No one understands, not really. Losing sleep because of memories or always waking up because of a slight noise. Having to constantly be on guard and make sure you don’t slip up and say the wrong thing. The first time Harry messes up is in primary school when his teacher Mrs Brown finds him lying beside a tree he passed out under, it was where he was hiding from Dudley and the 2 days of no water and heat exhaustion caught up to him so he unfortunately blacked out.
When asked why he passed out Harry told her the truth,he broke one of aunt Petunia's vases while running from Dudley therefore he was to be in his cupboard for the whole weekend and he wasn’t permitted any water unless he did all of the chores by the end of the day. But with Dudley and Vernon constantly beating on him and Petunia putting an endless amount of work,he never ended up finishing all of his chores. After hearing his story Mrs Brown called CPS where they did a mandatory house search,and they asked Dudley and Harry routine questions. With Vernon’s threat of harm if Harry didn’t lie and the family’s great acting skills made from years of pretending to be normal the social worker left without any complaints.
That night Harry got the beating of a lifetime and had to be out of school for a week which surprisingly worked in Vernons favor,Petunia told all the women in her book club what harry had done,how harry had lied about being neglected to sully the name of the good family who had taken him in after his drunk parents got themselves in a car crash. He was known as a delinquent in privet drive,always lying,missing school for days at a time and always instigating fights with his poor cousin and his friends.The years went on as they always have,Harry was aware it wasn’t normal to be treated the way he was but it was all he knew. When his Hogwarts letter came he had hope— a world away from his cupboard was a magical world which he not only belonged in but was saved by him.
Harry wasn’t big on attention,no one talked to him if it wasn’t to degrade him in some way,so walking around and having people run up to him to shake his hand and thank him was odd to say the least. He hated it. But he was happy to be away, he made friends with a tall redhead Ron and a girl named Hermione with bushy hair. He thinks they’re both great although sometimes he feels they don't really understand each other,but what does he know he’s never had friends before them.
He thought Hogwarts would be different, especially with his fame. He thought he would find friends who underwood him and he thought that with the standing he had people might finally listen to him about the dursleys– surely they wouldn't want the boy who lived in danger if they could help it. Harry knows danger enough to know that you shouldn’t go poking the bear,so when the headmaster says to not go to the corridor that guarantees death he listens. Ron on the other hand ends up dragging him with,Harry tries to resist but eventually he goes when Ron says something along the lines of “I thought you of all people would want to go on an adventure”’.
He thought Hermione arguably the most logical person in the group would’ve been with him on team ‘not dying’ but she was more concerned about the consequences of getting caught rather than the consequences of certain death.Harry soon learned that this was his new normal,running headfirst into any sign of danger with his two underage friends. Even after the second year when ron rescued him from the dursleys along with his two brother fred and george(twins) no one seemed to really get it even with the bars on the window and the cat flap glaring at them , no one ever really understood(not anyone he could talk to at least.). Hermione and Ron tended to look at his home life more bothersome than anything,Like the Dursleys were just some flatmates he had to deal with and not like they were abusers he couldn't escape.
Harry didn't like the feeling of disappointment, he felt so close to freedom when he came to the wizarding world.He thought Dumbledore of all people would listen to reason and have him put with a good family especially since he seemed to favor harry. But he seemed to think there was a misunderstanding between Harry and his relatives,Harry sensed there was some other reason but he learned Dumbledore wasn't very forthcoming if he didn't want to be– he had a way of hiding things. Ron came from a big family with a stay at home mother and a father who had a 9-5 job in the ministry.
He had home cooked meals every night and was never alone due to his many siblings. Hermione's parents were less traditional but no less loving,they raised Hermione to be an academic and were very independent,she had a very narrow way of thinking and was very stubborn in her personal views. At the end of the day they were children,not that Harry wasn't but before Hogwarts Ron and Hermione`s biggest problems were making friends and spats with siblings. If anyone might understand Harry bets his nimbus 2000 it would be Neville Longbottom and the majority of slytherin–even Draco”my father will hear about this “ Malfoy.
Neville understood what it was like to have an ‘unconventional’ family if his stories about his great uncle Algae are anything to go by but they never got to talk about their shared experiences,Harry was too busy dodging murder attempts every year.
Draco was a surprise especially with the way he goes on about his father but there was no hiding the shake in his hands when he came back from holiday and the way Lucius always gripped his shoulder a little too tight. And although Harry would never tell anyone he still thinks about the kind slytherin who helped him heal his injuries from Vernon that they happened to see.Second year seemed to be going from wrong to worse,until he found a leather bound diary. He'd rather not think of the handsome boy whose life reminds him so much of his own,especially since he turned out to be his parents' murderer (teenage version).
Through 1st through 4th Harry made it by with Ron and Hermione’s comforts no matter how little they truly helped, and Neville’s understanding glances. He tried to fit in the best he could, he learned what face someone made when he said something concerning or weird. He made sure no one would find anything about the freak Harry Potter really was,not when they liked him. When he heard of Sirius Black and what he did, Harry wanted to murder him.
Harry was glad to have someone to blame,someone who he could currently do something about,whenever his feelings got to be too much he either wanted to hurt himself or someone else– no in between. Sirius betrayed his parents leaving them dead and him an orphan,his actions led up to him being put with the dursleys.But after he found out he was innocent he was glad to have someone new, someone connected to his parents who could care about him and who would fight for him but moreover, he was tired. He felt that he would have to act a certain way just so he could keep another person.
He knew his dad and Sirius (and Remus) were close and he knew that like everyone else he expected something of Harry, whether he had to act like a carbon copy of his father or jump into danger to save the day like the impulsive Gryffindor ‘hero’ he was. He knew he was going to have to play up his persona and pretend to be someone else, all while he longed to have someone truly understand him. It was worth it though, playing a part — no matter how risky it was, it was better than being alone in a cupboard with no one. Even if no one truly understood why he always feels the need to earn his keep, why he’s scared of dark small spaces, and why he sometimes hoards food, it was worth the feeling of someone caring for him.
Even if it wasn’t him. When the fourth year rolls around Harry still lives with the Dursleys since Sirius is a convicted felon and the supposed 'blood wards’ around his ‘house’ need to be charged so his ‘family’ and himself could be safe. Harry doesn’t particularly care about either, but Harry Potter would. So he stayed (not that he was much of a choice).
In reality, he wasn't that disappointed, he knew in some way he would never be free of the Dursleys. They would always be stuck with him, in his first year he thought foolishly that he was important, that since he was Harry Potter he could finally be free. But another one of people's expectations was that he stay with the Dursleys, that he stay with his family who Dumbledore is sure ‘love’ him. So he does.
When someone enters his name in the goblet of fire he knows what it’s like to be truly isolated. For 11 years of his life, he spent his time in a small closet under the stairs so it says a lot, but it was different. Being alone was all Harry ever knew and at times he was fine with it, being alone with his thoughts wasn’t the best but at least he was ‘safe’ in his cupboard. After a couple of years, Hogwarts Harry grew accustomed to always having at least one person with him.
It was something he could count on, at the Dursley he was the ‘freak’ he stayed in a locked room and was fed 2 times a week at best, he did all the housework and he had no one to care for him. He was beat down and pathetic. He was hated.At Hogwarts he was the ‘chosen one’ he had friends, did magic, had house elves to serve 3 magical meals a day, and was well-liked by adults and students (for the most part). He was a hero and he was a savior. He was adored.
He wasn’t used to being alone as Harry Potter. People disliking him wasn't anything new— for the Dursleys or Hogwarts. During the Heir of Slytherin fiasco, the entire school was against him, except Ron and Hermione. He ran away after he realized he had no way out of the tournament so he got back to his dorm room late.
The only solstice he can find in the entire situation is the fact that he will have his friends, contrary to popular belief he doesn’t like running headfirst into danger but it seems this is the only way he’s important. Ron seems to be one of the ones who agrees with the sentiment considering the argument we got into ‘why didn’t you tell me you entered’ ‘I'm your best mate’ ‘you can't have the spotlight all the time’. Hermione stood neutral on the matter and would rather get caught up with her studies than listen to Ron and I bicker, besides she was rather caught up with Victor Krum. Without anyone to constantly talk to (besides some of his fellow competitors and Sirius whenever he could) Harry realized he messed up.
He should have known to not hope, to not have high expectations for himself. ‘no one would ever be friends with a freak like you’ Dudley spat as his friends kicked Harry relentlessly. Ron saw reason after Harry almost died via dragon(that’s a new one), but he couldn’t forget Ron’s pure jealousy and hate. No matter how ‘close’ they are Ron doesn’t understand. Harry doesn’t want to do this.
He doesn’t want to be a savior, he doesn’t want to fight Voldemort. He wants someone to know and love him. But as Ron and Hermione talk to him before the second task he smiles and nods, as is expected of him. He goes to the Yule ball with Parvati Patil, and all night he sits sulking by the punch bowl with Ron.
Ron stares at Hermione and Victor while they dance and Harry stares at Cedric Cho. When the third task comes up he eventually collides with Cedric Diggory who is as agreeable as he is handsome…not that he thinks that of course, Harry Potter was yearning after the pretty Ravenclaw girl. But throughout the tournament, Harry did come to think of him as a good companion so when Cedric offered his hand he grasped on as they took the winning cup together. Ending up in a graveyard wasn’t the plan, nor the Cedric dying.
Seeing Tom riddle Voldemort wasn’t, even with all of vernon building up his pain tolerance nothing could have prepared him for the pain of voldemort's cruciatus curse.The summer after 4th year is when things started getting serious– for everyone else that is. Harry had been fighting basilisks and burning teachers faces off with his bare hands since first year. He had become very familiar with the idea of Voldemort coming back,and he had three times now.
While most of wizarding Britain is in denial, those supporting Dumbledore and those supporting Voldemort know the truth. Science his 4th year was a disaster. It wasn't any different from any of his other years,but he had to admit seeing a close friend murdered in front of him, because of him..it was a lot to deal with, especially alone. The whole summer Harry only got three letters home from Dumbledore saying everything was fine and not the leave, one from Sirius and his friends saying Dumbledore doesn't want them communicating but that they're all together and safe.
And the third letter is from the ministry of magic telling him he's expelled,because a dementor happened upon him a Dudley and almost sucked their souls out.That seemed to finally get someone's attention because later that day auror Tonks,auror Moody(the real one) and Remus came to pick him up from the dursleys so they could all go to the ‘safe house’ where the others were.Grimmauld place was dark and dreary,harry swears he saw a couple severed elf heads mounted on the walls–and the current one didn't seem to be doing any better “filthy half-bloods in mistresses house” the hunched gray figure grumbled as it dusted the portrait of a woman with black hair and pinched face. Harry swore it could've been an abandoned building if not for the abundance of people in the kitchen,he spotted Sirius talking with Fred and George,Molly was yelling something at Ginny and a couple of people he didn't recognize were whispering beside a bookshelf.
Harry wondered where Ron and Hermione were but he didn't have time to look as Molly beckoned them all to the dinner table with a yell and a wave of her hand. He felt two figures hug him from behind; he turned to see Ron and Hermione's grinning faces,although hermiones was more hesitant. Harry shook his head ‘we’ll talk later’ he mouthed. Ron and Hermione seemed downcast but reluctantly agreed.
Dinner was good as always but Harry couldn't eat much due to not eating regularly,it usually takes a little over a week for him to get back to a normal healthy way of eating after the dursleys. But that didn't stop him from taking an extra piece of cornbread into his pocket when non one was looking– just in case. Harry didn't show it outwardly– at least he wasn't trying to, but he was angry and he definitely wasn't looking forward to talking with his friends. Thankfully Sirius seemed to notice this and whisked him away before he could go up the stairs,where Ron and Hermione were waiting for him.
“You okay pup?” Sirius asked with a cheeky grin, ‘pup’ is what Sirius had started referring to Harry as;he quite likes it. He brings Harry into a bone crushing hug,finally letting him go after a minute.
“Yeah im okay padfoot” he tries to play it out but he can see sirius doesn't believe him.
“It's- I'm just a little upset about Dumbledore not letting anyone have contact with me. Especially after cedric!”
“I know, you could stay down here you know? Get away from everyone” Harry thinks for a moment, spending time with Sirius does sound better than confronting his friends but he can't put it off.
“Thanks sirius but i should talk to them before i do anything else” He surprises me by laughing, clapping a hand pon my shoulder he shakes his head and grins.
“You definitely got your brain from Lily, me and James were never very responsible” It's another comparison but it's one Harry doesn't hate,the only thing about him that's said to be alike to his mother is his eyes.
“You knew mom?” Harry feels stupid for asking, of course he did he goes to rephrase it but sirius seems to know what he meant
“yeah me and lily were friends,not as close as others were but we had some fun times together” he must seem the hopeful look in my eye at the mention of my mother “i'll tell you about her maybe sometime over yule,merlin! I've got a great story… anyways you should go upstairs”
“thank you sirius”
“you're welcome pup, now go go go. Your rooms the second one the right, you can't miss it kreachers always sulking around the door”
Everyone had a fatal flaw; Ron's inability to see reason when he feels strong emotions, and Hermione's was her constant trust in authority figures. Surprisingly by the end of the argument conversation Ron was the only one who he could get through,Harry felt he was only apologizing because he didn't wanna argue more but Hermione was adamant that she did the right thing. It didn't matter how much they had been through together, or how worried she was about her struggling friend, Dumbledore told her to not have any contact with her best friend;so she didn't. It took them longer than usual to make up– they were both stubborn and Harry was tired of acting like he could forgive and forget all the time.
Therefore the next day Harry spent his time handing the ‘heirlooms’ off to Kreacher's instead of throwing them out like Ron and Hermione were doing. It wasn't what he wished to spend his day away from the dursleys doing but it got him in the kreacher's good graces,especially after he handed him some locket that the elf spent a good minute crying over. Harry spent the rest of his break trying to get more information about what the plan for Voldemort was, but since he was “too young” he couldn't get much from anyone other than sirius. Apparently they had aurors guarding something in the ministry.
“hall of prophecy” he heard Remus say when passing by the kitchen.
When he wasn't trying to get information he was with Sirius listening to stories of his early childhood,he learned that he's not only Sirius's godson but also his heir;whatever that means. Sirius promised to tell him more over christmas break,he went to his hearing and thankfully got un-expelled. Shopping for school supplies was quick and fast, none of the order wanted to be seen out in public;especially not harry.
The daily prophet slandering his name was enough attention as it was,he wasn't ready for people's reactions when term started again but he didn't have a choice. On September first he, the Weasley family and Hermione are escorted by order members and a mangy looking dog. People stare– either because he's ‘the boy who lied’ or because of the spectacle they are making,but either way they're staring;and Harry hates it. Dolores Umbridge is a pink nightmare,he hates her for overthrowing his home,he hates her for calling him a liar and he hates that he doesn't hate the blood quill. Don't get him wrong, he hates the humiliation of it all but…he does deserve it.
It feels good to finally get rid of that ache of guilt that formed when he Cedric murdered “kill the spare” a raspy voice said He deserves this punishment,the pain,the blood. He's alive to bleed;to feel pain,it's all he's ever known. He thinks about trying it when it's in his control,although he doesn't think he could get a blood quill of his own. He didn't have much time to think about it because of how busy he was with the DA and letters with Sirius.
He doesnt get to talk to him much ever since Umbridge had the mail checked but Harry read dozens of pages detailing the adventures of the marauders. Harry thought his passing notice of attractive boys was just that,but hearing Sirius go on about ‘his moony’ Harry thinks maybe he doesn't know himself as well as he did. With occlumency lessons and terrible blinding migraines from Voldemort, Harry doesn't have much time for a sexual crisis.Harry was counting down the days until Christmas break;so happy to see Sirius and be free of Hogwarts' recently suffocating presence.
Stepping through the halls of grimmauld his heart beats with anticipation as he sees Sirius rushing towards him,face happy;arms wide.
“Pup!” he exclaims.
During the week-long holiday he and Sirius spend as much time together as possible,Harry feels the happiest he's ever been;the most understood. Sirius had just given him his presents (an old leather jacket and a mirror of his dads that they would talk through) and was now reminiscing about his memories with mom.
His barking laughter carries throughout the sitting room “so me and your mom decided to prank them! James had just done one to her,which made her sing a ballad about James anytime she thought about him and me a moony had just gotten into a lovers quarrel” he looks wistful as he speaks.
Harry has a feeling Sirius is thinking about old memories that aren't very pleasant,if the sudden change of his face is anything to go by.
“Harry” he starts “i know about the food;the hoarding” He hears his heart in his ears,his palms start to shake and he's trying to figure out an excuse– he can't lose siriu-
“i understand” he says softly i look up at his grim face with shock
:.. Your parents?” harry questions with slow realization
he nods “yes” he lets out a bitter laugh “i know what it feels like harry,even now i still understand.” He suddenly grabs my arm “you can talk to me okay pup?Anything you need, I'm here.”
I tear up and laugh across the couch to hug him “Thank you.” I whisper he grabs my face with his hands, staring at his misty eyes “I know what it's like to be different harry.” The rest of the night is filled with stories about their childhoods,about how Sirius' mother used to hurt his brother if he didn't meet her standards,how he was on the end of his fathers wand more times than he could count. Harry told him about the cupboard,about vernons belt, and he showed him all of the scars he got from #4 Privet drive. Yule break passed faster than he would have liked,but even though he was going back to a place he wasn't very liked at(he was being attacked every day) he had a warm feeling in his stomach the whole train ride. Someone understood.
Not only did Sirius understand but he seemed to have an idea on how he could get Harry out of the Dursleys, and with him. “No matter what Dumbledore says,your safety comes first;you're not safe in that place.”
It's the first week of July and school is almost over. Harry has been getting by his detentions with the promise of seeing Sirius this summer,living with Sirius this summer;and forever after that. A real family. He's sitting with hermione in professor binns classroom when he suddenly gets a blinding pain in his head he sees sirius on a marble floor withering under the cruciatus curse “I'll never tell you about the prophecy!” “I'll die before I give you anything!” he manages to get out between screams he or rather voldemort chuckles a raspy laugh “ yes, yes it appears you will”
He woke up gasping for air, Hermione was hovering over him and he thought he could make out her muffled voice asking if he was okay,but he couldn't focus.he needed to get to sirius he needed to save him;he couldn't lose him. How can he leave all floods blocked,and he can't even apparate!
“Harry!” hermione exclaims as she shakes him “what did you see”
“It's Sirius mione! I have to get him voldemort has-”
“Harry slow down think about this-”
“NO! There's no time to help him!”
She looks hesitant but then nods “we can use umbridge's floo,she should be out right now”
On the way there Harry tells her that he recognized Sirius was at the ministry,when they got to the professor's office it didn't go as planned. After nearly being subjected to veritaserum escaping umbridge and leaving her to the centaurs,Harry and his group left. Flying on each thestrals was Ginny and Luna, Hermione and I and Neville and ron. In the midst of our escape we collected more people;more people id be putting in harm's way.
The whole journey is a blur he barely registers seeing lucius malfoy and sirius crazy cousin,he's fighting on autopilot,he needs to get to sirius. They end up in a big room with only a misty arch. Sirius is not here–why isn't he here?
When the death eaters show up he's not surprised,he realized he was foolish not to call sirius. Obviously he wasn't here,but what if he's hurt anyways? His worry carries on as he fights with death eaters, he watches hermione stun nott as ron narrowly dodges a purple curse coming from one of the carrow twins. Finally the order shows up along with sirius;Harry feels like he can finally breathe. He dodges curses left and right until he's side by side with Sirius dueling. Bellatrix and Lucius are ruthless but Harry finally manages to stun him.
“Nice one james!” Sirius yells. Harrys so caught off guard by the mistaken name that he misses the chance to block the cure Bellatrix sent. The curse that sent Sirius falling back into the misty arch. ‘The veil’
He sees the light fade out of Sirius' eyes and he uselessly tries to get out of Remus's arms.he can't believe this;this can't be real.
He tries to find some reason,maybe this is another dream! It has to be.
He tears his head at the sound of cackling laughter “I killed Sirius black! I killed Sirius black!” That's what it does. That's what breaks him out of his haze.
Bellatrix Lestrange Former black,Voldemort's right hand,Sirius cousin, murdered him. His only family,the only one who understood him–she took him from him. She shouldn't be here,she shouldn't be laughing(so similar to Sirius) dancing around happily. She should be the one dead. Harry breaks free of remus arms, points his wand at bellatrix with only on thought in mind “Avada Kedavra”