Pain. That was the only thing Regulus could remember from the christmas break. He knew it would happen eventually, but he at least expected his parents to wait till he graduated. Well, he was wrong. You could say he had a feeling that something would happen. In her letters, Walburga was too nice, too proud, too normal. His relationship with James was too perfect, everything in general was too good to last long. And then it all fell apart.
The day after Christmas Kreacher woke him up with words that made his heart stop. His parents were expecting him in his nicest robes, downstairs in 15 minutes. He immediately knew what it was about. He was to take the Dark Mark today. He couldn't breathe, the world started to spin around him. He quickly got dressed and went downstairs on shaky legs, tripping at every step. When he walked into his fathers office, his parents and few other people were standing in a circle, talking amongst themselves. In the middle of them stood Lord Voldemort, with a grin on his face. Regulus coughed quietly to announce his presence. Everyone turned around and Orion walked up to him.
"Son, today you will fulfill your destiny as the Black heir, and take the black mark. Now bow down to your Lord and say your greetings." With a frightened look on his face, Regulus walked up to the Dark Lord and bowed down saying "Welcome My Lord, it's an honor to meet you." Voldemort took his chin in his hand and made the boy look him in the eyes. "You will make a great death eather young Black. Now stand up straight and reveal your left arm." He commanded. Regulus put his right hand on his sleeve, and hesitantly started to pull it up.
"Hurry up, boy!" Spoke Voldemort. He could already hear annoyance and inpatience in his tone, yet he couldn't bring himself to do what he asked for. "I-i don-" he started stuttering. He knew it was wrong. He didn't want to do this. James would hate him, he would leave him, call him a traitor. Regulus couldn't make it happen. He slowly started to back up, but he was stopped by his mothers voice. "My Lord, i apologize for his behaviour. He's very honoured to take this gift from you." She said as she pushed her son towards Voldemort. "Regulus, lift up your sleeve right now." He could hear anger in her voice, but he was frozen in place, not being able to move. "Imperio" He heard Walburga say, and he did what he was asked for. The Dark Lord raised his wand, muttering some spell he couldn't quite understand and then he felt the most awful pain he's ever experienced. He fell to his knees, screaming in agony, his vision going fuzzy and his ears ringing.
And then it was pure darkness.
He woke up a few days later on his bedroom floor, covered in tears and sweat. His joints, muscles, basically his whole body hurt like a bitch, so he decided to stay on the ground. He looked at his left arm in disgust. The dark mark was swollen and red. He felt like the snake was crawling through his veins, poisoning his blood. He dug his nails into the irritated skin and started to scratch it, hoping that maybe it will dissapear, but it didn't. Tears started to fall down his cheeks, as he thought about his relationship with James. He would definitely break up with him, or worse, he would see Regulus as the traitor. Disgusting death eather that was luring him all this time, and playing with his feelings. And Sirius.. His bond with his brother broke when he escaped from Blacks Manor. Regulus didn't blame him for what he did. He knew his brother didn't belong to this dark world. But thinking of how Sirius would react if he finds out made him want to vomit. Every last bit of hope for changing, improving his relationship with him was destroyed forever. He had no one. He was all alone now. And with that thought, forgetting about the pain, Regulus sprinted to the bathroom. Kneeling in front of the toilet bowl, he emptied his stomach, till he felt acid burn his throat. Choking on his tears, he slowly got up, leaning against the wall. His vision went blurry for a bit, and then he looked in the mirror. His usually grey eyes were almost black now. His collarbones were more visible and sharp then before. He looked like a ghost inside a living body. His skin was the same color as the white wall behind him.
"What do I do now..?" He thought to himself. Sighing he went back to his room, ignoring the pain. He laid on his bed, closing his eyes, hoping that he never wakes up.
The rest of the christmas break was a blur. His parents punished him daily for his disobedience, and hesitation, saying that he brought shame to his familys name. He was constantly in his room, getting the amount of food enough to just keep him alive. He just wanted it all to end.
The ride to Hogwarts was always a good feeling. Finally escaping his parents anger, feeling free just for a little bit. But this time it was different. He sat in his usual compartment, ignoring his friends that tried to talk to him. Instead he took out a book and started reading it. He couldn't really focus on the words, but at least it gave him an excuse not to talk to anyone. When they were getting closer to the castle, he stood up, taking his uniform out of his trunk and went to the bathroom to change. What he didn't expect was the one and only James Potter standing in front of the bathroom doors, waiting for it to be free. "Fuck" He muttered to himself slowly walking closer to him.
"James" The boy turned around to see his boyfriend standing next to him. He smiled, his eyes lightening up with joy.
"Hi Reggie!" He put his hands on the other boys cheeks, caressing them gently and placing a small kiss on his forehead.
"James, not here. Someone can see us." Regulus looked around himself nervously, tugging on his sleeve.
"Don't worry, mi estrella, no one is here, beside Peter in the bathroom.
The younger boy blushed at the nickname his boyfriend called him. Lost in his thoughts, he didn't notice James grabbing his left wrist gently. He flinched away from him, fear in his eyes. The boy looked at him questioningly, but he quickly brushed it off, smirking.
"You wanna change together, love?" He asked raising his eyebrows seducingly.
"We don't have time for this, James. We will be at Hogwarts in 10 minutes." Saying this, he walked into, now free, bathroom closing the door behind him shut. With dissapointment in his eyes, the older boy waited till he finished chainging, and then walked into the room himself.
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Regulus was sitting at the Slytherins table, looking over the students entering the room. Evan nudged him gently in the side.
"Hey Reg, you're not gonna eat anything?" He asked making eye contact with the boy.
"Um, no. I'm not really hungry right now. I ate before the train, so." Rosier looked at him weirdly, but he let it go, and went back to eating his steak. The truth was, Regulus felt that if he ate something, he would throw it all up in an instant on the table. His hands were shaking slightly under the table. Unable to stop them, he started scratching his wrist. He hasn't stopped until he felt wet, warm droplets of blood under his nails. Thankfully, the feast has ended, and all the students started to stand up from their seats, heading to their dorms. He quickly stood up, before his friends would notice something, and walked to the dungeons.
He entered his dorm, pulling up his sleeve. There were couple of scratch marks on his wrist that were still bleeding a little. He decided to just wrap them in some gauze he transfigured from some napkins he found on his desk. Oddly enough, looking at all his trauma from home, pain felt comforting. Besides he deserved it anyways. He had to think of a way to tell James about the mark. But even a thought of him finding out was making him sick. He had to come up with another way to keep him away. He had to make James hate him. Lose all feelings for him. He had to tell him that all this was just a game, a play with his heart. It hurt Regulus, but he couldn't let him know the real reason why.
The next couple of days went the same. He would wake up from constant nightmares at 4AM, lay in his bed staring at the wall in silece trying to calm himself down, get up eventually, skip breakfast (he couldn't risk walking into James in the Great Hall), go to classes, study in the library, and go to sleep. He was hurting so much, but he knew there was no other way.
While Regulus was making his plan come to life, James was trying to figure out what was going on. He was trying to catch his boyfriend in the library, but every time he got there, he was gone.
"I don't know what to do guys." He sighed "We've been in Hogwarts for a week now, and we only managed to exchange a few words, that's it. He doesn't talk to me, he avoides me at all times. I don't see him on meals anymore. I'm worried." He looked at the fireplace, lost in his thoughts.
"I told you mate, my brother isn't the type that would get into relationships. He doesn't deserve you anyway. Only gits act like this." Sirius spoke, visibly irritated. He still haven't got used to his best friends relationship with his little brother."You should just let it go." James looked at him with sadness in his eyes.
"Or maybe he's dealing with something right now. You didn't notice anything weird during christmas break?" Said Remus. "You know, in letters or anything."
"That's the problem!" James was half-shouting now "He didn't even write to me, and he hasn't responded to any of my letters. But i thought it was probably becaouse of his family. Besides he acted normal on the train when we met."
"Prongs, I really think you should just talk to him. He can't just leave you without an explanation." Remus got up from his seat and started to head up to his dorm. "I'm gonna go to sleep now. The moon's close, and I can already feel it. Goodnight guys" He gave a quick kiss to Sirius and went upstairs. Peter followed him not long after. Sirius scooted closer putting his arm around James. They were like brothers. It hurt him to see his best friend hurting. James leaned to his touch, laying his head on the other boys shoulder.
"Padfoot?" He said quietly. Sirius hummed in response waiting for him to finish his question. "Wha-What if Regulus doesn't love me anymore..?" His eyes started to water. What him and Regulus had was.. special. He couldn't think of what would happen if it was to end.
Sirius hugged him tight, making him lay on his chest. "Then he doesn't know what he lost. You're the most amazing person i met Jamie. And if he doesn't see this, he can go fuck himself." He started to slowly rub his back in circle motion to calm him down.
"I don't know what i will do without him.." Tears started to slowly escape James eyes. And all Sirius could do was hug him more and be there for him. He didn't want to admit it, but he was worried about Prongs. He knew he loved his brother, hell, he probably loved him more than he loves himself, and the thought of James going through all this made his heart shrink.
James breathing started to slowly even, and when Sirius was sure that he was asleep, he put him gently on the couch, putting a blanket over him. He took the Marauders Map and wandered his finger around it trying to find his brother. And there he was. Sitting in the Astronomy tower. He put the map down, took the invisibility cloak and quietly exited the common room.
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Regulus was sitting on the cold floor, looking at the stars. He knew James was hurting. He could feel it in his chest. Yet, he knew what he was doing was right. His arm was the remainder. He closed his eyes, sinking into his thoughts. He was awoken by sudden sound coming from entrance of the Astronomy Tower. He turned around to find his brother staring at him with anger in his eyes.
"S-sirius, what are you doing here?" He stood up, trying to avoid eye contact with him.
"Save it. It doesn't matter right now." He walked up closer to Regulus, closing the distance beetwen them. "Will you care to explain why all of the sudden you decide to ignore James? A little reminder, James your boyfriend?" Fuck, he looked pissed. But he knew he couldn't tell him why. So he decided to lie intead.
"Not like it's any of your buisness, but let's just say, i got.. bored?" He tried to fake a grin but he was unsuccessful. Sirius looked at him with fury.
"Bored? Are you fucking serious right now Regulus?" He grabbed his left arm trying to get his brother to look at him. What he didn't expect was a sudden flinch and a hiss of pain coming from his mouth. The younger boy looked at him with fear and tried to take his arm away from his grasp. But Sirius was faster than him. He immediately knew. He pushed his sleeve up and gasped in shook.
"What the fuck Regulus?!" He backed away a few steps. "You gotta be fucking kidding me right now! You joined them? You bloody traitor!" He screamed in anger. All Regulus could do was look at him.
"Sirius, y-you don't understand! They forced me, i didn't want to do this! Please believe me!" He was at the verge of tears now. Sirius looked at him with a disgusting look on his face.
"And you have the guts to lie right now? That's why you were avoiding James right? You fucking coward!" He took a few quick breathes. "You have two days..Or i tell him myself, and believe me it will be so much worse if he hears it from me, not you." He stood still for a bit and opened his mouth. "You're just like them. Rotten to the core. Don't call yourself my brother anymore." And with that he left Regulus alone with his thoughts. Finally his knees gave out, and he dropped to the floor, trying to gasp for air. He clunched his chest tightly. Tears started pouring from his eyes, as he struggled to breathe. His vision started to go blurry, as he felt his throat clench. He leaned over and threw up. The acid burned his mouth, making him cough. He pulled his wand out of his pocket and put it to his right arm. He needed pain, othervise he wouldn't be able to calm down.
"Diffindo" The spell made a couple of cuts across his arm. With a short inhale he felt the pain go across his whole body. It wasn't enough. He casted it a couple more times. He looked down. The blood was slowly dropping onto the floor, and with that he was slowly starting to calm down. After a while he got up, picking up his things, casting a quick Tergeo to clean up the blood.
The next day he went up to the Gryffindor common room entrance. He knocked twice, and after a moment the portrait opened.
"Regulus? What are you doing here?" Remus looked rather shocked to see young Black in front of him.
"Could you give this to James?" He said handing out Remus the note he held in his palm.
"Um sure but.." He took the note, scanning the younger boys face. It was dull, almost with no color to it. He had deep purple bags under his eyes, and his usually neat hair were matted and unbrushed. "Are you okay?" He looked rather concerned. No matter what, this was his boyfriends brother. "I can go get Sirius if you wa-"
"NO!" He shouted. "Sorry. It won't be necessary. Thanks Lupin" And with that he walked back to the dungeons.
Remus stood there for a while. Finally he turned around and walked upstairs to the boys dorm. He walked in, seeing Sirius playing chess with Peter, clearly losing, judging on the look on his face, and James sitting on his bed staring at the wall.
"Hey Prongs, i have something for you." He walked up to him, handing him the note. "Regulus was here, he said to give you this." Both Sirius and Peter looked at their friends with curiosity.
"Thanks Moons" He took a few breathes, then finally opened the note, studying it carefully.
Meet me at the Astronomy Tower. 10PM.
R.A.B
James held his breath while reading the note. He looked at the clock. 8PM. He had two hours before he knows the truth.
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Regulus was pacing back and forth around. He's never been so nervous in his entire life. In a minute his life will fall apart. His arm was still hurting from the cuts, but he did a great job at hiding it. Suddenly he heard a small cough. James was here. He turned to him, his heart racing as it was about to make a hole in his chest.
"Why did you want to see me Regulus?" The younger boy could hear the hurt in his voice. It broke him that he was about to hurt him even more.
"James, listen.. I have to tell you something." His breathing started to get more shallow, but he kept going. "I-i know that I've been ignoring you for the past week, and.." He couldn't do it. He couldn't say another word. He couldn't breathe, I CAN'T BREATHE
"Hey mi estrella, try to breathe okay?" He took the boys hands in his. "Whatever you have to tell me, we will figure it out, okay? Just breathe, please" James was starting to get really worried. He only saw Regulus like this after he came back from his parents house after Sirius escaped to his place. Something was really wrong.
"N-no I can't.." He took his hands out of James grip. "I've done something.. really wrong." He backed up a few steps and slowly pulled up his left sleeve, revealing the black snake tattoo. James stopped breathing for a second. He just looked with shook on his face.
"P-please say something.." Regulus eyes started to water. Hes never seen him like that. With that look of shook and dissapointment.
"Y-you- What? No, it can't be. Why?" He started to back up away from the little boy.
"J-jamie, please they f-forced me! I didn't want this, you have to believe me!" His voice cracked from the hurt.
"Don't call me that." There were tears falling down from James eyes. "You picked. I told you multipule times that there is always a place for you at my house, but you decided to stay. You brought it upon yourself Regulus. I-i can't believe you." James was shaking slightly as he prepared himself for what he was about to say. "It's over Black. You chose your side of the story. Don't speak to me ever again. You're dead to me." He said as he started to walk away from him. Regulus seeing that grabed his arm trying to stop him, but he pushed him away, which led to Regulus triping and falling down to the floor. He watched the love of his life, his sun, his only will to live walk away from him. And he knew that it was over.
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He was a corpse of a human. He didn't go to classes anymore. He didn't care. He didn't eat. His friends were trying to force him to, to shower, to talk to them but Regulus just laid in his bed all day. On one particularly cold night, he decided that he will end this. The pain didn't help anymore. His whole body was covered in cuts. The only clean space was his left arm, where the mark was. He quietly stood up, not wanting to wake up Evan and Barty. He grabbed some parchment and his quill and headed to the astronomy tower.
He wrote three letters. One to his friends, Pandora, Evan and Barty, how he thanks them for making his life at Hogwarts more enjoyable. One to his brother, that he apologizes for everything he's done, and he will never forget him. And finally one to James. His sun. He thought of sending a letter to his parents, but he decided that they don't deserve it. When he finished writing he send them with his wand to their owners. They were all sleeping anyway, and will find them tommorow morning. He then took his wand in his right hand, glanced at the stars one more time and then everything went black.
James couldn't sleep. He was laying in bed with Sirius after having another breakdown from what Regulus showed him. He hated himself for loving him still. But he had to let go. Suddenly he heard a little flop next to him and the asleep boy. He picked up the parchment and opened it with curiosity. What he never imagined was what it contained.
Dear James,
First of all i wanted to apologize. I know it doesn't mean anything, but i still have to say it. I never wanted it to end like this. My parents, you know what they're like. The day after christmas they called me for a meeting. He was there. I tried to resist, I really did. My mother casted a Imperio on me. I know this doesn't atone what i did. I just wanted younto know that i would never do this willingly. I love you with all my heart. You teached me how to be a better person. You will never forgive me, i know. Please, take care of Sirius for me. Talk to that Lily girl that you liked in the second year. Make people laugh. And forget about me. I didn't want to leave like this but i have no other option. I love you so so much mon soleil.
Always yours
R.A.B
"No, no no no no no!" He screamed, not caring that he will wake up the boys."Sirius! Sirius get up, right now!" He shooked him, till he saw him open his eyes confused.
"Prongs, what's going on? It's the middle of the night." He was extremely confused.
James showed him the letter, and while Sirius was reading it James checked the map and woke up Remus and Peter. "Go inform Poppy, quick!" They didn't even question him, they just ran while the other two boys went sprinting to the Astronomy Tower.
When they got there they saw a small body crumpled up against the wall. "Regulus!" James shouted, with no answer. He kneeled in front of him. There was blood. A lot of blood. He tugged the small boys hair behind his ear and checked his pulse.
"He's still breathing Sirius!" James looked at his arms with horror in his eyes. His left arm was covered in blood. He could see his flesh under the broken skin, just like he was trying to cut off the mark. Regulus lips were purple, and his skin so pale. He looked like a ghost. He quickly put a clean cloth Sirius handed him to the younger boys arm.
"Quick! We gotta get him to Poppy!" Said Sirius. James picked up the boy gently, afraid that he will dissapear any moment. The boys ran as fast as they could to the infirmary. Sirius was crying. He could sense it by the way his breath hitched. But yet James himself couldn't produce a single tear.
When they got to the Hospital Wing, Madame Pomfrey was already waiting for them. "Oh my poor boy.." She said. "Potter put him in this bed and stand back" And that's what he did. Except he couldn't leave the younger boy side. He was holding his hand, unable to let go.
"Mr.Potter, you have to let me heal his wounds, stay back." Ordered Poppy. But James was standing still, his eyes focused on numerous cuts on Regulus body. He could feel someones hand trying to pull him away, but he pushed it back.
"Prongs, you have to let go. He'll be okay, c'mon." That was Remus voice. Slowly he pushed James away from the bed.
"H-he can't die.. He can't "He was struggling to breathe, his chest raising and falling rapidly. "Hey you have to breathe, Jamie" Another voice "Let's go get him on that chair" Someone said again "Breathe Prongs, deep breathes. Just like this, you're doing great bud." He felt himself calming down a little, and then it caught up to him. Tears started to bowl out of his eyes. He covered his face with his hands and cried, and cried, and cried.
After a while Poppy told them that she's done. Regulus will be okay, but he lost a lot of blood so he will stay asleep for a while. She didn't have a heart to kick them out of the infirmary, so the three boys just layed in bed, slowly falling asleep one by one. James was the only one sitting in a chair nex to his ex-boyfriends bed. He could hear muffled whispers from where Remus and Sirius layed, cuddled into eachother. He glanced at the young boys body. His arms were covered in bandages. He gently kissed them and watched as his chest was slowly raising and falling.
Regulus was in pain. It surrounded him. It was radiating through all his body. He slowly opened his eyes. The first thing he saw were white walls. The Hospital Wing. He failed. His breathing was getting shallow. He shifted slightly, and then noticed James sitting next to him, sleeping. He tried to sit, but he couldn't. He had to get out of there, finish what he started. It couldn't be like this. He has to die. With a struggle he slowly sat, leaning on the wall behind him. Just as he wanted to stan up and run, James opened his eyes.
"Reggie, hey no stay still, you can't move love." Why was he so nice? He betrayed his trust, he should be screaming at him. He doesn't understand. "Hey mi estrella, calm down. You're okay now. It's okay" He said as he brushed the younger boys hair out of his face. Regulus looked at him with pain in his eyes.
"I'm sorry, i'm so sorry.." his tears started to drop onto the sheets.
"It's alright Hun, it's okay." James gently wrapped his arms around him, kissing him on the cheek. "Te amo mi estrella" He whispered. Regulus melted into the touch, letting all of his emotions out. After he calmed down a little, Sirius who was now awake stood next to him with red, puffy eyes.
"You scared the shit outta me Reg. Don't do it ever again" He said hugging him "Im so sorry my little brother, so sorry" They stayed like this for a while, Sirius whispering his apologies to the little boys ear.
"You're not going back there Reggie. I don't care how mad your parents will be. They can fight me if they want, but you're going home with us."James stated, and Regulus knew he couldn't protest. So he just nodded, smiling slightly.
He will be okay