Sirius had been sitting in the grass for what felt like forever, watching people pass by, birds fly through the air. He might have gotten the time wrong, but he swore Remus should have been here already. It was already bleeding into the late afternoon, he could see the time on the clock tower across the way. But it was no matter, truly he’d wait eternity for Remus.
Like the universe heard his thoughts, a familiar head of mousy curls came walking across the grass, dressed of course in one of those thick knits he seemed to always be wearing, even in the dead of summer (Sirius had scolded him for it a thousand times)
“Hi, love,” Remus said as he approached, smiling down at Sirius and lowering himself onto the grass in front of Sirius
“Hi, Moony” Sirius said with a smile, taking in Remus’s appearance briefly. The twinge of grey in his hair that seemed to spread every time he looked at the other man, that bit of scruffy facial hair he’d been letting grow longer recently. Though, Remus had been going grey since he was twenty. He used to be so insecure about it, worried it made him look old or ugly. Sirius would always just kiss the worry off of his face, showering him in affection until he at least pretended to believe he was as beautiful as Sirius said he was. Oh, how beautiful was his Moony.
“Sorry it’s so late.. got caught up with something, then the shop was ridiculously busy,” he groaned, holding up a bouquet of blue little flowers. They were forget-me-nots, Remus always brought him forget-me-nots. Anniversaries, birthdays, just because- always forget-me-nots. Sirius wasn’t sure if they were his favorite before Remus, or if they had just become his favorite because he associated them with the other man. “Line was practically out the door at the till.”
“It’s alright, I don’t mind waiting” Sirius said gently, watching as Remus set the flowers down beside him, softly as to not hurt the petals. Sirius was pretty sure he had read once, somewhere, that forget-me-nots symbolized eternal love, and he wasn’t certain anymore if that was even correct considering he had to have been a teenager when he read it, but it made them even that much more special every time he thought of it.
“Weathers a bit depressing today, huh?” Remus mused, looking up at the grey-blue sky, covered in clouds, moisture in the air, just that hinted smell of rain but not a drop falling.
“It’s not that bad” Sirius shrugged, more encapsulated by the vision of the grey tones of the sky reflecting off of Remus’s green eyes. Oh how Sirius loved Remus’s eyes.
“Suppose you always liked weather like this though” Remus mused, looking back towards Sirius, his eyes a bit glossy like he was lost in thought
“It’s cozy!” Sirius defended with a smile, shaking his head. It was cozy, when the air was stained with that petrichor smell and the dew clung onto the grass just a bit longer.
“I can’t stay for long today..” Remus began, and Sirius’s head tilted at that. He supposed it shouldn’t be that shocking, Remus did have a life outside of him after all, but he had been excited to see him and it was a bit sad to already hear their time would be cut short again. Always cut short.
“Got dinner plans tonight, but wanted to see you first,” Remus had a look in his eye, his brow furrowed and his eyes trained on a piece of grass he was picking at. Was something wrong? Had something happened? Was it Harry?
“What is it, love?” Sirius spoke into the air between them, studying Remus’s face, that crease on his forehead, the way his lips were tugged down. Something was wrong.
“It’s just, ah.. well, I’ve got something I want to tell you,” Remus began, not looking up to meet Sirius’s eye. He never met Sirius’s eye anymore. It made something ache in Sirius’s chest. “And I suppose it’s a bit silly to feel like I should have to tell you… but I do, I think”
Sirius was getting worried now, trying to decipher what could possibly be bothering Remus so much that he was struggling to even get the words out, Remus was never the best at talking about his feelings but Sirius had thought after all this time he’d gotten past that, atleast when it came to Sirius.
“You can tell me, I won’t be mad. I could never be mad at my Moony” Sirius reassured him, almost reaching out to put a comforting hand on his cheek but stopping himself before he did.
“I.. I’ve met someone-“ Sirius could feel the way his eyes instantly widened at that. Out of anything, he hadn’t expected that. Maybe he should have expected it, maybe he should have been preparing for something like this, but the thought had honestly never crossed his mind.
“-and I think you’d like her, really.. she’s great, Pads.” Remus went on, tears welling in his eyes, and Sirius felt the same sting behind his own eyes, tears begging to flow but never coming.
Sirius was silent, he didn’t know what to say- what he could say. What good would it do anyways, to say anything at all?
“I just wish I didn’t feel so guilty about it” and now Remus was actually crying, and Sirius wanted to kiss the droplets off his face, smooth them over and tell him everything would be alright.. it didn’t feel alright though. He wished it did, he wanted Remus to be happy, even if it meant not being happy with him. That didn’t mean it didn’t feel like a knife to the chest, just a bit.
“I’ll never stop loving you, Sirius.” Remus said, like it was a promise. Looking up, just past Sirius, not quite right at him. He wishes he would just look at him this once.
“..I wish it didn’t have to be this way” Oh those beautiful green eyes, so filled with tears. His voice was trembling, Sirius could even see the tremble in his hands.
“It’s okay, Moony. I understand.” Sirius assured him with a sad smile on his face, and oh how he wished he could reach out and comfort him, but he supposed that wasn’t possible, especially not now that Remus was officially no longer his.
“Her names Nymphadora. Guess I’ve got a type for you lot with weird names” the joke was bittersweet, the laugh wet and rough, his voice sounding a bit choked up, like he was shoving past the emotions balled in his throat to speak.
“Maybe I’ll bring her to meet you someday.. or maybe not, I’m not sure- I don’t know exactly what I’m supposed to do in this scenario,” Remus confessed, his head dropping down again to stare at the grass, such a defeated look on his face.
“I’d love to meet her.” Sirius encouraged, trying to be positive. His Moony was happy, and that’s all that mattered to him. He just wanted him to be happy.
In the distance the clock tower on the library across the way began to chime, and Remus’s head turned to the source of the sound, still sniffling and glossy eyed
“Shit.. times flying today,” he groaned, wiping at his eyes and swallowing that lump Sirius could imagine was in his throat, the same one he could practically feel in his own.
“I’ve got to run.. I’ll be back, I’m not sure when.” Remus hesitated, fidgeting with a petal on one of the flowers “I’ll be back.” he repeated, like he was reminding himself it was true. He wasn’t closing the book, only beginning to write a new chapter in it.
“I love you, Sirius. Fuck- I love you so much.” The tears were flowing again, they always were when Remus got up to leave. Sirius followed him up, fingers itching to just reach out.
“I love you too, Moony. Forever.” Remus took a step back, choking back his tears. His Moony, always trying so hard to be so strong. How Sirius wished he could take away the pain that weighs on the man’s shoulders.
“Say hi to the group for me, yeah? Send everyone my love.” Remus said with a bittersweet tone to his voice, scrubbing again at his face. Sirius wanted to grab his hand to stop him, tell him it’s okay to cry. It’s alright to be upset, to hurt is nothing to be ashamed of.
Remus was hesitating, Sirius could see it in his eyes. He didn’t want to leave. Sirius didn’t really want him to leave either, but he didn’t have much of a say in the matter anymore.
“God.. I miss you so much” Remus whispered, Sirius could barely tell if it was to him or to himself, but Sirius appreciated it just the same.
“I miss you too, my love. So much.” Sirius missed him every second of every day.
Remus took a step forward, raising a shaking hand to his lips, pushing a kiss against his four fingers and pressing them against the smooth, carved stone. Maybe Sirius was just crazy, after the life he lived he wouldn’t be surprised if he had fully lost it at some point, but he swore he felt his lips tingle at the gesture.
“I love you, Remus” Sirius said again, just as Remus turned and began to walk away, glancing at his watch to see he really was running late for those plans he had mentioned. He didn’t respond. He never responded anymore. That wasn’t his fault, though. Oh no, not at all. Sirius wondered if it was cruel to wish death on somebody, and if asked he’d never admit it.. but oh how he wished Remus would die, if it only meant he got to speak to him again.
Remus left, and Sirius was once again alone at his own grave, smiling at his fresh bouquet of forget-me-nots. Remus had forgotten to take the old, wilted corpse of the last one. But that’s okay, he’d get it next time.