Dreams of Loneliness
The moment Regulus walked into the great hall, he felt as though all eyes were on him. He swore he wasn’t overreacting, not when he heard at least three —not so— whispers of his full name. He doubted there were any other Regulus Blacks at Hogwarts.
He kept his head high, refusing to show any sign of nerves. His eyes darted around the room as he took in every piece of magic that hung in the air. He made a mental note to admire the enchanted sky another time.
Regulus’ eye twitched. The only sign of being bothered by the whispers of his name among the crowd. One glance told him that it was mostly from a table full of red uniformed students.
The sorting ceremony began in alphabetical order. Regulus felt himself picking at his nails as the ‘A’ surnames turned to ‘B’ surnames.
“Bagman, Landon.”
A warm liquid glided along his fingers. He didn’t need to look down at his hand to know he had drawn blood. It happened far too often.
“Bibson, Aurelius.”
He clenched his hands, trying to hide his bloodied fist in the drapes of his robe.
“Black, Regulus.”
The loudest table in the hall had seemed to go silent once his name was called. Regulus felt as though he could hear his mother screeching into his head. Even when he’s far away from her, he could feel her claws suffocating him. He bit back tears, his eyes began to sting. He cannot let his emotions show. Not in front of everyone. Maybe he should’ve allowed himself to cry a little more on the train, maybe that might’ve gotten all the tears out of the way.
Every step up to the sorting hat felt heavy. The professor that announced his name seemed to have said something. He didn’t care. It was all muffled to him anyway. The only thing he could think of was how Sirius was going to hate him for eternity. Regulus didn’t have the courage to look at the Gryffindor table, not when his brother was surely staring him down. He couldn’t bear to see Sirius’ hopeful look.
I’m sorry.
I’m sorry.
I’m sorry.
“What are you saying sorry for, boy?”
The grouchy voice caused him to jolt out of his thoughts. He didn’t even realize that the hat had been placed on his head already.
“..Excuse me?” Regulus voice was small. He hated it. But then again, who was a talking hat to judge? He felt embarrassed that his thoughts had been heard by the hat. He should’ve known that even his own mind wasn’t safe.
“Hmmm. Another Black.”
Well duh, that’s what the professor just said.
“Feisty. There’s no doubt you have wit, your thirst for knowledge would allow for great opportunities in Ravenclaw.”
Regulus’ face drained of color. “No. You can read my mind, right? You know I can’t be anywhere but Slytherin.”
“That’s awfully familiar. You Blacks need to come up with a better excuse… Hmm. Not a lot of compassion. With your cleverness, you’d surely wither in Hufflepuff.”
Regulus scoffed at the idea of even wearing yellow.
“Ah, you have much bravery, but that could be confused with ambition... I see it flourishing as time goes on. You’d be a great Gryffindor, if it weren’t for your self-preservation. The amount you have is sickening.”
Regulus wrinkled his nose, he wasn’t sure if that was supposed to be an insult. There was a pause. As if the sorting hat were trying to see every single outcome.
“SLYTHERIN!”
The Slytherin table cheered, having acquired another Black. The nauseating feeling in Regulus’ stomach never went away. He assumed that once he had made his mother proud, he’d feel better. He didn’t understand why he felt so sick, not until he locked eyes with his brother as he made his way towards the Slytherin table.
It took every ounce of strength to not vomit right then and there.
Sirius looked like a kicked puppy, as if all of his dreams with Regulus had just died. For a brief moment, Sirius looked at Regulus like how he looked at their mother.
Regulus felt hollow, like a piece of him had disappeared. He tuned out everything as his breathing quickened. The hall felt suffocatingly small. He needs out. He needs out. He needs out. He needs his big brother.
A gentle hand guided him to a seat. Regulus looked up, fully believing that his brother had heard his pleas. His heart shattered when it was only Narcissa.
His cousin squeezed his small hand before letting go. Her voice was soft like a lullaby. “Welcome to Hogwarts, Regulus.”
Narcissa took a seat next to him, and began filling his plate. Regulus couldn’t bring himself to do anything but stare at the table. Sirius hates him now.
“Regulus.”
“Regulus.”
“Regulus.”
He snapped out of his pitiful trance. He doesn’t know how long he’d been zoned out. Regulus looked up at his cousin with a frown. “Désolé.” [“Sorry.”] He knew that Narcissa hated repeating herself.
A twinkle in her eye suggested that she somehow understood his sadness. That was impossible, Regulus knew Narcissa is the epitome of the Black family grace.
“Tu dois manger, Regulus.”
[“You should eat, Regulus.”]
She nudged a plate full of food that sat in front of him. Everything that was piled on the plate were things he loved. The edges of his lips softly turned upwards. Of course Narcissa would remember. He may have lost Sirius, but he knew he’d always have Narcissa when he needs her most.
Only after a few bites did Regulus look up. He scanned the Slytherin table, taking in his new classmates for the next seven years of his life.
The boy that sat across from them had platinum blonde hair. It wasn’t the right shade to be a Rosier, so there was no doubt that the boy was a Malfoy. The Malfoy boy chatted with his cousin. Regulus wouldn’t have thought anything of it, if it weren’t for the way the boy’s eyes lit up at Narcissa. Regulus could read people easily. In his eyes, the boy might as well be wearing a sign that says, ‘I’m utterly in love with Narcissa Black.’
If Narcissa noticed, she didn’t show it. She continued to talk to Malfoy like she would anyone else, full of guarded elegance.
Regulus could feel his thoughts threatening to consume himself. One almost-break down was enough, he didn’t need to be bawling his eyes out pathetically in front of everyone. To distract himself, he turned his attention towards the sorting ceremony.
There were more first years than there had been in a while. This meant they were barely carrying on with the ‘C’ names. The boy that currently was being sorted, caught Regulus’ attention. It had been three minutes, yet the hat still hadn’t chosen a house for the boy.
It was very clear that the hat and the boy were arguing. This continued on for another three minutes before the hat ultimately billowed out a disgruntled Slytherin.
The boy looked victorious. He cheered right back at the Slytherins that were applauding him. Regulus envied his reaction. He couldn’t help but wish he could be happy for himself and enjoy the moment like how the boy did.
The rest of the ceremony was a blur. He was grateful that it took up most of dinner, it allowed him to distract himself.
Turns out, Narcissa is a prefect, along with Malfoy. If Regulus weren’t so consumed with his feelings, he’d laugh at the way Malfoy trailed behind Narcissa like a dog. Something told him that the boy would never be caught doing that to anyone but his cousin. She had Malfoy completely wrapped around her manicured finger. Narcissa and Malfoy led the Slytherins to the common room. The moment Regulus was assigned him room, he bolted up the stairs, desperately trying to get away from everybody.
He didn’t bother to unpack his trunk or to wait around to introduce himself to his roommates. He flung himself onto his bed. The moment he heard the door handle rattle, he flicked his wand to close his curtains.
Regulus sat there, staring at the curtains in silence. He made his mother proud. Yes. He made her proud. That had to be enough. Sirius would understand. No, he wouldn’t. Sirius loves him. Not anymore.
His roommates had finally came in. Regulus spaced out as they introduced each other. He didn’t try to remember their names.
Regulus choked out a sob before he could stop himself. Horrified, his hand flew over his mouth as he realized what he had just done.
The room went silent immediately.
In a panic, he casted a sloppy silencing charm around his bed. His face scrunched up, cringing at the situation. Of course this had to happened. By morning he’ll probably be known as the pathetic little first year that was crying for mummy.
Regulus didn’t dare push his luck. He would’ve screamed into his pillow, but the paranoia of the charm not being as strong as he’d intended stopped him. The most he could do was bite down on his lip as he laid back. He lifted his hands to inspect the damage from earlier. The tears burned his icy skin. Before they could cloud his vision, he clenched his eyes shut, imagining how disappointed Sirius must be.
* ~•~ *
Regulus had no desire to enjoy his year at hogwarts. Not when he felt the pressuring guilt of being in Slytherin. He tried his best to avoid his brother or any mention of him. It turned to be extremely difficult, he hadn’t realize just how known Sirius had become last year. At times, it felt as though his brother was trying to seek him out. That was impossible though. Sirius hated his guts now.
It was barely the end of the first week of classes when Regulus’ potions class fell victim to one of his brother’s pranks. The whole room filled with red smoke.
At first, everyone thought it was a potion gone wrong. That was until the smoke had started staining everybody’s robes. Then, their hair, and finally, their skin.
The first years screamed as Professor Slughorn tried his best to calm them down. The smoke had finally cleared, revealing just how stained everyone and everything was. Regulus coughed out a puff of red smoke before looking down at his robes. He sneered at the mess. He knew that looking like this in public would surely get his mother angry.
Slughorn poked his head out of the door, trying to find the culprit. He couldn’t find anything but the echoes of laughter ringing down the corridor. The way the professor’s brows furrowed told him that he recognized the laughter.
“Pesky Potter…” The professor muttered under his breath. It was just loud enough for Regulus, who sat closest to him, to hear.
Slughorn tried wiping away the red stain from his hands. It was a fruitless attempt, really. He didn’t stop, not until he looked up and his eyes met Regulus’.
“Your brother, Sirius Black, is always causing trouble. He and Potter, along with that Pettigrew are always terrorizing my classroom!” Slughorn wagged his plump finger towards Regulus’ face, as if he had something to do with it.
His heart skipped at the mention of Sirius.
“I swear, that Lupin boy is apart it as well, he’s just smart enough to get away with it. Not a single professor believes me.” The older man threw his hands up exasperatingly.
Slughorn decided to end the lesson early so that the students would have time to change before their next class. Regulus didn’t waste any time to stop and chat like his peers had. He swiftly made his way back to his room to change.
He quickly grabbed a spare uniform from his trunk. It’s been a week since he arrived, yet he couldn’t bring himself to unpack. It would just make everything too real. Regulus passed a mirror, he stopped in his tracks at the sight of himself.
The red stain had covered every inch of green and silver on his uniform. If it weren’t so messy, he could squint and see what he’d look like in Gryffindor robes. He closed his eyes and for the first time in a year, Regulus allowed himself to picture another life. In that life, he could be a Gryffindor. He could be reckless with his brother. He could be loved by his brother.
His eyes snapped open as his mother’s dreadful face flashed across his mind.
In this life, he is a Slytherin. He has to be alone and careful. He has to make his mother proud.
After he changed and scrubbed off as much of the red stain as possible, Regulus casted a simple tempus to tell the time. He had at least twenty minutes before his next class.
Curiosity felt like an old friend to Regulus. Since he started at Hogwarts, he’s spent all of his time alone in his room, not feeding an ounce into his curiosity. He looked at himself one last time in the mirror, taking in his Slytherin attire. With a sigh, Regulus decided to finally cave in and explore the grounds until his next class.
The September afternoon air was warm. A soft breeze nipped at his neck, as he treaded along the edge of the lake. Only two or three other students wandered the shores, they were most likely older students with a free period.
Regulus soon found himself sitting under a tree, staring at the lake. It was perfectly calm. The water was flat and untouched, hiding the world that flourished beneath it’s surface. There were no birds chirping. Just pure silence.
The silence allowed himself to get ambushed by his thoughts. With an exasperated sigh, Regulus threw himself back and stared at the sky. The clouds seemed almost too perfect, and bright. It was the complete opposite of his mind.
A soft scrape had pulled Regulus from the deep, dark depths of his thought. His eyes followed the sound towards the tree that hung in front of him. Regulus’ gut told him that a critter hadn’t made that noise.
He sat up, searching the tree with his eyes. Slowly, he felt himself raising his wand.
A flash of white-blonde hair caught his attention in the leaves, before vanishing behind a branch. Before he could even react, his wand flew out of his hand. Regulus didn’t bother moving towards his wand, he just watched as it fell several feet away. Instead, he stood tall and shoved his hands into his pockets.
“Excuse-toi, Rosier.”
The blonde boy whipped his head out of the branch, clearly astonished and giving up on hiding. “You said my name right.”
Regulus raised his eyebrow at the boy, he almost second guessed himself, wondering why the boy had been so shocked. “Bien sûr que je l'ai fait. c'est français.”
[“Of course I did. It’s French.”]
Evan Rosier pressed his lips into a firm line. “You’re Regulus Black, aren’t you.” It was less of a question and more of a statement. There was an edge to his voice that suggested boredom, but his face was full of interest.
Regulus watched Rosier carefully. There was no point in pretending otherwise, he’s seen Regulus multiple times at pureblood gatherings. He nodded reluctantly.
The blonde boy moved along the tree as if it were second nature. It was odd. Rosier must’ve noticed Regulus’ questionable gaze.
“Nobody ever thinks to look up. That’s why I’m usually up here.” He answered simply. His gaze was calculating, as if he were wondering if Regulus was just another snobbish pureblood.
Regulus thought that was a load of bullshit. Plenty of people looked up. He certainly did. The sky was much too addicting to not look up at. He didn’t bother to stop the scoff that escaped his lips.
Rosier frowned at him. “Beaucoup Insolent?”
[ “Sassy much?”]
It was Regulus’ turn to whip his head towards him, this caused Rosier to smirk. Although he wanted to let his lips part in a dramatic display of offense, he kept his mouth closed. Regulus glared at him, yet he found it to be awfully halfhearted. Without another word, he turned on his heel and walked back to the castle.
Regulus was half way to his charms class when he realized he had left his wand by the lake. He looked up and down the corridor, making sure it was empty before throwing himself at a wall. He groaned while continuously hitting his head against the wall. Only a week in, and he wanted to pitch himself off the astronomy tower.