Who Are We to Fight the Alchemy?
Bang. Bang. Bang.
Regulus shoves his pillow over his face and groans. He’d hexed the curtains to blackout the light completely, and he’d been fine here in the dark for the past few days. Sulking.
“Go away Barty,” he calls towards the banging at his bedroom door.
“Not a chance, Reggie,” Barty calls back. “Let me in.”
Regulus huffs and groggily gets off the bed. He opens his door to Barty, whiskey bottle in hand, cheeky grin on his face. “War’s over and you don’t even come to celebrate with us?” He pushes his way past Regulus and into the room, plopping himself down on the bed. He relaxes against the headboard, hands behind his head and props one foot on top of the other. “We’re free.”
Scoffing, Regulus rolls his eyes at Barty. He’d hardly call their predicament after the war “free”. Sure, Voldemort was gone, but they’d still helped him rise to power and they surely would have to face those sins at some point. It was easier to hide, and pretend he could disappear into oblivion. Maybe if he fell into obscurity like Voldemort or just disappeared off the face of the earth he could escape the torment over the things he’d done.
“I’m just glad it’s over,” says Regulus.
“‘Me too, mate,” replies Barty, brushing a hand through his wavy brown hair. Of course, Barty’s sins were heavier than Regulus’. He’d been Voldemort's right hand for so long, the man sitting next to him had committed so many atrocities that the deaths surrounding him didn’t even seem to register anymore.
“Are you ok?” Asks Regulus. Barty just shrugs. “I suppose we won’t know what it means for us until the aurors are finished investigating.”
“Yup,” Barty opens his whiskey and takes a drink. He hands it off to Regulus.
“What happened, with the locket?” Regulus asks. “Were you with him?” Barty stares forward at the wall opposite Regulus’ bed.
“We were at Malfoy Manor. All of the top Death Eaters. And Voldemort. I assume they got it back to the Order and destroyed it, because all of a sudden he just … fell.” Barty takes another drink. “When he got back up he was full of so much rage. He killed Avery and Mulciber almost immediately. No one else really knew what was happening and then the Aurors were there.”
“And- .”
“Yeah,” laughs Barty. “Sirius too in all his glory. And James. They were both there with the other aurors. They took us all down so fast.” Thankfully for Barty, Evan and Regulus, they’d been able to get out of Azkaban quickly awaiting trial. Others weren’t so lucky. “Voldemort was just gone then. They hit him with a curse and everyone was shouting that he was dead and then they took him to St. Mungo’s. But no one knows where he is now.”
“Do you think he’s really gone?”
“I don’t feel him through the mark like I used to,” Barty looks down at his Dark Mark, faded but still there.
“How does the most wanted wizard in Britain just disappear? Especially if he’s dead?” Regulus asks, voice barely above a whisper.
“I don’t know, maybe someone took the body,” Barty suggests.
“Yeah, maybe.” Regulus grabs the bottle from Barty and takes a big swig.
“Regulus?”
“Yeah.”
“Did Sirius and James really leave you at that cave?”
“Yeah.”
“How could they do that?” Barty asks turning to look at Regulus.
“I don’t think they saw it like that,” Regulus says running a hand down his face. He sighs, looking over at Barty. “I thought if I could just fix it-“
“You don’t have to keep making excuses for the choices of others, Reg,” Barty interrupts. “They chose to leave, you didn’t do anything to make them do it. You never did.”
Regulus shakes his head, and laughs. He grabs the bottle again finishing it off. Leaning his head back against the headboard, he lets the tears fall, unashamed to feel in front of Barty.
“You were brave, Reg, for going there alone and for trying to end it,” Barty says. “You were so brave.”
*****
Once again Regulus finds himself cranky and groggy at the breakfast table, Kreacher trying his hardest to take care of him.
“Master really needs to eat something,” Kreacher prods, pushing a plate of eggs and sausage in front of Regulus.
“I don’t have an appetite,” Regulus grumbles. He’d been woken by nightmares again during the night (both his own and Draco’s), and now that they’d been happening for a solid few weeks, the lack of sleep was beginning to take a toll. His body felt numb and weighed down. He was burdened by not only the memories of his past, but by his future with Draco and his inability to help the boy cope with his surroundings. “I don’t know how to make this transition easier on him, Kreacher. How can I help him?”
“Perhaps, he just needs to be reminded of the life he had before?” Kreacher suggests, looking pointedly at Regulus. “He needs to feel normal.”
“Yeah,” Regulus gulps down his black coffee, looking up at Kreacher. “How do I do that?” He pleads.
“Maybe he needs some friends his own age. Isn’t today the day he was wanting to see his new friend at the park? Take him.” Regulus groans. “Take him, Master.”
“You’re right, Kreacher,” Regulus stands collecting himself. “He’s been asking every day. I’ll take him.”
“Very good,” Kreacher ushers Regulus out of the kitchen, but pauses. “Does he know about the circumstances surrounding the Malfoy’s deaths?”
“No,” snaps Regulus. Kreacher shrinks back. “Sorry. No, he doesn’t. And he can’t, not yet.”
“Very well master, but, you know better than anyone hiding from your past does more harm than good.” Regulus nods his head in agreement.
After struggling to feed and dress an over-enthusiastic five year old, Regulus finally manages to get Draco out of the house and
to the park at the designated meeting time. Draco, hopeful that his friend Howie will be there like he said he would, bounces ahead excitedly. Regulus, however, hopes that they won’t have to interact with any new friends and begrudgingly follows in Draco’s path. Walking through the park, Regulus keeps his head down. The crowd is large at the park today and he can’t bring himself to look at the faces passing them. Can’t bring himself to see who might be looking back at him. He’s keeping his eyes focused on Draco’s skipping feet, not willing to risk letting him out of his sight too far. As they move through the park, Draco suddenly yells out, “it’s Howie!” Regulus braces himself for interaction with strangers who more than likely already know all about him. Fearing the worst and preparing for staring and cruel remarks he follows Draco to the pair greeting him.
Eyes to the ground he sees the shoes first. Red converse, one propped up on the toe, crossed over in front of the other. A tanned knee is sticking out of a hole in the person's ripped jeans and a flannel flows over their muscular arms and shoulders. Regulus looks up and realizes he’s staring directly at the sun.
James.
Regulus takes a deep breath, as he looks into the dark eyes of the man standing before him. James standing before him. Grinning. No, not exactly grinning, but smirking. His white teeth shine as he smiles dow at Regulus, the ghost of a laugh playing on his face.
“Regulus,” James says, voice deep and joyful.
“Potter,” Regulus says, a little out of breath, regretfully.
Draco is already grabbing onto the hand of the young boy standing close to James’ side, and dragging him off to play. The boys run off laughing, chasing each other through the park.
“I’m glad Harry was able to find a friend his own age to play with,” James says, running a hand through his messy hair. “He’s been talking about it non-stop.”
“Harry,” Regulus sighs out, realization dawning at him over Draco’s clear mispronunciation.
“Yeah,” says James. “He’s mine, but I didn’t realize you had any kids?” James looks at him questioningly.
“Oh, yeah,” Regulus feels his cheeks heat, realizing that he’s standing here having a conversation with James about having children. “Draco is Narcissa’s son, and when she and Lucius passed I took custody.”
“Regulus, I’m so sorry I didn’t know,” James shakes his head, hand on the back of his neck. “Sirius didn’t mention anything.”
“Well he probably wouldn’t, would he?” Regulus looks down at his feet. James reaches out and puts his hand on Regulus’ shoulder. His skin warms instantly, even through his shirt, and Regulus can’t breathe.
****
Regulus gasps for breath as Sirius sets him on the firm ground outside of the cave. He coughs, and it burns coming up his throat like a thousand hands clawing at his neck. He is laying in his stomach, but slowly pushes himself up to his knees. Head bowed he takes in deep gulping breaths of air and finally looks up at the faces of Sirius and James, both drenched and dripping with lake water.
“How did you find me?” Regulus rasps. “You shouldn’t be here. It isn’t safe.”
“Safe!?” Sirius roars. “You think, you coming here alone to do this, was safe? Why didn’t you tell us what you found? We could have been helping you!”
“Voldemort-,” Regulus stops due to the pain of talking causing him to buckle, hands slamming into the rough ground. James, immediately at his side, rubs his back and helps him get upright. “Voldemort has ears and eyes everywhere. It was too risky.”
“We could have helped,” says James, still rubbing circles on Regulus’ back.
“No, it was better this way for you and Li-“ Regulus stops again, this time it’s the stabbing pain in his heart causing him to pause. “For you and your family.” Regulus rises up on his knees, and holds out a hand. He lets the locket fall out of it, still holding the chain so it dangles in front of him.
James stands and starts pacing back and forth. Sirius grins and laughs, “You got it! Reggie you brilliant boy.”
“Yeah, so let’s go end this thing,” Regulus smiles up at Sirius.
“I think it would be better if we went, and you stayed,” Regulus looks over at James who’s finally stopped his pacing. He’s standing still with his hands on the back of his head, elbows out to the side. “I don’t know that you’d be well received. We will tell them what you did, destroy it, and then we’ll come get you from Grimmauld.”
Sirius moves to take the locket out of Regulus’ hands, but Regulus pulls back clutching it close to his chest. “Come on, Reggie,” Sirius coaxes.
“You’ll come back for me?” Regulus asks. “You’ll come to Grimmauld?”
“Course,” Sirius reaches for the locket. “You can apparate yourself out of here?”
Regulus nods, “I did this all for you.” He drops the locket into Sirius’ open palm. He looks up at James. “Both of you.”
James looks down as Sirius walks to him. They apparate away. After the loud crack of apparition, the cliff is eerily silent. Regulus sits for a moment, looking around at the hazy mist. A chill from the water is in the air, and Regulus’ damp clothing clings to him, making him shiver. When he finally feels like he’s strong enough he stands, and apparates away back to his home.
****
“Regulus?” James asks, gripping his shoulder tighter. “Are you ok?”
Regulus shakes his head, and finds himself once again looking straight into James’ sparkling eyes. They crinkle as he smiles at him, exuding joy.
“Yeah,” Regulus sighs, a little breathless. “Yeah I’m ok.”
James smiles as Harry runs up to him grabbing onto his leg, asking him for a drink of water. James leans down handing him a cup and rubbing his back as he takes a sip. Watching him interact with his boy burns a hole through Regulus’ chest. Fire deep and raging lighting it’s way through his body. His James. Seeing him like this brings a flood of emotion that Regulus didn’t even know still existed.
James roses as Harry runs back to play. He turns back to Regulus, once again running a hand through his wildly messy hair, and says “It really is so great to see you Regulus.”
Regulus smiles in spite of himself and though he’s still finding it a little hard to breathe he can’t take his eyes off of the man standing before him. Warmth spreads, erasing the bitter cold that his heart felt towards James for so long. His anger and hurt so easily forgotten with something as simple as a smirk sent his way. Regulus shakes it off. He cannot get attached. Not again.
Draco runs by, and Regulus reaches out to grab him.
“We have to be going,” he says, grabbing Draco by the hand. “We’re late, for a..” He looks down at Draco. “Thing. And we really just have to get back. Now.” Draco looks up confused.
“What thing Uncle Reggie?”
“The social event thing,” regulus squeezes Draco’s hand. “Let’s go.”
“I want to keep playing,” Draco whines.
“I’m sure we can plan another play date champ!” James jumps in. “Right?” He looks directly into Regulus’ eyes. Regulus looks down.
“Yeah, sure, maybe,” Regulus stumbles. “Bye.” He half drags Draco out of the park and regrets his rash decision to leave as he watches him stomp and rant all the way home.
After getting Draco settled in his bedroom for some rest time (not that Draco’s going to do much resting he’s sure), Regulus plops down onto his bed. The dust flies up as he lands and he runs his hands down over his face. He’s conflicted. Seeing James after so many years was both amazing and terrifying. He looked fit. He always did but there was something about the way he glowed even in the barely there sunlight that was different. Maybe it was the distance. At the same time though, seeing him again and thinking of their last moments together also makes Regulus want to hurl. He definitely can’t see him again. No more play dates. No more meetings at the park. The chasm within his chest has been cracked open and there is absolutely no way that Regulus can allow any of James’ light to seep into it. Absolutely not. Draco will understand. Maybe they can just move; Draco will find new friends.
Regulus looks up to an owl tapping on his bedroom window. It cocks its head to the side waiting to be let in. Regulus makes his way to the window, allowing the bird inside. It perches on the window sill holding out a leg. Regulus pats its head, grabbing for an owl treat before taking the letter attached to its leg and letting it fly away. He looks down at the red envelope, eyes scrunching in confusion, and opens it:
It was great seeing you today. Let’s do it again soon.
-J
Regulus sighs before sitting down to pen his response. That, of course, they should do it again sometime.