It didn't register when he had first said it. He just knows that he said it because it was the first thing he could think of. He was stressed out, being pressured, and dealing with the death of his mother who had unfortunately taken her life in front of him. She'd blame him right before she took that knife and stabbed herself over and over again in the same place, repeatedly telling Severus that it was his fault. He could hear her chanting over and over again, your fault… your fault… your fault… YOUR FAULT!
He'd heard it over and over again. It was stuck like a plague. He heard it in his head, his sleep, his dreams. It was like it was tempting him. Those same two words repeated in his ringing ears.
He remembered his reaction. He didn't move for a while, sitting in front of his mothers body. He sat there but didn't move from his place about three feet from her body. He didn't think he could move close. As it seems he would automatically lose the lunch he just barely had. Time took a stand still and he sat there. Even when he knew he should do the chores, clean the house, and make his father his dinner, he didn't move… he couldn't.
He gave no reaction when his father came home yelling out his name, demanding to know why the house wasn't cleaned, why his dinner wasn't made. Severus still didn't move and didn't seem to acknowledge his father's heavy feet stomping up the stairs or his silent tears that stained his cheeks, his black pools never leaving his mothers body. His ears began to ring, his body shook and pupils dilated but he didn't move, didn't breath. Likely thinking that if he did move, it would suddenly make his mother move from her place on the rugged floor.
He couldn't remember much after his mother took her life. He just knew that his father was angry and the next thing he knew, he was outside in the backyard on a hot summer evening. He was on his side with legs curled up, his arms laying near his head with his hair covering his face from view. He knew he was bleeding, laying in a pool of his own blood. But he couldn't bring himself to move or get up, instead he just layed. Kept himself planted to the ground and just laid. Blood spilling from his open wounds but he paid no mind and instead just laid. In that same position with his dull eyes glaring at the ground.
With barely any memory, he could faintly remember Lily finding him out in his backyard. She had grabbed her wand and cast a quick leviosa which lifted her friend but Severus didn't react. In fact, he laid there some more and didn't react until Lily had gotten Severus into her home. He could remember being patched up and Lily and her family being extremely concerned asking who did it, he gave no response. Instead, his dark eyes glared adamant at the floor before he passed out from blood loss and injury.
He had woken up to something soft and warm… It was fluffy and it made him want to go back to sleep and not get up ever again. He wanted to lay there. That's all he wanted to do was lay. But he knew he couldn't. He had to get up eventually… He had to get up and walk around, live out his life. He couldn't spend his time wallowing in his despair but he couldn't bring himself to move. Once again, time slowed and the world stopped working. He was terribly grateful for Lily's concern but really what was he to do?
His father hated him, his mother just ended her life because of him, the marauder's are prejudiced jerks, Dumbledore is one as well and Lily keeps siding with his tormentors. Not to mention him being specifically targeted by Voldemort and the Slytherins. He was alone, utterly alone. No one cared for him, no thought about him, no one even tried to make sure he was alright. He was sure his neighbors heard the screams coming from his home. Guess not then…
Hogwarts was no longer the school he wished to stay at. When he was a first year, he thought this was a perfect opportunity to escape the muggle world, escape his drunkard father and his cowardly mother. He dreamed of it ever since he had read about it in his mothers old school and work books. But then his dream shattered when he finally came to Hogwarts… Gone were the feverish and outlandish dreams of Hogwarts. Now was the unfortunate truth about Hogwarts. He really wanted this to be done. He was done.
As of right now, it was Saturday. He was laying on his floor in his dorm once again, one of the Slytherins kicking his side, knocking him back. He hated it here. He hated his classes, he hated the teachers, he hated the Headmaster, he hated the marauder's, he hated the Slytherins, he hated nearly everyone here.
"Come on Severus, get up. You can't just lay here being useless. The Dark Lord will require your presence when the time comes. He wouldn't appreciate you lying here being useless."
Severus had no clue who was kicking him and calling him useless but he quite literally didn't care. He wanted to cry, he wanted to scream, he wanted to get up and hex them, he wanted to fight back. But he couldn't. He can't. His body wouldn't move, it wouldn't even twitch. He was stuck.
All of sudden, the kicks stopped and whoever it was that was, they left. Apparently deciding that Severus was boring and wasn't worth the time. That this wasn't worth it, it wasn't worth it, he wasn't worth it. Severus really isn't sure if it bothers him or not. It likely doesn't.
So he continues to lay on the floor, curled up. He doesn't know how long he laid there. But he knows he laid there long enough for his stomach to be able to rumble to signal he was hungry and needed food. Nobody seems to have noticed that he wasn't in the great Hall either.
Heh…
He knew he wasn't special. He knew he wasn't worth anyone's time. He doesn't know why he bothered to hope. A single tear that he didn't think he was able to produce, streamed down his face before falling on the ground before Snape finally opened his mouth and spoke for the first time in months.
"It's all my fault…
"Albus, we have to do something! Something's clearly wrong with the poor child! He is clearly traumatized!"
Minerva was beginning to grow irritated. As out of character as it was, she was worried for Severus. He was growing apparently thin, there were dark circles under his eyes, and his usual dull deep brown eyes somehow seemed even more dull. And it was bothering her that no one seemed to want to do anything about it.
The only one who seemed even as remotely concerned as her was the medical healer, Poppy. And that was because she had to be. It was her job after all. And even then, she only seemed concerned because it got Minerva out of her office. Oh how much it was bothering her with how little they cared.
Well since no one else seems to want to do anything about it, she will.
"Albus this is not a situation you can just throw under the rug and say it's a 'misunderstanding'. "
She glared at him hard.
"This is serious (Sirius) Albus. This boy is clearly suffering and in need of medical care. If this continues to be swept under the rug, I will report you to the ministry of magic for child negligence. And will make sure you lose your position. Good day to you Albus."
She gave a fierce nod and left without so much as another word. God! She hated that man sometimes. He's so incredibly infuriating! Why does he have to be the one who saved the wizarding world in the first war.
She sighed before making her way to Slytherin tower when she hears voices. Three of them. One is Mulciber, the next is Malfoy and the last is Avery. (someone who quite literally never existed to Minerva until now.) What is going on? What were they doing and why did see hear Severus' name in the mix?
"We have to do something! The dark Lord will not be happy to hear about this. Who's idea even was it to send him back to his home, now he's traumatized and unresponsive!"
The Dark Lord? Do they mean Voldemort? How does a bunch of 16 year olds know who Voldemort is? Why are they talking about him away? Oh please don't tell Minerva that all the Slytherins are set up to take the dark mark? Oh god, Dumbledore has really set this school up for failure. She listened in to the rest of their conversation before she pretended to just walk up to their door after their conversation was over.
"Mr. Malfoy, Is there a possibility you could lead me to the whereabouts of one of your dorm mates?"
Lucious glared at Minerva, covering it up with an easy-going smile. "Of course I can be a professor. Which one do you need?"
Minerva frowned. She wasn't stupid, she saw the glare but shook her head anyway.
"Severus Snape."