No Crying Allowed
Sirius stays quiet as his husband gently brushes through his hair, clearly crying.
He feels his head getting lighter and when Remus puts the brush down he sees the amount of hair on it, that he just lost.
Remus kisses his cheek. "How are you feeling?" They got the news about Sirius' lung cancer diagnosis two months ago, it hasn't been easy for them.
"Tired, headache, but not too bad today"
Remus nods and sits up from the bed taking the brush with him to throw the hair away. Sirius starts taking his clothes off and slips under the bed covers, Remus joining him not long after.
Sirius sees that Remus had wiped his tears away and was putting on a fake smile. He appreciated it.
Remus kisses his neck gently before wrapping himself around Sirius. "What time am I taking you up to hospital?"
"1pm" Sirius answers dryly, not wanting to think about it.
"Okay love, want to sleep?" Sirius nods his head and Remus turns off the lights forcing them into a deep sleep.
Remus was woken by Sirius coughing and running to the bathroom, he follows quickly after him and finds blood all over the sink.
He looks back to Sirius who was crying and trying to wipe his mouth. "I hate this Remus, so fucking much"
Remus washes the blood out of the sink and grabs toilet paper for Sirius, he wets it slightly dabbing it around his mouth.
He grabs a cup and fills it with water for Sirius. "It's okay love, I've got you"
They sit on the cold floor against the bathtub as Sirius drinks his water slowly. This wasn't a rare occurrence, and wasn't dangerous if he was under treatment which he was, just uncomfortable.
Once Sirius had calmed down, Remus lifted him up gently carrying him to bed.
——
The doctors had left Sirius' room after getting him comfortably in the bed with the wires and monitors.
Remus waited til they had left before walking from the sofa over to Sirius' bed. "Okay?"
Sirius nods slowly giving Remus a weak smile. "James and Lily want to visit you today, or whenever you're ready"
Sirius nods and reaches out his hand to hold Remus'. "They can come this evening, but I don't want Harry to come"
Remus frowns. "How come love?"
"Because I don't want him to remember me as the sick uncle, I can see him when we're home"
Remus nods and gives Sirius a smile, even though it was paining him to do so. They were lucky, and Sirius was able to have some weeks at hospital and some at home, if it doesn't get worse.
The hours go by with Remus sitting on Sirius' bed, talking about how things will be in the future. A nurse comes in with food for Sirius and Remus grabs a sandwhich from the vending machine.
And that's how it was every day. Remus would sometimes stay the night at the hospital if he had the day off from work and weekends, it was working for them.
But that didn't mean it was easy on Sirius.
"Can we shave my head?"
Remus looks up at Sirius from his armchair and nods. "Yeah, we can, now?"
Sirius sits on the toilet and Remus stands behind him with an electric razor. "Me or you?" Remus asks stroking Sirius' cheek.
"You" He mumbles, Remus notices how upset he is.
Remus grabs a brush and brushes through his hair gently first, getting out the last few loose hairs.
He turns the electric razor on and holds Sirius' forehead before slowly shaving the hair away. Sirius watches as the hair fell to the ground and he felt miserable.
Remus stops half way and wipes Sirius' tears away. "I know this is hard love, but you're so strong okay? I love you" He says kissing him gently.
Sirius nods and takes a breath before Remus continues letting the last of his hair fall onto the ground.
He brings a hand slowly up to his head and looks in the mirror. "I'm hideous"
Remus dares to let out a small laugh. "I think you're just as stunning as before"
Sirius shakes his head slowly before standing up letting Remus pull him into a hug. They stay like that for awhile and Sirius notices the tear marks on Remus' shirt.
"My turn now"
Sirius looks confused at Remus as he sits on the toilet handing Sirius the razor. "Come on"
Sirius shakes his head and Remus rolls his eyes. "I want to do it Sirius, for you, please"
Sirius takes the razor shaking lightly and shaves Remus' curly hair off. Once done Remus faces him and kisses him gently.
"There we go, they won't know which of us is the patient now"
Sirius just laughs at his husband, he's deep in love.
——
A knock on the door wakes Sirius up from a nap, Remus walks over to the door and opens it letting James and Lily in.
"Hi love" Lily says straight away and rushes over to Sirius in bed with a beanie matching Remus. "Is the food here edible? If not I'll bri-"
Sirius puts a gentle hand on Lily's arm, making her stop. "Right sorry darling" She says wiping a tear laughing. "Are you okay here?"
Sirius doesn't answer, just opens his arms and a crying Lily falls straight into them. "I'm doing good, Remus here is an angel"
Remus smiles at him and continues his conversation with James. "Oh I'm glad to hear, we love you so much Sirius"
"It sounds like you're saying your last goodbyes to me Lils, tell me how Harry and everyone is, James come here"
They sit on Sirius' bed, Remus lay next to him, and James and Lily sat on either side of the bed.
"Harry is doing great, loving kindergarten, Marlene and Dorcas moved in recently in their new house and Peter's adopted a cat!"
Sirius laughs, he always thought Peter was more of a dog person.
They chat for what felt like hours before they sadly had to leave, only one visitor allowed to stay the night.
"Re can you grab me a pen and paper from that draw?"
Remus doesn't question it and grabs him the pen and paper putting it on his bed. Sirius grabs a hard book and starts writing on it.
"Is there any blue tac or tape in there or something?"
Remus takes another look and hands him the blue tac, with again no questions.
He watches curiously as Sirius starts sticking on blue tac and sitting up and sticking the paper on the wall.
No crying allowed, please.
Remus laughs at the paper, and walks over to Sirius. "Did too many of Lily's tears stain your bed?"
Sirius laughs, "I guess, I just don't want people feeling sorry for me, so no crying."
But Sirius wasn't getting any better, in the span of a year it had only gotten worse. Every day Remus was reminded of the only rule Sirius had in his room, no crying.
But every night when Remus would curl up on the sofa-bed he would cry himself to sleep every night thinking about Sirius, he couldn't help it.
He knew that Sirius knew, but they didn't speak about it.
Until a year after that and they were saying their goodbye's.
Remus was the last in his room, Lily, James, Peter, Mary, Marlene and Dorcas had finished their goodbyes and were waiting outside for Remus.
"Remus please"
Remus shakes his head on the sofa, tears streaming like never before, face red and breathing off, he couldn't survive without Sirius.
"You have to let me go"
Remus stands up from the sofa and walks towards Sirius. "But what about me? These past two years have been about you I just need a moment to process that once I leave this room I won't ever see you again"
Sirius doesn't dare to speak.
"I can't live without you don't you understand that?!" He shouts, but it doesn't scare Sirius, he just opens his arms and Remus collapses into them.
"Read what it says above my bed"
By now that wall has been covered in all sorts of different posters and pictures, but Remus knew the one he was referring to.
No crying allowed, please.
Remus puts his head back on Sirius' chest. Sirius finds Remus' hand and holds it in his and they hug eachother in silence, taking in the last minutes together.
Sirius starts coughing and Remus gets off him straight away to let him breathe. "I can't believe I'm 27 and dying"
Remus shakes his head and leans on Sirius' shoulder. "I don't know what I'm going to do without you Sirius, tonight, tomorrow, and every day after that knowing your gone"
Sirius stays silent and leans over to grab a pen and pencil. "I'm writing down everything I want you to do before you die, hopefully of old age." Remus doesn't speak as Sirius writes a long list.
Remus' bucket list
-by Sirius
1. Get a pet (preferably a puppy)
2. Go to the Potter's for dinner at least once a week
3. Have a one night stand
4. Finish your teachers degree and become Harry's teacher
5. Get a tattoo
6. If you ever have kids, please tell them about me
7. Go skydiving
8. Commit to that 11 book series for me
9. When you visit my grave, tell me stories I'll listen
10. Get in contact with your father again
Sirius hands the list over to Remus and he takes it with shaking hands looking over it. He nods slowly wiping his tears.
"Yeah, yeah I'll do this for you"
Sirius shakes his head. "Do it for yourself, I want you to have a good life, even if it's not with me."
Remus nods and hugs Sirius again, crying into his shirt, and when he pulls away Sirius was crying to.
"I'm going to miss you Remus, so much"
Remus just cries staring into Sirius' soft grey eyes a last time. "I love you Sirius, too much"
When Remus leaves the room, hearing the click of the door closing behind him, he comes to the realisation that that was it. Sirius was gone.
His body doesn't wait a second longer before it collapses onto the hospital floor, James holding him.
He screams into James' chest, cries and swears. But James doesn't question it, he just holds Remus until he was done.
That was the last thing Sirius heard before the nurses slowed down his heart, giving him a peaceful death, a muffled sound of Remus screaming in pain over his death.
——
Sirius Lupin-Black
The bravest man I ever knew, and the greatest husband. If only we had more time.
1988-2015