Sirius fucked up. He genuinely thought that Snape would be smart enough not to do it. Turns out he was trying to get Sirius expelled and Remus executed. Sirius is so terribly sorry but Remus doesn’t care. Sirius can’t blame him but it still hurts. Because Sirius would rather die than live without Moony. He deserves to be punished as he told Regulus after letting their mother cast the cruciatus curse on him with no protest. Sirius has reached an all time low and doesn’t think he’ll ever come back up.
Remus is pissed. He doesn’t understand how Sirius could do that to him. He loved (still loves) Sirius. But Sirius betrayed him. He’s apologized so many times, but Remus just cannot bring himself to forgive him. He’s just so angry. Sirius seemed to take the hint that he needed space and left him alone but he doesn’t know if that made him feel better or worse. School has almost started back up again after yule break. Currently Remus is getting on the train. When he finds James and Peter talking.
“Hey guys whats up how have you been?” Remus says while walking up to his friends.
“I’ve been great, Pete was just telling me about his visit to Germany.” James says with his signature sunshine smile except something seems off, but Remus drops it thinking it’s probably nothing.
“It was really fun, we were visiting family.” Peter says
“That's good, I'm glad your guy’s break was good.” Remus lets out. His own break wasn’t really the best considering he was still upset over what James had dubbed “The Incident”. While he was thinking this he spots Sirius walking their way. Great speak of the devil and they shall appear. But Sirius doesn’t talk to them, in fact when he saw them his eyes widened and he froze. Now that Remus looks at him, Sirius looks really worse for wear. He has deep eye bags and has new scars that Remus hasn’t seen before. Sirius then comes to his senses, pulls himself together and walks past them quickly and Remus puts on a sneer when Sirius accidentally makes eye contact with him. Sirius opens an empty train compartment and enters it leaving their sight.
“Anyway we should probably go find a compartment before they are all taken.” James says cutting through the tension in the air.
Remus startles out of his thoughts and quickly says “Yeah- yeah that's a good idea let's go do that.” Peter gives him a look that tells Remus he didn’t do a very good job at being convincing but honestly he could care less. He just saw the person he loves with visible signs of abuse. And he doesn’t know how to feel. By the time Remus is thinking about it, they are in an empty compartment and sit down, setting their trunks on the floor.
James on the other hand knows exactly how to feel. He is horrified. James knows how bad Sirius’ parents can get and it looks like they got worse. He has come to the decision that he is talking to Sirius later no matter how mad at him he may be.
LATER THAT DAY
Sirius is done. He doesn’t want to keep going anymore. Normally when he is out past curfew he would be playing a prank. But that's not what he’s doing today. Now he is heading up to the astronomy tower. He misses his lover. Everything hurts. Mentally and physically. But he deserves it, doesn’t he? His joints are cramping and his new scars sting (including the self inflicted ones) and he deserves all of it. But he won’t let Remus see his pain. No, that would just be guilt tripping him into forgiving Sirius, he can’t do that. He can’t ever do that. It’s not right. He would be just like his mother if he did that. He deserves everything he got including friends that resent him. He’s given them all the apologies that he thought they wanted, but they didn’t seem to want them. Nor did they seem to care that he apologized.
He wanted to let it all go. To let gravity win. He’s sitting on the edge of the astronomy tower rail looking into the horizon wishing that he had never told Snape to follow Remus. It was dangerous and stupid, and he was so glad that James had gotten there in time. No matter how much he hated Snape he didn’t think he deserved to die. And Sirius almost got him killed. He has started leaving Remus alone. In fact he has left everyone alone. He mainly just sits in the library nowadays. He doesn’t even read anything. He just sits and stares out the window questioning why he did it. Why was he stupid enough to even talk to Snape that day? Thinking about how happy everyone would be if he just disappeared. His world caved as soon as he dared Snape to do that.
It was all his fault. He could’ve gotten the love of his life killed. He deserves to die for that. That’s his reason for being in the astronomy tower. Tears flow freely down his face and he looks down at the ground. He chuckles thinking of the headlines ‘House of Black heir jumps off the astronomy tower at Hogwarts’. Regulus would become the heir. He would be a good heir, it’s what he’s always wanted. To be an only child. Yet another reason for him to jump. The only person that would really be upset would probably be Andromeda but she would get over it eventually. She had that guy, Ted, that was his name.
The sky was beautiful tonight. His star shined as bright as ever. The irony was funny. Someone named after the brightest star has burnt out. He no longer shines like he once did. That's okay though, the brightest stars always burnt out the quickest.
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Remus is going up to the astronomy tower when he sees someone sitting on the railing. Familiar black hair faces him and he gasps quietly, not loud enough for the person to hear. “Sirius” He whispers. Why is Sirius Black sitting on the railing of the astronomy tower? Remus thinks and then it hits, he’s going to jump.
He hears Sirius chuckle at something and then whisper “Oh Walaburga is going to hate this. Me ruining the reputation of house Black. That's definitely going on the pros list for this.” Remus puts his hand to his mouth gaping at Sirius. He’s about to kill himself and he’s still thinking about defying his mother.
Remus slowly walks towards Sirius, making his footsteps quiet so he doesn’t hear. Suddenly Sirius starts to move to jump and Remus wraps his arms around Sirius and pulls him back, both of them falling on the concrete of the astronomy tower.
“Wha-?” Sirius starts to say as he turns to face the person who just stopped him freezing when he sees Remus.
“What the fuck do you think you’re doing.” Remus says in a shaky voice.
“Remus? Why- Why did you stop me? Why are you here?” Sirius lets out as he cries, confused why the person he thought wanted him dead just saved his life.
“Sirius I- you can’t honestly think I wanted you dead? Sirius I'm angry, and hurt but I still care about you.”
“You shouldn’t. I hurt you so much you should hate me.”
“I don’t think I could hate you if I tried. I love you Sirius. I don’t think I could stop loving you.” Remus says as he also starts to cry and goes to hold Sirius’ hands
“I don’t understand, I thought this would make you happy.” Sirius says as he makes eye contact with Remus and all he can see in his eyes is sadness.
“No!” Remus chokes out “Sirius, no, no I- I don’t think I would’ve been able to take it if I wasn’t here to stop you.” Remus then grabs Sirius in a hug and just holds him as the two of them sob, James is sure to start searching for Remus soon but he doesn’t care. He just wants to hold Sirius. Make it feel real that he has Sirius and he didn’t jump. Sirius just wants to be held. Wants the reassurance that Remus doesn’t hate him. He feels safe in his lover's arms and just rests his head on Remus’ shoulder, clutching the back of his shirt.
They sit there for a good while clutching onto each other, not wanting the moment to end.
"What does this mean?" Sirius whispers, scared he's not going to like the answer.
"I don't know Padfoot, but I want to try. I want to try to fix this, I want to try to forgive you. I'm not there quite yet but I think I will be, eventually." Remus whispers back just as quietly, he's still hurt but wanting so badly to make this work.
''I'd like that, I'd like that a lot actually." Sirius says, picking his head up off of Remus' shoulder to look him in the eyes.
They then hear footsteps approaching and they both look up to see James gaping at them
"What the fuck did I miss?" Sirius and Remus share a look and then, adding to James' bewilderment, start cracking up laughing. Everything will be okay, Sirius thinks, yeah, everything will be just fine.
THE END