Occlumency and Legilimency
Harry spends the rest of the week regretting asking Malfoy for help with Occlumency. What was he thinking?! To voluntarily open up his mind to his school-nemesis? But backing out now would make him seem ridiculous and scared. And well, yeah, maybe he is scared, but Malfoy doesn't need to know that now, does he?
Still, as he makes his way up to the Room after dinner, having given his friends some lame excuse about meeting McGonagall for something, his nerves flare up. Harry is really doing this. Malfoy is gonna see all of his memories, because let's face it, his current Occlumency shields are sub-par at best.
Harry tries to sooth himself by telling himself that Malfoy's not the git he once was, and probably won't use any information he might gain against Harry. But that's the thing, probably is not the same as definitely. He tries to rationalize that Malfoy's gonna need to know most stuff about the war and the years prior anyway at some point, now that they're working together, but what Harry is really worried about are not even those memories. The thing that keeps on popping into his head is the summer after the war, when Harry, apart from being depressed and testifying at trials, indulged in some self-discovery journey.
What would happen if Malfoy saw some of those memories? Harry isn't even ready to confront them himself, let alone being forced to by Malfoy of all people. He shudders, imagining the glimpses of the Gay Muggle Nightclubs Malfoy might get. Or even worse, what if he saw Harry doing that to another man? He hasn't even told his Hermione and Ron about what he was doing all those nights he went out alone. It had kind of been his retreat from the whole Saviour-mania going on in the wizarding world right after the war. He could lose himself in the music and lights, drink too much and none of the Muggle boys he met could tell the Prophet about their one-night-stand with the boy-who-lived-twice. Nobody there saw Harry Potter, Saviour of the wizarding world, they just met Harry, a bloke about to start university and ready to experiment with his sexuality.
Harry tells himself that it wouldn't be that bad if Malfoy saw any of that, but then again he knows he's lying to himself. He feels utterly uncomfortable of Malfoy seeing him having sex. He guesses that's because he still doesn't know how the wizarding world thinks about gays and stuff and if there would be one wizard with a tendency to bigotry it would probably be Malfoy. Even if he doesn't believe in blood-superiority anymore, homosexuality might be a different thing.
And then again, even after his experimental summer, Harry's not even sure how he would classify himself. Gay or bi, maybe pan or whatever? After all there was the occasional Muggle girl in the mix, on the days he chose to venture into some of the hipper Londoner scene clubs.
Whatever the verdict, one thing Harry knows for sure. He is extremely anxious about Malfoy's reaction, should he find those memories. His heart starts to flutter whenever he imagines the possible scenarios and it's all really really confusing.
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When he arrives in the room, which is once again the usual Slytherin common room replica, Malfoy's already there, lounging in his favourite armchair. Harry steels himself for the upcoming lesson.
''Alright Potter, so how far did you and Professor Snape get with those lessons? And by the way, when did those happen anyway?'' the blond starts.
''Well, that was during 5th year, after Voldemort was back. I had to tell everyone I was getting remedial potion lessons.'' Harry admits, ''And we didn't really get that far, at one point we both got so angry with each other that we just stopped I guess. At the time I didn't mind as Snape just always plunged into my mind without warning and it really hurt.'' he shrugs.
''Wait, you mean to tell me you never actually got those remedial potions lessons? But then how did you get so good in 6th year, Potter?'' Malfoy asks suspiciously.
''Oh, um, that was because of an old book I found, I'll tell you another time. Just, let's just get started, yeah? So to be clear, I have basically no knowledge about Occlumency thus far, besides stuff like clearing one's mind, but I don't even know how I'm supposed to do that.'' he admits.
To Harry's surprise Malfoy merely nods in acknowledgement, without commenting on Harry's less than ideal starting point.
''So, yes, clearing one's mind is the first step. It effectuates that if a Legilimens only grazes your mind they should find nothing of interest and likely move on. If they are more determined to look deeper into your thoughts, Compartmentalisation is the thing you need to learn. But I guess, let's start with the mind-clearing for now. Also, Legilimency should not hurt if the caste does not intend it to.'' Malfoy frowns, ''After all, the goal is to read another person's mind, ideally without alerting them to your presence.''
''Okay.'' Harry nods, ''And how do I do that? The mind clearing I mean.''
Malfoy sighs and starts explaining. ''You basically want to stop thinking at al. And I know, that sounds nearly impossible at first, but think of it this way. Is there any situation or activity when you feel like all your worries escape you and you can merely be in the moment without thinking too much?'' he asks.
Harry thinks about it for a while before he has an idea ''Flying! When I fly it feels like it's just me and my broom and nothing else but the air around me matters.'' he smiles.
Malfoy nods encouragingly ''Yes, I know that feeling. That's a great start! Close your eyes and try to focus on the sensation when you're high up in the air, how does it feel, where does your body start and end, are you content?'' he directs Harry's thoughts.
After a while of trying, Harry manages to somehow replicate the calming feeling of being on a broom. He has to admit, it really does help with keeping the mind clear. Malfoy's definitely better at explaining that stuff than Snape ever was. When Harry feels adequately prepared, he opens up his eyes once more and finds Malfoy's gaze.
''Alright?'' the blond asks. When Harry nods he continues ''Okay, I am going to just graze your mind now, yeah? Let's start with that and see how far you've come with clearing your mind before we move on to actual Legilimency. Find your peace again and then look into my eyes.''
Harry is kind of relieved at that, maybe Malfoy won't get to see those memories after all. He closes his eyes once more and focuses on the sensation of being weightless, then he opens them and stares directly into the Slytherin's grey eyes.
Harry waits and waits, continuing his focus on the feeling of flying, but nothing happens. After a while Malfoy smiles and blinks.
''That was actually not bad Potter! Your mind was pretty clear, although I could spot some clouds and a broom once, but that's not that bad for a start.'' he praises.
Harry can feel himself blush, this is going so much better than expected!
''So, do you feel ready to try some actual Legilimency?'' Malfoy asks,s till smiling.
Feeling encouraged by his progress Harry straightens his shoulders and gives the blond a decisive nod.
''Okay, at first we're doing this without the compartmentalisation, just so you can get a feeling for what it's like having someone in your mind. Try to push me out, okay?'' Malfoy explains, before he looks straight at Harry and calls ''Legilimens!''
The effect is instantaneous. Harry can feel another presence in his head, searching for something. He tries to get a hold of it, but the presence is quick and evades him. Then images start appearing around Harry and it feels almost as if he is plunged into a Pensieve, but instead of looking at the memory from the outside, he is actually reliving it in his own body.
He's back at Privet Drive and apparently it's Christmas. A small Harry, maybe 7 or 8 years old watches from the door, how Dudley gets an enormous amount of presence. He can taste the bile tang of jealousy on his tongue and the tears threatening to emerge his eyes, as Petunia sees him watching and cries for him to go back to making them breakfast. Harry knows that that's all he's good for. Presents are not for freaks, after all.
The scenery changes and a 4 year old Harry is standing in the kitchen, on top of a footboard. He is frantically trying to rotate the pancakes on the stove, but his tiny hands don't have a tight enough grip on the spatula and the pancakes start to burn. He can smell the smoke when Uncle Vernon's angry purple face comes into view and pulls him out of the kitchen by the collar of his too-big night shirt. Harry is being thrown into the cupboard under the stairs, and Vernon bellows 'You pathetic good-for-nothing little freak. This means no food until next week, if you're so careless about it.' as he locks the cupboard from the outside. Harry can feel the hunger gnawing at his insides and he suppresses a few tears. He lies back down on his cot and watches a spider roping down from the bottom side of the stairs.
Once again the surroundings shift and a 6 year old Harry is being beaten by Dudley and his friends. Piers stomps on Harry's arm and there is a loud 'crack', likely being broken. As Dudley starts laughing about Harry's scream of pain, he trips over one of his toy trucks lying around in the garden and falls onto his own arm. He starts screaming and aunt Petunia emerges from the house. As soon as she sees her son lying on the ground and cradling his arm, she starts fussing over her 'little Duddikins' and when Dudley says it was Harry's fault, she grabs his broken arm and he is once again thrown into the cupboard, being locked inside. This time there are a few little toy-soldiers hidden under his thin woolly blanket, all of them missing some extremities. Harry had nicked them from the garbage can after Dudley had destroyed and gotten bored of them. The little Harry starts playing with the toys while he can hear his cousin getting ice cream because of his pain.
The interior of the cupboard fades and 5 year old Harry is standing in the living room, where Uncle Vernon is reaching for his belt. He is whimpering and pleading with the man not to hurt him, but Vernon ignores his cries and starts hitting Harry's back with the belt buckle. All the while Vernon screams 'This is going to teach you not to slack off on cleaning the living room!' Harry, who by now is curled up into a little ball, sobs that he couldn't reach the higher shelves to dust, not even with his footboard, but he is ignored.
The setting changes into a familiar office, where an 11 year old Harry sits, staring at Albus Dumbledore. The headmaster chuckles 'That is not abuse Harry..' 'You will have to go back to the Dursleys my boy..' and Harry's trust breaks and he feels like he is 4 and burning pancakes again.
And then suddenly Harry is back in the room and Malfoy is staring at him with wide eyes. For a moment none of them say anything and Harry can feel anger boiling in his stomach as he realizes what Malfoy has just learned.
The Slytherin looks utterly shocked, but then his features also contort into anger, ''What the fuck?!'' he cries out. ''What the actual fucking fuck?!!'' Malfoy pants. ''Potter, you must know. I mean, you have to know that that's abuse! Why in Salazar's name would Dumbledore say anything like that? Those Muggles...'' he furiously grits out.
Harry can feel his guards rising up and his heart closing off. He doesn't want to think about whether that's been abuse or why Dumbledore said all that. Especially because those are some of his thoughts, but hearing them parroted back from Malfoy makes him immediately defensive of the old man. After all, it was Malfoy who almost killed the headmaster, the git has no right to judge the old man.
''You don't know anything about me or about abuse Malfoy'' he hisses, ''Just because I didn't grow up in a literal mansion, being waited on by my own personal army of slaves doesn't mean I was abused.'' he crosses his arms in front of his chest, as if to protect himself from the repercussions those words might have on him.
Malfoy looks utterly shocked and appalled ''Potter...'' he begins tentatively, ''Surely you must see, you can't tell me you don't see that Dumbledore is manipulating you?!'' he sounds genuinely baffled.
''No. He has his reasons Malfoy.'' Harry turns away angrily.
''Yeah, reasons like what? Wanting to prepare yourself for dying to get rid of the Horcrux? Making your life as miserable as possible so that nothing's holding you back when the time comes?'' Malfoy now matches Harry's anger again. ''Come to think of it, since when did the headmaster know you'd have to die, hm? And when did he actually tell you so?'' the blond snaps.
''You shut up, Malfoy! You have no right...'' Harry starts shouting.
''I have no right?'' Malfoy interrupts him, ''Then tell me Potter, who is going to tell you the truth? Because that's what it is, the fucking truth. And just cause you don't want to see it doesn't make it any less true you idiot.'' Malfoy growls.
''You have no idea, you only saw some memories and now you think you know what's best? You think you know me now, Malfoy? Well sorry to disappoint but you will never ever know me.'' Harry spits.
''Yeah? So I've got it wrong because I didn't get the whole picture, is that what you're saying? Well, then let's just rectify that, shall we? Legilimens!'' Malfoy cries.
And Harry is once again plunged into an old memory. Oh fuck no, this is one he really really doesn't want to see anyone. He doesn't even want to remember it himself, he's spent the past 16 years suppressing this very memory.
Harry is tiny. He must be about 3 years old. He is hiding in his cupboard, crying his eyes out. The cupboard seems big, that's how small he currently is. He looks down his night-shirt-clad body, blood is streaming out of several open wounds on his legs and arms, soaking his little cot. He is thinking 'I'm not worth anything. I'm just a freak. Why do I have to live if being a freak means I will get hurt?' curling in on himself he sways on the ground of the cupboard, silent tears streaming down his face. 'I don't want this anymore. I don't want to be here.'' tiny Harry thinks.
But real Harry gets angry, he gets furious. How dare Malfoy force him to relive this? His lowest point. He snaps and with a scream pushes out the Slytherin's presence, but instead of coming back to the room, he feels himself gliding into Malfoy's mind, just like he did with Snape when the man overstepped.
Harry is looking around the new environment. Everything is decked out in green and silver and he is standing next to a bed, when two figures in dress robes stumble into the room, tightly entangled. He can make out Malfoy, by the way he looks this must be 4th year, probably right after the Yule ball. Malfoy pushes the other person onto the bed and proceeds to straddle them. Harry takes a step closer and realizes with a jolt that the other person is a boy! And not just any boy, this is Nott! Theodore Nott, fellow Slytherin and son of a Death Eater. Memory-Malfoy starts snogging the life out of the other boy and Nott moans. What the fuck?
Then the memory shifts again, though they are still in the same dorm room. But Malfoy looks a little older, but not as emaciated as he did in 6th year, so this must be sometime during 5th. The blond git is on his hands and knees on top of the bed, and holy fuck! He's, he's naked, Harry gulps. And there is Nott again, coming up behind him, and the bed starts to shake and...
...And the memory changes once more and now they are standing in a Hogwarts courtyard. Malfoy is way younger in this one, and he looks pretty stressed. By the way the blond's hair is falling, this must be a new memory, from their current timeline, after the travel. Nott is there again and he is hugging Malfoy and then he takes a step back and kisses his cheek and suddenly Harry is pushed out of Malfoy's mind and is staring at the Slytherin in the flesh.
Both of them are panting heavily, the aggressive Legilimency having exhausted them. Malfoy looks as shocked as Harry feels and than flashes of pain and embarrassment cross his face, but then Malfoy just looks totally furious, ready to throttle Harry. But Harry can still only stare at Malfoy as he tries to even out his breathing.
What the fuck? What does that mean? Is Malfoy... Is Malfoy gay?! Harry is way too stunned to say anything and after a long stare-off Malfoy just turns on his heels and storms out of the room, leaving a very perplexed and confused Harry behind.
Harry keeps standing there, arms on his thighs, until his breathing evens out and he can think a little more clearly. He feels a little sting in his chest as he recounts what he has just seen. But that only further confuses him. Why would that hurt him?
Probably because Malfoy seemed so embarrassed and hurt, and that must mean that being gay in the wizarding world is not okay, right? And what does that mean for Harry? As the boy-who-lived he is destined to receive more attention than others, and if it ever came out that he too, might fancy boys a bit, he's probably doomed. Fuck this shit. And fuck asking Malfoy for help with his Occlumency.