Well, we're here
We're at the common again
Smoked six of the ten fags that
I only bought an hour ago
The astronomy tower; the only place they didn't have to hide. The stars had seen them before, they had become accustomed to the two boys sitting underneath them, talking about nothing, interrupting each other with kisses. If anything, the stars protected them.
Regulus loved their nights under the stars; it felt as if it was the only place they could relax and be themselves; he had always felt comforted by the stars, and he was now able to share this with the one he loved most. He knew James watched him more than he watched the stars, but he couldn’t bring himself to be bothered. If James wished to look at him instead of the night sky, then he could. Regulus could appreciate the stars enough for the both of them.
These nights seemed to bring out the best in them, for Regulus never felt he shone like his star above him until he laid with James Potter - James who shone brighter than anything Regulus had ever known.
Said well I
I like the look of your shoes
I like the way that your face looks
When I'm arguin' with you
Regulus knew the face that James made during arguments, could spot it anywhere. For all they seemed to do was argue, and Regulus began to look for the moment James started taking it seriously, the moment his eyebrows furrow and his smile drops, the moment he lets himself feel. Regulus is happy to be the punching bag, someone to take the weight of James’ shoulders and make him whole again; he can take it, he has been taking it all his life.
He liked knowing he was one of the only people to see James angry. Around everyone else he acted picture perfect, always happy.
He would keep James’ emotions secret, as he knew James wanted him to, and he would always do whatever James wanted of him. For being able to keep something of James meant he trusted him.
He just wished James showed this trust more.
And so when
When we all grow old
I hope this song will remind you that I'm not
Half as bad as what you've been told
Despite all the things Regulus was sure James would be told, by his brother, by everyone, he hoped James would look back on this period with a content nostalgia, possibly even a longing. He hoped James would dig out the letters, covered in years of dust, and read through them, and remember all the reasons he loved him. He hoped James would give him that, at least; living in his memory, forever stable, forever in that light that James placed everyone in.
Maybe he would be something that James tells his children, smiling while telling stories he can't help but remember.Maybe James would remember a conversation they shared, and smile briefly. Maybe he would tell Lily about his secret ex boyfriend from Hogwarts, telling her about snippets of their relationship. Maybe Lily would ask if he ever loved him, maybe he would consider it and reply with a quiet ‘yes’. Or maybe not. Maybe he will be pushed to the back of James’ memory, discarded.
There’s a strong possibility that James will only see him as a death eater, as someone he couldn’t save. He doesn’t need saving anyways, he can do that himself. At least he wants to.
And if he can’t be saved, maybe he can still be good. He’s trying.
And when I knock
At a hundred and two
And I see your pyjamas
I can't stop smiling at you
Whenever James came up to the astronomy tower, minutes or hours after Regulus got there, he always looked so tired, dressed in his plaid pyjamas and a baggy jumper (most likely one of Remus’). And whenever Regulus saw him, standing so awkwardly at the door, a smile couldn’t help but make its way onto his face. Even as he forced his eyes away from James, the smile refused to drop, refusing to give him this respite.
James catches this, of course he does, and he smiles back. The smile doesn’t reach his eyes.
When did they start falling apart? Was it always like this, or is this a recent development? He isn't sure.
They used to be in love. Or was it all fake?
And that's why we're here
We're at the common again
I've been pouring my heart out
Towards your optimistic grin
The two of them still met nightly, as if nothing had happened. They still talked about nothing and everything, they still were together. Regulus knew they were falling apart, but he tried everything he knew to keep them together. Even if this meant telling his deepest secrets, bearing his soul to James. Showing himself completely, and letting James do whatever he wants with him.
Nothing would ever be enough.
The person that knew the most about him wanted nothing to do with him. Was that the reason Regulus shared everything with him; was it out of a longing for someone to see him and leave so they would never have to talk about it, rather than a desire to stay together?
He would rather not know.
Despite all this, there was one singular thing that Regulus would forever do anything to see, and that is James’ smile aimed solely at him. For his smile created a light in his eyes which made it seem as if you are the only person in the world, the only being he wants. It fills you with such a warmth that the chill in your soul fades, the darkness in your brain dissipates. So why wouldn’t Regulus do anything for this comfort.
I said well I, I
I like the cut of your jib
I like the way that your face looks
When you're yappin' on about him
These smiles came often when James was talking about Lily, and Regulus couldn’t help but abhor her. But how could he possibly dislike the way James lit up, the way he fell so easily into comfort, the dazed look across his face. All he wished was for James to find happiness, and he knew it would be found after him, with another lover, and if it happened to be Lily Evans then so be it.
The jealousy in his chest disagreed with the rationality his brain was showing, but it was all he had.
As much as Regulus hated her, he couldn’t bring himself to hate James. All James had wanted for him was the best, and he had tried to give him that. But Regulus couldn’t accept it, wouldn’t allow himself that.
But on this shirt
Well I found your smell
I just sat there for ages
Contemplating what to do with myself
The quidditch jersey, left after a quidditch match in which James found himself in Regulus’ dorm fueled solely on the adrenaline of winning, still held him. Regulus couldn't help but hold it to his nose, to fill his senses with his soon to be ex. If James was still his in theory, he wasn't in practice. When Regulus is next to James, it feels as if they are miles apart. It is just another feat that he has to accept so as to keep James as long as possible. He has to convince himself it's okay.
This relationship started out of love but has stayed together due to necessity; Regulus needs James to help him feel loved, and James needs Regulus to feel any negative emotion.
Sometimes Regulus wonders if the loneliness would be better than this.
I called you up
At a hundred and two
We just sat there for ages
Talkin' about that boy what
Was gettin' on to you
You, you, you
Sitting in the astronomy tower, talking about nothing, used to be Regulus’ favourite thing to do. But now all James seemed to talk about was Lily; it was almost as if he had forgotten that his heart was meant to belong to Regulus. But it never really did, not even at the start. It was something Regulus had grown to accept, he knew James loved him, but he also knew that he would never be able to take over the space in James’ heart dedicated to Lily.
Regulus knew, however, that he would have to be the one to break up with James. He would have to be the one to break their hearts. Because even if James didn’t have enough space to love him completely, he loved him enough to want to keep him safe.
And he did keep him safe, if only for a while.
Regulus would never move on, and James would. They both knew that. James would be with Lily, because it's what he deserved, and Regulus may find another, but another would never live up to James. Maybe he would stay single forever, hopelessly craving the feel of arms around him, someone smothering him with their scent. Wishing for James to hold him, for five minutes, and then he can go. To remember him as he was. But after this, they will never be as they were
“James…” .