JAMES (newscaster voice): Sirius has just accidentally revealed to the whole room that he is, in fact, a bottom, thoughts? (He points a microphone at Mary and Marlene)
MARY: I think we all assumed.
MARLENE: I mean look at him!
The camera pans to Sirius.
SIRIUS: I’m n-
JAMES: Wait your turn, Sirius. Here’s the top. (He points the camera at Remus)
REMUS: James, please don’t put me on camera.
JAMES: The alpha male, if you will.
REMUS: I’m going to kill myself, and it’s going to be your fault. (Remus takes the camera and microphone and points them back at James) How do you feel about that, James?
JAMES: I’m the one asking the questions here! (He takes the camera back) How about you Lily?
LILY: No comment.
JAMES: Peter?
PETER: They don’t know how to lock doors, so I, unfortunately, already knew.
JAMES: Alright, now let’s hear from the man himself. What do you have to say for yourself, Sirius?
SIRIUS: I’m not a bottom, I’m a vers.
JAMES: What do we think, audience, do we believe him? 3, 2, 1–
IN UNISON: NO!
JAMES: Ooh, tough luck, even your boyfriend said no.
SIRIUS: Fuck you.
James turns the camera to himself.
JAMES: A statement which holds much less weight when you yourself are the one getting fucked.