Dream Walking
“Your husband can be a real asshole, you know that right?” Narinzel tipped her head back in a laugh at the comment. “Of course I know that. It's one of the reasons I fell in love with him. His Eru-given gift of making people angry and standing his ground.” Gilriant blinked at her from his spot lounging on one of the ‘branches’ in her space. “Okay yeah he did that too but I think we have different definitions of asshole here.” Still amused, she hummed. “What did he do this time?” “Decided the best way to make me really angry was to insult my Atar. Which, I know he was doing it to help me and prove a point, was a step too far.” The elleth inclined her head. “Ah yes, sometimes he does go too far, but only when something is worth the effort. So you must be worth the effort to him.” “Why did you have to say that? I was perfectly happy still being mad at him.” She laughed at the pout on his face before her expression sobered.
“How is he, really?” Tilting his head he took his time answering. “Healing, in less pain. It was odd I could see the open wounds on his fea as well as I could see the ones to his face. Interestingly enough he had been doing some of the work to heal those wounds.” Then a grin slid up Gilriant’s face, “then when I was helping him, somehow he could detect the connection I have to you.””And followed it back to me.” Narinzel replied softly, her right hand curling into a fist and going to the center of her chest. “However faintly, I can feel him again. Thank you.”
“He did the work there.” Gilriant pointed out with a soft smile. “I think that is part of the reason he was in pain. A part of him was always looking for you. Refusing to give up completely. So of course his fea jumped on the opportunity when it recognized the link. Sheer bloody stubbornness, you have a pair of strong willed individuals missing you.” A smile bloomed on her face. “My little leaf, I miss him. How has he been lately?”
“He’s apparently also part of the ranks of being slightly over-protective of me.” Gilriant huffed at that, even as he smiled. Outside of Haldir, Legolas was his best friend. So he had shared what he could over the years. While he had also done so in regards to what he knew of Thranduil, it was Narinzel’s son that he knew better. “Someone was being stubborn and I can’t tell if they were just being persistent in trying to get to know me or deliberately trying to be invasive. I swear he channeled his father while scaring the elleth off.” Her eyebrows lifted, “Really? Well interesting.”
She fell quiet again before Narinzel finally spoke again, “I did it for them, you know.” Cocking his head to the side he simply watched and waited. “I hate that I hurt my beloved and left my little leaf without his mother. But if I had not, I feared that which I saw could hurt them and all of the Greenwood.” Gilriant asked softly, “It was that bad?” She nodded sharply. “Yes, some experiment left of Sauron’s that the orcs were trying to make use of. There was just a small group of us and not much time to make a decision. I knew either way our lives were forfeit. I was the only one close enough to do something about what I saw. So I sent Thranduil my love and asked him to make sure my little leaf knew I loved him and destroyed it. That is what cost me my life and sent me into the world of your birth.”
While she talked he slowly moved off his perch to pace closer to her. This was the very first time Narinzel had given him any sort of detail. “That was a very brave thing to do. Especially considering you did not know what it would do to you.” Eyes bright she looked up at him. “I would do it again to keep them safe. The pain I felt is far less than it would be to know they were gone and I could not get them back. I . . . It grieves me that I may have made Thranduil feel that way.” Gilriant leaned on the ‘trunk’ of her ‘tree’.
“What was done cannot be undone. All we can do is come to terms with it so that we can move on.The most important thing is that you do have your connection to him again. You did come back. Which would not have happened if you gave up. You told me before you kept searching for a way home. You did not let your hope die. And in doing so, gave Thranduil back his.” He could see the tears that silently and slowly slipped down the side of her face. Yet she still held a small smile on her face.
“You know, between Haldir and seeing what you and Thranduil have, it’s giving me awfully high standards for any future romantic partner I might have.” Gilriant teased her lightly with a smile. That earned him a wet laugh from her. “As you should. You need and deserve someone strong to stand with you.” Narinzel wiped away the tears from her face. “I bet my Legolas could more than meet that standard.” The young elf shot her an amused look. “Don’t go playing matchmaker now. I doubt he sees me as anything more than a friend. Plus I very much doubt that Thranduil would be interested in having my brand of chaos in a son-by-marriage. Especially when he’s made it clear how much he doesn’t like my Atar.” When she just hummed thoughtfully he shook his head.
“Either way, we are focusing on you right now. That is what is important.” He gave her a sad smile. “I think you are forgetting something. You know what that felt like, because it is what you felt when you were separated from them. Ignoring that won’t make the damage go away.” “That’s not what is important.” Now agitated she shot up out of her perch to pace. “My boys are what is important.” Gilriant watched her pace. “You are important to them. This time and place is for you to heal, you will not be able to leave until you are healed enough.”
“I don’t want to be here, I want to go home!” Gilriant moved to intercept her pacing path. “I hear you, I want to help you.” She stopped short of colliding with him. “Then take me home.” He shook his head slowly. “I cannot, not as you are now. You need to be reinbodied for that to even be a possibility. In order to be reinbodied your fea needs to be healed enough to support your hroa. Getting angry will not help you here. Trying to fight your way home will not help you here. Only by facing what was and what is can you help yourself.” Narinzel balled her hands into fists, looking like she’d much rather punch something at the moment.
“If I stop, it will just hurt.” He inclined his head, his voice quiet. “Yes.” “I’m tired of hurting.” “Sometimes the only way out is in the direction you don’t want to go. But you don’t have to walk that path alone. It’s okay to lean on someone else.” Gilriant watched her patiently, calmly. “I’m not weak.” Narinzel started firmly. “No you are not,” he agreed. “The greatest act of strength can sometimes be admitting you need help, and letting someone help you.” He could see a tremor in her fists. It could be that she wanted to hit him at this point. If it happened, it happened. He would not give up.
“You have already proved you would risk your very existence for those you love. Now it’s time to prove you can be there for yourself.”
*
Gilriant felt a hand lightly stroking his hair as he started to drag himself out of sleep. With a grumbling sound of protest he just tightened his arms around the elf serving as his personal pillow. He could feel and hear the soft chuckle. “Rough night?” That Haldir was long used to his work during his dream walks was both a blessing and sometimes annoying. Mostly a blessing. “Long, but think really productive.”
Having Narinzel start to really face her issues, not just try to fight them, was a bit of a breakthrough. He hadn’t pressed the issue, she brought it up herself. So he wasn’t going to leave until she was ready for him to do so. Or at least ready enough that stopping wouldn’t reverse the progress they had been making. Unfortunately it meant he didn’t get much if any true rest. Having yet to open his eyes he felt more than saw Haldir move to press a kiss to his forehead. “Then rest. Nothing is so urgent that we can’t have a bit of a break.”
While many elves did sleep or had their waking dreams with their eyes open, Gilriant tended not to do that most of the time. In part because of the dream-walking. Or perhaps some odd unintended quirk of what Eru included in his biology. Thankfully Elrond had pointed out that mixed heritages could mean different needs and kept anyone from panicking too much.
“Y’don’t have t’stay.” He would let go of Haldir if the marchwarden wanted to get up. Granted he rather not need to but Gilriant would do it. “I’m right where I want to be.” A hand resumed stroking his hair. Slightly tightening his arms around the marchwarden, the younger elf sent a wave of love and affection through their bond. “Love you too, now go back to sleep.”
*
“You came!” Maeglin’s joyful voice brought a rush of warmth to Gilriang as his cousin moved to sweep him up in a hug. “Of course I did, I promised, didn't I?” While Namo preferred for him to do the majority of his dream-walking within his halls, he hadn’t strictly forbidden the young elf from going elsewhere after allowing him to go visit Fingon. Or Irmo just liked him and enjoyed what he was doing when he dream-walked outside the halls.
When the smith pulled back, Gilriant felt the satisfaction at seeing just how happy and relaxed Maeglin was. “You look good, have they been treating you well?” Now the other elf rolled his eyes. “You were completely correct about some of them trying to smother me. I’m not an elfling for goodness sake.” Now the younger elf just grinned. “You still have far less life experience than pretty much anyone else around. So I’m afraid you are going to have a difficult time getting them to stop. Plus I think you deserve a bit of spoiling.”
“And now you sound like Fingon.” Grinning at that comment, he asked. “How is he doing, and Tyelpe?” The dark-eye’d elf’s expression softened into a smile. “Good. Uncle seems to be thriving having a number of misfit elves to look after. He’s certainly made it clear that this place will welcome all and if anyone has a problem with it, they can leave. Or face him in a fight. I’m pretty sure if anyone took him up on it, more than half the city would be enraged. They’d be lucky to leave without being humiliated in some fashion at a minimum.” Most wouldn’t want to take on the former High King. Especially with not the loyalty he could inspire in others. Fingon cared about people, and it showed. It didn't surprise Gilriant that the elves that needed it most, would see it and return such care to him.
“Tyelpe is enjoying the forges, as I am. He’s come up with all sorts of clever things to help the city.” “And apparently making jewelry,” Gilriant muttered. That earned him a snicker from Maeglin. “Yes that too. Did you like your gift?” He narrowed his eyes at his cousin. “You all are not allowed to conspire with my Uncles to get me more jewelry. They aren’t even Noldor. I don't know why they asked for that.”
“Yes but they do know the customs and want to show that they love you and are proud to call you family.” Which was pretty much the reason he didn’t fight harder against wearing what his family gifted him with. Just enough to keep them from overloading him with it. After all, knowing how much they valued him, even when they were being frustrating, always filled him with warmth. It was not something he would ever take for granted. He knew Maeglin would feel the same. Based on the design it was likely Tyelpe that made the circlet his cousin was currently wearing. “How dare you use logic on me!” Acting mock offended, Gilriant enjoyed the sound of Maeglin’s laughter. This really had been a good thing for him.
“Show me around please. Especially anything you have had a hand in.” “How do you know I’ve done anything?” Gilriant just gave Maeglin a look. His cousin smiled. “Alright then, I think you will find this place as beautiful as I do.”
*
Gilriant gave a happy laugh when a familiar figure swept him up in a hug. “I’m happy to see you too, Grandfather.” It seemed his habit of hugging everyone either was being reciprocated, or spreading. It was also a reaffirmation of their family bonds. Either way it felt good to feel Gil-Galad’s fae and the warmth of affection he radiated. “I have missed you, but you seem to be doing well.” The younger elf smiled.
“I am for the most part. Thranduil has decided to appoint himself in charge of some of the training I’m doing. That’s been,” Gilriant paused, tilting his head as he considered. “Interesting and effective, I think is the best way to put it.” Gil-Galad’s eyebrows rose as he gestured to the younger elf to follow him and take a seat. “Has he now? I know doesn’t necessarily view me in the best light, I also know he’s an excellent fighter and survived where others didn’t.”
Sitting, the younger elf frowned, “Why would he have issues with you?” Gil-Galad took his time answering. “That is a complicated answer. His father fielded one of the largest armies we had while fighting the enemy. I cannot say if there was a miscommunication or if he simply did not trust my judgement. His army attacked and at the end of all the fighting, their prince was their King and only a third of their forces remained.” Gilriant listened avidly, his expression clearing. The story sounded familiar, but it was always good to get multiple perspectives on any event. “Ah, well that would explain some of his attitude in general. Though he appears to not have transferred any ill feelings towards me. Except for the occasional complaining of my more Noldor traits.”
In truth, it gave him another picture of the puzzle that made up Thranduil and his actions. Suffering the loss of his father in a war outside their borders. That combined with the loss of his wife could have been part of the isolationist reputation he had. Fiercely protective of what was his. Not that in itself was a bad thing. A ruler’s responsibility was to their people first of course. Though a wise ruler also knew the greater state of the world could come to affect their own domain. While Thranduil wasn’t actively sharing with him, or looking to Gilriant for more healing of his fea, it still gave him guidance.
With a smile, Gilriant continued, “He’s a very persistent and strong willed individual. In many ways, he’s been very good to, and for me.” “I’m glad. This time of your life isn’t an easy one. Though I still say you are far too young to be taking up any serious responsibilities.” His grandfather couldn’t help but to voice his opinion on that again. Which neither surprised, nor offended the younger elf. “You aren’t the only one to think that. I am more training to take up those responsibilities than anything else. What is better, building the experience I need or just waiting until someone deems me ‘old enough’? I know you were fairly young when they made you High King.”
“Which was in part why King Oropher didn’t trust my judgement. Though I made sure to keep plenty of advisors around me to help, like your brother.” “You inspired a lot of loyalty in people, Grandfather. To the point I’ve had to heavily dissuade them from the idea of crowning me just because I’m your grandson.” He didn’t quite glare at Gil-Galad for that. “I’ve decided if they start that up again I’m going to just try to shove them on Elrond.” That earned him a loud laugh. “I wish people luck with that. Elrond refused to be my heir.”
Gilriant replied thoughtfully, “Maybe he isn’t in name, but he certainly is a leader that many look to.” That got a proud smile from his Grandfather. “Good. He deserves that respect. There are some that did not think him worthy of it, but he always was. Even as a young elf he had a great deal of patience and wisdom.” After a pause, “I miss him, and I am glad to hear he is doing well.”
“And what about you Grandfather, how are you doing?” Gilriant had not been privy to most of the healing Gil-Galad had been undergoing. First because he was considered too young to be exposed to everything that happened. Additionally the former High King did not feel comfortable sharing that with his grandson, and Harry respected that. While he had been helping his relatives, they had other ainur try to help them first.
“I’ve been told I’m making lots of progress,” Gil-Galad replied with a wry smile. “The fact that I died so long ago and had plenty of time to come to terms with most of my life has helped. I have high hopes that they’ll release me soon.” Gilriant beamed a smile. “That is excellent news, are you going to go to Amdirhim then?”
Before his grandfather could answer a pair of voices interrupted them. “Nephew! Why didn’t anyone tell us you were here right away?” The pair of silver-haired ellons moved him to try and both squeeze him in a hug. “Get off me you traitors!” The young elf wiggled even as Gil-Galad moved enough for them to settle one on each side and engulf him. “Traitors, why are we traitors? I can’t think of anything we have done.” Elurin commented, still doing his best impression of a koala. “I think it might have been the jewelry brother,” Elured suggested.
“Yes it was the jewelry. Hedwig delivered it in the middle of breakfast. Thranduil even had a fancy collection of clothing made up to go with it.” Gilriant grumbled at them. “Wait, jewelry?” Gil-Galad inquired, turning to the identical pair of elves. “Why didn’t you tell me you were having that done? I would have had some made up to send as well.” The younger elf groaned. “Not you too Grandfather. I promise I am gifted plenty of jewelry from my family. No one that sees me would think I was unloved, not valued, or unsupported. I’m just keeping it to a minimum as the Sindar tend to not be as big on it and the Silvan elves just don’t value it the same way.”
Privately he vowed not to bring up this topic around Feanor. His other grandfather would likely demand to see what he had and only approve of anything Celebrimbor made. Though likely not the heraldry of it. As well as try to make plans to find a way to make a variety of items to have delivered to Gilriant. As the ainur were still very wary of allowing him any access to a forge while in Mandos’ Halls that would not go down well with anyone.
Unrepentant, the silver-haired ellons simply shrugged as they finally stopped squishing him. “We’ve spent more time among some Noldor elves and we may have acquired some of their habits. We are thinking of settling with Gil-Galad when we are released,” Elured explained. A pleased smile spread across his grandfather’s face. “I would welcome it. While I would be happy for you to reconnect with your family in Valinor, we have spent many years together and I consider you family as well.” Elurin smiled back at him. “We feel the same. It's also a concern of ours that we simply just might not fit in with them anymore. We only spent a relatively short time growing up there after all. We were more raised by humans than elves. You understand us. Other elves that are not from our family on earth, well they had a bit more difficulty.”
“And Amdirhim is a place for any and all. Maeglin did call it the city of misfit elves.” Gilriant pointed out. “They may find you a bit different, but they would not make you feel like you needed to change yourselves to fit in.” The older the elf, the more likely they would be caught up in tradition, or the certainty their way was the correct one. The fallacy of a long lived life. It was easy to think you knew all and best. To forget that just because it was new or different, didn’t make it wrong.
“Still, your birth family may accept you for who you are. I am sure they will be overjoyed to be reunited with you.” Because of their peredhel nature, many thought their souls had gone the way of men. To have them returned would be unexpected and hopefully a good surprise. “They might,” Elured allowed. “Either way, they are not the only family that we have. We will not give up the one we gained.” “Besides, Gil-Galad would get too bored without us.” Elurin grinned widely at the former High King. “Eru forbid I live a peaceful life,” the aforementioned replied dryly.
*
Before him was a sight Gilriant did not ever think he would see. All seven feanorians in Mandos’ halls in one place. They had not noticed him yet, and for a moment he simply relished the sign of progress. The lighter haired Celegorm was a bright banner among the dark and red hair of his siblings and father. It also pleased him to see Feanor sitting neither with his oldest Maedhros, or the ‘most favored’ of his sons Curufin, but between the two youngest. Their healing had all sped up when allowed contact with each other. Family was so important to elves. Isolating them did not do anyone any good.
It was his oldest uncle that spotted him first. “Nephew!” With a laugh he quickly found himself pulled into the middle of the gathering. “Stop hogging the baby!” “I’m not an elfling anymore!” “Compared to us you are.” There was plenty of laughter and hugs as he was passed around. Truthfully he didn’t mind it. Gilriant was far too happy to see them in such good spirits. Even the bickering was the good natured sort. Oh he was sure they would get into plenty of sibling fights and conflicts over time. All families did. Not perfectly behaved all the time no. But they were together again.
Eventually he ended up in front of Feanor who let his hands rest on either of his shoulders with a look of concern. “Tears grandson? What is wrong?” Gilriant shook his head back and forth. “Nothing Grandfather, I am just happy.” Smiling, he moved to wipe them away. “You are all together, and so much better than when I first met you.” In truth he hadn’t noticed the emotion bubbling up that way until it had been pointed out to him.
“Because of you little Raven.” Of course Celegorm, the most animal and hunting inclined of all of them, caught on to that nickname first when he shared it. Quickly followed by Curufin as those pair of brothers often were in each other’s company as soon as it was allowed. Either way he looked over to his fair-haired uncle. “Not just because of my efforts. It’s also all the work you all have put in.” “Perhaps, but it never would have been possible without you. As we have said, you are one of the best things to have ever happened to this family.” Feanor insisted. The rest murmured their agreement.
Gilriant looked around at them all, seeing their gratitude, their happiness, and he couldn’t help but to say, “One day, I will see you freed from the Oath.” “That is not your responsibility, nephew,” Meadhros was quick to respond. “Agreed, our fate is caused by our own actions.” The young elve shook his head in response to his grandfather. “Not all from your own actions. Also from the actions of others. And perhaps this is not my responsibility, but it is my wish. I would see you freed.” Then he laughed. “I have been collecting new names lately, but I think I should share one with you. Atar gave it to me. Not many know it or will know it, but I trust you all with it.”
Reaching up he removed the circlet and turned it around in his hands so the place that normally rested against his forehead would be easily seen. He handed that to Feanor. Thankfully the smith did not make any comments on it’s making, more focused on the name he found inscribed there. “Rador.” He looked at the young elf in front of him. “As strong willed and stubborn as any of my sons I see.” Carefully he twisted the circlet back into the correct position and resettled it on Gilriant’s head.
“I will find a way. It may take me time, but I refuse to give up.”