Regulus wakes up and, immediately, he knows something is wrong. He isn't sure what , so he dismisses it at first, not even bothering to open his eyes. But this feeling, a growing feeling of dread that has settled in the pit of his stomach, it nags at him. It whispers in his ears, murmuring and hissing. It practically wrenches his eyes open with it's grimy fingers, forcing him to see what is right in front of him. Something he should've noticed earlier.
James is gone.
Regulus is awake in an instant, sitting up and looking around the room. James doesn't like getting out of bed at night, especially not this late at night. He once told Regulus that it scared him, that he always felt as if someone was waiting behind every corner, to grab him. Regulus had laughed.
James is never gone. On the rare occasion that he does get out of bed, during the night, he always wakes Regulus up first and remind him that he loves him, 'just in case'. He didn't wake Regulus up tonight. Once again, that familiar feeling of dread and worry returns. It crawls up, out of his stomach and into his throat. It wraps around his windpipe and, suddenly, Regulus can't breathe. James is gone and Regulus feels as if he's dying. He reaches out his hand and feels the empty side of the bed. It's cold. James must've been gone at least half an hour. God, Regulus feels sick.
Tentatively, Regulus pushes his feet into his slippers. He glances over the bed. James' slippers are still there, unworn. Where has he gone? Regulus then remembers something Sirius once told him, after he had gotten used to the fact that him and James were together. Sirius had told him that James had 'problems'.
"James is sick," Sirius had said, voice wavering as he did so, "He's unpredictable. Sometimes, he.. does things to himself. Bad things. When these things happen, he'll need help, Reggie. Your help."
Regulus had immediately nodded. He would do anything for James, he had assured Sirius, and Sirius had believed him wholeheartedly. However, Sirius had never specified what sorts of 'bad things' James did. Regulus can only hope this is not one of them. There is a sinking feeling in his gut. He suppresses it. For all he knows, James is having the time of his life in the kitchen, making a midnight snack. Or maybe he couldn't sleep and got up to watch some TV. One of his old DVDs he kept from his childhood, that always seemed to comfort him. Regulus will find him, and he will hold James like it is his last day on Earth.
"Jamie?" Regulus calls out, speaking past the lump in his throat. "Jamie, are you here?"
It's then he hears it. A noise . It sounds like the whine of an dying animal, coming from his bathroom. Regulus' back straightens immediately. He's sure that, if he were a dog, his eyes would have pricked up.
Regulus swiftly makes his way towards the bathroom, staring at the door as if it could lead to another dimension. He's almost scared to open it. What has James done? How could Regulus , of all people, help him? Regulus is not a very helpful person. Normally, it's James that does the helping, constantly going out of his way to do things for other people. Regulus isn't like that. What Sirius had vaguely described had sounded bad. More than something like a panic attack, or a midnight spiral. What if Regulus just makes it worse? For a moment, Regulus pauses and considers just calling his brother to come instead. He stands there, hand raised gingerly in front of the door knob, like he's stuck. But, eventually, his loyalty for James overrules. This doesn't seem like something that should wait.
He steps forward and pushes the door open, breathing in sharply when he sees what's on the other side. He was right, this is worse.
James is sat against the wall, hunched over. A disassembled razor lies at his feet. It's clear what he had done with it. Blood drips down James' arms, leaking from the open wounds that decorate his skin. There is an abundance of them, zigzagging up and down his forearm, crossing over one another in a messy display.
"I'm sorry," James whispers, eyes wide as he releases a muffled sob, "I'm so sorry."
"Oh, love.." Regulus coos. Despite the fact that he still feels a little shocked, Regulus drops down to his knees beside James, carefully moving the pieces of the razor aside, "You have absolutely nothing to be sorry about, I promise. Do you think you can tell me what happened?"
James sits there for a moment, as if contemplating this. Eventually, he shakes his head, before dissolving into more sobs and ducking his head in between his legs. Regulus says nothing, just inching closer to James and taking him in his arms. James melts into the embrace, clinging to Regulus like a scared child on it's first day of school. Regulus murmurs slowly, running comforting fingers through James' hair and reassuring him that everything is going to be fine. He doesn't think James hears him, not really, but he says it anyway.
They just stay like that for a moment. Regulus is, admittedly, a little shaken. He had thought something bad had happened, but he hadn't expected this. He glances at the bleeding cuts on James' arms, which are now bleeding all over his shirt. He isn't sure what to do, so concludes to call Sirius in a moment. Him and Remus only live down the road, so they should be able to get here soon.
"James?" Regulus says softly. James murmurs in response, so he continues, "I'm going to call Sirius and Remus, okay? So they can help. Is that okay?"
James doesn't respond, but Regulus takes it as a yes. It wasn't really a question anyway. "While we wait for them to get here, I'm going to need to have a look at your arm. I have to clean it, love. Can you let me do that?
Regulus pulls away from James. He's stopped crying now, his face now expressionless, as he sits with his arm outstretched, unresponsive. That's worse than the sobbing, Regulus thinks. He decides to ignores it for now - there's only so many things he can tend to at once. Regulus gently takes James' wrist in his hand and looks down at the cuts. It takes everything in him not to flinch and turn away. The cuts are still bleeding, not seeming to have slowed down at all. Regulus is no doctor, but he doesn't think that's a good sign. He stands up, feeling shaky on his feet as he makes his way to the cupboard. There are some wipes, which he thinks will be fine to use, so he reaches for them and goes back over to James.
"I'm going to need to run these under some water, love." He murmurs, to which James nods. Regulus helps James to stand up and brings him over to the sink, "This might sting a little."
The water makes James hiss in pain, gripping Regulus' hand tighter.
"I know, I know, you're doing so well." Regulus assures him, as he finishes washing the cuts and begins to wipe them with a wet wipe, "Just hold onto my hand. I'm so proud of you, love, you know that."
As established, Regulus isn't a doctor. He isn't sure what the best way to clean fresh cuts is, so he can only hope he did a good job. Keeping a firm grip on James' hand and murmuring reassuring words of affirmation as they go, Regulus leads James out of the bathroom. James follows him, quietly, looking almost shell shocked. He's still not saying anything. Regulus leads him to their sofa, gently sitting him down. He switches on the TV, though, for his or James' benefit, he doesn't know. It's good to have some background noise. Regulus then reaches for his phone, clicking on Sirius' contact. He answers after one ring.
"Reggie?" Sirius' groggy voice speaks down the phone. There is a hint of concern in it. "What's going on?"
"It's James." Regulus tries to speak properly, like a normal, collected adult, but his voice comes out as nothing more than a hoarse whisper. He sounds like a whining child. "It's James. I- I don't know what to do. Help, please ."
He can hear Sirius scrambling out of bed, running around in search of shoes and his keys, mumbling incoherent profanities. He can hear Remus waking up and Sirius shouting back at him, "Remus, come on. Regulus is on the phone, it's James." He can hear Remus getting up, just as fast as Sirius did. Sirius' voice down the line snaps Regulus out of his stupor,
"We're on our way, Reggie. Just.. just stay with him, okay?"
So, that's what Regulus does. He hangs up the phone and pads softly back down the hall. James is still sat on the sofa, staring numbly at the TV and clutching his arm. He must've gotten up at some point, because one of his DVDs is playing on the TV. A Disney movie, Regulus thinks, though he's not sure which one. It helps James though, that's the important part. Regulus sits down on the sofa, and James lies back, resting his head in Regulus' lap. Regulus smiles softly, murmuring and stroking James' hair. They sit there, watching this movie, for what seems like hours. Really, it can only be about twenty minutes. Then, Sirius and Remus arrive.
They have their own key to the flat, letting themselves in and immediately rushing into the living room. James doesn't even look up. Regulus does though, taking in their dishevelled appearances. They are both in their pajamas, hair messy and eyes flanked with huge bags. Sirius' face is etched with worry, Remus' too, but more subtly so. Both of their faces' visibly soften when they see how James lies there, misty eyes fixed on the TV screen. Remus gives Regulus a reassuring smile, before sitting down beside James and lacing his fingers between his. Sirius kneels down on the floor, reaching up and turning James' face to look at him.
"Prongs," Sirius speaks softly, softer than Regulus has ever heard him speak. He speaks as if James is a box labelled FRAGILE, as if he could shatter at a moments notice, "Can you hear me? Me and Remus are here now."
When James speaks, his voice is but a whisper, "I'm sorry, Pads. I'm sorry, Moony. I didn't mean to do this."
It's the second time James has spoken since Regulus found him, the exact same words he spoke to Regulus originally. I'm sorry. Of course, the first thing he thinks to do is apologise. Apologise for what? Regulus thinks not even James knows. It makes his heart ache.
"No, no, " Sirius says, firmly, "Don't be sorry. This isn't your fault, Prongs. Don't for a second think that." Not for the first time tonight, Regulus is glad Sirius and Remus are here. They seem to know what to do. More than Regulus does, at least.
Remus speaks now, fingers still intertwined with James', "Can I see your arm, James?" James lifts it willingly, lapsing back into silence.
"I did my best at cleaning it," Regulus croaks, voice thick with emotion, "I didn't really know what to do. I rinsed it under some water and wiped it. I don't know if that enough. I hope it was."
James' head snaps to Regulus, staring at him with wide, sad eyes. He lets go of Remus' hand, using his free hand to rest on Regulus' knee. "Reggie, don't be sad. It's okay, I'm okay." He says, his voice soft and kind, though still sounding somewhat detached from reality.
Regulus stares at him for a moment, heart aching. Even now, in what must be one of James' lowest moments, he is checking on Regulus, making sure he's okay. Regulus laughs wetly, resting his chin on James' head, as he blinks away the tears in his eyes. "I'm fine, James. You don't need to worry about me, you've done enough of that."
James smiles and it lights up the room. Of course it does. No matter how dark it may seem, the sun always brings light.
When the exchange is over, Remus looks up from James' arm and over at Regulus, "Reg, you did fine. Don't worry," He nods reassuringly, before inspecting James' arm again, "Now, I'm not a doctor, but, last time it bled this much and we went to the hospital, they said he'd nicked a vein. We probably won't need to go to the hospital, but I think we should call Mary, just in case. So she can have a look at it."
Last time? The words ring in Regulus' head. How had he never noticed this? Surely, he should've, in the last 3 years he's been dating James. A wave of guilt washes over him. How could he leave James to deal with this alone? Make him feel as if he couldn't tell him, even when he was about to relapse? Regulus grips James tighter.
Sirius stands and goes to leave the room, babbling something along the lines of "I'll go and ring Mary." Sensing his distress, Remus stands and follows him, leaving James and Regulus alone. James turns over and curls up against Regulus, letting Regulus wrap his arms around him and rest his chin on his head. James looks… disappointed.
"I'm sorry," James murmurs, again. He doesn't sound sad, or worried, he just sounds tired. Defeated. Regulus' heart aches. "I didn't mean to do this. I.. I've ruined everything."
Regulus doesn't say anything for a moment. What is he meant to say? There's nothing he can do to make James, a man he loves with all his heart, truly better. He knows that more than anyone. But that's all he wants to do. Knowing he can't leaves a physical pain in his chest, like a weight he can't lift.
Eventually, he says, "You've ruined nothing, Jamie. I just wished you'd come to me first."
"I.. I couldn't, Reggie," James chokes out. It's the most emotion he's shown all night. "I should've and I couldn't and I'm so sorry. I've ruined everything. I made Sirius, Remus and Mary get up in the middle of the night and come all the way here. Mary has a long shift tomorrow. And I got blood all over your top. You really liked at the top. I'm so so sorry, Reggie."
Regulus leans down and kisses James lightly on the lips, to stop his anxious ramblings. Not really a proper kiss, just a brush of their lips against each other. When he pulls away, he smiles softly, "You could never ruin anything, Jamie, my love. This was not your fault. Please tell me you know that."
James whispers, breathlessly, "I know that."
He stares at Regulus with wide eyes, shifting his position so he is sat up and facing him. For a moment, they just sit there, staring at each, with their hands interlocked. They are like statues - a moments peace, in a world of chaos, preserved forever in stone. Regulus wishes they could save this moment forever, look it in a jar somewhere, just so he can look at it and relive it whenever he feels like it. Slowly, Regulus lifts up James' bloody wrist. He leans down and, as he did before, gently brushes his lips against them, after looking back at the door, to check neither Sirius or Remus can see them. This moment is too precious, too important, for anyone other than him and James to remember it.
Regulus pulls away, and wonders for a horrible second that maybe that was the wrong thing to do. That James would find it disgusting, or weird. But when Regulus looks up at the man sat opposite him, all of those doubts disappear. James is staring at him, lips slightly parted. He breathes out a shallow sigh, before leaning forward again. Regulus thinks that he might try to kiss him again - no complaints from him - but he doesn't. James simply leans forward and rests his forward against Regulus'. Their fingers stay interlaced, their breathing and heart beats in time.
In a minute, Mary will get here, probably with a very worried, very tired Lily in tow. James and Regulus will be wrenched apart again, for James' wrist to be re-checked. He'll have the same things said to him that have already been said to him a thousand times this evening. "Are you alright? Can you hear me? This wasn't your fault." He'll probably go unresponsive again, maybe cry a little. They might have to make a trip to the hospital. But Regulus will be here with him the whole time, holding his hand and letting him rest his head on his lap. He will kiss him fleetingly and remind him how much he loves him, whispering it in his ears as if it's a secret. Just for them.
Everything might not be okay now, but, in this moment, Regulus is sure it will be. One day.