From One Attention Whore to Not Another
The revelation that Marlene is a lesbian was not much of a revelation at all. Throughout her childhood--thanks to her Auntie Tina--she was not quiet about her love for girls. She even went as far to tell her family about a few of her friends that she could picture herself marrying as a little eight year old.
With that being said, being open about her sexuality as a teenager is something completely different than daydreaming about marrying another girl as a young child. For one, the reality that she would end up loving another woman seemed much more scary now than it did before.
No fault of their own, her immediate family was all straight. This made sense since her parents had been deeply in love with each other since their Hogwarts days and her brother had married a woman a year ago.
Belle McKinnon, her sister-in-law, and one of the strongest women she knew, had come over to the house after Marlene told her what happened with Laura in a letter. She was outraged and hurt as if Laura had betrayed her. She cried with Marlene and held her until her soft hiccups dissipated.
“Mar, there’s something important I have to tell you,” Belle began, letting Marlene go from her embrace.
Marlene had heard of people who loved both men and women, or just had no qualms about that sort of thing at all. There were even people who just decided not to label themselves--all the more power to them really, Marlene feels like she would be lost without her label.
Yet, she hadn’t realized that Belle identified with the first group. Belle told her she kept this part of her identity hidden most of the time for her safety, admitting that it often made her feel like a coward. She was grateful for the genuine love she had found with her brother because it made it easier to hide.
Marlene told her it didn’t make her any less valid. They cried again.
Their conversation took place over a few good hours, and they came out of it rightfully emotionally drained. That night they curled up together in Marlene’s bed and fell soundly asleep. Caleb threw a blanket over two of his favorite people and slept alone in his bed that night.
Belle and Marlene grew much closer in the coming days, ultimately deciding that they should visit a gay club in London together. Not alone, of course, Belle had two queer friends she would bring with them.
It was a lot to take in at once, but Marlene loved this new community she found. The people she was surrounding herself with let her be her true self, something she chased since birth. Her Hogwarts friends did the best job at making her feel loved and supported, yet not all of them could understand her experiences.
Belle, Darla, Clark, and Marlene brave London’s streets together, giggling the whole way there. Darla and Clark were four years older than Marlene--she thinks she may recognize them from her time at Hogwarts. They were two of the funniest people she had ever met, and she secretly hoped that they would get to meet Sirius at some point. They would absolutely adore him.
Her emotions rode high. As they walked into the bar, Marlene’s hands were marked with X’s to show she was underage, and by the time they found a table, she was sweating profusely. Even the fact that she was in a mini skirt and cropped shirt couldn’t help her body temperature.
There were so many new sights and sounds around her that she had a difficult time focusing on the people sitting at the table with her. Distantly, she heard Darla ask her what she was interested in after Hogwarts, but she was afraid the woman would probably never get an answer. The surrounding club was far too exciting to soak in for Marlene to partake in small talk.
Eventually, Marlene stopped acting like an overexcited puppy dog who had been taken to a dog park for the first time, so that she could participate in the conversation going on. Predictably, Marlene talks about Laura, the three other women telling her how Laura was definitely struggling internally, but that was no reason for her to treat Marlene that way.
It was Darla and Clark’s turn to recall their life stories. Darla went first, but she took Clark’s hand in hers. Marlene smiled.
“So, just like you,” she gestured to Marlene. “I had wanted to fall in love so badly that I ignored my friends’ warnings and went after this girl.”
Darla smiled bittersweetly, like the memory had once been difficult to talk about, but she was healed now. Marlene had a feeling that the fact Darla could hold Clark’s hand right now had something to do with it, although that was just a hunch.
“She was beautiful, and kind, and loved to help others,” Darla went on. “I couldn’t see how it would be a bad idea.
“When she told me she didn’t want a relationship after she kissed me, I was sad, obviously, but I understood. I wasn’t going to force my hand on her or anything.”
Darla’s bittersweet smile turned into a grimace.
“A week later she had a boyfriend. I was devastated.”
Marlene knew this was an old wound, however, she also knew that in a few years she would never forget what Laura did to her. Hopefully, she didn’t turn into an old, resentful hag, yet it was her right to hold onto it if she felt like it. She knew that must be what Darla was struggling with now, even if she was so much happier.
As Clark squeezed her hand tightly, Darla’s eyes sparkled a little brighter. She got to the other side, part of Marlene wanted to ask for the secret, but deep down she knew there wasn’t one. Each person navigated their shit differently, so she would just have to find out her secret for herself.
Clark’s story is sad too, much to Marlene’s dismay. She hoped that Clark would say she knew she was gay the moment she looked into Darla’s eyes. This was not the case. In fact, her story was so terrible Marlene wished she had put waterproof mascara on.
It went like this. Clark met a beautiful girl at Hogwarts--this caused Marlene to snort because isn’t that how it always starts? Unlike Darla’s story, Clark’s girl had accepted herself for who she was and fell in love with Clark. The two had a beautiful six months together--giggling in the library, partnering for assignments, wandering the school grounds.
It only ended because Clark’s girl was sent away by her parents the moment they found letters going back and forth between them. They condemned their relationship, sending her away from who she had called then, the love of her life.
Clark was broken, yet somehow staying hopeful for her girl’s return home. Another six months had passed, these ones much less joyful than the ones before, and another year at Hogwarts had begun before Clark saw her again.
Her eyes didn’t brighten. She couldn’t smile. No laugh would leave her lips. She withdrew from Hogwarts not a full two months later. Clark hasn’t seen her since.
Marlene could hardly believe her ears. What parents would do that to their child--steal their joy away for the sake of their image? She didn’t even know if that was what they were trying to protect. She wondered quietly if the girl was alright now, and knew that Clark was probably wondering the very same thing.
As the night went on, they transitioned into happier topics of conversation. They asked Marlene how the professors were, if she was excited for the new school year coming up, or if she was ready to be done with Hogwarts already. She answered every question eagerly, soaking in the spotlight.
If there was one thing she knew about herself, it was that she was a massive attention whore. It wasn’t as if she had been neglected as a child, her parents loved her dearly and had never done anything to cause Marlene to crave attention. However, there was nothing Marlene loved more than telling a story and getting an entire room of people to laugh. She sought after it day by day.
This was how she ended up telling the three other girls about each detention she got over the course of the past year. There weren’t very many--she wasn’t James or Sirius, after all--so she might’ve exaggerated her stories to come off as more interesting. No harm, no foul.
She would have forgotten about the rest of the bar had she not looked up mid sentence and seen a familiar face that had been haunting her these days. Standing, chatting to someone at the bar was Dorcas Meadowes. Marlene felt her cheeks bloom with a blush and she immediately ceased telling the rather riveting story.
“Marlene? You alright?” Darla asked, raising an eyebrow.
She was perfectly fine. Dorcas Meadowes was standing in the gay bar she was in that very second. She was better than fine. Fantastic. Amazing. Fabulous. Perfect. Of course, she wouldn’t analyze why she felt those things because she already knew why.
Obviously, she was just excited about finding another queer person to relate to. It dawned on Marlene that you didn’t have to show the bouncer a gay ID to get in, so Dorcas may not even be gay at all. She dismissed the thought, it dimmed her happiness.
“Oh,” Clark said, smiling as she saw who Marlene was looking at. “Do you want to talk to her?”
“Merlin’s balls! Is that your crush?” Belle cut in at the exact moment Marlene decided to throw herself under the table.
“Nope! She’s just a friend!”
Looking and feeling despairingly pathetic, Marlene closed her eyes and wished herself away from this situation. If only her blush didn’t insist upon embarrassing her, then she might be able to handle a conversation with Dorcas.
“If she’s just a friend, then why are you under the damn table?”
Maybe in another life she would handle social interactions with grace and less awkwardness. She longed for that life right about now.
“Marlene McKinnon! Grow some balls and get out from under the table!”
She didn’t. Not until she was sure the coast was clear. By the time she exited her safe haven, Darla was laughing so hard she was crying, Belle looked very unimpressed, and Clark seemed like she had done something very similar to Marlene once. She decided Clark was her favorite.
To save herself from more embarrassment, she got up from her chair to head in the direction of the bathroom. DIstantly, she heard someone say that she might not like what she found in there, but she was too busy scolding herself for acting like a complete nut.
Swinging open the door, she realized she might want to listen better in the future. In all her glory, Dorcas was applying eyeliner in the mirror, too busy with herself to notice that Marlene had been the one to walk in at all. She could have walked right back out, but something in her wanted to stay--perhaps this was Dorcas’s magnetic field not allowing Marlene to leave, or maybe Marlene was more entranced by the girl than she originally thought.
It was definitely the first one.
She walked to the mirror beside Dorcas, looking at herself in it as the other girl finished her makeup and turned towards Marlene. She could see the moment the dots connected, her smile brightened.
“Well, if it isn’t Marlene McKinnon!”
Dorcas seemed much happier to see her than Marlene thought she would, and she couldn’t help herself, she blushed.
“Dorcas Meadowes! Lovely to see you here.”
She meant that sentence with every fiber of her being. For some reason, Dorcas made her unbelievably nervous, yet she was so happy to be around her. Marlene knew her smile brightened when she saw the other girl too.
Nearly stuttering out her next sentence, Marlene was desperate to prolong this interaction for as long as possible. She told herself she was bored and needed to spice up her life, no other reason she wanted to talk to this beautiful girl in front of her.
“Your eyeliner looks lovely,” Marlene said in a quieter tone than normal. “Would you mind doing mine too?”
“Sure!” Dorcas said as her eyes sparkled.
As she did Marlene’s eyeliner, she rambled on about all the different colors she had at home, and how well her blue one would suit Marlene’s eyes. For Marlene, it was hard to hear anything when Dorcas was so close to her. She could practically count each eyelash. Her hand cupped her jaw and Marlene felt like she stopped breathing for a moment.
Just a beautiful girl. No other reason Marlene would have that reaction. No, none at all.
…
Change suited Marlene, she decided. Her hair now sat on her shoulders, whereas fifteen minutes ago it was halfway down her back. Lily’s mum had cut her hair before, but today she had outdone herself. It was an impromptu event, only happening because Marlene hadn’t stopped complaining about her hair length since early March.
She admired the new layers in the mirror. It went well with this new image Marlene had conjured up in her head. Her goal was to be perceived as strong--passionate, secure, tough. Since she had added eyeliner and golden earrings lined her ears, Marlene was pleased.
A part of her hoped that by altering her appearance just enough, it would stop her from being mistreated in the future. Another part of her knew that that wasn’t how it worked.
Lily hummed next to her as she put her laundry away. She wore a yellow summer dress that made her long auburn locks stand out. A natural beauty, Marlene was sure Lily wasn’t aware of the effect she had on other people--except James, everyone knew about the effect she had on him.
Speaking of Potter, he had gotten them all invited to a party at the Shacklebolt’s. It hadn’t occurred to her before, but James had actually become quite close with Kingsley when their time at Hogwarts had overlapped.
Marlene laces her black converse, thinking about everything and nothing at all. James had assured her that Laura wouldn’t be there--even if Marlene hadn’t asked. He just found information out like that because he was a good friend. She missed him, even if it had only been two days since she had seen him last.
Growing up together had allowed the two to see the ins and outs of each other’s brains by the time they were eight. Of course, Marlene and James had stuck by each other when they made it to Hogwarts, but they also made new friends. She found out what it was like to have a close female friendship--indescribable really, the way her and her friends loved one another was something she couldn’t put into words. While he found the marauders, figuring out what it meant to take care of each other as tween boys.
She loved all her friends so dearly. She hoped they knew that.
“Lily, you know I love you right?” Marlene blurted as Lily slipped on her sandals.
“Forever and ever,” Lily replied, smiling at her as she did.
…
The Shacklebolt’s know how to throw parties. After all, they had been doing it for quite some time. Marlene had heard it was one of their family’s genetic traits, passed down from generation to generation.
Whatever it was, Marlene was happy to be a part of it. She had made her way to the backyard with Lily, helping herself to the spread of food they had. At some point, Pandora and Mary found them, immediately discussing how they had almost bowled over Kingsley’s older brother. The tale was quite funny with Pandora’s dramatics and Mary’s clear embarrassment.
“And I see you saw Lily’s mum today, Marlene,” Mary said, pointing out her hair.
She laughed and spun around. There was little she loved more than some attention.
“Do you like it?”
“It suits you.”
“Yeah, I know someone who would love it,” Pandora said, looking smug.
Before Marlene could ever find out who this mysterious person was, James Potter ran over to her, and quite literally, tackled her into the grass. They start laughing like they did as children, both feeding off the social energy around them.
“Lene! I’ve missed you.”
“I just saw you two days ago, Pothead!”
She throws some grass at him as she rolls onto her stomach to look around. Not one person looked out of place.
Marlene loved social situations outside the walls of Hogwarts. This wasn’t to say she didn’t love the school and the memories it had so kindly offered her, just that without the weight of professor supervision and constant deadline pressure, people were able to act more freely.
James rolled over onto his side to look at Marlene. She smiled and threw some grass at him.
“Your hair looks nice,” James said, grabbing a piece and twirling it around his finger.
“Why thank you,” Marlene preened under the compliment. “Lily’s mum cut it earlier.”
At the mention of the one person he couldn’t stand a day without looking at, James scanned the crowd for one Lily Evans. It didn’t take him long to find her, seeing as he had some sort of Lily radar that made it easy for him, and when he did he sighed like the lovesick fool he was.
“She is so pretty.”
Marlene snorted, knowing that when she told Lily about this later she would never believe her.
The two have been on better terms recently after James apologized for the past five years of relentless nonsense. Marlene had been one of the ones pushing for him to do so, following the blow up post exams. She liked when her friends all got along. In a perfect world, she would be able to hang out with the marauders and her girls at the same time, this has been too much to ask because of James and Lily’s feud, but perhaps, this was the beginning of something completely new.
Needless to say, she was excited for sixth-year.
“Remember that time I threw up on your shoe?” Marlene asked, cackling when James frowned in her direction. He crossed his arms like he was still displeased by the memory.
“Right after you ate my dandelion! I mean, what did the poor dandelion ever do to you?”
Instead of answering, she continued to laugh picturing their mothers having to come outside in the middle of their book club to see what their spat was about. It seemed that they were able to sort out all of their differences that day since they hadn’t gotten into a fight since.
“Did you bring your broom?”
Marlene groaned as she remembered the thing she wasn’t supposed to forget. Apparently there was going to be a pick-up game of quidditch later, one she was excited for, but had obviously forgotten about.
“Seriously, Lene? You need to work on your memory.”
“What am I going to do, Potter? I can’t sit out again that was horrid—Oh! I could steal Sirius’s broom. How mad-“
“Marlene, I knew you’d forget and I brought you yours. Your mother says hello by the way.”
“James Potter, you saint!”
She tackles him in yet another hug before running off to find said broom. Her first objective is to find Sirius, who will clearly be very excited to have Marlene on the quidditch field instead of the sidelines—even if it is just for a pick-up game. From there, she assumes she’ll be able to find her broom around the makeshift quidditch goal posts.
Often, when focused on the prospect of something exciting, Marlene does not pay attention to her surroundings. This has gotten her into a few situations, as it does while she’s skipping around the Shacklebolt’s backyard.
She runs straight into Dorcas Meadowes.
Her apology gets stuck in her throat when she looks into her eyes. Her skin glows in the soft, evening light and Marlene curses her jealousy—because that’s absolutely what this feeling in her chest is.
Dorcas is wearing an oversized quidditch jersey—which Marlene knows is her older brother’s for no reason at all. Some light stalking has not occurred! Thank you very much.
Her white converse are lightly grass-stained. Marlene thinks privately about how the laid back nature suits Dorcas and she wishes she could see her like this more often.
“I am so so sorry, Dorcas,” Marlene says when she comes to. “I got distracted because Pothead brought my broom and-“
“Wait, did you say, Pothead?”
Marlene grows more flustered as the time she stands in front of Dorcas increases.
“It’s a very long story,” Marlene spoke awkwardly, not at all feeling comfortable in her skin.
Dorcas seemed to sense this somehow—she knew Marlene so well for not knowing her at all. They sat in some lawn chairs Dorcas found for them, secluded in a corner in the outskirts of activity.
Usually, when she finds herself outside the action at parties, Marlene grows uncomfortable. She doesn’t want to feel like she’s missing out, or that people might just be having a better time without her there. She forces herself to the center of everything, just to make sure nobody forgets about her.
Sitting next to Dorcas feels different. She’s not sure why she’s so secure next to her all of a sudden. Marlene knows that the girl next to her expects absolutely nothing out of her, which might just be the most comforting thought she’s had in quite some time. She doesn’t need to tell a story, or put on a show, or make sure Dorcas is alright with how Marlene is acting in general because she’s just happy to sit together.
Later, when she thinks about this moment, alternating between looking at Dorcas’s side profile and the clouds covering the sky, she’d wonder whether she would find that ease again. For now, she would soak it in before going on to perform again.
“From one attention whore to not another,” Marlene began, as Dorcas cracked a smile at her word choice. “This is probably the most comfortable I’ve ever felt not being the center of attention.”
Dorcas thought about this for a moment before replying. Marlene wished she could read minds.
“I imagine that gets tiring.”
She hums noncommittally in response. It may be, yet if it was, she wouldn’t really be able to tell since she’s so caught up in it most of the time. Not wanting to admit everything to Dorcas, who surely has better things to do than listen to her musings, she sits comfortably with her thoughts while she still can.
It turns out this is not long at all. Their quiet contentment would be interrupted by none other than Sirius Black.
“McKinnon! It’s time for quidditch!”
She needn’t hear another word. Exchanging a smile with Dorcas before she went, she runs over to James and Sirius, who are already scheming a game plan. She arrives with a smile glued to her face.
“Why do you look like a maniac?” Sirius squints his eyes at her.
“I don’t look like a maniac! You look like a maniac!” She replied defensively, crossing her arms. “I just love quidditch.”
“Oi, focus on the game at hand and then we can figure out why Lene looks like a maniac,” James cuts in.
“I don’t look like a maniac!” Marlene insists, but James and Sirius are already walking towards the larger group of people setting up the quidditch game.
To appease Lily and reduce injury, they never play pick-up games with beaters. This means Marlene is in the lineup of chasers next to James and Sirius. To their surprise, everyone lets them get away with this, even when they’ve been playing together for years.
In goal was the old Gryffindor keeper, Alice Fortescue. She left both the keeper position and Captaincy open, the latter something James pretended not to be excited about for her sake only.
Emmeline Vance had volunteered herself for their seeker spot, for which Marlene was grateful because she really did not want to be on the same team as Amos Diggory.
Marlene went into the game feeling like her team had a pretty good chance of winning, completely ignoring the fact that the other team’s chasers were very capable quidditch players. Nobody ever beat James Potter though, so she reckoned they were fine.
“Black lines up across from Meadowes for the tip-off,” Remus’s voice boomed from the makeshift commentating box. “Longbottom, the very established referee, looks as if he would rather be anywhere else really as he throws the quaffle.”
Marlene snickers, gearing up to catch the quaffle when Sirius bats it to her. Unfortunately, the quaffle never makes it to her because Dorcas beats Sirius to the punch. However, James is ready to defend when the Prewett twins try to start an attack.
They go back and forth like this for a while. As easygoing as everyone promised they would be, the game gets quite competitive. Sirius looks like he wants to push Lockhart off his broom at one point, but this may also be due to Lockhart being who he is.
“McKinnon flies past Prewett 1 with the quaffle. She’s heading straight for Prewett 2 though. Can she make it past-“
Marlene feels the impulse before she knows what she’s about to do. They’re not very far from the ground, so if all goes awry, the crash wouldn’t hurt too bad. Plus, she hears Shacklebolt’s mum is a healer.
“Dear God. McKinnon has jumped onto the back of Black’s broom to avoid Prewett 2. Longbottom blows the whistle. They’re cackling like fools—Oh, of course they are.”
The rest of the match goes relatively normal. Nobody else jumps off their broom after Frank stood his ground the first time—even after Sirius called him a party pooper.
The other team tried their best, but Sirius, Marlene, and James ended up being able to pull a rather obnoxious victory lap. Sirius nearly crashed into the commentator’s box trying to get a victory kiss from Remus. Marlene told James to go talk to Lily after he wistfully stared at the ground. It would probably go fine.
She didn’t realize she was looking for someone until she found her flying above her. Dorcas flew above the party’s scene, at ease with her surroundings. She smlied when she caught Marlene looking at her.
“You sure are a funny lot.”
“Gotta love ‘em,” Marlene says, smiling down at her friends.
She’s so enraptured by the scene below her that she doesn’t catch the look on Dorcas’s face as she looks at her.