The Reality's ugly
And I'm not a good person.
Your kindness frightens
And my guilt just worsens.
You have no idea
How you're making me feel.
All I want is believe
That my past isn't real.
But I know and you know
This cannot be true
Then you lean in,
Then you kiss me,
Then you tell that
You missed me.
I see you sparkling,
See your beauty,
See your glory.
I feel your calmness
Wash away all worry.
I want to wipe
This confidence
From your face,
I want to make you
Confess.
I want you vulnerable,
Incompetent,
Impossible.
Like when you played
With a curse
Quite irreversible.
Like when you showed
By chance
How much you cared,
Like when you looked at me
And I knew you were scared
For my life.
Your offer, I could refuse
But I don't want to.
You leave me breathless,
Leave me pulsing,
Leave me haunted.
I couldn't ever be
A proper lover,
You tell me this is not
What you're after.
We share a gender,
A job, a sexuality
The only thing apart
Is a reality.
You don't care
If I'd messed up
And how bad;
My guilt is there
I am the one who
Shouldn't be loved.
I know you are dark
Like a death' stare
On the inside,
But nothing can amend
My revolting
Ugly heart.
I'd like you to punish me,
To shatter me,
To break me.
But you offer yourself to me.
You make me feel strong,
You're playing along.
You let me push you against the wall,
Though it's not in your character. And soon you push back.
I'd be on my knees if you wanted me to.
I know I will be at some point in time,
Because we both aren't made to go under.
The Reality's ugly
And I'm not a good person
You tell me to live on,
Not to make it worse.
You say I suffered,
Left the darkness behind,
But I'm as much of a bastard,
Have you changed your mind?
You say you know well
What I'm capable of.
You refuse to read my mind
You don't need no proof.
This absolution is painful-
Too much to bear,
I don't want to be saved,
Not now, not there.
You remind me with a smirk,
That you used me enough,
That you're cruel, and selfish,
And guilty as fuck.
And I'm silently laughing
In your face,
I want more of your torture,
And none of your grace.
Then you pointed out,
That an hour before,
I was trembling at your feet
Kissing the hem of your robe.
That I shook and I gasped
When the palm of your hand
Softly caressed my cheek
And supported my head.
That I bit at your lips
When they burned my mouth
That I closed my eyes
In wordless arousal,
That my breath was so short
You thought my heart would stop.
That I held you down,
And prayed you not to let go.
That I smiled right back
When you deepened the kiss
That we made out madly
Enjoying the bliss.
You say we are so well fitted,
So eager to switch.
That I hold two polar sides
And should know which is which
That I should be who I want
And not follow "the path" -
The only way you see me
Breaking free from my past.
In the end I am free
To remain where I am
Or make a choice and
Explore a different sea.
And I said that perhaps
I'd like to take leave
But first finish this glass.
And your devilish smile
Made me feel quite enough
To spend this evening with you,
If not the rest of my life.