When Sirius realizes how he feels about Remus isn't completely platonic.
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Sirius woke up with a jolt, his hands quickly finding his hair to brush it out of his face and wipe the sweat from his forehead. It got really cold at Hogwarts during the winter, but Sirius still managed to sweat regardless of the temperature. He had had a dream about his mother and brother, where his mother was taking her rage out on Regulus because Sirius wasn't home for winter break. He decided to stay with Remus and James at Hogwarts this year because Remus needed the shack for the full moon, as much as he hated home he wished he hadn't left his brother alone with his abusive parents.
Sirius pushed the curtains of his bed open, gripping the red velvet between his fingers before sliding off the bed. He was quiet as he left, making sure to tiptoe out the door and shut it almost silently, not wanting to wake his friends.
As Sirius walked down the dark halls of Hogwarts on his way to the kitchens, he couldn't help but think about his brother. He wished he had asked Reg to stay with him at school, even though they weren't very close anymore, Sirius still hated the idea that he had left him alone with his Mum.
She wasn't always the kindest, but Sirius tried to take as many of the hits as possible. His mother already didn't like him, so protecting his brother made some of the hits justified in a way.
When Sirius reached the kitchens, he asked the house elves to get him a glass of water. They were very quick with it and before he knew it he was on his way back to Gryffindor tower. He kept close to the side of the wall where it was darker, hoping that nobody else who might be wandering the halls would be able to see him. He saw a figure walking toward him, so he tucked his head and walked faster.
"Sirius?" The person spoke, sucking up a breath Sirius looked up to see none other than Remus Lupin stopped in front of him.
"Rem? What are you doing awake?" Sirius asked, slightly worried maybe his friend had also had a nightmare.
"What am I doing awake? Why are you awake? I came looking for you, I heard you leave the room and got worried when you didn't come back. I checked the map and saw that you were down here at the kitchens so I came to meet you. Are you alright?" Sirius shrugged and kept walking, Remus sighed realizing that it probably wasn't the best time to ask.
They walked in a comfortable silence back to the portrait, occasionally bumping into each other and chuckling. They had walked this way before but never under these circumstances. Sirius was usually kind of reserved when it came to talking about his family.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Remus asked as they stepped in front of the portrait, muttering the password and stepping through into the comforting red of the common room. Sirius didn't say anything, so Remus went to walk back upstairs to the dorm.
"Remus.." he froze "Can we sit for a minute?"
"Of course." Sirius sat on the one of the small couches, hugging a pillow in his lap and looking at the ground. Remus sat down next to him, bringing one leg up to rest his chin on.
"So?" he started.
"I had a nightmare," Sirius started, and Remus noticed how he hugged the pillow a bit harder. "I dreamt about my brother back at home with my mum. I'm not there to protect him, and all I've been able to think about for the last two days is how I left him alone with her. Remus what if he's hurt? what if she.." Remus reached his hand out to grip Sirius' shoulder, but Sirius looked up with tears in his eyes and dove straight to his chest for a hug.
"It's not your job to protect him, alright? I understand you feel like you have to because you're his big brother, but its not your job. He's okay, Im sure of it. He's smart Siri." Remus hugged him tight, and as he did he could feel Sirius' sobs grow louder and his breathing heavier. He tried remembering what his mum would do when he got panic attacks back home.
"Hey..hey it's okay breathe with me. Here, feel my chest." He brought Sirius' hand to his heart, breathing in and out slowly. "Copy my breathing." Sirius did, hiccuping as he did.
"Tell me, what can you smell?" Remus looked Sirius in the eyes, his heart slightly breaking at the sight of his best friend looking so broken.
"I-I smell.. old books" Remus rolled his eyes when Sirius laughed, but was happy he was calming me down. They repeated this process of naming things he could smell for a while.
"Okay, now what do you see?" Remus asked. Sirius paused, looking at the boy sitting in front of him. π π΄π¦π¦ πΊπ°πΆπ³ π¦πΊπ¦π΄, πΊπ°πΆπ³ π¨π°π³π¨π¦π°πΆπ΄ π¦πΊπ¦π΄. Sirius shook as he realized what just crossed his mind, that was his best friend!
"Um I see the fire" Sirius said, looking away from Remus and turning away so that they were in some sort of backwards hug, but Sirius still wrapped his arms around Remus' that were hugging his torso as he leaned back on the couch. Remus asked the same question a few more times before moving on to asking about his other senses like hearing and feeling, but he could feel the energy shift after his question. Sirius became reserved again, almost scared.
But Remus chose not to think about it to much and instead decided to just keep talking to his friend, using strategies his mom had taught him. Remus couldn't help but feel so bad for his friend, knowing how scary panic attacks can be, especially if your alone so he was glad Sirius decided to talk to him.
"Do you feel better?" Sirius nodded, leaning into Remus a bit more. They kept talking for a bit, until the conversations slowed down as they both got tired. Soon enough Remus was asleep, his arms still holding Sirius' smaller frame. Sirius looked up at his sleeping friend, he smiled a little. ππ’πΊπ£π¦ πΊπ°πΆπ³ π¦πΊπ¦π΄ π’π³π¦π―'π΅ π΅π©π¦ π°π―ππΊ π±π³π¦π΅π΅πΊ π΅π©πͺπ―π¨ π’π£π°πΆπ΅ πΊπ°πΆ.
Sirius shook Remus awake, deciding that falling asleep in this position wouldn't look very good to all of the other Gryffindors who would be walking down in a few hours.
"Remmy, cmon lets go upstairs. Its cold down here." Remus nodded sleepily, allowing Sirius to lead him upstairs by holding his wrist. "Can you lay with me?" Sirius asked as he sat on his bed, scooting over to make room. Remus smiled softly, nodded and getting under the covers with his friend. Remus once again wrapped his arms around Sirius, quickly falling back asleep.
Sirius laid, sleepily, awake. He couldn't quite pin what he was feeling for the boy next to him, but he knew that this wasn't the first time he had felt it, just the first time he acknowledged it. He couldn't help but wonder if Remus was also feeling this way.
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First time I've ever posted on ao3, feedback appreciated.
xx Lauren