"Will You Consider It?"
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“It’s alright Pats. You know it is. You know this doesn’t bother me… not at all.”
Delia moved the blankets aside and sat up, turning the bedside lamp on, then moving across the bed to join the redhead perched on the edge.
Patsy sighed and shook her head, rubbing at her temples with frustration. “You say that Deels, but…”
The brunette interrupted. “And I mean it. I always mean it.” Delia reached out and put her hand on Patsy’s arm.
The older woman stood up angrily and began pacing. “It’s 4am. And this is the third time this month already. You shouldn’t be forced to wake up with me and try to fix this mess in my mind just because I’m having nightmares again…. These nightmares shouldn’t still be happening… it’s all so much better… I don’t understand why they’re still here… I don’t understand why I can’t move on…” Patsy stopped and stared out the window with her arms crossed, fighting back tears. “I feel like I’m keeping you here trapped in this mess with me Deels… it affects everything… every part of me… every part of my life… and I hate that… and now it affects you and I hate that even more…”
“Pats, you’ve been burning the candle at both ends. You’re still not back up to par from the flu, work has been stressful, it’s understandable…”
“No, it’s not understandable Delia. How could you understand? You won’t ever understand what it was like, what this is like…”
Delia visibly cringed away from the sharp words as her shoulders dropped. She closed her eyes and leaned forward resting her elbows on her knees.
An uncomfortable silence filled the room.
Patsy immediately regretted her words and swore under her breath as she put her hands on her hips and sighed once more.
After a moment the redhead silently padded over to the edge of the bed and stood in front of the younger woman who had her head in her hands.
Patsy dropped to her knees and gently placed her palms on the brunette’s knees.
Delia picked her head up and looked down into bright blue eyes brimming with tears.
“I’m sorry Deels.”
“I know you are Pats,” Delia replied, unable to hide the exhaustion in her voice.
Patsy took Delia’s hands in her own, studying the finest of details on her lover’s palms. “I’m good at my job Deels. I’m very good at it… caring for patients… I can do that type of hard all day long… but this? I’m not good at this at all… Deels, I’m sorry I raised my voice, and I lost my temper, you shouldn’t have to deal with that too…”
“Patsy look at me.”
The redhead was surprised by the stern tone, and quickly looked up, finding the most serious expression she had ever witnessed on Delia’s beautiful face.
“I love you more than you will ever know. I love you so much sometimes I can’t even make sense of it. And because I love you, I’m going to say this only once, and then I’m going to leave the choice with you. I can’t stand seeing this pain in you. Not the physical pain, the pain in your heart of feeling so very alone in all this…”
“But I don’t feel alone…”
“Let me finish Pats. Yes, you aren’t alone. You have me and you will always have me. Nothing will change that. But you were partially right in what you said, I truly don’t understand what it was like, and I never will. But there are others who do know Pats. Others who faced similar things during the war. I think you should talk to them…”
“I don’t know what good talking about this with other damaged people would do…” Patsy said feeling another wave of anger as she pulled back and looked down at their linked hands.
“Damn this stubborn streak of yours,” Delia said quietly. She reached up and brushed red hair away from blue eyes. “I love how strong you are, but you mustn’t let it get in the way of healing. You won’t know if it will help unless you try it.”
Patsy sighed, then without warning, moved forward and rested her head in the younger woman’s lap.
Delia was surprised by her lover’s unexpected vulnerability and desire to be close.
“I’m tired Deels,” Patsy said quietly.
Delia felt a pain in her heart, knowing how many layers were embedded in the simple statement.
“I know you are sweetheart.” Delia traced gentle patterns in red hair then began a slow massage on the back of Patsy’s neck, feeling knots of tension. “I don’t want you to feel alone in what you experienced… will you at least consider talking to others who were there too?”
Patsy thought for a moment then nodded, feeling tears slip down her cheek and land on Delia’s thigh. “I don’t know how I would even begin to find others…”
“Leave that all to me love. I’ll get the details from Trixie…”
“Trixie? How would she..”
“When the nightmares picked back up last month I talked about it with Phyllis and Trixie again…” Delia trailed off, wondering if she had crossed a line.
“Deels, you know I want you to have support with all this too, it’s alright,” Patsy lifted her head and wiped away her tears, looking up at Delia.
For the first time she could see that the remnants of the nightmare were nowhere to be found in the older woman’s eyes. “Hello, sweetheart,” the brunette said with a smile as she placed her palm on Patsy’s cheek.
Patsy closed her eyes and smiled, turning and kissing her lover’s hand. “Go on then, what does Trixie know?”
“Quite a lot actually. You know she attends a group for children whose parents had PTSD from the war,” Delia said as she reached down to both of Patsy’s hands and pulled gently, encouraging her to join her on the bed.
Patsy rose and they both moved back under the covers, grateful to get warm again as Delia continued.
“Well, she asked her coordinator if there were any groups for those who were children in the camps, and he told her there were and gave her a phone number.”
Patsy fidgeted and wrapped her arm up over the pillow under her head, already looking grumpy again as she thought about the process. “So I need to call the number?”
Delia smiled with understanding. “No Pats. I would do the calling, I don’t want you to have to do any work at all to get this help. But I don’t have to call because Phyllis already did… last week actually. She also can’t stand you going through this sort of a thing and wants you to find relief if you can…”
Patsy reached down and took Delia’s hand, bringing it to her lips and kissing her knuckles. “I don’t deserve you all.”
“Don’t be a fool Pats, of course you do,” the younger woman said with a small laugh. “We all love you just as you are, but we would be so very happy if you could get a little bit more help with this part of the healing. And I believe it will only come from others who faced what you faced in the camp.”
Patsy nodded with appreciation, feeling her heart skip a beat with the love she felt for Delia. She leaned forward and kissed the brunette’s soft lips before parting again. “What did Phyllis find out?”
“Really good things Pats. There’s a group in London. It’s all survivors of the camps who were there as children. Men and women attend but they split off into smaller groups for most of the time so you would primarily be talking with just the women. The group leader Phyllis talked to said they often have 6-10 women come, and they would love to have you too.”
Patsy felt her anxiety rising thinking of attending and being forced to talk about her experiences.
Delia could see the thoughts behind her lover’s eyes and again reached out, letting her palm rest on her chest. “They don’t pressure you sweetheart. You get to do it at your own pace. Phyllis said the man was very kind… he said some go for months before they talk at all… and most have been encouraged to attend by those in their lives who are also affected… and they all still have bits and pieces come up… he said it’s normal but it gets easier when you meet others facing the same challenges…”
Patsy sighed already exhausted by it all. “I don’t know Deels, getting to the meeting after work could be difficult…”
“I already checked with Phyllis and she is more than happy to loan us her car on those evenings.”
“Us? You don’t have to go with me…”
Delia smiled. “I know I don’t have to go with you, I want to go with you. You don’t need to be worrying about traffic and driving and all that nonsense after something that may be a bit… tiring. Besides which, I get to have a nice dinner in London once a month if I go with you.”
Patsy laughed. “Oh you do, do you?”
“I absolutely do. My taxi services on those nights can be paid in full in the form of a dinner out with the most beautiful woman on earth.”
Patsy pulled Delia in, wrapping her arms around the brunette’s small frame, enjoying the way she nestled into her chest.
“Thank you,” she whispered as she placed a kiss on coffee colored hair.
Delia smiled, moving even closer. “Thank you, Pats. For being open to it. For always considering me… for being brave…”
Patsy traced patterns on her lover’s back feeling her nervous system relax after the nightmare and the tense conversation. “If it’s the third Thursday… that means the next meeting is this week… I think I’d like to go… will you go with me?”
Delia looked up, checking to be sure the redhead’s energy was connected, then leaned forward and kissed her, smiling as she felt a smile on her lover’s lips too. “Of course I will Pats. I’m proud of you.”
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