falling
September 1st, 1975
Marlene is falling again. All of her nightmares start like this. It’s her standing on a red dirt cliff falling back on her heels into the pit of darkness. Every time she has this dream she trys to rock forward to keep herself from falling, it never works. While Marlene falls endlessly she sees nothing but black and hears nothing but her mother. Her mother screaming “Marlene you know better. Marlene do not bring shame to the house. Marlene you are worthless. Marlene no one will love you if you’re unattractive.”
The same bloody insults over and over until she wakes up in a cold sweat. After these nightmares she puts her head between her knees unable to sleep any longer.
Normally, they only happen at home, if they were to happen at school Marlene would be finished. But since they only happen in her house, it’s no more a nightmare than everyday is.
Alessandra McKinnon is the epitome of House McKinnon, a no-nonsense, cunning, seemingly perfect woman. My mother is cold and crazy with the notion of blood purity and perfection. She prides herself on beauty without being vain and holds her children to standards higher than the sky.
Alessandra McKinnon also never leaves marks where people can see.
Marlene’s father, Lymon McKinnon is a stone-faced, angry man. He is almost never home and you never want to be home when he is. Lymon has a high paying Ministry job and is a firm believed in pureblood supremacy.
Marlene prided herself on being nothing like her parents. Her parents do not like this.
None of it really matters. When she is home she is Marlene McKinnon “the baby princess McKinnon” a quiet girl, who never talks back, and no matter how hard ahead tries will never do anything correct. At school she is the real Marlene. She’s stubborn, fun, and purely the real Marlene.
It’s start of term tomorrow, and Marlene is ever so thankful. After spending the holiday either getting screamed at, hit, or locked in a closet this sounds amazing.
But right now she is falling.
“Master Marlene”
she hears.
“Master Marlene!”
she hears called again.
She wakes with a start. “Oh hello Ghristly!”
“Good morning Master Marlene! Master! Master Alessandra has sent Ghristly to wake Master Marlene for her journey to King Cross Station!” my little house elf Ghristly rambles. “Thank you Ghristly, you are dismissed. I will see you at Christmas holidays.” I say with a smile. “Yes yes, Master Marlene! Christmas holidays! Christmas holidays…” the house elf mutters walking out of the room. Marlene sighs letting herself fall back on her bed. Her ceiling is pink. Her entire room is pink, her mother’s choosing of course.
Not that Marlene doesn’t like pink. She likes pink, she likes pink a lot. But her mother chose the color because it is “the most feminine” not because Marlene likes it.
Marlene frowns at her ceiling. She cannot wait to be far, far away from this house, from her mother. In her dorm with her two best friends and her normal self back.
She gets out of bed to close her door and get ready. Marlene puts on clothes and fixes her hair. There is a large chance she will not see her mother on her two minute walk to the first level but if there is even a sliver of a chance she at least has to look presentable.
Marlene grabs her trunk and starts the trek down to the first level. She walks through the long dark halls. They seem lifeless, almost as though no one lives there. Past her brother’s rooms which have been stripped bare of any sign of them. Past the closet.
Oh that bloody closet.
Marlene walks to the very bottom level. She is in the entrance parlor five steps from the door when she hears.
“Marlene.”
Oh just my bloody luck. “Marlène. Va à l'école. Ne faites pas honte à la maison. J'espère vous voir à Noël. Ne me décevez pas, jeune fille.” she says in cold French. She grabs my neck, digging her nails in. “Oui maman. Je ferai honneur à la maison.” I say trying my best not to tremble. I feel blood where her nails dig into the back of my neck.
“Répète ça. Mieux. Tu sais mieux fille.” she slaps me. My eyes sting. “Oui maman. J'apporterai l'honneur.” I say praying she doesn’t hit me again. My face feels red and hot. Her hand goes back to my neck. “Bonne fille. Partir.” she says looking at me with no light in her eyes. She squeezes my neck once. I blink only to appear at Kings Cross.
What a mind trip she is. I go to the bathroom beside the platform to freshen up. I look in the mirror.
Honneur et pureté
Shut up. Marlene grabs her trunk to go to the platform. She waits for a moment before going through the brick wall. Making sure there are not Muggles watching. On the other side of the passage she is instantly happier. A step closer to returning to herself, her friends, her life.
She sees a long plait of red hair. “Lils!” she shouts rushing over. Lily turns around to face Marlene. “Marls! Oh dear!”. She wraps her arms around the red head. Inhaling she smells strawberry and poundcake, two of her friends trade marks. “Oh, did you grow? You’re taller than me now!” Lily says releasing Marlene. “Lily, I have always been taller than you.” she knows Lily is trying to distract herself from what Marlene looks like.
Marlene’s hair is long and dark, her under eyes are practically blue and purple, and she looks very thin. Marlene knows she does not look like her normal self, that’s how it always is when she goes back after every holiday.
Changing the subject she asks, “Where is Mary? And the boys?” Marlene looks around. “Mary is on the train, she went to find us a compartment. The boys have business to attend to apparently, but will be joining us shortly.” she says hooking her arm through Marlene’s.
The two girls find Mary in the very front compartment. She sitting reading a book when Lily opens the door. “Oh thank Goddic’s goblets! I thought you were another lot of second years to fight off. Marlene!” Mary says very quickly. “Hi Mare, what’s this I hear ‘bout fighting second years?” Marlene asks with a smile. “Oh, the usual.” Mary says laughing.
Lily and Mary chat while the train takes off out of the station. Marlene chimes in occidental but is focused on resetting her mind from the fucking maze she has been in the past holiday. “Marls, would you like me to do your hair?” Lily asks snapping me out of the trance. “Oh sure. Can you snip it like usual, but do the ends pink and the head washy blonde?” Marlene says having thought about what she wanted this term for her hair all summer.
“Ooh a challenge!” Lily says, “Please stay still so I don’t fuck this up.”
“Believe me, I am fucked up enough Lils.” I say snorting. I feel a sensation in my head as Lily waves her wand. “There you go.” she says standing back to admire Marlene’s head. Just then the compartment door opens.
Four boys all fall in laughing. “Oi, what did you gits do now?” Mary asks smiling. “You’ll have to see won’t you Mary?” James, that fool of a boy says. Sirius sits in between Mary and Marlene, Remus and Peter sit on either side of Lily, and James sits next to Mary.
“Hair looks good Marls!” Sirius says. “Thanks Black” I say. It’s funny, after every holiday we get back Sirius’ hair is shorter and mine is longer. Him and I drinking the poison of the same vine.
“So boys, what are you up to this year?” Lily asks. “Oh you know,” Peter says with a smirk. “Well it can’t be any worse than last year.” Mary hollers. “Those poor first years did not in fact know what to do!” Lily says with an exasperated smile. “Keep your knickers on girls, you will see.” Sirius says leaning his head back with a sparkle in his eyes that means trouble.
“My knickers? With you around Black, they are always off.” I say swooning onto Sirius next to me. “Oh McKinnon, not in front of our friends.” he says smirking down at me. “That’s enough you two,” Remus says. I give him a apologetic look. Oh, the fools in love. “Yeah, there are children here” James says, “Peters here!”.
“Oh Merlin! I am older than you Prongs!” Peter says.
The rest of the train ride and feast are relatively calm, accept for the fact the Marauders stuck all the silverware to the table. The bastards thought it was hilarious.
-
Later in the girls dorm, Mary is folding her robes, Lily is brushing her hair, and Marlene is organizing her records. At half past eight there is a knock at the door. Mary opens it and finds Sirius standing there. “Is Marlene here?” he asks rubbing the back of his head with his right arm. “Oh uh, yeah mate.” Mary says. Marlene rushes over to the door. “Talk in the Common Room?” she says walking out the door. “Yeah okay.”
They sit down on the sofa in front of the fireplace. Nobody is in the Common Room because they are all settling in to their new dorms. The fire cracks and nobody speaks for a long while.
Finally, Sirius says, “How was summer?”. “Honestly? Not great, it was just my mother and I. Alessandra and I got along delightfully! Her up to the usual antics, look at the back of my neck, my hands. I’m sure as fuck not showing you my thighs or torso, but you can guess.” I say look at the ceiling.
“And Wallburga and Orion?” I ask staring up at the ceiling with tears stinging at my eyes.
“Their usual dreadful selves. Wallburga was riled, she is not happy about my performance in school. The usually moments. At least I had Reggie, he’s quieter now, still doesn’t know how to take a hit. I live the bastard to death though. It doesn’t help that I don’t fake myself anymore. Provokes both of my parents. It’s all grand.”
Sirius says his voice cracking more than once.
I’m not looking at him when I say, “My mother still has her… specialty. She kills me over and over again to be perfect. Alessandra started locking me in the closet. With my mouth spelled shut, only taking me out to beat me. I don’t get food then, she told me I got fat. I lost ten pounds.” I say looking at Sirius. He is a shell of the boy he tries to convince everyone he is. No longer a laughing casanova.
He looks tired and sad. Like he is all cried out. I grab his shoulder and pull him close. He hides his face in my shoulder and starts to cry. “I can’t even do anything about it,” he sobs, “it hurts Marlene. So much.”.
“I know. I know.” I say rubbing circles in his back over and over.
Because I do know. I really, really know.
We sit like that for a while the fire crackles. And Sirius and I sit.
We sit and he cries into my shoulder and I feel a single tear roll down my cheek. We sit.
When he finally stops crying, he stands up. “Well as fun as this has been McKinnon. I have to meet up with the mates.” Sirius says. It is almost like he slid into a new skin. One without his trauma and struggles. “Right that is Black.” I say shooting ip. I morph into a new skin the same way. We walk away stupid, fake yet real grins on our faces. We walk twords our separate dorms. “Sirius?” I ask turning around. “Yeah?” he asks facing me.
“Do you tell them? Your mates?” I ask, a bit scared. “I’ve told Moony and James about me, yeah. I’m guessing Peter assumes. Not about you though.” he says.
“Do you?” asks. “Merlin, no. They don’t need to worry about me like that.” I say.
I don’t say, I wish I could tell them. I wish I could make them understand.
“Night Black!” I say turning around before he can answer.
“Night McKinnon!” He says.
I lie awake to the sounds of Mary and Lily talking. Even when they stop talking I lie awake.
I do not have a nightmare that night. Probably because I barely sleep at all.