Flashes of gray, stormy eyes, a deep charming laugh. Leather jackets, soft black fur. A mischievous grin. A lingering touch on his hand. A ghost of a whisper in his ear. A sweet voice, calling his name in the dark.
“Moony!”
Remus woke up in a cold sweat, his heart pounding out of his chest and droplets of salty tears leaking from his eyes, as the remnants of his nightmare clung to him. He quickly swept away the tears with his hand as he panted, trying to regain his bearings. He turned to see Tonks sleeping peacefully beside him, her arm draped across her chest, and her pregnant belly wrapped in the warm duvet. He carefully moved away from her side, so as not to wake her, moving to sit on the edge of the bed. Remus sighed and stared at the moonlight streaming through the window that cast long shadows that seemed to whisper his regrets back at him.
Remus took a breath. Why was he thinking of him now? They were… nothing. Sirius.. Remus shook his head. But was he really nothing? Wasn’t he everything? His thoughts were loud in his mind.
He closed his eyes, and the memories came flooding back, vivid and unrelenting, flashing behind his eyelids, his mind felt heavy as he was sucked into the scene.
They were sitting in the common room, the fire crackling softly, filling the space with warmth despite the chilly autumn air. The two boys sat side by side, watching the small flickers of the flames and sparks that snapped and sizzled in a fiery display in front of them.
There was comfort in their closeness, a comfortable silence, and an air of peace circled the two.
Sirius’s hand was touching Remus’s. His pinky wrapped around his own. The warmth of their hands mingling to embody the sparks of the fire in the air, sparks of a different tension.
Sirius leaned closer to Remus, his breath fanning out and tickling his ear, his voice barely a whisper.
“Moony… I don’t want to call this off. But you don’t want to call it love..”
Just like that, the peace was interrupted, the air crackled like the fire and Remus flinched, withdrawing his hand, disentangling it from Sirius’ fingers, looking away. He refused to look the boy in the eyes, unable to bear the pain that surely graced his gray gaze. The truth was there, burning between them. A heat that was palpable. But he couldn’t bear to accept it. So he denied it. Too scared to acknowledge it.
“It’s not.. love. We’re best mates.. that’s all, Pads.”
Remus whispered into the air in a weak voice, not even sure if he believed it himself. “I’m sorry” His words were lost to the sounds of the crackling fire as Sirius nodded with a pained look in his eyes as he sat back on the red couch.
“You can say that we’re nothing.. but you know the truth.”
Sirius whispered softly, his voice hardly a croak as he suppressed tears, before getting up and walking back into the dorms.
Remus watched his back as the other teen left him in the common room, staring longingly at the boy. He closed his eyes and took a breath. I really am a fool…
Remus opened his eyes, back in the present, the moonlight cold on his face, wiping away the feeling of the warm crackling fire from his memories.
Tonks stirred beside him, her eyes fluttering open as she saw him sitting on the edge of the bed as he lost himself in his thoughts.
“Love?”
Her voice was gentle, delicate like the petals of a flower, but as Remus turned to look at her, he could see the sadness in her eyes. The heavy acceptance. She knows. She’s always known.
He forced a smile, leaning down to kiss her forehead.
“Nothing, just a nightmare. Go back to sleep.”
She nodded once and turned away, succumbing to sleep once again. But the guilt and regret continued to gnaw at him. He lied back down, staring at the ceiling instead, unable to shake the image of Sirius from his mind.
They were driving Sirius’s motorbike in the streets of London during the holiday. Sirius’s arms were outstretched like an angel, and he was laughing. His face was bright, carefree and full of life. He looked like a statue of a god. Like an otherworldly beauty to be worshiped.
Remus could only stare at his face as they drove, wanting to reach out and touch it. His hand twitched but remained where it was. Remus watched him, his heart aching. He wanted to reach out, to hold Sirius close and never let go, but the fear held him back.
He blinked, and he was once again back to staring at the ceiling, a lone spider spinning its web in the corner.
Remus felt Tonks’ hand on his chest, grounding him. He turned to look at her, to feel something other than the gnawing cold regret that was clinging onto his heart, but all he could see in her face was Sirius. Those stormy eyes staring back at him. His soft, long, black hair. His pale porcelain skin. His long, dark lashes. His perfect pink lips. The light rosy dusting on his high cheekbones. He couldn’t bear it. He could only see Sirius, no matter how many times he looked at her face.
Remus took a sharp breath and slowly got out of the bed, leaving Tonks fast asleep as he stumbled down the stairs into the kitchen. He took another shaky breath and reached into the cupboard to pull out a bottle of whiskey.
He poured himself a shot with shaky hands into a glass and downed it in one gulp, wiping his lips with his sleeve, trying to forget the feeling of Sirius’ hands on his, the look in his eyes. Trying to forget Sirius.
He poured another shot, and gulped it down, his throat burning with the taste. If only the world would just stop. If only time could just end. Then maybe, maybe this feeling would leave too. Just like he did. All those years ago.
Sirius stood in front of him, his eyes blazing with emotion, a storm brewing in the gray mist.
“I’m really going to call this off. You’re never going to call this love. I just want to love someone who can call me baby.” Sirius looked him in the eyes, and waited for him to protest, tension in his face and shoulders as he stared at Remus.
Remus felt the tears prick at his eyes, but he couldn't speak. He watched as Sirius's shoulders slumped, the fire in his eyes dimming.
Remus felt his heart drop into his stomach as he watched Sirius’ expression. He whispered, “I’m sorry, Pads. It’s just the way I am..”
Sirius’s expression hardened, and he looked at Remus with a steely gaze.
“Another excuse, huh? Another stupid reason… I’m done.” He turned away and walked off, leaving Remus once again watching his back and longingly reaching out a hand, before dropping it back to his side, silent.
Remus sighed, downing the bottle and frowning as only a drop came out. It was finished. He sighed, placing the empty whiskey bottle next to the sink and stumbling back up the stairs, swaying gently as he tried to push his thoughts out of his mind.
He knew it was cliche, drinking himself to death over the death of someone he could never admit he loved, but he didn’t care. He’d do anything to numb the constant stabbing pain of loss that permeated his entire being.
He walked into the bedroom again and slid into bed next to Tonks, and closed his eyes, willing for sleep to overtake him. Instead, he was only met with the sight of Sirius’ expression that night, looking back at him with those pained eyes, that steely glare.
Remus woke up from his thoughts, sitting up with a gasp, clutching his chest. He hated seeing that look on Sirius’ face. He couldn’t stand it. It made him feel like there were bugs crawling under his skin. All he wanted was to feel Sirius’s love again. Just one more time. To bask in his presence, and say what he had never been able to.
He took a sharp and shaky breath, unable to suck air into his lungs, dropping his head into his hands, and felt Tonks stir beside him again. He knew she deserved better. She deserved someone who could love her fully, without the shadow of a ghost hanging over their relationship. He’s nothing more than her husband. She knew this, and he couldn’t bear it.
"Remus?"
Her voice pulled him back to the present, and he looked at her, guilt and sorrow etched into his features.
"I'm sorry, Dora."
She nods, understanding more than he could ever admit. They lay back down, holding each other, arms wrapped around one another, yet the cold still seeped into their bones, Remus couldn't help but remember the warmth of Sirius’ hands in his. He couldn’t help but blink away the tear that pricked his eye as they held each other, both knowing that this isn't the love they both deserve.
They fell asleep like that, eyebrows scrunched, a fitful sleep taking over as they drifted off.
Remus found himself in a familiar place. At Sirius's grave, the gray stone reminds him of the hue of his eyes. The carving of his name etched into the stone a painful reminder of what he had lost, the weight of his regrets laid heavy on his shoulders.
He could just see the mirage of Sirius, looking back at him when he stared at the stone. His face twisted into a pained expression, a forced smile gracing his perfect lips as he looked Remus in the eye.
"You know I hate to say, but I told you so." The ghost, or figment of Remus’ imagination whispers. Remus could only stare, tears dripping from his eyes. He placed a hand on the cold stone, wishing he could turn back time, wishing he had been brave enough to love Sirius the way he deserved.
He knew he could never change the past, but he hoped, deep down, that somewhere, somehow, Sirius knew that he was loved, even if Remus was too cowardly to show it. He hated himself for it. How could he call himself a Gryffindor, a lion, when he was too scared to even be brave enough to stay by Sirius’s side? Too scared to admit his love. He wished with all his heart that he had taken Sirius’s hand that day, and told him not to leave. Told him that he loved him. Called him “baby” the way that Sirius wished.
He could just see the faint outline of Sirius in his mind's eye, standing there, looking at him with those same stormy eyes, filled with a mixture of love and sorrow. Remus knelt, his knees sinking into the soft earth, his hands trembling as he traced the letters of Sirius's name.
Rain poured from the sky, as if the heavens themselves were weeping with loss, the droplets staining Remus’s face, joining his own salty tears as they merged into the dirt in front of the place Sirius was buried.
Remus sobbed once, a broken guttural sound ripping from his throat as he clutched the stone with his arms, wrapping it in a hug the way he wished he could have done to Sirius himself.
“I'm so sorry, Pads. I was a coward. I couldn't say it then, and now it's too late. I loved you. I love you still."
The wind seemed to sigh around him, the leaves rustling softly as if in sympathy. Remus felt the tears streaming down his face, hot and unrelenting. The weight of his sorrow pressed down on him, a constant reminder of his failure to love Sirius the way he deserved. He could feel the cold stone under his fingertips, grounding him in the present, yet pulling him back to the past.
He wished the world would end, then maybe he could join Sirius up in heaven, and finally tell him how he felt. Then, maybe he could finally feel at peace. But did he really deserve it?
He looked up at the sky, a single tear sliding down his cheek as he smiled, hoping that Sirius could see him from his place among the clouds.
He remembered the last time he saw Sirius alive, the way his eyes had softened just for a moment, the unspoken words hanging between them, heavy and suffocating. Remus had wanted to reach out, to take Sirius in his arms and tell him everything he had been too afraid to admit. But the words had caught in his throat, choked by his fear and uncertainty as the man slipped away into the veil. He could only stare into his eyes in pain, holding onto Harry like a lifeline as the boy screamed the scream that was tearing up his own insides, reflecting the turmoil of his body as Sirius slipped away into nothingness.
His lungs had been constricted, screaming for air as he held Harry tight, wanting to dig out his own skin and scream to the Heavens to bring him back.
The memory of that final moment haunted him. It replayed in his mind over and over, like a cruel joke the universe had decided to play on him. He could see Sirius standing there, on the precipice of another dangerous mission, looking back at him with those stormy eyes that seemed to hold the entire world. And Remus had done nothing but nod, a weak smile barely lifting the corners of his lips.
"If only I'd been braver, Sirius. If only I'd told you then."
He pressed his forehead against the cool stone, the tears now freely flowing. The pain was a familiar companion, always lurking in the shadows, waiting to consume him in moments like these. He had learned to live with it, but it never truly went away.
In the silence of the graveyard, he could almost hear Sirius’s voice, playful and teasing, calling him Moony just one more time. It was a cruel trick of his mind, but he clung to it, desperate for any piece of Sirius he could hold onto.
Remus stayed there, lost in his grief, until the first light of dawn began to break through the darkness. The world was waking up, indifferent to his sorrow. He stood up slowly, his body aching from the hours spent kneeling on the hard ground. He brushed the dirt from his knees and took one last, lingering look at Sirius's grave.
“Good luck, babe.” Remus whispered into the wind, “I’ll join you someday… just know… that I love you.”
With a heavy heart, he turned and walked away, the weight of his regrets pressing down on him with every step. The world moved on around him, but inside, he was trapped in a never-ending loop of what could have been.
When he awoke, leaving the dream realm where Sirius’s gravestone lay, he continued to see him in every passing moment. Sirius’s face was always haunting his mind’s eye.
Sirius’s presence was a constant, in the present, past, and future, he was a part of Remus.
In the quiet moments, when the world seemed to stand still, Remus could almost feel Sirius beside him, a silent presence that would never truly leave. And in those moments, he allowed himself to grieve, to feel the weight of his sorrow and regret, and to remember the love that had always been there, even if he had been too scared to acknowledge it.
The days turned into weeks, and the weeks into months, but the ache never dulled. It was a part of him now, woven into the very fabric of his being. And as he walked through life, holding onto the love he had lost, Remus learned to live with the pain, knowing that it was a testament to the depth of his feelings for Sirius.
And so, with every sunrise and every sunset, he whispered the same words into the wind, a silent promise to the one he had loved and lost. His feelings for Sirius would never fade, he knew, not unless the world itself came to a stop.
"I love you, Sirius. Always."
And somewhere, in the quiet corners of his heart, he believed that Sirius heard him, and that was enough to keep him going, until the day could come when they meet again up above.
The years passed, and the world changed, but some things remained constant. The pain of loss, the regret of words left unsaid, and the enduring love that time could never erode. Remus aged, his hair turning gray, his body slowing down, but his heart still beat with the same fierce love he had always held for Sirius.
One night, as he sat by the fire, the warmth of the flames a stark contrast to the chill in his heart, Remus felt a presence beside him. He closed his eyes, letting the familiar scent of leather and smoke wash over him. He could almost hear the deep, charming laugh, see the mischievous grin that had always lit up his world.
"Moony," the voice whispered, so close and yet so far away.
Remus opened his eyes, and for a moment, he could see Sirius sitting beside him, as if no time had passed at all. The gray eyes were filled with the same stormy intensity, the same love that had always been there.
"Sirius," Remus breathed, his voice breaking. "I'm so sorry."
Sirius smiled, a sad, knowing smile. "I know, Moony. I know."
They sat in silence, the fire crackling softly, a testament to the bond that had never been broken, even by death. Remus reached out, his hand trembling, and for a moment, he felt the warmth of Sirius's touch, the ghost of a whisper in his ear.
"I love you," Remus said, the words finally free, no longer trapped by fear.
"I love you too," Sirius replied, his voice a gentle caress. "Always."
And just like that, the vision faded, leaving Remus alone by the fire. But this time, the weight on his heart felt a little lighter, the regret a little less sharp. He knew that Sirius had heard him, that somewhere, somehow, the love they had shared was still burning bright.
As he sat there, the fire casting long shadows on the walls, Remus allowed himself to remember, to feel the love and the loss, the pain and the joy. And in that moment, he knew that he would carry Sirius with him always, a part of his soul that could never be forgotten.
Years later, when Remus's time finally came, he found himself standing at the edge of a great expanse, a light shining in the distance. He took a deep breath, feeling a sense of peace wash over him, and began to walk towards the light. As he drew closer, he saw a familiar figure waiting for him, a smile on his face, arms outstretched.
"Welcome home, Moony," Sirius said, his voice filled with warmth and love.
Remus smiled, feeling the weight of years lift from his shoulders, he felt like a kid again, the kid that always saw Sirius as the one shining star in his life. He looked Sirius in the eyes with a warm, loving gaze, "It's good to finally be home, Pads, with you."
And as they embraced, the years of pain and regret melted away, leaving only the love that had always been there, unspoken but never forgotten. They molded together, two halves of a complete whole. Their soles intertwined, interlinked. Together, they stepped into the light, ready to face whatever came next, side by side, as they had always been meant to be as they left the world behind, for they had their world with them, each other.