Misunderstandings
After Severus’ altercation with the ministry, the rest of the school year seemed to fly by. Sarah tried her best to help Severus keep his stores up to date for the hospital wing as exams came and went. Finally as classes concluded, Severus made his way to the great hall for one final meal with his coworkers before he would return to Spinner’s End. He sat in his regular spot one last time and glanced around at the familiar faces while appreciating the merciful quiet of a childless school.
Conversationally, Severus turned to Sarah, “do you have any grand summer plans?” Sarah neglected to make eye contact, chewing and nodding. “I will be spending as much time as I can hiking and reading,” she said finally, still not looking at Severus. “Where is your home?” Severus asked abruptly. Sarah looked up at him then. Severus could see she looked surprised at the question. “I’ve rented a spot in Ireland for the summer. Close to the ocean and as far away from tourists as I can get.” Severus chuckled at that and Sarah gave him a wry smile. “Well, if you ever wanted to meet up for a brew, you are welcome to send me an owl.” Severus surprised himself. Sarah looked surprised at the offer too. “Perhaps I will,” she said with a smile, returning to her meal.
Shortly after their meal, the professors all went their separate ways to pack up what was left of their belongings and head to their own homes for the break. The castle was mercifully empty and Severus relished in the quiet before he made his way to Hogsmeade to apparate to his home.
Standing outside of Spinner’s end, Severus turned the door knob and opened the door to an empty home. Normally the emptiness was a relief at the end of a long year, but this year, he felt a pang. Was it loneliness? Perhaps, but he would never admit it.
—
As the summer wore on, Severus waited impatiently for any owl post to arrive, feeling dissatisfied by the meager post he did receive, always searching for a letter that never came. He busied himself by working in his personal lab. He was constantly trying new things, endeavoring to make current potions more efficient, or filling gaps in the potion market. He whittled his summer hours away day by day, wishing it would go by faster, so he could be back at Hogwarts once more. He constantly surprised himself that he was wishing his holidays away,
When the letters never came, Severus started to doubt himself. Perhaps they did not have a friendship after all. Perhaps he was just being used as a distraction. Perhaps, she was just using him for his potion stores. He couldn’t shake her general calm demeanor and her need to occlude. The only people he knew to occlude were people who had things to hide. He began to dwell more on it as the weeks wore on. What did she have to hide? Was she a spy too? Was she trying to befriend him as a ploy from the American ministry? Were they seeking information on him? Did they still feel that he was unjustly saved from Azkaban? That must be it. She must be getting close to him to gain information. Maybe gather his potion secrets to sell to the government. His mind wandered to any possible reason for her absence over the summer and any possibility for her closeness to him during the past year. He couldn’t trust it. She couldn’t be trusted.
By the time the summer came to an end, any warm flutters in his chest that would occur at the mention of Sarah’s name had vanished.
—
Another summer had come and gone. Sarah had spent it in Ireland, living a quiet life on the coast. The longer she stayed there, the less she wanted to leave. She became connected with her little cottage. Almost too connected. It became difficult even to walk to the local store to pick up food. She started to avoid it at all costs, letting herself go without food at times to avoid people. She didn’t want to see people. She couldn’t trust people. All too soon, the summer was over and she had to return. It took every ounce of mental strength she had to apparate away from her safe space. Arriving in Hogsmeade, she shivered in the dampness, eyeing the vastness of the castle in the distance. She could do this. She could do this…
—
At their first meal as a staff, Severus swept in darkly. Not wanting to talk to anyone, he grumpily sat in his normal place. Shortly after, Sarah quietly appeared at her regular place to his left. She looked up at him then with a smile “Severus! How was your summer? I can’t believe it has already come and gone!” Severus met her eyes with a dark glare. She shied away, smile faltering. “My summer was fine. Thank you for deigning to seem interested about how I spent it,” he said coldly and turned back to his food. Faltering, Sarah turned slowly back to her plate. Her appetite gone.
Severus refused to speak with Sarah again, his glowering making it very clear that she needed to give him space. When Albus’ start-of-year staff speech was finally over, Severus practically launched himself out his seat to leave the hall as quickly as possible, leading to a few perplexed stares from other staff members.
Severus spent the week leading to the start of classes doing his usual routine, which consisted of checking to ensure his ingredient stores were up to date and going through the list of potions to brew for Poppy in the Hospital wing. By Wednesday, he had gathered what he needed and was ready to begin brewing. His agitation had caused him to take longer to filter through the lists Poppy had sent, and now he was running behind. Cursing himself at his own weakness, he started to lay out the ingredients for the first potion on his list when he heard a soft knock at his door. He knew that knock. He wanted to ignore it but he wouldn’t stoop to such childish behaviour. Reluctantly, he waved his wand and the door flew open to reveal Sarah with her hand raised to knock in a similar fashion to the previous year. Severus couldn’t help but notice that in contrast to the year previous, Sarah looked a little less put together and perhaps a little more tired. But he didn’t care. He was too angry that he had fallen into her trap. Whatever the trap was… he was going to figure it out.
Sarah cleared her throat warily. “Need a hand?” She said softly. Severus could tell her shields were well in place. Why was that? Reluctantly he gestured to Sarah’s usual work station. She nodded silently and went straight over to look at Poppy’s list. She took note of the ingredients Severus had on the counter and surmised the potion he was working on. She began to gather ingredients for the next potion down on his list. Silently, they worked together and once Sarah had bottled her brew and cleaned her workspace, she left without a word. Severus’ eyes followed her out the door. He didn’t know what to make of the interaction.
Their existence continued to be strained. Severus knew it was because he had made himself unapproachable but he didn’t care. It needed to be this way. He couldn’t risk being close to someone he couldn’t trust. He couldn’t trust anyone as it was but he certainly could not let himself near this occlumens. He needed to find out what she was hiding. It was difficult however, to figure out what she was hiding if he refused to speak with her though…
During the second week of classes, Sarah came quietly into Severus’ office and knocked softly on his door. She was never loud, he noticed. It was almost like she preferred not to be seen. Severus looked up from his desk, glaring at her, not saying a word. She didn’t look perturbed at all by his demeanor however. She jumped right in, “have you noticed any odd behaviors with Silas Barneby in first year?” She asked. Taken aback, not having anticipated her question he took a moment to think back. The child had a fearful way about him. He always wore long sleeves but Severus had indeed seen a bruise or two. He had wondered if the older years had started bullying him already. He seemed a little immature for his age… he was snapped out of his thoughts when Sarah continued, “I just know something isn’t right there… I’m going to keep an eye on him and I ask that you do as well. Thank you.” And with that, she turned on her heel and walked out the door. Severus stared at the empty doorway left alone to his own thoughts. Why would an untrustworthy person constantly look out for at-risk children?
In the weeks that followed, Severus did indeed keep an eye on Silas. Of course she was right. Whenever Severus came near the child, he would shrink away from him, often fumbling with whatever instrument he was working with at the time or throwing something random into his cauldron. On more than one occasion, Severus realized that by standing too near to the child, he was causing the child to make dangerous mistakes with his potions, some of which leading to Severus needing to hastily banish the contents before an explosion could be caused. He knew children were afraid of him. He relished in it a lot of the time, as it made them behave in his space, however there was a difference between fear and terror. This child was terrified. Severus also noticed when the child was in other settings, he would flinch if he was approached too quickly, and didn’t eat much. He was far too anxious for a child that age. He acted like the whole world was on his shoulders.
One night, Severus was too buried in his own thoughts. He decided to go for a night walk around the castle. He would do these on occasion outside of his own patrol hours just to blow off steam. On this particular night, Severus was on the third floor when he heard a small whimper and whispering. He silently hurried towards the sounds, wondering if someone was hurt or if there were pranksters afoot. Rounding a corner, Severus came upon two figures that were dimly lit down the hall. The taller figure he was able to make out as Sarah. She was bent over a small lump on the floor. Severus silently moved closer. He could now see the small lump was indeed a child. He did not want to leave the child alone with Sarah just in case, so he made his presence known to her by walking a bit more purposely so she could hear his steps. She startled lightly glancing up at him but turning to look back at the child.
Severus was within hearing-range now. He could hear the little child crying. “Please don’t tell my dad. I don’t want to be sent home please! I just couldn’t sleep and went for a walk. I promise I won’t ever do it again! Honest!” Severus rolled his eyes at this. He had caught many a child out of bed after hours and they often tried the innocence act with him. He could see right through it. At that moment however, Sarah knealt down on the floor. She shifted to the side swinging her legs around so she could sit in front of the child cross legged. Severus observed the informal gesture with surprise. Softly, he could hear Sarah say “I know you won’t do it again, but why couldn’t you sleep?” The child sniffled and hung his head. “Nightmare” he sighed sadly. Sarah paused and looked at the child. “I have nightmares sometimes too. Sometimes I get really scared and I have to turn all the lights on in my room.” Severus could hear truth in her words. He remembered that she had said she learned Occlumency because she had nightmares. It was a very odd thing to teach a child though. He didn’t buy it. Yet, she had just admitted to the child that she suffered from nightmares.
Sarah continued, “what are you afraid of?” The little boy’s tears came faster then. “I’m afraid of the monster who comes in my room at night” he whispered. That made a chill go through Severus. Not a monster under the bed. A monster who comes into his room… “And what does the monster do when it comes in your room?” She asked softly. The little boy continued to whisper “he gets into bed with me and.. and…” he trailed off. Severus started to feel sick. Sarah continued “and this monster does this a lot?” Severus knew that she understood what the child was really telling them. “Not when I’m at school. Only when I’m home. When… when I’m home, da- the monster comes in every night…” They had both heard the little boy’s mistake. The boy was curled up as small as he could be at this point. As if he could shield himself by making himself the smallest target possible. Severus moved closer to the child. As he approached, he could make out the boy’s features. It was Silas. He should have known…
He crouched down too. Silas saw it was Severus and flinched away. Severus knew what he had to do. He needed to be a safe adult for this child. He had the power to help Silas. “Little one, I know about nightmares like these. I know other children who have had them. You don’t have to live this way you know?” He spoke softly. Silas looked up at him with big round eyes. Eyes that held too much pain for a child so young. “I know I seem big and scary, but I can help. I help children who suffer from these ‘monsters’ and I can make sure that the monsters stay away forever.” He finished softly. He reached out his hand with his palm facing upwards in an offering to the little boy. “Can you let me help you?” He asked quietly. The child looked from Sarah to Severus and back to Sarah again. Sarah nodded at Silas. Silas, who obviously had more trust in Sarah, took her nod as indication that Severus was telling the truth. He turned back to Severus and uttered a soft “okay” and took Severus’ hand.
—-
After speaking with the ministry and doing what he could, Severus made his way down to Sarah’s chambers. Enough was enough. He had held onto his anger for too long now. When he reached her door, he knocked and waited. Sarah opened the door. She was wearing her pajamas, Severus observed. She was wearing a classic muggle pair if red plaid pajama bottoms and an oversized navy T-Shirt with “I ❤️ NY” written across the front. She looked wary to see him there.
“I’ve spoken with the ministry. They will take care of Silas,” Severus said abruptly. Sarah gave a small sad smile and nodded. “I’m so glad” she answered. “Could I come in?” Severus asked. Sarah paused for a moment and then nodded as she stepped back and opened the door wider to allow for Severus to enter. Her rooms were similar to Severus’ but more colorful. There were flowers and plants everywhere they had a surface to rest upon. She had a plush forest green couch against the far wall, which was adorned with brightly coloured pillows and soft looking blankets. In front of the couch was a coffee table that was absolutely covered in papers and books. Now that he looked further, the chamber was quite cluttered. There were book shelves against every free bit of wall space, each overflowing with books. Severus walked further to the room towards one of the many book shelves. It had some of the most famous muggle works of literature in existence. Some looked very well worn. Well loved. Glancing back down on her coffee table, he could see a stack of graded papers, an open potions text, and a dog-eared copy of the Count of Monte Cristo haphazardly thrown on top of the paper pile. It was clear by the nest of blankets on the couch that she had settled there for the evening.
Severus glanced back up at Sarah who was standing in the middle of the room warily with her arms crossed over her chest. “Would you like some tea?” She asked. “Yes please” Severus replied. She went over to a small kitchenette that had been installed in the corner of her living room. Severus noted that she also liked to make her tea the muggle way. As she put the kettle on to boil she asked “What brings you here?”. Severus paused. He hadn’t fully thought this through. What did he really want to know? Finally he opened his mouth “I realized that you only offer information if you are asked. I figured I should probably ask…” he tapered off. “Hmm?” She looked up at him expectantly. “Why did you not write me?” He finally choked out. She took a step backwards looking surprised. Severus had not expected that reaction. She looked at her feet, something akin to shame appearing on her face. There was a pause and then she said, “you know I said I have nightmares…” Severus nodded. He had no idea where this was going. Sarah continued after another pause. “Well as an auror, I’ve seen some nightmare-worthy things that keep me up at night.” Severus knew in that moment that she was lying but she continued after taking a deep breath. “I know you wanted a visit or at least an owl but I was staying in a muggle neighborhood so I couldn’t really owl. I started having more nightmares when my mind wasn’t busy with all my teaching commitments. I was worried that the muggles might be able to tell I was odd. That maybe they would learn I was a witch and try to attack.” That was odd… Severus thought. That was the truth. Why would she share something that vulnerable? But still hide it within a lie… “I got sort of… stuck” she continued, “I became afraid to leave my house. It took everything in me to come back to the school in September. I think I sort of became agoraphobic?” She finished off. Her head was still bowed, eyes trained on her feet.
Severus realized in that moment that he had gotten it very wrong. He had manufactured a sinister reason for her not wanting to see him to soothe his own ego. Ashamed, he sat on a kitchen table and rested his arms on his knees. “I apologize” he said. She looked up at him startled. “What for?” She asked. Severus caught her eyes with his. “I misjudged you, and because of my own stubbornness, I didn’t think to ask how your summer was. I would have known far sooner. I was careless.” The kettle began to whistle and Sarah went to finish preparing the tea, she spoke as she poured the water into her teapot, “I should be the one who is sorry. I never did write. I told you that I would and I didn’t. I left you in the lurch for the whole summer. No wonder you didn’t want anything to do with me when I returned” she ended off with a tinge of bitterness in her voice.
It had all been a misunderstanding, Severus thought frustratedly to himself. He had wasted weeks back at school away from one of his only friends due to a miscommunication. He vowed not to let that happen again. He knew she was still hiding something but he could also tell that her intentions were also pure. Her shields were down and he could see that she was telling him as much as she comfortably could honestly. He respected that.
Sarah finally poured the steeped tea into two cups and brought them to the table, conjuring milk and sugar at the table for them both. Severus spotted a cribbage board on the edge of her kitchen table. He gave her a wry smile and slid the game towards them. A gesture of peace. She gave him a relieved smile back and nodded. He began to deal.