Regulus has always been a viewer to the world, always a boy in his brother's shadow, always hiding himself from everyone. Never being seen, never wanting to be seen. This was how he got through, how he spent all those years in that awful house, Sirius pushing himself out the shadows, him shrinking back into them.
That house meant he wouldnt be afraid of anything, the only positive thing it did for him. Things he saw happen in that house shouldn’t be viewed ever, let alone by a child. They left him sick to his stomach, crying in a corner or locked in the bathroom, waiting for some source of comfort.
It always came in the shape of his brother, the brave idiot, always stepping on toes. Regulus never understood why he would act out and get punished when he could just stay out of sight, out of mind.
By the time Regulus was at Hogwarts he had mastered the act of leaving his body, of forcing his mind elsewhere so as not to see what was before him. Sometimes it happened without him wanting it, however he didn't mind if it meant he could stare unseeingly so as to look like he believed the same thing as his parents, even if it left him shaking.
But then Sirius left.
He knew it was inevitable, knew he would always choose James over him, knew he would be left to fend for himself. The comfort never came after that fateful day, and he was never blessed with a glimpse of hope in that house again. His parents acted as if they only ever had one son, completely removing all signs of Sirius from their house.
The year after Sirius left the derealisation episodes got worse. The days passed in a blur, nothing could affect him.
Some days were better than others, but Regulus had entered a depressive episode that he had never felt, his days full of constant anxiety and a numbness that both calmed him and made him feel worse.
A few weeks later the numbness was all Regulus ever remembered feeling. He had never felt anything, ever.
Not until James pulled him into an empty classroom.
The emotions washed over him, colour entering his day. It was as if he had looked up from a book to see the world passing by, all because a boy had grabbed his arm and looked into his eyes.
“I know it's not my place but are you… okay?” The worried expression on James’ face made its way into his voice.
“I’m fine Potter. Leave me alone.”
James sighed and ran a hand down his face, “I know I’m Sirius’ friend but that doesn't mean you can't talk to me. I know you're not okay. What's wrong?”
“Nothing Potter. Fuck off.” and with that Regulus turned on his heel and left James standing crestfallen in an empty classroom. But at that moment, Regulus was the only one who was alone.
Since the ice had been broken, James found more and more excuses to speak to Regulus, whether it was pulling him into empty classrooms or behind statues, or just sidling up to him in the corridor and joining in his conversation.
This attention constantly filled him with warmth, finally allowing him to feel. Life felt like it was brighter, and he sometimes found himself wishing he had some sunglasses. He found himself finding pleasure in the simple things again, one of which was stargazing, something he hadn't done much since Sirius had left. It's hard to look at the stars to escape when your family is up there, still seemingly staring at you in disappointment.
It was the nights stargazing that James found him, those nights where Regulus broke down his walls slowly, revealing more and more of himself to James, James hanging on to his every word. He grew to trust James, to see him as a friend, to hope James did too. The more time they spent together, the more time Regulus secretly wished to spend with him, not that he’d ever tell him.
But at the back of his head there was always the thought that James was playing him, that he would leave - he would feel selfish if he didnt leave, for James deserved to spend time with someone who wasn't putting on a facade. The more time they spent together, the more he doubted this idea, but it was always at the back of his head.
When you've been let down as much as he had you always expect it.
This was why Regulus hadn't let himself dwell on his feelings for James. They were definitely more than platonic, but that wasn't something he allowed himself to address. For if James could have anyone, why would he pick Regulus?
He wouldn't. And that was the harsh truth. He is always the second choice, always in his brother's shadow, always ignored for someone better. Sirius wasn't named after the brightest star by accident; he shone as bright as it. Regulus was dull in comparison, and he was used to being looked past.
So when one night James appeared at the astronomy tower breathless and telling Regulus he had to tell him something, he assumed the worst. Countless thoughts ran through his head, most assuming James no longer wished to spend time with him, that he realised he wasnt the good person he thought.
Regulus froze, before forcing himself to breathe. He couldn't lose James, not now. “What is it you need to tell me?”
James noticeably took a deep breath before replying. “I think I like you Regulus. I mean, I didn't even know I liked boys, but I look at you and it's as if the whole world stops, nothing else matters when I see you. You’re all that I think about, all that I see.” He meets his eye, “Obviously if you don’t feel the same we don't have to talk about this, I can leave you alone, but I couldn't keep this a secret, not from you. I can’t promise I will be the best lover, if that's what you want, but I will try my best, I would do anything you want, be whatever you want.”
A light chuckle can be heard from Regulus, “James. You gave me something to lose, a reason to go outside. Of course I want you, if you’d have me.”
If the smile of pure happiness on James’ face was the last thing Regulus saw before he died, he would die happy. Nothing could live up to that.
“Regulus. Can I kiss you?”
A nod. Then James bounding towards him, holding him tight, pressing their lips together.
“You have no clue how long I waited for that.”
Regulus shut him up with a kiss.
They had one issue, however. James didn't know how to love quietly. Regulus was taught to accept the love he thought he deserved, which wasn’t a love shouted from the rooftops. This love was also forbidden, if Sirius found out, if Regulus’ parents found out, Regulus wouldn't be coming back to school after the holidays. Sirius would come around eventually, he would have to, but their parents? There was no hope for them accepting it.
When James offered to take Regulus in the same way he had Sirius, there was nothing more he wanted to do than say yes. But his parents wouldn't let him leave, not like that. They let Sirius leave because they had a spare, but there was no one to carry on the family line after Regulus.
He often wished for a domestic life with James, one where they lived together, owned a cat and countless plants and adopted a child. There was little chance it would become a reality though.
The years they were together was the best time of Regulus’ life, a period in which he finally felt happy.
Would this happiness stay? The uncertainty was something Regulus was used to.
The time he knew the happiness with James would stay was the day he ran away for the weekend to stay with him. Sirius knew about their relationship at this point, and as much as he complained, Regulus knew he didn't mind. They were the closest to brothers they'd been in years, finally getting along, both of them pretending Regulus didn't have to return to the house they grew up in.
When his parents came to retrieve their heir from the hands they deemed incapable of raising a child, James and Regulus were in bed, talking about nothing and everything at the same time, whispering under the duvet. 2:37AM, a time that shouldn’t have any meaning, but as soon as Regulus heard the harsh rapping on the front door, he knew. He knew he wouldn't get off lightly. And he froze.
He heard Euphemia sleepily answer the door, heard muffled angry whispers, heard his mother’s shoes as they climbed the stairs, heading towards the room Regulus resided in, in bed with a boy, a Potter nonetheless. And yet he couldn't move, couldn't make it better for himself, couldn't remove his hand from James’, couldn't slide out of bed, couldn't do anything.
So when his mother swung the door open, she found her son, the Black heir, in bed with James Potter, both boys flushed with messy hair, and one of the boy’s necks covered in marks from the other. That was when she realised she wouldn't be getting a grandchild to carry on the Black family, not unless she forced it. Her son, her only son, was gay.
At that moment she made a choice. And she chose to disown him too. She turned and walked out the door.
That was the last time Regulus saw the woman who birthed him.
The Black family, a family with no successors. Once Walburga and Orion died, there would be no one to carry on for them. Their two sons no longer accepted as theirs, as part of their family.
Only once the front door shut behind her could Regulus release the breath he didn't know he was holding. He turned to James, hand still clutching his, and found him smiling.
“You can stay with us Reg,” James spoke into the tense air, addressing all of his unspoken worries, “Dad loves you, and you know how much mum loves taking in strays. And we can buy our own place soon, it’ll be fine, I promise.”
Speechless, the only way Regulus knew how to show his appreciation was to collapse into James, holding him as close to him as possible. Trying to show his love for the bespectacled boy through this hug.
Living with James was everything he had dreamed and more; even if they were living with James’ family. Waking up beside him, being able to smell him on their pillows, seeing his own belongings amongst James’ - nothing could be better than this.
They finally moved out, their first place being a flat in London, and the domesticity was all Regulus had ever wanted. Having a place that was his, a place he felt completely safe, a place he was able to decorate how he wanted. Having parts of him and James scattered around the flat took his breath away every time.
There was a comfort in the way the two were able to do their own thing together - Regulus reading a book as James watched tv or listened to music or do whatever else he did, nothing could be better than that.
Together, they did everything a couple would. They cooked, cleaned, loved, cried, held, slept.
Separately the two boys shone. But together, they blinded.
Eventually, the lovers moved out into a cottage, complete with a garden big enough for Regulus to plant whatever he wanted, big enough for their adopted son to run around, big enough for James to fly his broomstick around.
They loved Harry with their whole heart, happy they could give him a home. As he grew up, they saw parts of themselves in his personality, and it was all Regulus had dreamt. Harry Potter, their son.
Regulus was happy for him to have taken James’ surname, for as soon as they wed he would do the same. The only thing that binds him to the Black family was his surname, that and his genes, but only one of these could be changed.
Regulus Arcturus Potter.
He smiled. It seemed to be all he did these days. It would be all he did until he died.