Chapter 1
The weather had turned, and sitting by the lake wasn't the warmest place, but Sirius didn't really care anymore. There was not much point of him caring about anything. It was four weeks to the day that he had fucked everything up, and with each day that passed he felt more and more alone.
He truly hadn't meant for it to happen. Three days before the last full moon, he had been sat in his favourite shadowy corner of the castle, trying desperately to focus on the chapter of the standard book of spells grade six that he was supposed to have read the week before, but he had been so exhausted by nightmares that he hadn't. Truth be told he had still been reeling from a nightmare then, and the noise of the common room had become overwhelming.
Who should come up to him as he desperately tries to get peace and quiet than Severus Snape, followed by Barty Crouch, Evan Rosier and Regulus and they had all looked as confused as he was.
Snape had taunted him, threatened him, not that he paid much attention until he said: "heard that Lupins a werewolf, why don't you tell me where he hides every month."
Sirius remembered how frightened he had become. "W-what?" He had stuttered. Snape had laughed at him then.
"Got your attention." He had sneered, taking out his wand, pointing it directly at his heart. "come on Black, what's the secret?"
Sirius had tried to play the fool, not that it worked, Snape had continued taunting him until he had snapped, told him how to get through the whomping willow and begged him to leave him alone.
Not that he ever thought Snape would be stupid enough to actually go through with it on a full moon.
He had, and then told James, Remus and Peter that he had told him, made himself look inoccent. And they believed him, Sirius hadn't been there that night, his nightmares and fatigue had gotten worse, he hadn't even the strength to transform, let alone distract a werewolf for entire night.
His friends had yelled at him, banished him from the group, told him their disappointment and he has just agreed. He had betrayed them after all.
It was weird how quickly he had fallen into a routine, wake up before his friends and get ready and leave before they woke up. Do his homework and have a smoke by the lake after dinner and stay there until he guessed his friends had fallen asleep, and then go to bed.
They couldn't even look at him anymore. Not that he blamed them.
"Hey." A voice made him jump out of his skin and suddenly Evan Rosier was sat beside him. "Do you mind? I'm all out."
Without really thinking, Sirius offered him the packet of cigarettes. He hadn't thought Evan Rosier of all people would smoke, nor would mind smoking with him.
"Thanks." Evan took a drag and then looked at him. "What are you doing out here Black?"
"Smoking." Sirius shrugged, raising his own cigarette as though it answered the question. "I can go if you want." He offered, the last thing he wanted was to disappoint anyone else.
"Nah you're cool." Evan shrugged. "I'm Evan, I know you know that but technically we've never talked so."
"Sirius."
This was the first time in weeks he had even considered smiling.
"Your friends are pissed at you huh?"
"Yeah."
"Probably should have stopped Snape, sorry about that."
Sirius stared at him, why was Evan apologising. "it's not your responsibility."
"He kinda threatened you." Evan pointed out. "Guessing they think you told him about Lupin too?"
Sirius just nodded. How did Evan know so much. "Yeah."
"You could tell them."
"I can't."
"You out here everyday?"
Sirius nodded, not sure why Evan wanted to know. The Slyrtherin boy smiled at him.
"Mine if I join you?"
"Erm... Sure I guess."
He wasn't sure why he found Evan so easy to talk to, maybe it was his sheer loneliness, maybe it was how well they seemed to get on, Sirius wasn't sure. Not that it really mattered.
Four hours had passed by the time Sirius made it back to the dorm room, he shared with his friends. Well, they weren't really his friends anymore.
He was sure they would be asleep when he returned, but all the lamps was on and James was sat up in bed with his arms crossed.
"Where the fuck have you been?" He asked.
"Oh, I went for a smoke." Sirius replied, he hadn't expexted them to care. At least they couldn't accuse him of lying, he smelt like smoke.
"For four hours?" James asked, even Remus had looked up from his book and was staring at him.
"Yeah." Sirius replied quietly, before gathering his pyjamas and heading for a shower.
They watched him with glares until he closed the curtain on his bed and then he just sat there. He didn't know what to do, he wasn't brave enough to even attempt to try to talk to his friends. He'd lost his best friends, his boyfriend, because he was too weak to stand up to Severus Snape of all people.
He could hear them talking, but didn't even bother trying to listen, not that he had the energy to anyway. He still had nightmares every night, barely slept and had fallen asleep during potions too many times to count over the last couple weeks. He heard his brother's voice join the mix and inwardly sighed. He still dared not make a sound when in the dormitory unless necessary.
Regulus and James had been getting close since the summer, and Sirius probably should be upset about it, worried about it. He was, really, but he wasn't in a position to say amything and he knew James would never hurt his brother, he would trust James with anything.
"Sirius? Can I come in?" Regulus' voice cut through his thoughts.
"Oh, sure." Sirius tried his best to sound normal. "Everything okay?" He added as his brother climbed through the curtain and onto the bed.
"I'm fine." Regulus was looking at him with pity and he hated it. "Why do you have the curtains closed, you hate small spaces?"
"It's fine."
"Are- are you okay?" Regulus was frowning at him now. He nodded, forcing a smile.
"Course I am."
"Listen, I got a letter from mother, asking us to come home for Christmas." Regulus pulled the parchment out of his pocket.
"I got one too." Sirius nodded, he was about to move to grab it from his bedside cabinet when he remembered exactly why he had the curtains closed. "It's over there."
"We're not going, I'm probably going to stay here, will you stay?"
"I don't know Reggie." Sirius sighed, pulling his knees to his chest.
"Where else are you going to go? We're all staying here." Regulus told him.
"Can i- can I think about it?" Sirius asked. His brother nodded.
"Don't do anything stupid." He warned, before getting off his brother's bed and heading over to James.
"That's the most we've heard him speak in weeks." He heard James comment. "He's stopped trying to apologise now. Four weeks and he gives up?"
"James." Regulus sighed. "He's trying to give you all space."
"You're too good to him, you know that?" James said.
"No, he's too good to me." Regulus said, before Sirius heard him walking across the room.
"Reggie!" James called after him, he ran out of the door. Sirius just got into bed, pulled a pillow over his head and screwed his eyes shut.