Training days
YEAR 1980 P.A.
The gun weighted heavily in her small hand.
Annie Leonhardt Ackermann was in the Scouts for a year. A long year of physical and mental training, lessons of hand-to-hand combat and endurance, endless slogans about importance of their mission... It didn't matter to Annie that much as she thought it would, she didn't feel hope as she heard about it all.
Year has passed and new lesson came, lesson that finally brought excitement to her bones. She never shoot before, Levi never let her close to any gun, nobody did. Some stories about shooting someone reached her, all of them were brutal, uneasy, scary... She liked how they sounded, she liked the idea of gun being an ultimate weapon that can kill everyone, she will be save with a gun.
They stood in line, weapons in their hands and red shield few meters in front of them. Annie was at the edge of the group, the closest person to her being Jean Kirsten that treated her with justified aversion. Hange Zoë was the one to teach them shooting, Annie remembered her from 5 years ago as she was guarding over her in hospital and later were deciding what to do with her amongst Erwin and Levi.
"You might hear about painful outcome of the shooting." Hange started loudly while throwing everywhere her, covered in gloves, hands. "And no, I don't mean the victim of the bullet, I mean the shooter's pain. " She laughed at her own joke, everyone else in the room staying quiet. "We all know that loud... Ka-booms down there are dangerous so we developed new dynamites to not make any sounds but... It isn't about them today"
Annie disliked how easily distracted the woman was, but what could she do about it?
"Okay, so, guns." Hange smirked. "To isolate the sound of explosion happening while shooting, scientists tried lots of different ways, but only one worked. They tried to trap the explosion inside the gun so it won't be heard from the outside but it caused the weapon to blow up, that is when they decided to redirect sound waves to the body of the shooter. You all are the beginners so some of you might broke some fingers, arms... Whatever... But don't worry, your arm can be trained to adapt to waves, after few months of training, you will barely feel them."
"Ma'am, what about different types of guns? Do their waves..." Armin started, always the curious one.
"Oh, right! That's a good question I almost forgot to mention!" She interrupted him. "The longer the bullet can fly, the more damaged your arm will be, so now we start with the smallest length, then, after a year or so, you will have it longer, and longer, and... Y'know what I mean. Guns you now hold can reach twenty meters in front of you, the next level is 25, 30, and on and on, and on. Every level it gets easier. So, let's begin!"
Young Scouts looked at her confused, what were they supposed to do? Of course, they had an idea of how it works but the whole arm-breaking scenario? Killing someone close to you accidentally? No, thank you, let's take it slower, please, explain.
"You guys are so clueless, it is so god-damn frustrating." Hange rolled her eyes and reached for the closest kid.
Jean was the (un)lucky one, she grabbed his gun and aimed at the shield. Seconds later she shoot, no sound escaped the weapon and the only visible outcome of the bullet flying was the smoky spot right in the middle of the target. Annie also noticed Hange's arm twitching lightly as it took all the strength of explosion. It wasn't ąny serious damage, the woman barely mind it, she probably didn't feel it at all after so many years of training.
Hange passed the gun to its previous owner and when everyone still looked awkwardly around, waiting for some commands that will let them begin, Hanger groaned. "Come on, kids! We don't have the whole day! We need to start early so your bones will heal quicker!" She cheered up but the image still didn't make them do anything. "Fine, we are beginning from the left side, nobody is getting away from this."
She pointed at the child next to Jean that was Annie. Everyone's eyes landed on the small girl curiously. Their "teacher" stared at her too. Annie hated attention like this, why couldn't they look at her when she does something cool? Why do they always find themselves a moment to look at her just when she is completely clueless and not experienced?
Yes, she was exited to try shooting but she preferred private lessons where the only people who could see her were Levi and Mikasa. She would prefer to figure it out on her own, without any curious gazes on her.
Annie put on the most convincing "I'm so sure about this" face she could and aimed at the middle of the shield. She won't do it perfect the first time and she knew it, it was very frustrating to think that, but it won't hurt to try, maybe she was born with talent?
When her hands stopped trembling (God, it was so embarrassing for everyone to see her shaky hands), she breathed in air the last time before pulling the trigger. No sound reached their ears, as Hange promised, but pain possessed her entire hand, also as Hange promised.
Three of Annie's fingers were dislocated, slowly changing their colour to purplish. Her wrist was damaged too, it was almost impossible to move it without sudden attack of suffering. Tears appeared in her blue eyes, but she blinked them all back in, she won't allow herself to cry in front of them.
Annie clenched her working fist and bit the middle of her cheek to not cry. Hange didn't warn them that the gun will also get hotter the moment they pull the trigger, the girl noticed as her hand was bright red with slowly appearing burn marks. At least, there was no blood, most of the injuries being inside.
"Oh, fuck." Hange cursed under her breath, Annie discovering new Paradisian words in the process. "I totally forgot about the gloves! The mechanism inside the gun gets heated to cause the bullet to fly out... Gloves are the biggest need in shooting!"
The woman kneeled next to Annie and grabbed her injured hand through her leather gloves harshly, making it ache more. Annie shut her eyes. Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry... She didn't, but it was difficult to achieve that as Hange was carelessly throwing her wrist at every possible angle.
"Piece of shit..." Hange murmed as her eyes reached the burn marks. "Not you, of course, for the first time, you've done amazing job and handled it all well..." Hange stated and it made Annie's heart go lighter, she stopped caring about her dislocated wrist for few seconds as joy took over her. Hange is proud of her... "Gun is the piece of metal shit. It might cause you some permanent scars. Go to the nurse, she is next doors."
Annie did as she command her to, quickly, craving for something to heal her wounds. As she walked out the room, she smiled through tears. She done amazing job, it's all that kept her mind busy. She didn't care if she missed the middle by few centimeters, neither five, or fifteen kilometres, she did an amazing job and no matter what that meant, it was a good feeling.
>---
Half a year went by quickly and Annie was top of her class in shooting and fighting for first place with Mikasa in every other class. Now, they were in hand-to-hand combat lessons taught by Levi. They were Annie's favourite lessons, sometimes, she felt like she was 10 again and she with Mikasa are the only people that mattered in the whole world, guarded by Levi.
"Tie." Levi announced as everyone's attention was fully caught on Mikasa and Annie's fight.
Levi always chose just them to battle, he knew that any other opponent wouldn't be enough to handle any of them. He did that to save the others but he couldn't help by notice how Mikasa and Annie's conflict grew every second. He never got information about what they argued about but he wasn't sure if he wanted to know.
Everyone always only cared for them fighting, everyone else wanted to make it easy for their opponent, not wanting to hurt their friend, except for them. Rumours about past they shared echoed every time someone mentioned odd, withdrawn Annie. Rumours were getting louder with their every fight as they shared looks full of resentment, pain and regret. While fighting, Mikasa and Annie acted like there was nobody else in this world, their rivalry blooming everyday.
It came to everyone's suprise how Levi never seemed to care enough to stop the fight between them. He often did when someone hit their opponent to hard, almost knocking them out, or when he noticed not-fair-play move, or when he thought the injury might be more serious than it is on the surface. He always tried to keep in touch with the group, except for them.
Annie laughed quietly at him, when did he decided to change his way of teaching? Where was his brutality, showing off his strength and not caring about how tired you are?
"Don't act like you don't hear me, Mikasa." Levi spat out as the girl still held Annie's collar, pinned her against the ground and threaten with fist to hit her.
"We are not done yet." Mikasa stated harshly, pressing Annie onto the ground even harder.
Sometimes Mikasa hated her wholely, not letting any positive memory cross her mind, reminding herself every chance she got how Annie hurt her friends, how jealous she was, where she comes from... That is when she won. Sometimes she missed her, those warm, kind evenings they shared, seeing Annie as a friend again, her first friend. That is when she lost.
Today was a tie, Mikasa couldn't decide what Annie is to her. Her plan to destroy Annie's image to everyone didn't work, she didn't even start to spread ant harmful rumours towards her. For reason one, everyone already disliked Annie and didn't need Mikasa's help to drive on cruel stories about her and for reason two, Mikasa grew sentimental over her.
Annie sensed her mood for today, she smiled. Actually, one of the main reason to not hang out with Annie around young Scouts was that she always smiled in the weirdest moments. When she was hit, destroyed, hurt, when someone said something cruel towards her, she always grinned as the response. Like she enjoy it.
"If you say so." Annie let the match continue, adoring every minute of it, even as she laid bruised up beneath Mikasa.
Her hands were still free, she got her body higher and punched Mikasa's cheek hardest she can. The body of black haired girl lost its balance and most of its weight were focused on the left side. Annie took advantage of it, freeing herself using Mikasa's weakened right side. She rolled over then so now Annie was the one on top. She quickly fixed her position, making it more stable so she sat on Mikasa's chest, crushing her shoulders with her knees.
Blood dipped from Annie's nose on her opponent face as they were drenched with sweat more and more every moment. They never knew when to stop, they always craved more, searched for every weak side of the other one. The older they got, the more unstoppable they were. Annie no longer wanted to stop only because Levi wants them to, no, she will stop when they no longer have an ability to do so.
"Stop!" Levi raised his voice furiously, he despite when they lost control over themselves. Why do they know how to be calm and precise about everything, except for each other? "Annie, get off her. Now."
Annie didn't want to stop. Her fist raised over her head froze there for a moment or more. They are not done yet, as Mikasa said, they still have regrets, jealousy and pain buried deep into their hearts. Annie didn't want to stop, but she promised herself to take orders, to be good soldier who don't care about their own needs, she resisted all of her desires to destroy Mikasa's pretty face and did as Levi asked her to.
Lesson was over, it was over ten minutes ago, Annie didn't have to stay there, around them, anymore. She glanced last time at Mikasa's body, not being brave enough to look at their teacher, and left the place towards her own room.
>---
The worst part was, they seemed not to care. It wasn't about the rest of the group pointing at her, leaving her out, it wasn't about Mikasa's strong punches making her gain a black eye almost every week, no. It was about Levi who acted like he forgot who they were to each other, like the moment Annie joined the Scouts all of their shared evenings vanished. Erwin didn't as well, but she still had hope that he do cares, he is just very busy, it was the only thing that kept her going for the long time as there was no one else.
They didn't care about her being top class in most of subjects, her progress in shooting, fighting... There wasn't a single person to acknowledge her existence, she was eight again in those cold mansion owned by Ackermanns, lonely, pouring her intrusive thoughts and furiousity into drawings.
Drawings stayed, all around her room they laid scattered, a memory of passion that once kept her alive. Past, it didn't work anymore, she lost the passion. Ideas of what to sketch, adoration for creating perfect objects, people on the paper, it was all far gone. There were evenings, a lot of them, when she pulled out a piece of blank paper and her pencil to force herself to draw. Night ended, paper was still blank.
No people were captivating enough to draw them, she couldn't draw without a reference, she never had good imagination to figure out herself what the person could look like. Landscapes were boring, she had a quick phase of sketching the cityscape but it ended fast, they were all the same, drawing copy of a copy just in another angle didn't feel exiting enough. No other landscape was there to paint, the only ones she knew were the city ones and her own room, which was a horrible reference for a painting.
Sometimes the landscape of the forest screamed at the back of her mind to by drawn, her clear memories of those few hours she spent on the outside haunting her still, in her nightmares. She never answered the screams, she didn't want to come back there, she is a different person now! Or at least that is what she tells herself.
Passion for creating was gone as she found everything already created not good enough to be seen. She didn't want to create another useless piece. Origami got given up on also, it was an art of perfection, one bad fold and the whole build is destroyed. It always drove Annie crazy when she missed something just by a multimeter, creating a little asymmetry, a mistake she could never forgive herself. Not to mention origami has the same problem as drawing, there wasn't enough reference, she couldn't find any more books with instruction and didn't have enough of creative mind to form something by her own. Emptiness, world around her offered her nothing except for longing.
Annie quit creating, she couldn't accept the fact that sometimes she can't generate enough of afflatus to drive her into the mood of total focus into the piece. For her, there was no point in art if you can't pour your whole heart into it, when she began to have problems with that, she saw no point in her doing it as well, no matter how therapeutic it was to her, no matter how it helped her and how it was one of the few things that were only hers.
She gave up on fantasy (as she called a power to create art) and focused fully on reality. Only lessons mattered, only future missions mattered, she only satisfy her physical hunger, not the hunger that rot deep into her soul, hunger for love, attention, creation of something good. Yes, her free from chores afternoons where empty, no excitement, no hobbies, no joy, but she always denied that, stating that any of this is useless and isn't that important to her as serving in the military.
Training helped to keep her mind busy, every morning, before anyone woke up, she went to the gym, or she ran around the streets. Tiredness from it healed her, she enjoyed her muscles aching and sweat falling down her nape.
Everyone else in the Scouts seemed not to appreciate their physical training as much as she did, most of them complained, some od them didn't take it serious. Mikasa, as an exception she always was, seemed unbothered to progress, to be stronger as she is already the best at it all. Annie didn't care about their opinions, if they don't care about her, why would she? Exercises healed her, satisfaction that came from it made her heart lighten up a bit. Her body, once skin and bones, began to form hardened muscles and biceps.
It was almost unnoticeable change, but as Annie stared at her body almost every evening, her thoughts about her body being disgusting, ugly vanished. It motivated her, she knew that if she will keep it up, In few years her silhouette would be truly beautiful and her future appearance will only add to her strength.
Annie will succeed, she'll do it, so they will start to care.
>---
First place, top scores. It wasn't the first time concepts like that mattered, it was like reliving through the tournament again. The best of the best will be priced. The prize was a mission, first, true mission with the older Scouts, finally having an opportunity to test their abilities. Only one person will be worthy of it.
Young soldiers didn't see anything wrong in it, they couldn't notice that it meant that Scouts are growing smaller and smaller every day and that they need to help themselves with children.
Mikasa and Annie were the only one took under consideration. They placed the highest in every class, the only lessons they didn't were strategy which was Armin Arlert's thing. But in every other field, it was always a fight between Annie and Mikasa.
"Out of 20 lessons you have..." Hange Zoë announced. "Armin is top in one, Mikasa in nine and Annie in ten. We don't have time for arguments, who deserved it more or less, Annie is going to the quest."
The chosen girl didn't cheer, no one did. She kept tying bandages around her grazed wrists. Maybe, she trained a bit to hard this morning, maybe she shouldn't keep doing it all till she reached blood.
"Annie, come with me." Hange commanded and left the room, she followed her.
In the quiet, empty corridor, the woman sighed. "Listen, you are just thirteen so if you wouldn't like to..."
"I would like to." She interrupted, forgetting about authority Hange had over her. She didn't apologise as as she thought it is to late to do so.
"Don't you worry about being an outcast even more? Y'know, they will..."
"No. I don't care."
Hange looked at her and Annie noticed a bit of pitt in her eyes. Since when does she care? Since when do anyone in this world care about Annie? The girl decided to ignore it, staying in her "everyone hate me" bubble.
"The mission is to take over factory producing drugs." Hange explained. "I know we were supposed to explore the world outside but elections about to happen, Ackermanns are really desperate to win them. They try to cause as much good as they can. Get ready tomorrow at 18 o'clock, okay?"
Annie nodded. The woman ordered her to go to her room, she did as she pleased. And as she reached there, she smiled like a child she is the whole night. After all she's done, she is finally getting recognition she craved. Maybe they didn't forget about her, maybe they truly need her... She loved that feeling, it was more addictive than any drugs that are produces in that good damn factory.
>---
The gun weighted heavily in her small hand.
But she got used to it.
"Fire only when needed." Sounded the commands. "We need to do it as quietly as possible, not causing any harm." Erwin's words were steady, confident. "Let's start."
She was the youngest in the group of 10. The atmosphere was dark, it was like even the light over their heads decided to weakened up its spark. Which didn't make any sense, lanterns got darker around 22 o'clock, it was way too early for that.
Annie was supposed to stay outside, guarding the mission with the man called Moblit as the rest of the Scouts take over the place. Factory had light gray walls, this building was freshly made, it was a suprise for everyone for what it was used. It didn't look like stereotypical, shaggy place drug dealers would chose.
Entrance they chose was in the back of the factory, small doors that, based on Hange's speculations, led towards the centre of the building. Annie was ordered to stay just by the doors, Moblit took up farther localisation. Scouts, led by Erwin, entered the place.
>---
For something around an hour, it was all quiet. Annie grew bored, she imagined her debut being more... Exciting, groundbreaking, world-changing. And here she is, in an empty valley, herself being her only company. Her training never decided to pick up how to stay focused on long quest where patience was key.
But then it happened.
She heard footsteps, but they didn't come from inside the building. They came from the alley. Someone is heading towards her. The sound was loud, heavy, like the person walking doesn't care about someone hearing them. Annie froze, it can't be Moblit, he would try to be more discreet...
Annie looked around, panic taking over her. She wished for a place to hide but nothing around her seemed to be a right spot. Her only choice is to fight against the heading danger. As she reached for the gun attached to her belt but she couldn't. Someone was holding her wrist.
It all happened so fast she couldn't register it. One second she is complaining about her boredom and the second one she is fighting for her life? Grip around her hand was tight, she could break from it as the stranger pulled her back onto his hard torso.
Her weapon flew across the quiet street, she had nothing to protect herself with. She knew she had to warn them, but she couldn't as manly hand blocked off her mouth. He is planning to choke her.
His hand went from her wrist to her neck, grabbing it harshly, fingers hitting spots that will make her hurt even more... Annie's body got raised over the ground, she tried to kick her oppressor but he seemed to not care about it.
And when all hope for deafening him disappeared, she suddenly felt a gun against her thigh. It was bigger than the one she was used to, yes, but it was her last chance. Her hands were still free, she knew that in few minutes she will begin to faint, she needs to act now.
She reached for the weapon of the stranger, he didn't expect that. As she touched it she grinned against his hand, she won. She pulled out the way bigger gun than she was learnt to use and aimed at his head. Or at least she hoped so, her eyes couldn't reach his face. She stared at the blank wall in front of her as she felt his muscles against the weapon, she still stared as she shot.
He began to loosen his grip, she escaped from it quickly after that. She turned around to see the man grab his bleeding throat and falling. She won. The stranger hit the ground and his blood flown all around him. As he began to choke, her victory became reality.
He died, as quickly as he threatened her.
Survival instinct escaped into back of her head as she felt sudden pain in her hand. She thanked God that this time, she had gloves put on. But gloved couldn't isolate the impact of the explosion the weapon made. Her wrist, that he held before, was aching, four of her fingers were dislocated. It hurt, but she preferred to be hurt than dead.
Annie hated quiet guns. For her, it felt unnatural for such a weapon to not make any sound. In her mind it was like guns were created to scream, but their sounds got blocked off by the environment they had to adapt to.
Another footsteps reached her ears, this time, she knew she was safe. She heard doors unlocking before she heard them, Scouts finished their mission.
Levi was the first one to approach her. He ran and grabbed her by her shoulder, making her face him.
"What happened? Who is he? Couldn't you do anything else?" He almost shout at her. Suffering appearing in his eyes, Annie couldn't guess from what it came from. Was it the fact that she is truly a monster that kills everyone around her? Did memories of Petra's dead body flashed in front of his eyes? Or, maybe, it is guilt of raising her into what she became?
Maybe, he feels sorry for her.
She guessed, she will never figure out what he was truly like. He is a higher rank, he is over her, no matter how much she tried to be better than everyone, she couldn't help but find exceptions. Those exceptions haunted her, Mikasa, Levi, Erwin... They all seemed so over it all. Maybe, Annie is not destined to reach this level, and all of her work will end up being useless.
"Levi." Someone called, no, not just someone, it was Erwin. His voice echoing through the alley but not only there, every time he spoke it was like the whole world stopped just to listen to him.
The commander grabbed Levi by his shoulder, the same way Levi grabbed Annie's. Two men locked eye contact, fighting quietly, their bond strong enough to no words being spoken for them to understand. Levi lost, he let go Annie and took few steps back, but those uncalled emotions about his... Almost daughter, still pierced through his eyes.
"It was necessary, right?" Erwin asked her softly, crouching in front of her.
She nodded, she seemed to lost all the strength to even explained what happened. But Erwin looked like he understood. Memories of Petra and the rest of their squad didn't take over him as easily as it did with Levi. Annie thanked him for that unconsciously.
"You are safe now. We succeeded." Erwin's hand placed on her nape, pulling her closer. She didn't notice when he put her head on his shoulder, Annie's eyes teared up, it felt so heavenly... "You did such a great job, Annie."
And that was what she needed for those past few months or so, this is what she waited for. Annie's eyelids grew heavy, she fainted, leaning on his body. She truly felt safe. It was all good what happened.
As she woke up in her room, nobody around her anymore. She stated proudly, that she loved the feeling his words caused. No other words could put it just right to describe enormous joy feeding her heart.
>---
Mikasa told them.
Satisfactory that came from her first mission quickly disappeared as she realised it. At first, she acted like she doesn't care, trying to convince herself and everyone around her. She didn't. But how could she not care about her once best friend telling everyone her biggest secret?
Annie didn't remember how it reached her. It was like one day she woke up, and she knew. She knew that they know about her roots.
Annie Ackermann is no Ackermann. She isn't even a Paradisian.
They glanced at her even more untrusty than before. Room went quiet as she entered. When the topic was Paradis's neighbours, all eyes were pointed at Annie.
She is one of them, what is she doing amongst us? They all quietly asked, Annie prayed for a good response to that nurturing question. No matter how much she tried, it never came. Annie surviving through it all, being "guarded" over by the second wealthiest family in Paradis... It was truly a miracle, no one understood them, even Annie.
She thought it is just another brick thrown towards "Annie is a freak" house, until one night when it finally reached her. She could no longer ignore it.
After lessons, duties and additional training she picked up herself, she was heading towards her room. Corridors almost dark, only light coming from weak lanterns outside the mansion. Her hand already at the doorknob when someone spoke to her.
"Is it true?" Stressed, but curious, boyish voice reached her, and she knew immediately who it was.
"Eren." She called him, eyes wandering around the place to find him and... Here be was, standing next to the window. "Don't bother me."
"Answer me." His high-pitched tone annoyed her, if he was so scared then why is he even here?
"About what?"
"Y'know." He murmed. She did, she just craved for those words to be said out loud, she was tired of whispers. She shrugged. "Do you really come from... Marley?"
Silence was all he needed. Half-closed Annie's eyes, piercing through him. All the evidence he needs, but he still stayed. This wasn't his last question.
"You were outside." Eren stated. "How was it out there?"
Flashbacks drowned Annie's mind. They were always equally horrifying. No matter, it it was about her kills, her being exiled by her own father from Marley, or Levi's ignorance and hatred towards her. It all always came back, she tried to stop it but every time it hit her harder.
"Annie." He was frustrated, her unclear answers, or none of them. Quietness, coldness and bitterness taking up the space of the corridor. How could Mikasa like someone like her? "Why can't you just respond?"
"And give you all more reasons to despite me?" Annie spat out. "Not like I care." She whispered seconds after, more to herself than the boy next to her.
Annie's fingers are lady pressed the door knobs, she was about to leave him alone there, but he decided to pick up another topic taking over his mind.
"I've heard someone got killed on your first mission, not someone from us, an enemy." Eren began. "Why do I have a feeling you were the one to murder them?"
She scanned his body before sending a small, devious smile to him.
"You have a very good intuition."
Door got opened up quickly after her last words to him, she locked them up. She truly would hate for someone to bother her any more.
Her nails drew white lines amongst her wrist. Why does it always have to be her? In every situation, every moment it is always somehow connected to her. There wasn't time in her life when she didn't feel like everything around her wasn't a personal attack.
With what Mikasa has done, she was just kicking already dead body. Annie's past ambitions to be proud of who she is vanished. Her new plans towards herself changed that one evening. She no longer wanted to be treated like an outcast, she no longer felt like sacrificing everything for the sake of being a perfect soldier.
In the morning, she preferred to forget about her dreams she has before falling asleep. But they always came back, the same way corpses did. They didn't have to appear in her nightmares, her whole life was one, she never had to fall asleep to survive through the darkest ones.
She hated that feeling.