Beyond the Yellow Brick Road
Regulus’ shoulders ached. At eleven years old, Regulus had felt like his body was already two-decades older than he really is.
With a clench of his jaw, he continued to sit straight, not moving an inch from where his mother had last seen him. The cold air stung his lungs with each breath. Why must Grimmuald Place always be so cold? It was a question that Regulus had asked himself since he was a young child. Surely there were heating charms to fix such things? It was a question that he had once dared to asked his mother as a curious six-year-old. It was a question that resulted in a mouth binding hex. Whether his mother forgot to undo the hex after 2 days of not eating was unclear to him even now. Maybe she truly had forgotten? He would never work up the courage to bring it up to his mother, Regulus knew it would just lead to another binded mouth.
His mother and father were somewhere else in the cold house, most likely going over last minute documents about Regulus starting his first year at Hogwarts. They left the two Black sons alone in the drawing room, threatening them to not move an inch or else. Regulus would rather not find out what they meant by or else.
The moment Sirius had gotten his acceptance letter last year, Regulus began counting down the hours until he would receive his own. It started out as an escape. A way to distract his mind from the horrors of Grimmuald Place. He always wondered about who he would meet. What interesting people he’d become acquainted to. It all changed when his mother received a letter from one of her little pureblood spies within Hogwarts, stating that Sirius had been sorted into Gryffindor and not Slytherin as he was expected to. That was a horrifying day. He remembered begging his mother to not burn his older brother off of the family tapestry right then and there. She had eventually caved and shut herself in the study, which led to that room being destroyed in her fit of rage. Right when Regulus was about to let out a relieved sigh, Orion had came up to Regulus and backhanded him for begging.
“You pathetic boy, a Black shall never beg.”
His father sneered at him in disgust. The slap had been unexpected, the force behind it caused Regulus to be thrown against a desk. He stopped himself from visibly flinching at the memory as his eyes dragged themselves to said desk. If one were to look closely, one would find a small stain of his blood on the rug beneath the desk. Orion’s backhand slaps were known to cause cuts due to the amount of rings the older man wore. Regulus tries his best to avoid getting hit by his father. It isn’t just about the deadly ruthlessness his father would show towards Regulus, it is because of one particular ring his father wears that would always cause Regulus to swell up or break out into a rash. He would never know why that one ring would cause such things to happen. He assumed that it was perhaps charmed in some way.
Since that day, Regulus counted down the hours until he received his letter in fear. It was just another thing his family had tainted for him. His parents made it very clear to him that he would not be allowed to bring disgrace upon the most ancient and noble house of Black by being sorted into anything but Slytherin.
That summer, Sirius came home and talked his head off about Hogwarts. At first, Regulus listened to every word his brother said. He would basque in the foreign stories of a place Sirius had now called home. He told Regulus all about his adventures with the Potter boy, a boy with scars, and a rat-like boy. Regulus would sometimes find himself imagining being apart of his brother’s friend group. As the weeks carried on and his mother’s death threats began to get very real. Regulus finally realized that he couldn’t join his brother. Any hopes and dreams of marauding with his brother at Hogwarts had collapsed. He tried to come to terms with the fact his brother would hate him for not joining him. Anytime Sirius would talk about his friends from school, Regulus shut himself down, preferring to not think about what could’ve been. Whether Sirius was completely oblivious or chose to not take the hint did not stop him from telling Regulus all about his new friends. It wasn’t until one night that it had truly bothered Regulus.
“…Peter is James best mate since they were in the cradle. That always amazed me, imagine how wonderful it would be to have a best friend since birth!”
Regulus’ hand froze, hovering over the parchment paper that he was using to chart the stars from Sirius’ window. The implication of his brother’s words made his heart sink. Growing up, he had considered Sirius as his best friend. His only friend. He assumed the feeling was mutual as they braved the savage household they were forced to grow up in. His eyes stayed glued to his parchment, he couldn’t bring himself to look up at Sirius. Regulus supposed he was always too cowardly, especially when it came to Sirius.
Sirius didn’t stop his ranting as he continued to talk about his friends. Completely unaware of the fact that a tiny piece of Regulus’ heart had shattered. Was Regulus not enough in Sirius’ eyes?
“..and James is just incredible! Did you know he played in the quidditch little leagues? I reckon he was a star player because during our flying lessons, he flies like an absolute menace.” Sirius flared his arms in the air as he spoke. He always got animated when talking about the Potter boy. After a pause, Sirius flopped down on his bed, sprawling across his dark sheets.
Only then Regulus looked up at his brother. He could feel his brows cramping up with how furrowed they were. His grip on his quill tightened as Sirius talked on and on about James. It was always James this, James that.
“I suppose James is my best mate. He’s phenomenal—“
The crack of the quill breaking in Regulus’ hand rung across the room. Only then did Sirius finally shut up and give a glance towards Regulus. Regulus stared at the broken quill in his hand, appalled by how hard he had been clenching the quill for it to break. His frown deepened. Sirius had given him that quill for his birthday. It was his favorite quill.
The sharp ticking of the hideous grandfather clock that Bellatrix had gifted his mother a few months ago brought him back to the present. His mind wandered far too often nowadays. He knew he needed to get a grip or else it could result in a punishment.
The room was deathly silent. If it weren’t for the ticking, Regulus’ ears would’ve began ringing. With how long his parents had been gone for, he suspected they were testing him at this point. What if they were waiting for Regulus to slip up? The paranoia of the situation began eating away at Regulus. At eleven years old, he wished he had more control over his emotions. A childish thought crossed his mind as he thought maybe his body would finally succumb to the icy air and freeze himself stiff so that he wouldn’t have to put as much effort into keeping his posture perfect.
“..To do the things you want to do once you find them..”
The words were barely more than a faint whisper, any other person would’ve tuned the whispers out without a second thought. Nobody in their family gave the Black brothers a second thought these days unless it meant teaching them a lesson. Nobody but Regulus himself. His eyes snapped to the older boy across from him the moment the words left Sirius’ lips. Regulus felt hyper aware of everything these days, as if he were on edge. He always felt on edge when it came to his brother. He couldn’t recall when exactly he and Sirius had became so tense around each other. Every interaction felt like Regulus was walking on eggshells around his once beloved brother.
Sirius paid no mind towards Regulus as the younger boy continued to stare him down. The humming and soft whispering of lyrics carried on, Regulus’ brows furrowed as his realization set in. He unfortunately recognized the song. His brother had been mumbling it all summer, since the moment he stepped off the Hogwarts express. For the life of him, Regulus couldn’t figure out why or how Sirius grew to love muggle music. Their mother and father thought any music that wasn’t purely instrumental, let alone made by a muggle was superior enough for a pure blood to be listening to.
Regulus was used to Sirius’ rebellious antics. He knew Sirius would do anything to rebel against their mother, he also knew that singing a muggle song within the same vicinity as Walburga Black was just asking for a slap or a hex. He was not going to let his brother ruin his big day by getting them hexed. He just needed to survive Grimmuald place for a few more hours, then he’d be at the station and on a train to Hogwarts. He couldn’t let Sirius ruins things. Not again.
“Stop that.”
It came out harsher than Regulus had intended it to be, but ultimately he shrugged it off as he figured it would just get his point across.
Sirius paused his humming for a brief moment. Foolishly, Regulus began to relax slightly, thanking Merlin that his brother had decided to listen to him for once. Right when Regulus figured he wouldn’t be a problem anymore, Sirius continued his humming noticeably louder than he had before. Regulus’ face paled.
“If I had a box just for wishes..”
“Sirius, stop that.” He said sharply.
The younger boy finally moved from his stiff position, now sitting on the edge of his seat. He knew Sirius was ignoring him because he was angry. He was angry at Regulus for not wanting to be a Gryffindor. Sirius had spent all summer boasting about how ‘cool’ being a Gryffindor is, in hopes that it’d convince Regulus to join him. Anytime Regulus would remind him that he couldn’t control where he’d be sorted, Sirius would just ignore him and press further on the issue. Regulus knew from the moment his mother got news of where his brother had been sorted, he wouldn’t be able to get away with the same thing. He had to be in Slytherin. His life depended on it. Sure, he daydreamed time to time about how life would be as a Gryffindor alongside his older brother. But, he knew better, he knew he wouldn’t survive the summer after his mother would find out.
Sirius pretended as if he couldn’t hear his brother as he sang, “..And dreams that had never come true.”
Regulus cursed his brother’s rebellious nature. He continued his annoyed pleas of trying to get Sirius to shut up. All summer he had to deal with Sirius randomly muttering the same stupid song.
“Sirius just shut—“
The jutting sounds of heels clacking down the stairs of the house echoed into the drawing room. Regulus immediately stopped his pleas and straightened his posture. His eye twitched as a sudden sharp pain seared through his spine. He didn’t dare move any more as the knob to the door rattled open. Regulus knew better than to waste time glancing at Sirius as their mother waltzed into the room, bringing a disturbing energy with her.
Walburga looked down at her children. She quickly glanced over Regulus but made a show of lingering on Sirius. With cold glare, she demands that the boys get ready to apparate to the station.
“Hurry along, I’d rather not be there longer than needed.” She didn’t bother to hide a scowl. Regulus knew that if it weren’t his first year, his mother wouldn’t have bothered to personally drop him off at the station at all. She would’ve been more than content with leaving that responsibility to Kreacher. Although, he knew the house of Black had to keep up formalities, Regulus couldn’t help but think that maybe some tiny piece of his mother truly did care for them and that was why she was escorting them.
With a meek nod, Regulus stood up quickly and walked towards the foyer. He only stopped at the doorway to let Sirius pass him. It had been drilled into Regulus’ mind since the day he was born that Sirius was the heir, therefore Sirius was always first. First to enter a room, first to leave. He didn’t dare meet his mother’s eyes at the doorway as he waited for Sirius to pass. It would only be another reminder that Regulus was nothing more than the spare.
—
By time they made it to the platform, Sirius was already vibrating off the walls with excitement. Unlike the older boy, Regulus felt nothing but dread as they walked closer to the train. He tried to make eye contact with Sirius, almost to silently plea for him to stop making his joy so clear. He knew it would just make their father unhappy.
A second later, Regulus could only watch as his brother’s face drained of color as their father gripped undoubtedly painfully into Sirius’ shoulder. Sirius tried but failed to not squirm under their father’s grip.
“You will do well to not embarrass us anymore than you have already.” Orion’s voice was scratchy, as if he were trying not to cough.
The four Blacks reached the loading zone. They wanted to ensure Sirius didn’t cause anymore trouble before the train even left the station. Regulus tried to contain his curiosity, it was hard when there were so many new faces that he’d never seen before. He knew every living pureblood in the sacred twenty-eight. Seeing a station bustling with this many unknown people meant they were all seen as inferior to his parents. He tried his best to turn up his nose at the people around them to make his mother proud. It turned out to be of no use as he kept stealing curious glances at almost everything. Regulus has no problem with non-Purebloods, but he certainly won’t go out of his way to befriend one like Sirius did. He won’t risk a punishment.
Walburga had a sickening tone no matter what she said. It’s as if she wants to make sure their stomachs turn as she speaks.
“Sirius, do not dishonor our name with your filthy behavior.”
Sirius stayed quiet. He knew he’d be lying if he said ‘yes, mother’, so instead he opted to stay silent. Regulus stood straight, ignoring the pain splintering pain across his ribs. He didn’t dare upset his mother. With a wave of her hand, Walburga dismissed Sirius. He couldn’t have made his discomfort more obvious as he practically ran onto the train.
Regulus felt the piercing gaze of both his parents on him. It made him shift in uncertainty. He immediately regretted it as his father knitted his bushy brows together. Regulus hated making his thoughts so clear. He mustered as much courage as he could to look into his mother’s eyes.
“You know what you’re expected of. Do not disappoint us, boy. You know what’s coming if you do.”
Her voice was low and deathly calm. Every word echoed throughout Regulus’ mind and sent a nauseating shiver down his spine. He was barely able to get out the words to respond to her.
“I promise that I will make you proud, Mother.”
The edge of Walburga’s lips curled up in what must’ve been as close to a smile she could get. With a nod she dismissed Regulus. He made sure not to show how desperately he wanted to get away as he walked as calmly as he could onto the train.
Only when his mother and father were out of sight did his body relax. He didn’t even realize he had been holding his breath until he had released it.
Regulus wasn’t used to being around so many people. The bustling hallway immediately overwhelmed Regulus. At least on the platform people were more spread out. He tried his best to not let his body come into contact with others, but as the hallways became more crowded with students trying to find their friends, Regulus got pushed into people. The flow of foot traffic forced him to keep shuffling along. His body tensed, it felt as if it were inflamed every time someone touched him. Regulus tried his best to find Sirius or at least an empty compartment to hide out in. Eventually it became too hard to breathe, one glimpse into a compartment that seemed empty led to him plummeting himself into the small room.
He slammed the door closed, pushing his back against it. His eyes were clenched shut as he tried controlling his breathing. Regulus didn’t understand why his emotions were all over the place. He never would’ve thought that being around so many people would be so hard.
“Erm, Hello?”
Regulus’ eyes flung open.
A round looking boy stared back at him. His cheeks were plump with a natural rosiness to them that complimented his dirty blonde hair and blue eyes.
“Are you alright there, mate?”
Regulus frowned at the boy’s casualness, his mouth set slightly agape. Soon, the whole situation caught up to him and he pursed his lips together firmly. He didn’t care if the blonde boy thought he looked constipated.
The boy didn’t look much older than Regulus, but it was clear he was not a first year.
“..I—“
Regulus struggled to find his words for some reason. He felt the tips of his ears burn with embarrassment. The blonde boy must’ve noticed because his eyes went slightly wide, as if he felt bad for making Regulus feel uncomfortable.
“Here,” The boy held out a chocolate frog. “I have plenty, I got them for my friend but I think you need one more.”
Regulus stared at the boy’s hand for far too long before reluctantly taking the chocolate.
The blonde boy smiled at him and saw it as a sign to keep talking. “My friend says chocolate is a good substitute for a calming drought. He’s really smart so I believe him.”
The boy’s friendliness felt unsettling to Regulus. He waited for the boy to tell him he owed him something now, but the condition never came. He felt stupid for just standing there with a chocolate frog in hand.
“You should sit for a moment. To catch your breath at least. My mam says it’s good to take deep breaths when you’re overwhelmed. You look overwhelmed. I could show you some breathing exercises if you’d like?”
His complete openness shocked Regulus. He’s never come across someone so… forwardly friendly?
The boy patted on the seat beside him, gesturing for Regulus to sit. Regulus caved but decided to sit as far away from the confoundingly friendly boy as possible.
“You don’t talk much, do you?” Pieces of his blonde hair fell in front of his face as the boy tilted his head.
“No.”
“Oh.”
As pathetic as it may have sounded, it was the most Regulus could scrounge out at the moment. He blinked at the blonde boy before staring down at the chocolate frog in his hands. The only other person who gifted him things had been Sirius.
“…You look awfully familiar. Do you have a sibling that goes here?” He sounded completely genuine in his question. If Regulus didn’t know any better, he would’ve assumed the boy was teasing him. Although Sirius and Regulus had their differences, there was no doubt that they were siblings.
He must’ve mistook Regulus reluctance as timidness because he quickly followed up on his words. “It’s okay if you think I might not know them. I know just about everybody at Hogwarts.” He finished with a proud smile.
“I do have a brother..”
Somehow the blonde boy’s smile grew bigger as he finally got Regulus to say more than one word. And thus, his rambling began again. “Really? Maybe my friends and I know them. Sirius and James are most likely to know a lot of people, Moony isn’t as social as them but he gets on with a handful of people.”
“Sirius?” Regulus squeaked out ungraciously. He felt like a rug had been pulled out from beneath him. Sirius wasn’t just a common name, of course his brother had to be friends with the first person he meets.
“Yup! Do you know him? He’s one of my best mates...”
Fantastic.
“…My friends are supposed to be in here any moment now. Maybe you could—“
It took all but two seconds before Regulus was out of the compartment and speed walking down the hallway.
He thanked Merlin that the hallway was nowhere near as full as it was before, but quickly cursed him when he caught sight of a familiar dark bundle of curls coming down the hall. Two boys trailed behind his brother as his eyes lit up at the sight of Regulus. Regulus’ gaze lingered on the boy behind his brother with round glasses that was laughing at a joke one of them had said. If he weren’t so consumed in his thoughts, maybe Regulus would have noticed how his hands suddenly got clammy. In that moment, Regulus knew he would fail his mother if he followed Sirius back into that compartment.
With a turn of his heel, Regulus practically sprinted in the opposite direction. He could hear his brother faintly calling out to him as he stumbled into the other train car. The younger boy couldn’t bring himself to look back at his brother. A Black never looks back.
He makes it two more train cars down before he comes across an empty compartment. He could’ve continued onto the next car, but a glimpse into it had shown that it was the Slytherin train car. He recognized another bundle of dark curls that was no doubt his beloved cousin, Narcissa. Regulus wanted nothing more than to walk up to her and hug his cousin, yet he knew he’d be eaten alive if he were to show that kind of weakness in front of the other Slytherins. Narcissa was one of the very few people in his life that he allowed to touch him. Despite the harsh expectations of being a Black, Narcissa always kept a secret heart of gold. Regulus was lucky enough to be one of the few who saw that lovely side of her. Although Regulus knew he had to be sorted into Slytherin, he felt as though he needed to savor any last moments of not being identified as a one. He knew the moment he was officially a Slytherin, Sirius would permanently hate him.
It took one try for him to successfully cast a wandless locking charm on the door. Regulus has always been curious. He yearns for knowledge, the need for being smarter than anyone else in the room hadn’t been an issue until he realized it could potentially be his death. He couldn’t be sorted into Ravenclaw. It wasn’t that he was desperate to one up others by being smarter, he just felt safer knowing that he had the power of knowledge on his side. Any sense of stability and safety at Grimmauld place was something one had to hold onto sacredly.
Now knowing that the door is locked gave his mind some sense of peace as he leaned back into the seat and allowed his mind to wander off.