actually never cried before,” Marlene chimed in, causing both Mary and Lily’s eyes to pop.
“Not once?” Lily exclaimed, hand flying over her mouth as she remembered that the sorting ceremony was still going on.
“That’s impossible,” Mary scoffed, exchanging a glance with Lily, “You can’t have gone this long, it’s impossible.”
“It’s true!” Marlene insisted, ignoring the protests from both girls.
“It’s unhealthy.”
“Not even when you were a baby?”
“What about when you got hurt?”
“Do you even drink water?”
“Maybe a little, not once, never got hurt, and of course I drink water!” Marlene rebutted with ease, and the trio continued to debate the logistics of not crying, almost not noticing when the food appeared on the table.
“Holy shit!” Mary yelled, shoveling all different kinds of food onto her plate as fast as it could replenish itself, “Magic is so bloody cool!”
“Are you also a muggleborn?” Lily asked curiously, scooping mashed potatoes onto her plate.
“Yes, although I don’t understand why the people here are so concerned with blood,” Mary pondered, organizing the different foods on her plate before digging into a lamb chop.
“I’m a pureblood and I don’t even understand it,” Marlene laughed, taking a spoonful of the mashed potatoes on Lily’s plate and shoving them into her mouth, causing all three girls to laugh.
At that moment, Lily was so happy to have people that would stick up for her, even though they barely knew her. While she had a feeling that they would become fast friends, it was good to know that she had people who would take her side without question.
Because of this, Lily was grateful for love, as without it, she wouldn’t be lucky enough to find people that loved her without question.
———
Lily never hated love until she met Regulus Black.
All she knew about the wizard was that he was Sirius’s evil little brother, or so she had heard from tales told throughout the school.
While Sirius never spoke ill of Regulus, at least not in front of her, she still knew that he couldn’t possibly be a good person. There had to be a good reason that Sirius ran away and didn’t take his little brother with him, and quite frankly, Lily didn’t care to know why.
However, when Regulus Black began sitting at the most comfy couch in the library, Lily couldn’t avoid him forever. This was her library too, and she’d be damned if Regulus Black got to control where she sat.
So, after a week of watching in anger as Regulus read his books comfortably in her favorite spot, she decided to take action. Lily stormed over to the couch, and plopped down next to Regulus, pointedly ignoring him as she pulled out a book and continued to read. She felt his eyes on her for a second, before he turned back to his book, seemingly unbothered.
After sitting uncomfortably close to Regulus for far longer than necessary, she finally slammed her book shut, facing the youngest Black brother.
“Are you going to move?” She asked shrilly, wincing as she heard a hush from the Ravenclaws on the other side of the library, giving them an apologetic look before turning her attention back to Regulus.
“I was here first,” He shrugged, not looking away from his book, which annoyed Lily to no end.
“Isn’t it forbidden to sit this close to a mudblood? Shouldn’t you be burning your robes by now?” Lily snarled quietly, wishing for nothing more than for the youngest Black to get up and leave.
“I couldn’t care less about your blood status,” Regulus remarked, causing Lily’s eyebrows to raise into her hairline, “And I’d really like to finish up my book now, so if you could excuse me, I’m going to continue reading.”
Dumbstruck, Lily opened her mouth again to argue, before closing it abruptly, recognizing the stupidity of the situation. She had invaded Regulus’s personal space and was demanding for him to leave, when he was completely in his rights to sit there. She couldn’t continue to argue without making more of a fool of herself than she already had, so she returned to her book.
Maybe waiting Regulus out was the best course of action. After all, who could possibly be stubborn enough to pick a fight with Lily Evans?
However, the next day when Lily returned to the library, she was rendered speechless when she saw Regulus Black in the same spot where he had been yesterday. Refusing to give up a fight, she sat down next to him again, frustrated at his indifference towards the situation.
“I don’t plan on moving,” He said, giving her a wry smile before turning back to his parchment, quill scribbling furiously as he somehow managed to produce perfectly looped letters.
As Lily began to open her textbook, she noticed that the essay Regulus was writing was on the exact same subject matter that the sixth years were learning about.
“Why are you writing about Felix Felicis?” Lily asked, dropping the hostility in favor of her curiosity. Lily liked to think of herself as relatively humble, but seeing Regulus crank out a better essay than the one she had written made her nervous that her skills were akin to those of a fifth year.
“Slughorn is allowing me to dual enroll,” Regulus replied, keeping his focus on the parchment as he answered her question without any problems. Lily had assumed that Regulus wasn’t willing to talk, but clearly she was mistaken.
“Why would you want to do that?” Lily continued, confusion growing. Why would Regulus want to take on such a great amount of extra work, especially considering the fact that he had to study for his OWLs?
“I’d like to take all seventh year classes next year,” Regulus answered, finally looking up at Lily. For some reason, she expected his eyes to be black and cold, matching the persona surrounding him. Instead, she found herself looking into soft, gray eyes, full of sadness as opposed to the empty abyss she had expected.
“Sorry to be a bother, but why?” Lily persisted, unsuccessfully attempting to connect a few pieces of the puzzle that was Regulus Black.
“I’d like to complete my education before…” Regulus trailed off, looking up at the ceiling for a moment before returning to his essay, ink smudging on pale, porcelain skin.
Why wouldn’t he be able to finish schooling during seventh year? It doesn’t make any—
Oh.
Regulus didn’t plan on attending Hogwarts during his seventh year. Lily had heard many rumors, but one that had been gaining more popularity was that Regulus would be taking the dark mark, a mark that branded Voldemort’s followers.
Regulus must’ve known that he would be receiving it during the summer before seventh year, and clearly expected to be thrown right into the war, missing out on his final year at Hogwarts in favor of fighting for a madman.
Lovely.
Lily decided that she wouldn’t pry any longer, and continued to read her textbook, attempting to ignore Regulus’s dilemma. However, Gryffindors weren’t told of their bleeding hearts for no reason, and Lily couldn’t help but continue to think about Regulus, and what she could do to help the poor boy.
“What classes are you taking?” She queried, hoping that Regulus would accept her help, despite being a proud Slytherin who likely didn’t want help from anybody, especially a muggleborn.
“Care of Magical Creatures, Potions, Transfiguration, Defense Against the Dark Arts, Herbology and Arithmancy,” Regulus said, raising an eyebrow in suspicion as he looked at Lily again, continuing to give her responses that made it incredibly difficult to carry out a conversation.
“I have all of those classes, so if you need any help—”
“I don’t,” Regulus cut her off sharply, rolling up his essay and tucking it into his bag, along with his quill, before storming off, causing a few second years to shriek in fear and run to different sections of the library.
Lily sighed, packing up her textbook as well. Although Regulus was a moody twat, he shouldn’t have to become a death eater at age seventeen. Plus, after his comment about not caring about her blood status, Lily no longer believed that he would even enjoy being a death eater, and would likely rather return for his seventh year.
Resigned to the fact that Regulus wouldn’t accept her help, and would probably no longer inhabit her spot in the library, Lily walked back to the Gryffindor common room, a frown on her face. She figured that Regulus would never speak to her again, and that she missed her chance to help the boy.
However, when she returned to the library the next day and saw Regulus in her seat, she felt a spark of hope. The fifth year wouldn’t have returned if he didn’t want her help, even if it was subconscious. Lily decided that she would do her best to help Regulus, no matter how long it took or how difficult it was.
For the first few days, Regulus refused to acknowledge her at all, barely even flinching when she took the seat next to him. Fortunately, as the days went by, Regulus began to open up. Whether it was the exchange of notes or the occasional question, he slowly began to accept her help, and even seemed grateful for it.
Things had been going pretty smoothly, and Lily began to consider Regulus as a friend, even though neither of them would ever admit it aloud. None of her friends even knew that she spent her time in the library with Regulus, and Lily thanked her lucky stars that she surrounded herself with idiots (except for Remus, who preferred visiting the library during the early hours of the day).
Lily was rather content with the situation, and was walking in the hallway on her way to Charms when she felt herself being tugged into a broom closet. She opened her mouth to scream, but a cold hand clamped itself over her mouth before she could utter a sound. She turned to face her kidnapper, and raised her eyebrows in shock upon realizing that it was Regulus.
“What the hell are you doing?” She whispered in annoyance once Regulus removed his hand from her mouth, almost certain that no harm would come of her.
“How is Sirius?” Regulus asked, and Lily’s heart softened at the earnest expression on his face. Regulus normally kept on a mask of indifference, and seeing the pain in his eyes as he asked about his older brother was quite possibly the saddest thing she had ever seen.
Regulus and Lily never discussed anything personal, conversations being largely based around classes and other shallow subjects. Talking about Sirius was crossing the invisible line that they had set, yet Lily couldn’t find it in herself to care much about that right now.
“Sirius is fine,” Lily replied, noting how Regulus’s features relaxed upon hearing the news, “He is living with the Potters, and he is very happy. He has a boy— partner, and the two are in love, sickeningly so.”
“Thank you,” Regulus said, turning to leave the closet when Lily grabbed onto the sleeve of his robes, tugging him back inside.
“He really misses you, you know,” Lily said sincerely, maintaining eye contact as she watched Regulus’s eyes glaze over, lip trembling. She was breaking down his walls, and what she saw made her chest hurt.
“I miss him too,” He stuttered, tears threatening to spill as he bit down on his lip, looking at the wall past Lily’s head.
“You could go live with him,” Lily suggested, a smile forming on her face. She had thought that Regulus didn’t want anything to do with Sirius, but after realizing how much he cared for his brother, she didn’t understand what was stopping them from being together. “James wouldn’t mind, if anything he’d love having you around, he’s a sucker for a pretty face. And Effie is amazing, she’d love you and teach you how to bake, you’d just adore her. Sirius wants you to be with him more than anything else in this world, and all you have to do is go to him, I could help you talk to him about it if you want!”
A tear finally spilled down Regulus’s cheek as he looked at her, lip quivering. Lily watched as something inside him broke, eyes betraying his sorrow and grief as he looked at her, expression so distraught that it made Lily start to cry too.
“I can’t,” He whispered hoarsely, voice cracking, “Maman says they’ll take him back if I leave, and if they can’t take him back, they’ll just get rid of him. She says that if I take the mark, he’ll be safe forever. I have to become one of them, or else they’ll kill Sirius.”
Lily felt a sob wrack through her body, and without thinking she flung herself at the boy in front of her, wrapping her arms so tight around him that nobody would ever be able to take him away. To her surprise, she felt a pair of arms bring her even closer, a head tucking into her shoulder as the tears began to flow.
The pair hugged in the closet for what could have been days, crying and clinging onto each other, praying that they would never have to let go.
Regulus stopped coming to the library, and Lily cried herself to sleep.
She never knew how tragic love was until she met Regulus. She hated how much he loved his brother, willing to sacrifice himself in order to save Sirius. She hated how much Sirius loved Regulus, hopeful eyes scanning the Slytherin table every morning, catching a glimpse of Regulus before turning his eyes back to his plate. Lily hated how she couldn’t tell Sirius about how much his little brother loved him, for fear that he would attempt to save Regulus and kill himself in the process.
Lily hated the fact that she loved Regulus, and couldn’t do anything to save him.
Regulus didn’t return to Hogwarts the next year, and Lily was heartbroken.
Lily hated love.
———
Lily first begged for love when she first went out with James Potter.
James had spent his first four years at Hogwarts absolutely obsessed with Lily, and although he didn’t seem to be infatuated with her now, Mary and Marlene insisted that he was still head over heels for her.
According to Mary and Marlene, James was insanely fit, and she needed to take the opportunity to ask him out before somebody else did. The students were granted permission to take a hogsmeade trip the weekend before Winter holidays, and Lily’s friends had convinced her to ask James out.
She didn’t understand why she didn’t want to do it. James was a good looking guy, and after he stopped annoying her with constant declarations of love, he had actually become quite pleasant to be around. They loved discussing Quidditch and debating who had the better music taste, and she was never bored in his company.
Mary and Marlene were also very persistent due to the fact that Lily had never been out on a date, let alone had a crush. It’s not as if she didn’t have the opportunity, Lily was a pretty attractive girl. Many blokes had asked her out, yet she wasn’t interested in a single one, a fact that confused her friends to no end.
Despite this, Lily was tired of arguing with her dormmates about her love life, or lack of it, so she agreed to ask James out. Surely the two would click romantically, as they were two attractive people who had a great time together. Everybody insisted that they were meant for eachother, and who was Lily to argue?
James’s jaw had dropped to the floor when she had asked him out, but he had quickly agreed, and the two decided to meet in the Great Hall and head to the Three Broomsticks, checking out shops on the way to buy Christmas gifts.
A large grin spread over James’s face when Lily walked up to him, offering her hand. James took it cautiously, interlacing their fingers as they began to walk down to Hogsmeade. James blabbered on about a prank that the Marauders were planning, but Lily couldn’t seem to focus on the words coming out of his mouth.
Why didn’t she feel anything? She was holding hands with a boy, and all she could think about was how indifferent she felt. It wasn’t bad, Lily just simply felt nothing. No spark, no feeling of disgust, just pure and utter indifference.
This made her frustrated, and Lily was determined to feel something, so she tuned back into what James was saying and forced a smile, nodding along.
The pair fell into easy conversation, and soon enough they had reached the Three Broomsticks, Lily’s stomach hurting from laughing as James ordered butterbeer for the both of them.
Lily had chosen a table in the back corner of the pub, and they continued to crack jokes and bounce off each other with ease. Lily was happy, but not in the way that she should have been. The two gelled very well together as friends, but so far Lily felt nothing more than that.
Determined to fix this, Lily laced her fingers in the neck of James’s sweater and pulled him in for a kiss, shutting her eyes tightly as she desperately hoped to feel something. James was still for a moment before he began to kiss her back, hands cupping her face as he deepened the kiss.
Lily tried to put her all into the kiss, opening her mouth and allowing James to slide his tongue past her lips, humming in satisfaction as the pair continued to make out in the corner.
Lily felt nothing.
She had tried her best, but there wasn’t anything there. No romantic feelings, and no enjoyment during the kiss. James’s hands were too rough, and she hated the scratch of his stubble on her face. His mouth was far too large, and Lily didn’t like how large he was, warming her up too much.
Still, Lily continued to kiss him, and resigned herself to the fact that she probably wouldn’t feel anything with anyone. Maybe this is what attraction was supposed to be like, and everybody was just heavily over exaggerating how amazing it was to kiss somebody.
When they finally broke apart, the first thing Lily noticed was the faraway look in James’s eyes. He seemed to be staring up at the ceiling, and Lily figured that he felt just as indifferent about the kiss as she had, confirming her theory.
Lily really liked James as a friend, and since it didn’t seem like she’d feel a spark with anybody else, she figured that James was the best it could get. He was funny and sweet, and she already loved him, just not in the way that she was hoping for.
Lily decided that she would marry James Potter, and asked him to be her boyfriend. James agreed, and they walked back up into the castle hand in hand, chatting and laughing as they had done before. Nothing had really changed between them, and Lily was grateful for that.
James didn’t seem to want to kiss Lily very much, and she was pleased to learn that they were on the same page. They made out publicly to annoy their friends, and talked in private. For some reason they came to a silent agreement that they wouldn’t kiss often, and when they did it would be in front of people.
They both wanted to put on a show, and Lily assumed that they did that for the same reason.
During a game of truth or dare, it was revealed that James and Lily hadn’t had sex yet, which made their friends flip out.
“James, what are you doing?” Sirius had cried out hysterically, pretending to comfort his best friend, “Why don’t you have any game? A shame it is, truly.”
Mary and Marlene had looked at Lily in shock, who merely shrugged. Surely being a virgin wasn’t that big of a deal, and why would anybody want to have sex anyways?
The game continued onwards, and Lily was shocked to learn that James wasn’t a virgin. He hadn’t dated anybody else, and Lily figured that he also didn’t want to have sex. She was clearly mistaken, and felt guilty for a moment about having taken away something from James. Maybe he enjoyed being together, and Lily was reading the whole thing all wrong? Maybe sex was what they needed to finally click romantically, and Lily had just been missing out this entire time?
That night, Lily led James up to her dorm, charming her curtains closed before pulling James into a kiss on her bed. Clothes were tossed to the side, and James opened his eyes to look at Lily, pushing inside of her once she nodded.
James began to move, eyes squeezed shut, pulling in and out of her. Lily still didn’t really understand what the appeal of sex was yet, but she still attempted to give off the idea that she was enjoying it, faking moans and rolling her hips.
When Lily called out James’s name, the boy winced and faltered for a second, before continuing onward. Lily shut up after that, and soon James was spilling inside of her. He pulled out and rolled over, opening his eyes and staring up at the ceiling, that same faraway look tainting his features as he stared.
Despite the sticky warmth inside of her, Lily felt empty as she looked at James, noticing the tears rolling down his cheeks. Lily began to cry too, and James rolled over to give her a hug, eyes still pointed upwards. The couple cried in silence, falling asleep holding each other.
Upon waking up, James and Lily agreed to never have sex again, voicing their lack of attraction to each other for the first time. Things continued on as normal, yet Lily had never felt more alone.
She lay awake at night, pleading to whatever gods that would listen, asking to fall in love with James, and for James to fall in love with her. She wished that she could love at all, and hoped that the heavens would take pity on her and strike her with Cupid’s arrow, giving her the chance to love James Potter, and for James Potter to love her.
She begged and pleaded for love, a kind of love that would never come.
———
Lily feared love when Harry Potter was born.
James and Lily returned to the Potter household after graduating from Hogwarts, and Lily could not stop throwing up.
It was a horrible start to her summer, and James spent the first few weeks holding her hair back as she hurled into the trash can. The couple spent the rest of their time researching illnesses, and could not quite figure out what Lily had come down with.
Frustrated with their lack of results, Lily continued throwing up and James continued to serve as her support blanket, tending to her needs. Lily was so distracted with her research and sickness that she didn’t realize she had missed her period.
She hadn’t checked her calendar in a week, not needing to schedule anything due to her vomiting. James thought that they should schedule an appointment at St. Mungos, and when Lily went to write down the date and time, her heart sank.
She was eleven days late. Shit.
Not wanting to unnecessarily alarm anyone, Lily ran into the bathroom and locked herself in, ignoring James’ yell of concern. She dug around in the cupboard under the sink, praying that she would find a pregnancy test. To her surprise, there was a box of them hiding behind a few hair products, and Lily pulled one out, praying that the second line wouldn’t show.
Twenty minutes later, Lily was flinging the pregnancy test across the bathroom and collapsing on the floor, clutching her stomach in horror.
The war was about to start, she couldn’t have a baby! It was impractical and a mistake, how would she help fight Voldemort with a fetus in her stomach?
“I’m coming in!” James announced, and Lily didn’t have the time to collect her bearings before James had busted the door down. His eyes darted between Lily and the pregnancy test before rushing to join her on the ground, giving her a hug.
“We have to get rid of it,” Lily stated, brushing James off and abruptly standing, intent on finding her wand. All it would take is a quick spell, and things would all be over. She could join the war efforts, and wouldn’t be burdened with the task of caring for a baby.
“Wait, we need to talk about this!” James said as he followed Lily, stepping in front of her and blocking her exit from the bathroom, fixing her with a pleading stare behind his glasses. Lily was furious for a moment, but quickly gave up fighting after seeing the look on James’ face.
“What is there to talk about?” Lily questioned, taking a seat on the edge of the bathtub, peering up at James. She couldn’t quite understand why he would want to have a baby either, as he was already a member of the Order of the Phoenix and planned on fighting.
“Look, I know that you don’t love me, a-and that we aren’t really supposed to be together,” James stuttered, speaking so quickly that Lily couldn’t find a way to interrupt, “And that’s fine. Actually, it’s great, because I’d feel horrible if you loved me and I had to pretend— Sorry, that’s not the point. I know we made a mistake when we had sex, but this baby could give us a future. We could raise it together, as friends, and start a new life after the war. It’s hope, Lily. We need that right now. It’s your choice, but if I have any say, I vote to keep it.”
Stunned, Lily just stared at James, jaw slack and brain whirring. The boy had dumped so much information onto Lily that she wasn’t sure what to do, but she hadn’t made top of their class through sheer, dumb luck. So, Lily took a quick second to process, making her decision.
“We’re keeping it.”
Lily and James got married two months later. It was a small wedding at the Potter Manor, mostly consisting of friends and family. Neither Petunia nor her parents were there, which was unfortunate, but the wedding was still as perfect as could be.
James agreed to marry Lily, who was scared of what people may think if she were to have a baby out of wedlock at age eighteen. Sure, she didn’t care much about what people thought of her, but she needed to get into the Order, and didn’t want to risk damaging her reputation. Plus, she didn’t want her baby to be teased more than necessary, so marrying James seemed like the best solution.
After James’ convincing words, the pair decided to go back to being friends, and it was as if nothing had changed. The only difference was that they no longer kissed, which was something that both parties were grateful for, although Lily never figured out why that was for James.
All of the people invited to the wedding were aware of the new arrangement and found it quite hilarious, jokes being thrown left and right as Lily walked down the aisle, escorted by Mary.
Once they were finished with vows, James and Lily gave each other kisses on the cheek, and the party quickly cleared up afterwards. Sirius had to go on a mission, Mary had to catch her flight to the States, and Remus needed to meet with Dumbledore.
Lily gave everybody smiles and waved them goodbye, before turning on her foot and disapparating, wincing as the wave of nausea hit when she reappeared in a small wizarding town. She spotted Sirius, who waved her over, finger placed over his lips as he motioned for her to be quiet.
Kingsley gave the signal, and Lily was raising her wand, stepping out of the shadows and casting a curse at a death eater.
When Lily was six months pregnant, James insisted that she stop fighting with the Order and come home to rest, attempting to convince her of how unhealthy fighting was.
Lily didn’t stop fighting until Dumbledore ordered it, almost eight months into her pregnancy. James was displeased that he allowed her to fight for this long, but ended up being grateful that both Lily and the baby were safe.
Lily wasn’t fully certain that she had made the right choice in choosing to have the baby when she was forcefully retired, but all of that changed when she held Harry for the first time.
The baby boy resembled James, jet black hair and mischievous grin, tan skin and big, wide eyes. Nobody would have believed that Lily had had this baby with James if not for the green eyes, and once Lily looked into them for the first time, she felt a jolt of fear pierce her heart.
She no longer lived for herself. She lived for Harry.
Harry.
Lily was so scared that she could barely think. She brought a baby into a world of war, a baby that she would protect no matter the cost, and the speed at which all of her morals flew out of the window was alarming.
She would burn down the world for Harry. She would join Voldemort. She would kill Dumbledore. She would do anything, and this thought terrified her.
Lily loved Harry, and couldn’t help but fear the things she would do to keep him safe. However, what scared her the most was losing Harry. As long as Lily had him, nothing would matter, and if she lost him, nothing would matter.
Love would do terrible things to her, and Lily was scared.
———
Lily fell in love when she met Pandora Lovegood.
Apparently, there were only two people dumb enough to have babies during the war, and those two people were Pandora and Lily. Due to the lack of access to the outside world, Dumbledore thought it would be a good idea for the children of the Order to socialize with each other.
When Lily heard from James that Dumbledore expected Harry to go on a playdate with Pandora’s daughter, Luna, Lily was beyond confused. She knew that Pandora was in the Order, and that she had dropped out of school early to join, but Lily had yet to meet her.
She was a bit skeptical of needing to spend time with a random person and a random child, who was almost a full year younger than Harry. However, Dumbledore was not a man to argue with, so Lily found herself dragging Harry through the fireplace to where the Lovegoods lived.
The pair stepped out of the fireplace and into the strange home, and before Lily could begin to assess her surroundings, she noticed that Harry’s glasses had come askew during their travels.
Lily bent down and straightened her son’s glasses, giving him a smile, before looking up and noticing the blonde woman across the room, holding a baby in one arm.
Her heart skipped a beat.
Pandora Lovegood was the most beautiful person she had ever seen. Wavy blonde hair, so blonde that it was bordering on white, pale skin and wide eyes. She wore an abundance of necklaces and bracelets, homemade jewelry all over her body. Her clothing was old and worn, but flowy and happy at the same time. Everything about Pandora fit her so perfectly, and Lily was in awe.
Pandora looked into her eyes, and Lily thought she was going to drown in the ocean that was her eyes. They were so blue, so piercing, and Lily wished that Pandora would never stop looking at her, that she would hold Lily in her gaze for the rest of their lives.
“Hi there, you must be my soulmate,” Pandora greeted cheerily, sticking her free hand out to Lily, who was going into shock at the ease at which Pandora shifted her world on its axis.
“What?” Lily blurted, eyes bulging as her brain shut down for the first time, too stunned to shake Pandora’s hand as she continued to stare at the blonde.
“Lily, right? It’s so nice to finally meet you, I wondered if I would be waiting forever,” Pandora smiled, bringing her hand down, undeterred. She sat down on the ground with her daughter, who giggled when she saw Harry, and Lily felt Harry tug at her hand. She let him go, and he rushed over to Pandora’s daughter, Luna, and began to chat excitedly with her.
“Luna!” Harry exclaimed, and despite the months separating them in age, Luna was able to keep up with Harry’s word vomit, and seemed to calm him down immediately.
“Those two could also be soulmates,” Pandora pondered, seemingly in another world as she looked at the two children. Lily was still too stunned to speak, but she managed to sit down next to Pandora, finally gaining the courage to speak.
“Why do you think we are soulmates? I’ve never even met you?” Lily asked, debating whether or not Pandora was insane, and deciding that if she was, Lily was equally insane for finding her wildly attractive.
“When you know, you know,” Pandora replied, as if that was all it took. However, Lily couldn’t quite find it in herself to argue, as she had never felt this way about anybody, and didn’t think that any argument would be genuine.
“Why have I never seen you before?” Lily questioned instead, not wanting to deny their potential as soulmates, allowing herself to give in and learn more about the girl before her.
“I was mostly friends with Slytherins at Hogwarts, and I know your group didn’t like them much,” Pandora answered, smiling fondly at the two children who seemed to be engaged in an intense game of peek-a-boo.
Lily was quite taken aback at this, as Pandora seemed too pure to associate with potential Death Eaters. Wondering if she needed to reassess, Lily opened her mouth to continue with her questions, but Pandora already seemed to know what she was going to say.
“Regulus was my best friend,” Pandora smiled sadly, and any doubts that Lily held evaporated upon hearing those words. “While I believe that you are my romantic soulmate, he is my platonic one. I know that you two used to study together, so I know that you know he isn’t who people say he is. Him, Evan, Barty, and Dorcas were my best friends. Regulus still is, although I don’t know if he knows that. Evan and Barty are too far gone, though, and Dorcas hates them too much for me to be close with her.”
“Pandora,” Lily whispered, reaching a hand out and laying it on Pandora’s shoulder, attempting to ignore the flutters that erupted in her stomach at the contact.
“It’s difficult, sometimes,” Pandora continued, reaching her own hand up to Lily’s and giving it a squeeze, sending another wave of flutters throughout her body, “But I think that once the war is over, things could be different, so I am going to continue hoping.”
“I know what you mean,” Lily sighed, thinking of Severus. Although she had made it clear that she wanted nothing to do with him, he was still the first person she had learned to love, and nothing would change that. Normally, she didn’t allow herself to hope, but Pandora made her want to try.
“Do you think that we could be something? If we hope?” Pandora asked, eyes wide as she peered at Lily, breaking her heart to pieces and putting it back together with a single glance.
“I didn’t think that I was built to love until today,” Lily answered honestly, squeezing Pandora’s hand back. She didn’t know what it was, but something about Pandora made her want to be honest and hopeful, and made her want to dream.
“I knew I was built to love, I just didn’t know for who,” Pandora said, and Lily wanted to whisk Pandora away and live out a happily ever after. They could raise Luna and Harry together and start their own family, oblivious to the problems in the world.
Except Lily can’t ignore the war, and couldn’t leave her friends behind without first putting an end to the fighting.
“We have to wait until the war is over,” Lily mumbled apologetically, letting go of Pandora’s hand and avoiding eye contact, praying that she wouldn’t find any hurt in the eyes she now loved so much. When she finally looked up, however, she saw nothing but hope in the eyes that met hers.
“We can continue to meet, for the kids,” Pandora smiled, and Lily nodded in agreement, turning back to her child and noticing how happy Harry was talking to Luna.
“You could owl me after Halloween?” Lily queried, and returned Pandora’s smile at the prospect of seeing eachother again. While they couldn’t be together yet, they could still spend time together, which would have to be enough.
“The kids can trade candy,” Pandora giggled, and Lily couldn’t help but giggle in return, amused at the prospect of their children debating who would get the Albus Dumbledore chocolate frog card.
“It’s a date,” Lily blurted, cheeks heating in embarrassment at the impulsive words, soothed only by the fondness in Pandora’s eyes. Lily stood up, and picked up Harry, noting the time and realizing that they needed to be back home for dinner.
“I will see you after Halloween, Lily,” Pandora promised as Lily stepped into the green flames, and Lily didn’t even get the chance to return the sentiment before she was stepping into Potter manor, a dopey smile on her face and a feeling of hope bubbling in her chest.
For the longest time, she believed that she wasn’t meant to fall in love. She wasn’t meant to meet her person, and she wasn’t meant to find true happiness. Sure, Harry and James were the perfect family, but she had always wished for romantic love, and finally had a chance at it.
When Lily fell asleep that night, it was to visions of Pandora’s eyes and promises of love, and Lily knew that she had already fallen in love. She hoped that Pandora had too, and hoped that they would continue to fall deeper and deeper in love.
Pandora was it for her, and Lily was so happy. Happy that she would get to experience romance for the first time, happy that she had finally fallen in love.
True love was unstoppable, and Lily knew that there was nothing that could possibly get in the way of that love.
Well, she hoped.
———
Lily died for love on October 31st, 1981.