if you asked james potter who he loves, he wouldnt be able to answer. the list of names that run through his head is overwhelming. his instinct would be to say sirius black, because sirius black was his other half. but then hed remember the love of his life, lily evans. the girl he fell in love with every day since eleven years old. then hed want to say his mum, euphemia potter. the woman who taught him love in the first place. next, hed want to tell you about the first people to teach him what it meant to love someone by choice. peter pettigrew was his first friend in the world. growing up on the same road, playing every night until the street lamps came on. marlene mckinnon, their third pea in their pod.
thats what they were, really. three peas in a pod. from the moment they met, they clicked. but things started changing when they got to hogwarts. james met sirius, and their bond was unlike anything peter had ever seen. marlene met mary, and he watched with joy as their group grew from three peas in a pod to one big family. it wasnt until third year that he began to feel like an outsider. like maybe they had their own pods, really. james, sirius, and remus all seemed to be in on an inside joke that peter wasnt. marlene, mary, and lily found solace in each other that peter felt he couldn’t provide. james and marlene kept their bond. it would be hard not to with daily quidditch practices. that sense of teamwork carries over into friendship.
over their time at hogwarts, peter felt it. their groups merged, but he still felt like he was an outsider. james and lily, sirius and remus, marlene and james, mary and sirius, lily and remus. somehow he was always on the outside. when whispers of war started flooding through the school, peter felt fear for his friends. for himself.
at some point, he guesses, he became a sort of loner in the group. maybe thats why it was so easy for one of voldemorts men to corner him. and then his life was threatened, and suddenly he felt the weight of being an outsider. he wondered in that moment if any of his friends would have given him up to spare their own lives. when he couldn’t answer for sure, he decided that was enough.
he played double agent for a few years. apparently he wasnt secret enough, because marlene started getting suspicious. it makes sense, really. she was his first friends, with james. but james was too blinded by his overwhelming love for everyone around him to notice.
when it came down to it, the choice between his own life and marlene's was easy.
that said, though, he will never forget the look on her face when she realized why he had shown up at her door.
he grieved. he really did. maybe that doesnt make much sense, because she died by his wand, but he did grieve. he missed his friend. he had missed her for years.
when harry potter was born, he was so excited for a godson. of course it would be him, right? james was his best friend since before hogwarts.
when james asked sirius instead of peter, peter felt the blood running down his back. the anger running up his spine. and maybe, because james wasn’t completely blind, it was then when he realized something was off with peter.
maybe thats why he asked peter to be his secret keeper. to try and ease his hurt. but it didn’t work, did it? his anger had built. peter had been building anger since fourteen years old. and when voldemort came to peter asking for information, he didnt feel remorse when he offered up the location of james potter, lily evans, and their son.
no, he felt remorse when three days later, two days before james was due to die, he was interviewed by the paper. when the interviewer asked james who he loved and james stopped, racking his brain for an answer. he could have said sirius, or lily, or his mum, or even his son. but after going through the list in his head, he smiled and said, “the other peas to my pod. one of them isnt here anymore, and that hurts. but i hope the third knows that he was the first person i chose to love.”
james potter loved with his entire self. he continued to love peter pettigrew until the night he died. in his final moments, he thought about everyone on his list. he thought about peter. and he knew, because peter was his keeper.
james potter loved peter pettigrew up until the moment he realized who was to blame for his death.
and maybe, because once you give love it’s hard to get it back, peter kept a piece of him even after.