Learning and relearning
There really wasn’t too much difference between the roles of female and male elves that Tauriel could tell. Mostly tied up in that only females could bear children so there was a reason to be protective of that. Yet they were not restricted from any occupation. There were some patriarchal influences when it came to royal lines and ruling. She mostly found that to be a bunch of bullshit. Nor was it heavily used in Middle Earth currently as Galadriel was most definitely the ruler of her domain, even if her husband backed her up. Celebrian was the Lady of Imladris and woe to the one that forgot that she ruled with her husband.
If there was something that was passed from mother to daughter, Tauriel had no way to learn it. Oh she was sure that Celebrain and Arwen would be happy to teach her things, but that wasn’t the same. Narinzel would be likely willing to help too, and she may be willing to ask at some point. But it didn’t feel right to do so yet. There was another possibility that was close to fitting that role, but would it make her a terrible person to only seek her out now?
Apparently Irmo didn’t think so, as she found herself ‘awake’ in an unfamiliar house after she had fallen to sleep. As a matter of practice she kept to being Gilriant when in their rooms and sleeping. It cut down on her secret being discovered before she was ready. Yet when she found herself dream-walking it was most definitely as Tauriel, and in a house she didn’t know. Though she had a sneaking suspicion of whose it might be. “Irmo, really?” From the valar there was no answer. Instead there was a gasp behind her and she whirled around.
The elleth had hair as red as some of her uncles. Which is where they must have gotten it from. “You look like my Maitimo, but the only new family member is Makalaure’s child who is an ellon?” Tauriel knew that Namos had eventually sent word to Nerdanel that her sons wanted to see her. She also knew from talking to her uncles that she did visit them. Gilriant also received plenty of thanks from them after that happened. It was another part of what went into healing the House of Feanor. Grandfather and her had parted on bad terms because of Morgoth’s influence but even there, progress was being made.
“Hello Grandmother. I am sorry I did not come to visit you before now. I am him but I am also this? It’s um, new and not many people know yet that I can do this. And, um . . . I’m probably doing this all wrong, I’m sorry.” Eyes bright, Nerdanel immediately moved over to pull the elleth into a hug. “Nonsense. You are barely more than a child. It is not your responsibility to visit all your relatives with these dream-walks of yours. You would quickly exhaust yourself if you did so. But I am honored you have chosen to visit me.” Oh, they must have told her how Gilriant really enjoyed hugs to be promptly pulled into one. Tauriel relaxed and returned the embrace.
“They talk about me then?” With a soft laugh the older elleth pulled back. “Talk? More like brag. They are all very proud of you. Now let me look at you.” While still processing that she let Nerdanel keep ahold of her hands as she pulled back and looked her over. “I am sure you are quite the handsome ellon, but you are also a beautiful elleth.” She was taking this surprisingly well. “I suppose after dealing with Grandfather and uncles, you are used to odd things happening?” Tauriel couldn’t quite help but to ask.
Nerdanel laughed, the corners of her eyes crinkling with good humor. While as an elf she didn’t have any wrinkles, there were still times expressions could cause a few here and there that instantly smoothed out after. “I have many, many stories to tell. But first, is it okay for me to call you an elleth like this? I shouldn’t assume. What do you want me to call you?” The way all her family just instantly accepted her, quirks and all, still amazed her. “Elleth yes when I look like this, I go by Tauriel, Gilrient is also okay I just. . . “ As her voice trailed off the older elleth just smiled. “You look just like your father when he was young trying to explain some idea he had in his head.”
Her grandmother must have seen how she was feeling a bit overwhelmed, because Nerdanel just smiled and gently started to maneuver her. “Come, let's have tea, I do believe they said you like tea. This may be a dream but it's also my house and I want you to be comfortable. You can tell me all about what brings you here.” Tauriel let the older elleth guide her along. “Thank you.”
When she was settled at a table with a cup of tea in front of her, Tauriel tried to gather her thoughts. “I, I’ve known for a long time now that I need to understand all parts of me because I need to understand balance and be balanced. But . . . I’ve never really had a mother that I could go to learn those kinds of things. Even in my first life I eventually had a motherly figure, but my birth mother died when I was very young.” She was quick to add. “Celebrian and Arwen have been absolutely wonderful. When I showed an interest in learning some things they never hesitated.”
“But they are your sister and niece, it's not the same thing as having a mother to teach you.” Nerdanel observed shrewdly. “No,” Tauriel answered quietly. The older elleth sat up a bit straighter. “Well this works out perfectly, I’ve never had a daughter to teach and enjoy some of those traditions with.” She gave the young elf a brilliant smile. “It would be my honor if you let me.” Tauriel’s eyes gleamed with unshed tears, even as she smiled. “Thank you.”
She blinked back the tears, “Apologies, I think switching between female and male can make my emotions a little more difficult to handle. Nerdanel just smiled and moved over to hug her. “That does not surprise me.” Her lips quirked. “Besides my boys always had strong emotions, it does not surprise me that you do too.” Tauriel snorted, “I think strong emotions is a bit of an understatement.” The older elleth pressed a kiss on her forehead, and she could feel that family bond strengthening between them.
“First, let's fix those braids of yours.” The comment had Tauriel laughing. “That was one of the first things Atar insisted on. Fixing my hair in braids for a formal meeting.” “Good, I’m glad he has some of his priorities straight.”
*
Haldir lifted an eyebrow. “You want to borrow Gilriant’s violin, to show it to an instrument maker, to see if they could make another one for him?” Legolas faltered at the marchwarden’s expression. “Yes. Do you think that is not a good idea?” Studying the prince, he answered. “Depends on what your goal is.” Visibly confused, Legloas slowly explained. “To give him a gift he might enjoy. I know he picked up those flutes and sent half to his father so I thought he might like another instrument. With the violin being his main instrument and I haven’t seen anything quite the same style, I thought additional ones might be helpful.”
“Which in itself is mostly not a terrible idea.” Haldir stated calmly. “It's the fact that you want to surprise him that you need to rethink.” Legolas stayed quiet while he thought it over. “I suppose I was so focused on wanting to do something he would enjoy that I did not think he might feel about borrowing the violin without his knowledge.” A sheepish expression formed on the prince’s face. “It is pretty important to him, if something were to happen by accident, he would get very upset.” “Now you are thinking.”
Haldir studied him, “Is there a reason you wanted to gift him something?” Legolas frowned at the question. “He is my friend. What other reason do I need?”
*
“While you were gone, I found an instrument maker here.” Legolas had been considering how to approach what had started as a vague idea for some time. After his conversation with the marchwarden, the prince realized the direct route would be the best choice. “I had thought to surprise you by having them replicate your instrument. However, Haldir correctly reminded me you would likely not be pleased with someone borrowing your violin without permission.”
Gilriant raised both eyebrows at that. “I am glad you did not. Yes, that would have upset me. I would like to meet this instrument maker for myself before I trusted them with it.” Then the young elf’s expression softened. “Though, that you were thinking of me is appreciated. You really don’t need to get me anything Legolas.” His friend inclined his head. “I know this. Haldir asked me why I wanted to. It made me think about that.” The young elf waited patiently as Legolas took his time in answering.
“Part of the reason you came here is to learn, yet I have little to offer that you would be interested in. Helping you have additional instruments so that if needed, you could keep the one your father gave you safe, while you ventured out.” Well Gilriant could relate to wanting to help, but not knowing how to do so. Still . . . “Legolas, you are my friend and support me. You are already helping me.”
The young elf sighed, there could be another reason why the blonde prince felt this way and he felt a little guilty. “I am sorry we could not bring you along. I do enjoy having you with me.” Now Gilriant’s lips twitched up in a smile. “Your father more or less said I was not to leave without you again. Something about you being moody?” Legolas straightened up, looking affronted. “I was not. I was perfectly fine and understood why you could not.” “Then you would be perfectly fine not coming on the next trip.” Caught, the Greenwood’s prince hesitated. “I did not say that.”
Biting his lip to keep from laughing at his friend he decided a change in subject might be better than pushing that. “Would you take me to meet this instrument maker? I would enjoy talking with someone and perhaps they would have some ideas. You are correct that additional instruments could be very useful for me.”
*
Maethel offered her a hand up from being knocked down in practice. “I think I would prefer to fight with the bow,” Tauriel grumbled. If Haldir was nearby she probably would be glaring at him as she knew he wouldn’t be able to resist laughing. “Your height and center of balance is different, as is how you move. It will serve you better to get used to that.” Which she couldn’t really argue against. “Which is why we are starting with unarmed practice first,” Erecthel added. “That was a good idea. I’m not sure I would trust myself with a live blade at the moment.” Tauriel hated feeling so clumsy.
There were times she felt that way as a child. But then was frequently reminded she was in fact a child, and still learning. Now she was learning all over again. It helped in a way that she had different names for her differing forms. It helped her keep certain methods for which form straight in her head. Yes the same person, just the packaging was a bit different. And apparently some of the strengths and weaknesses. No matter, this too would pass and she would master this.
*
Okay, Gilriant was starting to consider that keeping the fact he could shift genders quiet from everyone might not be a good idea. He’d gone from a practice as Tauriel, to Thranduil deciding it was time for another drill. It was explain he was already tired and why, or just go with it. Though on reflection there was every chance Thranduil would just consider it another reason to run a drill. After all there were no breaks in battle.
*
Ever since the first lesson with the violin, they had fallen into the habit of practicing something new by the river. Especially when they were not sure yet what they would sound like. In an odd way it actually boosted their confidence to do so. No fake compliments, nor critiques of any kind. Just a chance to be comfortable with it. Which meant Tauriel’s voice could barely be heard above the sound of the water and the harp.
While the handpan could be considered the first instrument they learned how to play well, there wasn’t much difference in playing it as Tauriel then there was for Gilriant. For the harp, her slightly smaller hands meant stretching a little differently. Not too difficult, but still something she should practice. The added bonus that it was a common enough instrument for elves to play. The handpan and violin were decidedly, not.
Her fingers shifted on the strings, and Tauriel found herself wordlessly singing Hey Jude. Having been thinking about her mother frequently lately, the young elf thought she remembered her singing this as a lullabye. To be truthful she couldn’t be sure if this was a memory or wishful thinking. Still it made her think of Lily, and wonder what parts of her were from her mother. There really was no one to ask. Tauriel could only wonder. Rather than letting that depress her she chose to shift her thinking to the parent she did have, and the song changed to an elven lullabye.
Lullabies suited her purpose here. Soft songs that were not easily overheard. Yet they gave her the opportunity to get used to this singing voice. While she knew neither Haldir nor her friends would judge her for it, this wasn’t for them. This was for her. Music didn’t always need an audience.
She sensed the presence before movement came into her peripheral vision. Even as Tauriel, perhaps especially so the trees whispered to her. They knew this one and teased her attention towards his advance. Drawing the song to a close she looked up. “Greetings my lord, and here I thought I had this part of the river to myself.” Legolas’ eyebrows lifted, “I would not think this a good place for music practice.” Considering that she tilted her head.
“I suppose it all depends on what your goal is. For an audience, no this isn’t the place for it. For simple practice for yourself, it works quite well.” She reached for the carrying case for the practice harp. “My apologies for disturbing you then.” Tauriel shook her head at Legolas with a slight smile. “No need, I was about ready for something more active anyways. Just trying to obey one of my trainers instructions that every fighter should also learn an art to be well rounded.” Which was true, Glorfindel was the one that said that. The flute counted for him. She knew another that took up drawing or painting. It was a good enough excuse to be out here alone.
“That . . I had not heard before.” Legolas frowned. “Did your trainer say why?” Tucking the instrument away and lacing up the cover she focused on that while replying. “Fighting is all about destroying something, or trying too. Even in defense. So if all you are doing is destroying, it's not good for your fea. The art of creation, of any kind, helps counter it and bring beauty back into the world.” A smile flickered on her face. “Though when it comes to the case of bad poetry I am unsure that is improving anything.” Glorfindel definitely should stick to his flute playing and skip the poetry if Erestor was to be believed.
“I had not considered that.” He offered her a hand up as she started to get to her feet. “I am unsure if any of my skills would be considered putting beauty back into the world.” Allowing him to help her once she got to her feet she swung the carrying case on her back. “The art of creation can take many forms. Making or fixing arrows could be considered one. Calligraphy, even if you are not the one to create the work, copying it for others to enjoy would be another.” There was more that she could go into about that. But that might start giving away her identity.
“What brings you out here?” Curious that he would be here alone. Tauriel only looked like she was alone. She knew very well Hedwig was close by high up in a tree. Haldir wasn’t far and neither were two of her guards. “That does not matter at the moment. Since you are looking for something active, perhaps it's a good time to continue your archery challenges?” She looked at him with surprise. “You do not need to do that.”
“If I did not want to do it, I would not have asked.” Stumped at that, Tauriel still couldn’t help but to wonder. “Why me though? I am not anyone of importance.” “I think your cousin would argue that,” countered Legolas. “But if you want to know why, you started out treating me like an equal. Not many do that.” That, she knew, could get her into trouble at some point. It was difficult not to treat him like who he was, her friend. Even if he didn’t know it quite yet.
“Yet if I am not respectful my cousin will have my head, and the King would likely be upset.” Tauriel was trying dammit. It was very difficult not to treat Legolas with the informality she was used to. “Somehow I don’t think you care too much about that.” He smiled and started walking. “Or are you too afraid of a little challenge?” With a huff she caught up to walk next to him. “Hardly, I almost beat you in the last exercise.” “Almost does not count, if you actually manage to beat me sometime, then it will.”
“There is no if about it, I will.”
“Not if you don’t practice.”
“Has anyone ever told you that you can be quite annoying?”
“I do believe you are the first.
“I’m pretty sure I’m not going to be the last.”
*
Okay the Greenwood trees were pretty awesome to just find a comfortable spot to sit and think in. There was plenty for him to think about. Fighting the orcs, the Skinchangers, the dwarves, being Tauriel and what that meant. He really needed to tell his family about that sometime soon. Though that was more of an in person conversation than over a letter. Haldir had not so gently suggested he should do that soon. Gilriant would get around to it eventually.
He was sorting through his thoughts when he could pick up on a presence getting closer. Well, at least he knew how Legolas kept finding him. That definitely was going to give his secret away, and soon. The question was, did he consciously know about it and was using it, or was it subconsciously. Gilriant didn’t exactly feel like pointing it out, so that put a damper on being able to figure it out. “You were right about the trees here being excellent to climb.”
Legolas grinned as he settled on the branch by him. “Of course I was. I’m just glad you finally get to enjoy them.” “They also like you, which is probably why you keep finding me in them.” Which amused Gilriant to no end. It happened to be true and also an excellent cover for the other reason his friend kept finding him. “I don’t understand what you mean.”
Gilriant looked at the other elf’s puzzled expression, “What do you mean you don’t understand. You rather instinctively connect with them. It's one of the reasons I was able to set up the temporary wards as much as I could.” The young elf gave a shrug. “I just figured it was also one of the ways you are so good at finding me.” When Legolas’ expression stayed the same, he slowly added. “Or has no one ever taught you about it. It’s not to the depth that would get you into trouble.” Mentally he tugged on Haldir’s bond to get his attention before relaying the conversation back to him. “I honestly don’t know what you are talking about.”
A thought occurred to Gilriant. “Oh, right Thranduil is very sinda, and you take after him quite a bit. You didn’t have silvan close-kin to recognize it and teach you.” Which honestly explained a lot. Legolas was very much in tune with the forest. He likely used what he had subconsciously. The young elf could feel Haldir agreeing with him. “My mother would have then.” The blond elf’s voice was quiet.
Now there really was no way Gilriant could reply to that statement. His own task kept his tongue still on what he knew because of how he knew it. There was no way to explain it otherwise. Except for what he could frame of his experience setting the wards and what the trees could tell him now. “I do not think it is something you need to be concerned about. If it was strong enough to get you into trouble, someone would have noticed before now and said something. I can certainly ask Haldir to check you if you like.” He offered instead.
The older elven prince was quiet a long moment. Gilriant gave him the space to think things over. “You are the one that noticed, could you?” At that the young elf gave a small shake of his head. “I don’t know what to look for, not like Haldir would. While there are similarities between my gifts and what silvan elves can do, I’m still different.” Legolas nodded slowly. “I can understand that.” He still looked disquieted, and the young elf wasn’t sure how to fix that. But he could try.
“All elves can hear the trees to some extent. You are already connected to the forest. It's something that can be strengthened through meditation, but likely you are using it already.” He offered Legolas a slight smile. “As I said, you do always find me when I’m perched up in a tree. They like you, and are already carrying information to you.” Finally Legolas started to relax more. “I suppose you are right.”
“Any particular reason you are up a tree today?” Okay apparently the older prince was ready to change the subject. “Thinking, about how much I have to do, what I’ve already done, what my next steps are.” Gilriant looked out at the forest. “I know everyone says I’m young, I have time to learn and grow. Yet, I cannot shake the feeling I need to learn as fast as I can. Time ticks away like the grains of sand slipping away.” His lips twitched up. “If I were still human I would think over a century and a half is plenty of time.” Legolas inhaled quietly next to him.
“That is not long for an elf. You really think you have so little time to learn?” Gilriant felt another flicker of guilt that Legolas had not been on the trip and present for that little discussion. “Unfortunately yes, something will happen before two centuries go by and I need to be as strong as I can be.” The nudge of guilt became stronger. “Legolas, there are things I want to tell you. Some, I cannot until the time comes for it. Others, I am not yet really ready to tell you. You are my friend, and I do not like having secrets from you.”
Legolas regarded him quietly before replying, “I trust that you will tell me when you are ready. You are my friend, I do not need to know everything about you to know that.” Legolas gave him a warm smile. “And if I figure it out early, I will not hold it against you.” Gilriant shook his head slightly even as he smiled back. “I am not sure I deserve the amount of faith you have in me.” A soft laugh escaped the older ellon. “Is that not for me to decide?” A thoughtful expression spread on his face.
“Of course now that you told me there is something, you’ve increased the likelihood that I will figure it out.”
“Of course you would point that out,” A short huff of laughter escaped Giliriant. “Should I also point out that it is going to be less comfortable to do your thinking in trees soon?” Now the younger elf made a face. “Don’t remind me. It’s going to be shoe season shortly.” Legolas looked amused. “Most people call it winter, not shoe season.” “Well most people also have no issues with wearing shoes, now don’t they?” The blond ellon inclined his head in acknowledgement.
“So what does constitute conditions that make wearing shoes marginally acceptable to you?” Curiosity prodded Legolas to ask. “When the situation would damage me in some fashion. Which is travel, fighting, dangerous terrain, or if there is significant amounts of corrupt energy around.” A short but important list. Gilriant knew he couldn’t ignore any of those situations and hope for the best. “While I do have a high tolerance for pain, my father and brother worked hard to make me realize I did not need to accept it.”
“The more I learn about your early life, the luckier those people are that they are out of my reach.”
“It wasn’t all bad. There were good things in that life. Still, this is the better one. Even if I have to wear shoes soon.”