Sincerely, Sirius

Once again, the month between full moons went by both too fast and too slow. The few weeks that Remus was able to come home were blissful but flew by far too quickly. The rest of the time, he spent mostly on missions. James was far too overwhelmed with anything to really take up any of Sirius’s nervous energy for the upcoming full moon.

He had started to take more missions; having something to do every day made managing his thoughts much easier. 

Tonight he had a scouting mission. They had gotten intel that some Death Eaters were picking up a delivery from Borgin and Burkes after hours. He had been paired with Dorcas to go and watch the interaction, to see if they could find out what the Death Eaters were picking up. Perhaps get identities if they could, something that the Aurors could use to pull people in for questioning.

Sirius was waiting at a back table at the Leaky Cauldron for Dorcas to walk in. He had a warm butterbeer clutched in his hands as he stared off into the distance, trying not to think about how everything had changed for him. 

He could hardly recognize his life anymore. Just since April he has learned that his brother is not dead, and even has him back in his life. They have spoken about things that have haunted Sirius for years. He learned things about his brother he never knew, and is so thankful he has been given the chance. 

Beyond that, he has fallen impossibly more in love with Remus, which makes his extended absences even more painful. 

And now he often goes days without speaking to James. That is something that still bothers him; he wishes that particular bit of his life hadn’t changed. He understands that James is busy and he cannot give Sirius the same devotion he used to. It still stings, even if the reason is the personification of everything good in this world. 

Sighing and taking another long sip of his butterbeer, he let his eyes flick around the room, landing on an old man in the far corner of the pub. The man was staring at him, hardly blinking, and it was rather unnerving.

Sirius decided to ignore it but found himself glancing back to see the man still watching him as the minutes ticked by.

Deciding to acknowledge the man, he made direct eye contact with him and raised his eyebrows. Hopefully, this will adequately convey his "what the fuck are you looking at?" question without him needing to ask the man outright to fuck off. 

Instead, the man smirks at him and nods his head in the direction of the door before standing and walking out, seemingly asking Sirius to follow him. 

Intrigued and a little wary, he decides to follow. The man looked about 100 years old and as if he would be blown over by a strong gust of wind. Thus, his curiosity won out over his caution.

Striding out the door, he looked around for the man, seeing him peering out at Sirius from behind the edge of the building. As soon as he made eye contact with Sirius, he ducked back behind the wall into the alley that was there.

Sirius followed. Walking into the alley with his wand ready in his hand.

The man was leaning casually against the stone wall, watching Sirius with a smirk as he looked down at his wand. Something about the man was oddly familiar.

His croaking voice struck Sirius with the amusement it held: “What, are you going to hex an old man? Would you stoop that low, Sirius?”

Merlin, there was something about him. He must have met the man before. “How do you know me?”

“Oh Siri, I’m hurt. You don’t recognize your own baby brother?”

His eyebrows shot up at that, “Reggie?”

“Oui.”

“What the fuck, Reg? What are you doing here? Is everything all right?"

At that, the old man's face dropped all mirth, grave concern settling in its place. "No, Sirius, everything is not all right. I– I was keeping an eye on some things and overheard talk about an ambush tonight. At Borgin and Burkes, they know it's you and Dorcas who are supposed to be there. They were given orders to try to capture you or not let you escape alive at all.”

Sirius felt the sudden flood of fear course through him. How would the Death Eaters know that? They shouldn’t know that. “How did you find out?"

“I don’t sit at home when I’m not with you. Not when I can listen and try to find out who the order spy is. That's the best thing I can do to keep you, Remus, and James alive.”

His mind was racing; he had only accepted this mission two days ago. It was a full meeting, only a few order members missing because they were on missions, Remus and James included. “James isn’t on missions right now.” He responded distractedly. 

“What? Why? Is he all right?"

Sirius's attention snapped back to Reg, noting the panic in his voice. Shit. "No, Reg, James is fine, I promise. He’s just—busy."

“Busy?

“Reg, we can’t talk about James right now. Dorcas is going to be here any minute and will wonder where the hell I am. I need to know what you know so I can stop this from happening.”

"Sirius, just tell Dorcas the mission was canceled and go home. Explain to Dumbledore that you overheard someone talking and didn’t want to risk your lives.”

“Reg, I can’t do that. With this information, we can reverse the ambush and maybe catch some of them. Take out a few from their side.”

"Please, Sirius, don’t do this. They want to capture you, and do who fucking knows what to you.”

“Of course they do, Reg. This is a war.”

"Salazar's sack, you are so fucking stupid. I’m offering you this information to save your life. I need you, and I need you to be alive.” Regulus closed his eyes and shuddered out a breath, "Please, Siri.”

He watched his brother's face for a long moment before swallowing down the last of his arguments. “Fine. I’ll get Dorcas and go to Dumbledore.”

“Thank you.”

“Just get out of here before I change my mind. I’ll see you in a week.”

With that, Regulus apparated away with a loud crack.

He needed to talk to Dumbledore; this spy needed to be stopped.

—

Sirius had been fuming since the night Reggie warned them about the ambush. He had gone back into the Leaky Cauldron only long enough to find Dorcas and pull her through the floo. Arriving through the floo at the Three Broomsticks, they made their way quickly up to Hogwarts and straight to Dumbledore. 

Shaken, he explained to the Headmaster and Dorcas that he had overheard some hooded figures. They were planning to ambush them at Borgin and Burkes.

Dumbledore seemed engrossed in his story, watching him over his half-moon glasses as Sirius paced the room. Dorcas seemed too stunned to say anything, just flicking her attention between the two until Sirius stopped talking. 

He waited. Watched as Dumbledore sat back in his chair and simply responded, “Thank you for informing me; I will take it under advisement. You may use the floo here to return home.”

It took a solid minute for either of them to move. Dorcas stood first and walked toward the floo, clearly still dazed by the information dumped in her lap. That was enough to snap Sirius out of his dumbfounded state. Yelling before he even knew what he was doing, “Are you fucking kidding me? We have a spy in the Order who wants specifically to kill us, and you are just going to take it under advisement?” 

He had honestly expected Dumbledore to be angry. He had never seen anyone yell at the man. Not even he had ever lost his cool at the headmaster in all his time attending Hogwarts, though there were times he had come close.

The man didn’t so much as blink in surprise at the raised voice admonishing him. He simply smiled at Sirius and coolly responded, “Mr. Black, I do understand your frustration. I am also bothered by the loss of secrecy in the Order. As much as I wish I could wave my wand and reveal the spy to be dealt with, I cannot. We must bide our time and do the best we can with things as they are.”

Stupid. So fucking hopelessly stupid. Clearly, Dumbledore had no real interest in flushing out the rat among them. He seemed perfectly content to just let it keep happening. Letting lives be put in danger as the spy passes on information about Order members and missions.

Hell, he could think of at least half a dozen ways to figure out who the spy is. But every time he has brought it up, he has been shut down either by Moody or Dumbledore himself.

Now isn’t the time to think about it, though Regulus will be there any minute to meet him. 

Sirius paced the edge of the shack's wards. He knew he was in the right place because he recognized the old oak tree, so even though he couldn’t see the shack, he knew it was there. 

It was 9:45 the last time he checked, and he was hoping Reggie would be there by now. 

Time passed at a crawl as he continued to wear a path into the earth beneath the old oak. Casting a quick tempus he sucked in a breath, seeing that it was already past 10:30. He was late. Regulus was never late. 

Panic set in quickly, his heart and mind racing with possibilities. Placing his hand against the wards, he pushed. They pushed back; the resistance was strong. 

Pulling out his wand, he started to cast anything he could think of to take the wards down or break them. Anything to get in. Maybe Reg was inside and hurt. He could be in trouble, and there might be some answer in the shack. Something to tell him where his brother could be. He needed to get in.

He was struggling to keep his breathing even; the fear sank its talons into his mind. 

The spells he cast were getting sloppier as he kept pushing against the wards. Nothing was working.

Standing back, he clenched his fists, bending over and screaming his frustration. His voice tore out of his chest, tears escaping his eyes as he squeezed them shut. He listened to his own terror surfacing as his surroundings went silent. Then he went silent—but no, he was still screaming…

A hand grabbed the back of his shirt and yanked him backward.

He stumbled through the wards, feeling them wash over him as he tried to right himself again. Spinning as soon as his footing was secure.

Regulus. His brother was standing in front of him, eyes ice cold and glaring. “What the hell do you think you are doing, Sirius? Do you want to let the whole of Wales know we're here?”

In an instant, his whole world flooded back in; he was safe. He gasped out his brother's name, but no sound escaped his lips. Regulus quickly waved his wand, and suddenly Sirius could once again hear his own ragged breaths. A sob crawled up his throat as he flung himself at his brother, pulling him into a back-breaking hug before he could be stopped.

He buried his face in the side of Regulus’s head, letting the relief flood out of him as salty tears tracked down his cheeks.

Sirius clung tightly to Reg, who was not hugging him back. Rather, he stood stock still, arms held slightly away from himself. "Uh—Siri, what the hell are you doing?”

Sirius just cried harder.

“Are you alright?” Concern had crept into his brother's voice. “Are you hurt?”

He let out a wet laugh at that, snuffling and pulling back slightly, though not letting go. “Me? I was worried about you. You said 10 a.m."

Regulus’s eyebrows pulled together, “It's, what, 10:42, Sirius.”

“You are never late. You have literally never been late to anything ever; I was scared something had happened to you.”

Sirius watched as Reggie let out a punched breath, moving quickly to bring Sirius back into a hug. "You're a moron. You know that?”

He let out an offended huff in response.

He could feel Regulus’s body shudder with a laugh, “Siri, I am clearly fine. I am sorry you were concerned; I didn’t mean to scare you.” He pulled away and smiled, "But I was just asleep. I fell asleep reading over some books that might help us. I was up late after my shift and I didn’t wake up to my alarm, that's all.”

“Shift?”

"Yeah, Sirius, I know you don’t know how jobs work, but I do have one, and I need to be there sometimes.”

“You’re working again? Are you still bartending?”

“I am. I enjoy it.”

Shaking his head, he looked at his brother again. His hair was slightly disheveled, and he had bags under his eyes. He looked exhausted. “I’m glad you enjoy it, but don’t you think you have enough to do without working as well?”

“I find it relaxing, actually, watching and talking to muggles. They have no idea what is going on with our war. They are just existing, and I get to be there for a small fraction of their lives, just as some random stranger with no name or expectations. I know it isn’t much, but it's nice. Especially when I am usually out spying on Death Eaters or with you on my nights off, it's a good escape.”

“I’m proud of you.”

Regulus was quiet for a moment before softly saying, “What?” He sounded broken, quiet like he was scared that he hadn’t heard Sirius correctly.

“You have done so much and have found yourself; I am proud of you for what you have achieved. I am glad I get to be here and be a part of it with you.”

“Thank you.”

“Mmm”

Silence stretched for a moment before Regulus spoke again, “If I had been dead, you would have been dead too.”

“You could have been kidnapped or something, Reggie. I had no way of knowing that.”

“I suppose. Still, though, did you have to go full madman? I think you scared off all wildlife for at least a mile.”

“I was terrified. I couldn’t get in here, and I had no idea where you were, if you were safe.

Regulus turned and walked to the edge of the wards, starting to cast some spells. It took him only a few minutes before he stopped and returned to Sirius. “There, you are on the wards. Now you can get in here next time, just in case.”

“Thank you.”

“Thank you for worrying about me.”

“Always.”

His brother nodded and walked back into the shack, returning a moment later with two vials. “We should get going if you're all right to head out.

“I am, let's do this.” He smirked.

Regulus rolled his eyes and handed him a vial that he downed immediately. The feeling of his body changing again washed over him. Opening his eyes again, Reg had his eyes shut and his lips pulled into a tight line, “Couldn’t have waited for us to discuss the plan first?”

“Shit.”

He watched his brother take a deep breath and down his own vile, “We will just have to make this fast– faster then. We will apparate just outside of the Malfoys' wards and walk in. Bella is often at Narcissa’s place to visit Draco so her showing up shouldn't raise any questions.”

“Draco?”

“Sirius, Cissy had a baby in early June. He’s nearly five months old now.”

“Oh. I didn’t know.”

“It doesn’t matter right now. It won't be odd for Bella to visit, but if they question why Rudolphus is there, we can just say that we have a mission to attend to as soon as we leave.”

“Okay, that's all fine, but you can't possibly think we will be able to just walk right through Malfoy’s ward like we did at Lestrange Manor. Narcissa’s too smart, and Lucius is too cunning.”

“Yes, but Narcissa doesn't believe I'm dead.” He shrugged.

He whipped around to look at Regulus. “What! She knows?”

“She doesn't know. She hopes. But because she wants me to be alive and able to come to her, I'm sure she's left me on the wards.”

“And you think Lucius would do that? Leave you on the wards just because Narcissa hopes you're still alive?”

“Yes.” He looks straight at Sirius, "he may be a prick but he does love Cissy.”

“I'll just take your word for that.”

“Good, are you ready to leave then?”

Sirius nodded and held out his arm for Regulus to apparate them to Malfoy Manor.

—

They landed just outside the large iron gate at the end of the Malfoys' driveway.

Regulus walked right up to the gate and pushed it open, allowing Sirius to walk through behind him before shutting it again. As soon as the latch clicked into place, he turned and walked quickly to the edge of the wards. Looking back at Sirius, he closed his eyes and reached out his hand to the wards. 

Nothing happened. Regulus was right; Narcissa must have asked for Reggie to be left on the wards even though their family had already had a funeral for him. She hadn't given up hope that he would walk through her door one day, alive and well. 

The truth of that sank like a rock in his stomach. She never gave up on Regulus like he had. Yet he was the one standing here with his brother back in his life, and Narcissa was still dreaming that he would someday return.

He was returning, though, and she had no idea. 

As they walked through the front door, it quickly became clear that no one was home. The house was eerily silent as they walked through the halls. 

Sirius relaxed as much as possible. At least they were alone; they wouldn’t have to explain to anyone what they were doing in the Manor. That didn't mean he couldn’t feel the unease gripping his shoulders. 

He had been here before, but it was only once, when Narcissa had announced her engagement to Malfoy. It had been a small dinner with just their two families, a quiet affair. He would have returned for the engagement party later that Christmas break. But instead, he had been disowned and was recovering from his injuries at the Potters. 

Now that he thought about it, that evening was the last time he had been civil with Regulus before their recent reunion. He and Regulus had been seated in the living room as the adults all talked with the new couple. They were quietly poking fun at Lucius and the stick he seemed to have up his ass. 

It was the last time he spoke to Regulus before the dinner a few days later when Walburga had insisted he start taking finding a bride more seriously. He had answered her with a sharp laugh and a Sirius joke, then told her he would never marry any of the girls she put in front of him. 

Apparently, the undertone of his words was not as subtle as he hoped they would be. Walburga had walked behind his chair and entered his mind faster than he could hide his thoughts. She clawed through his mind like butter. He didn't stand a chance; his secrets lay bare to her. Remus. Sirius and Remus. 

She had recoiled like it burned her. Then she burned him. Right off the family tapestry and out of their lives, nearly claiming his. He didn’t know how he survived or how he had made it to the Potters. He had woken a few days later in their spare bedroom with the concerned face of Effie watching over him.

He and Regulus's relationship had not been the same since then. They spoke a few times at school after that, but he had always been too harsh. Too quick to assume that Regulus felt the same about him as Walburga and Orion. He knew now that he hadn't, but he had been too scared of the rejection from his little brother, so he rejected him first.

He had lost so much time.

Regulus stopped in front of him and turned to face him. “Same as the Lestrange Manor, if they have the Horcrux here then they will likely have it stored in Lucius's office or the library. They have several locked library cases filled with dark manuscripts. If I were the one hiding the book for Voldemort then I would probably hide it with the other dark books. Harder to find if it's hidden in plain sight."

“Should we start in the library then?”

“I think it would be wise. Starting further into the house and working through the rooms back toward the front door is probably the smartest move anyway. If they return, then we can make a speedy retreat.”

“Lead the way. I have no idea where we are going.”

Regulus nodded and started to walk quickly down several corridors before swinging open a large dark wood door. The room beyond was much smaller than even the library at Grimmauld place. floor to ceiling bookshelves lined the room. Sirius immediately turned to the shelves and started to look before he felt a hand on his shoulder. 

He turned to see Regulus looking at him with a small smirk. “Not yet. Follow me.”

His brother walked across the room to the far corner and reached up to a shelf above his head, pulling back on a plain leather book. The clunk it made startled him as he watched with wide eyes as a section of the shelf started to swing inward. 

The room on the other side was dark until the door folded all the way in, hitting the inside wall with a dull thud. Just seconds later, the room lit up with soft candlelight. 

Regulus turned back to him and gestured for Sirius to enter first.

Much like the previous room they were in, there were bookshelves around the perimeter of the room. This time, though, the shelves along the back wall were behind glass cabinet doors with intricate led designs. A small table and wingback chair sat on a rug in the center of the space.

Sirius walked to the center of the room and stopped. He watched as his brother strolled up to the shelves and started to wave his wand, muttering the spells quietly under his breath. Slowly, each cabinet door swung open with a soft creak.

“Come and start looking through the books in the cabinets that are open, but don't touch anything. Some of these books are cursed and can only be touched by someone of the Malfoy bloodline. Not even Narcissa can touch those ones. Best to be careful; if you think you've found it, then I will come over to confirm.”

Sirius nodded and started to scan the shelves. 

“I'll finish opening the cabinets and start looking from this side.”

The following few minutes were silent as both brothers concentrated on their search. Neither spoke until they met in the middle of the shelves with nothing to show for it. 

Sighing, Sirius stepped back and flopped into the chair as Regulus started closing and relocking the cabinets.

Sirius let his mind wander as he took in the rest of the room. “So, Cissy is a mum now?”

“Mhmm.”

"Do—do you think… Never mind." He shook his head.

Regulus quickly glanced over his shoulder at him. “Do I think what, Sirius?”

“Do you think she will be a good mum? Better than hers or ours?”

“I think she will be a fantastic mum. Not sure where it came from, but she and Andromeda were always more maternal than any of the other women in our family. I mean, you remember Aunt Cassiopeia and Aunt Lucinda; they looked at us like we were ants to squish underfoot. I'm glad they never had children; I think they would have been worse than Mother and Aunt Druella combined.”

Sirius shuddered, “That's a scary thought. You said she had a boy? I would have thought they would have started having kids years ago with all of Lucius’s talk about blood purity and family lineage.”

Regulus hummed quietly, locking another cabinet before continuing. “That's a bit more of a complicated sentiment. They technically have been trying for years, but none of the pregnancies took.”

He looked down at his fingers that were tracing the stitching design on the arm of the chair. "Oh, I had no idea.”

“You wouldn't; you had run off to the Potters by then and weren't speaking to me.”

“Reg–”

“It's fine, Sirius, we've talked about it enough recently. Let's let it rest for a bit, shall we? Anyway, Cissy wasn't very open about the pregnancies. I don't think she wanted them, if I'm honest. I think she was hoping she could hold off until the war was over and keep her child out of it." Regulus's voice sounded soft and concerned. 

“Do you think we can end the war before her kid’s old enough to know anything about it?” he asked, looking anywhere but at his brother. His eye caught on a small pocket watch sitting on the table beside him. 

“I hope so; this isn't a good time to be bringing new life into our world. It's too dangerous.” He looked back over to Reggie, seeing that he wasn't even halfway through locking the cabinets. Really, he should check what time it is; the potion Regulus had brewed would only last about an hour and a half.

“Do you think you would want to have kids after the war is over?” he asked, guilt settling in his stomach as he reached for the watch. 

His fingers wrapped around the cool metal before a sharp pain shot from his fingertips up his arm to his chest. He yanked his hand back with a gasp.

His heart was racing. Looking down at his hand, he could see his fingertips were an angry red, every capillary pulsing, bursting with each beat of his heart.

The initial shock of pain quickly spread to a molten burning sensation through his arm and burning up his chest, slowly creeping up his neck. 

He clenched his teeth against the pain; he couldn't speak, but he was begging in his mind for the pain to stop.

He hadn't realized he was squeezing his eyes shut until he felt a hand on his arm. He tried to jerk away; the pain was made worse by the pressure placed on it. 

Peeling his eyes open, he had to blink rapidly to try and clear the tears forming there. His cousin's face swam in front of him, terror scorching her features. No, it wasn't Bellatrix; she wouldn't care if he were in pain. It was Regulus, his brother in Bella's body. 

That made more sense. He watched as his brother's mouth was moving, but he couldn't hear anything over the ringing in his ears.

Regulus reached for his arm again, this time not letting go when he screamed. He couldn't stand it; the pain was excruciating. Throwing his head back, he renewed his begging for the pain to stop. Please make it stop; please do anything to make it stop!

He felt the pressure of Regulus's hand move down his arm until it gripped his wrist. Forcibly unfurling his fingers from around the watch.

The metal was still cool against his burning skin until it was gone. Leaving only the fiery pain in its place. The pain that was steadily getting worse.

It had fully encompassed his head by now, every pore and hair follicle alight. He could feel his pulse in his neck as he strained against the pressure building. Make it stop, please! It hurts; make it stop!

Then, a brief moment of relief. For just a second, the pain subsided. For just a heartbeat, it was gone. 

Oh.

His heartbeat. It was slowing, the beats spacing out. There. One beat skipped, the pain subsiding again. Relief. The pressure in his head, in his neck, and fingers lightened. His heartbeat was softer, fluttering.

Oh. He was dying.

He didn't care. If dying meant the pain would leave him, then he welcomed it.

Another beat skipped. Peace.

Flutter and thump. Thud. Ouch. The pain in his head suddenly reignited for a moment. Then another beat skipped, and another.

He felt like he was floating now. The pressure in his body was almost completely gone. 

The ringing in his ears was gone. He tried to open his eyes, tried to find—what did he need to find?

He was looking up, the ceiling above him fading in and out of the shadows creeping around him. Someone was talking near him, muttering, but he couldn't make it out. It sounded like they were talking underwater. 

He couldn't listen; he was too distracted by the stars now fluttering in his vision. They were beautiful; he had always liked stars. Stars and the moon. 

Hmm, he always loved the moon. He wished the moon were here now instead of the stars—no, with the stars and the sun. He loved them all.

The pain was gone now. He took a deep breath, but his lungs were tired; they didn't want to hold the weight of his life anymore. He let it go.

His heart skipped a beat, and another, and another. And another—

Shit. No. No no no! The pain was back. He felt it in his chest like a thousand bolts of lightning hitting him at once. The pressure forced his lungs to expand again.

He could feel his back arch against something solid as he screamed again. The pain was back as completely as it had been. He could feel the hot tracks of tears rolling down his face. No, no, no, please make the pain stop!

Then it did.