Chapter 13
Monday flies by. I try my hardest to focus with year 11 being a more important year and all. My thoughts keep escaping my control and before I know it at lunch I am unconsciously scanning the hall for a Regulus that is nowhere to be seen. Evan and Barty are there so a part of me can’t help but feel worried he's somewhere all alone. I refrain from getting up in search of him because Sirius is having a conversation with me. I look over to my friends with a warm smile playing on my lips. I glance over at Remus who is fondly looking at Sirius as he animatedly talks. Sirius needs someone with the patience for all his drama and Remus has it. If only they could get past their disputes that are just hiding the fact they have both been in love with each other since year 8. I remember when Sirius came to me worried about the ‘movement in his stomach when he looked at Remus.’ A bit of a gay awakening. He had a moment or two of worrying since his parents were against everything including being homophobic. He got over it by the next day when he exclaimed to me that he wanted to kiss Remus Lupin. He viewed his newfound sexuality as yet another way of secretly rebelling against his parents.
I go throughout the rest of the day pushing the thought of Regulus to the back of my mind every 10 minutes. We go to the oval and kick around a ball with Peter failing attempting to get the ball off either Sirius or I and Remus sitting on the grass reading his book. I know Sirius played it off but I think being kicked off the team was a bit of a punch in the gut. We always used to talk about how we could be co-captains. At least we still get to play together one v one. It's not the same but it's something. We finish off and sit on the grass together chatting lightly. A big part of me wants to go to the astronomy tower to see if Regulus is there but Sirius is already suspecting that I’m avoiding him. I didn’t realise I was until he jokingly brought up that I had ‘been off with some new best friend’ when I snuck in late. I insisted it wasn’t that but I can understand him being more sensitive about thinking I could or would ever get a new best friend. Sirius is it for me in that regard, I love him like a brother and also on another level entirely. We get up and head back to our respective dorms. Sirius and I watch another episode of the show we are watching. We both have a tendency to talk to the show as if it can hear us. When watching movies with others people have found it annoying but for us it just adds to the experience. I shut the screen and make Sirius get into his own bed to sleep. He whines like he always does not want to sleep but he goes anyway. He used to have the worst sleeping habits but they have gotten better.
Tuesday morning I wake up at 6 ish and have time to go for a run before I get ready for school if I hurry. I stuff some things into a bag and run down to the oval. I spot someone's stuff before I look over to see someone already doing laps, it's Regulus. He's running in the opposite direction so before I can think of it I'm sprinting over there to catch up. He's slightly startled as I show up but plays it off to be nothing. His gaze on me was harsh and uninteresting.
“Hey,” I say nervously, “Just start?”
“Yeah” is all he says and we run side by side. About 3 and a half laps in Regulus turns to me, goes to say something but stops.
“How was yesterday?” I desperately need to break the ice that has refrozen between us.
“It was fine.”
“Cool cool,” I say looking down at my feet. All of a sudden I’m tripping over my own feet, face planting right into the grass. “Oof” I exclaim as I hit the ground.
“Shit James' ' Regulus says, leaning down. I turn to flop on my back still winded, to find Regulus leaning over me, badly masked concern splayed on his face. “Are you alright?” He asks and I can't help but smile as the warmness in my stomach comes back to me. God he's beautiful.
“I’m alright now.” I say staring right up at him. He clears his throat and offers me his hand. I take it and allow him to help me stand up, the touch of his soft hand on mine sends a shiver down my spine, electrifying my whole body. Our hands linger even once I’m upright and stabilised.
“I guess we should finish for today.”
“Yeah that's probably for the best.” I say half listening, looking down at our interlaced hands. He drops them abruptly and walks towards our bags. We head to the locker room and hop into the showers. Once I get out I go to the individual space to get changed. When I’m finished there Regulus is pants on, back to me. I stop and stare at the curve of his back, the dimples at the bottom of his spine and the small dip in his waist. Wanting nothing more than to run my hands on his skin. I gulp down, taking two steps towards him. I get two more before he turns around holding his shirt in his right hand about to put it on. He stops in his tracks noticing the minimal distance between us. I follow his gaze to see him staring at my wet hair. His hand twitches beside him as if he is going to move it. I step ever so closer and I can hear his breath hitch. I lift my hand to go into his black curls.
“May I?” I say. He breathes in harshly and nods once, “Yes?” I say a soft whisper
“Mhm, yes” He says voice hoarse. I lift my hand slowly and dive it into his hair. It’s unimaginably soft as I run my fingers down from the front to the back to the nape of his neck. I pull him in slightly and stay there looking at his light pink lips. I glance up to his eyes and they are alight with something new. He's looking down at my lips as well and before I know it they are on one another and we are kissing. It starts of slow and then he opens up and the second he gets a taste its fast and reverent. Next thing I know my back is to the lockers and he's pressed up close enough to feel the bulge in my pants just as I feel it in his. I adjust my thigh in between his legs and the sound. Oh the sound that escapes his lips is delectable. I bring one of my hand to trace down his back as his rifle through my hair, not breaking the kiss. We do have to breathe though so we break apart staying so close our foreheads are touching. We glance down to where I am pushing my leg up against Regulus who is thrusting rhythmically into it. A smile creeps onto my face and the second he gets a look at it we start kissing again. As if he wanted to taste the smile. The thrusts become more frantic and I let out a moan in response to Regulus’ which sounded close to my name. He brings one hand from my hair and slides it up my shirt feeling all over. I feel myself go tense then get caught up in the sensation of us kissing that I can’t be bothered to worry about anything. If only we could never stop kissing. Just as I’m thinking this Regulus thrusts twice more before shaking coming down from climax. I gently continue the movement as he clings to me head stuffed into my neck. Once he's more recovered and I’m still in absolute bliss after witnessing the sounds he made. I notice that he's still shuddering but from, crying?
“Regulus? Reg, darling?” I ask tenderly to put a little bit of space so I can see his face properly. His eyes are watery and red, a tear falls down his cheek as he slumps against the locker room sitting with his knees huddled to his chest. I sat down next to him.
“What's happened, I’m sorry.” This doesn't seem to help as he lets out a sob.
“Don’t don’t apologise,” He says through tears, slowly calming himself down.
“Ok, ok I won't, just breathe love. Talk to me.”
“I don’t know what's wrong with me, it was my first time.”
“First time kissing someone.”
“Yeah..” he pauses, looking to his knees again, “and getting off.”
“Oh you’ve never.. Right, well that's fine.”
“I thought I would feel- dirty, I don't know. But it didn’t it felt good.”
“And that's a problem?” I say softly
“Yeah well cause it confirms.. Confirms that I’m gay.”
“Oh, there's nothing wrong with that.”
“I know, but a part of me doesn’t at least not for me, I didn’t want to be.” I don’t know what to say to this, I have always been open with my sexuality probably because my parents were always so accepting when I told them I had a crush on the weatherman. Regulus calms himself down, checks his watch and gets up.
“Gotta go.. Bye james.” He grabs his bag and leaves. Leaving me there knowing I should get inside to have breakfast before class but I stay seated. This was a confusing morning and all I can think about is I need him. Regulus makes me feel things I didn’t know I could and if some internalised homophobia is going to stop him from allowing himself to talk to me then I don't know what I'll do. I just want to help him, to make him accept himself.
I reluctantly get up and head to class without breakfast because I don't have time. I’m extra hungry by the time lunch rolls around and I am halfway through when Sirius shows up with his food. All of a sudden my appetite is gone as a rush of guilt floods over me. What did I do? His little brother, seriously James. If he finds out he would kill me.
I avoided him for the rest of the day, busying myself with studying in the library. He begins to get suspicious after one afternoon of me doing this and I know I can’t keep it up but there's no way I could tell him. What is there to tell? Oh I hooked up with your brother leading to him having a crisis and before that we have been sneaking behind your back for months to be friends. Yeah not going to happen. After we get back from dinner I opt for an early night where Sirius Remus and a few others were headed to the common room. I truly try to fall asleep but I’m awake enough to hear Sirius walk in at around 10.45.
“James,” Sirius calls a faint whisper, “are you awake?” I don't answer because I'm half asleep and he lets it go getting into his pyjamas then into bed.