jegulus interlude
regulus loves sleep, it's essentially like being dead for ten hours, no thoughts, no feelings, no pressures of being alive. which is why he frowns as soon as he wakes up, not even accounting for the unfamiliar room. he shifts around a bit before catching sight of the colors of the walls, which are a muted blue, unlike the dark gray of his at home. be shoots up and rushes out of the bed that isn't his. he runs out of the room and down the hallway, backtracking only when he sees a picture of james when he had to have been in their first year hanging on the wall. the one next to it displays his brother, james and james’ parents huddled together in christmas sweaters.
sirius. sirius is here.
he flies down the stairs only to see euphemia potter walking to meet him.
“oh dear, how did you sleep?”
“where's sirius? I need to go home.”
then he sees his brother, who grabs him and hugs him so fiercely he can't even get his sentence out. instinctively, his arms go up to cradle around sirius before he moves them back down.
“sirius I need to go home, they're gonna kill me I can't be here, sirius I have to go.”
“reggie, regulus you're okay, it's okay.”
he doesn't remember how he got here, and he doesn't know if they'll let him go back home. for the first time in his life, regulus really wants to go home. he looks at the warm tones of the house, such a striking contrast from the grays at grimmauld place. out of the corner of his eye he sees james standing awkwardly by his mother. he wrestles himself out of sirius’ grip and points a finger at james.
“you did this, didn't you? james I fucking told you I can't be here, we don't work james, and now”- he takes a shaky breath and blinks away the tears in his eyes at the look on james’ face- “they're gonna fucking kill me, I told you this couldn't happen james! why didn't you just listen to me?”
“regulus I wouldn't do that, we didn't bring you here. reg-”
regulus doesn't hear the rest as he fumbles with the locks on the doors, wincing as his feet touch the cold ground. it's snowing lightly, and regulus realizes he can't even find his wand. fuck it, he'll walk home.
he doesn't need to guess who the pair of arms that wrap around him and pull him up off the ground and back into the house are. he winces as his cold feet touch the floor, and the light flurries of snow from outside melt on his arms.
“this isn't- this isn't my fault james.”
“I know reg, you didn't do anything wrong.”
james’ face is that stupid concerned one he always gave whenever regulus mentioned something about his family or sirius. all his emotions he shoved down after he broke up with james come bubbling up to the surface. he wants the feelings he felt around james back. he wants james back. the tears start to build up and he doesn't go to wipe them away.
“yes I did, yes I did, james.”
he's full on sobbing at this point, and he wraps his arms around james’ neck.
“i'm sorry james.”
“no, no, you're okay regulus, you're safe.”
he knows sirius is confused, and he wants to explain but there's no energy left in him. euphemia and monty are both witnessing his full melt down, and he wipes away his tears quickly, only for more to come and run down his face. he looks back at sirius and james' parent's before walking back up the stairs and turning to the room he had woke up in. down the hall he hears james, calling out to him.
“reggie.”
james follows him into the room and sits on the bed next to him.
“i'm sorry.”
“it's not your fault.”
“it's not yours either reg.”
there was so much to say, so much to apologize for, so instead regulus says none of it at all.
“can we go to bed?”
wordlessly, james pulls back the covers and regulus crawls under them, making his way to where james is laying. he needs to make some sort of amends or else he won't be able to fall asleep.
“I lied. it was enough that you loved me and i'm sorry I never said that.”
he presses against regulus and brushes a light kiss onto his neck.
“we have the rest of the day to talk about it. sleep, i'll be here when you wake up.”
next to james, regulus falls asleep almost instantly.
____________
james was indeed next to regulus when he woke up, and he was already back in the habit of reaching out for him as soon as we woke up. james said it made him look like a cat stretching, which regulus would swear up and down did not.
“james?”
“yes?”
“I need to go talk to sirius.”
james smiles and plants a soft kiss on regulus’ forehead.
“go. call me if you need me.”
regulus slips out of bed and stares at his feet until he's at the last step. he sees sirius sitting on the couch and he smiles weakly. sometimes just looking sirius made regulus want to shut himself away and sleep for a very long time. looking at sirius was like looking at a cracked, distorted mirror. sirius was everything he could have been. sometime, somewhere, when they began to develop morals and personality, there was some ultimate decision made to have sirius come out victorious in the end. he could stand up for himself, he could follow his own thoughts, he got away.
regulus was never that. never brave or able to speak back to their parents or resilient. he obliged, he was the one who stayed, he was the one who had to practice what he would say to his wife in three years. he lived the lie, sirius was nothing but honest to himself and the world. regulus couldn't even be honest to himself, let alone the people he loved. and sirius was the reflection of that.
“how'd you get here?”
“I think pandora and evan drugged me.”
the silence that follows is thick, until sirius lets out a tiny snort and regulus giggles until they're both bursting into laughter. it feels surprisingly natural, given they hadn't had a pleasant conversation in the past almost 3 years. when the laughter finishes, sirius looks like he doesn't know what to say.
“are you going to stay here?”
he looks hopeful, gray eyes shining.
“do you want me here?”
“i'll always want you here.”
“would james’ parents be okay with it?”
“they're practically saints, now they'll have collected both of us.”
“ok.”
the weight of 3 years is crushing regulus, there's so much he's thought of saying in a moment like this and yet none of it makes it out of his mouth. are you still the same sirius I knew? is your favorite color still green? do you know if you asked me one more time I would have gone with you that day? do you know I still think about you everyday? do you ever think about me?
“I missed you.”
regulus starts crying and sirius walks over to hug him. it's not natural, too many bones and limbs unfamiliar to each other that they have to maneuver around, but it still feels just like it did when regulus was a child. it's like standing in the sun after winter, it's like coming home and knowing you're loved. he sobs for long enough to wake up on the couch at least 2 hours later.
sirius sits on the other couch between effy and monty, and he recognizes the feel of his head in james’ lap.
“hello regulus dear, I hope you slept well” effie says from across of regulus.
he jumps up, mildly upset james let his first formal impression from his parents be just waking up from falling asleep on their son. well technically sirius, but still. they look less worried than when regulus showed, he knows he certainly wouldn't be able to hide his face of…. concern? maybe they had practice with sirius.
“I feel better.”
“good, are you hungry?”
he was fucking starving.
“a bit.”
monty chimes in from sirius’ right.
“there's plenty of food in the kitchen, if you'd like.”
“i'll eat something in a bit.”
effy starts again and looks genuinely hopeful.
“regulus, if you want to, we're inviting you to stay with us. there's more than enough room and we'd love to have you.”
regulus would fantasize about this moment often when sirius left, about what'd it'd be like to have gone with him. but in this moment, all he can think about is saying no. if he's being honest, he thought about what barty said during their argument in september too much. this is probably what he meant.
“I think that- I think that'd be nice. thank you.”
“don't thank us regulus, we're happy to have you.”
regulus wants to cry. after all those years of thinking what it would be like for this moment, he never thought it would be so easy. he thought maybe inside his head he'd have to keep justifying why he'd want to leave home. not that his house was anything regulus would assume was a home, it was just all he had ever known and couldn't fully equate the happiness he was sure to feel moving toward.
dinner went fine, it was so much better than the bland and tasteful food at grimmauld place regulus’ mother adores. he even gets to try hot chocolate. he thinks it's the best thing ever created. james laughs when he gets foam on his upper lip and kisses it off when sirius turns away.
once the three of them finished their hot chocolates, sirius said he was going to bed. regulus felt a bit more energized than usual as he had slept half the day, but he hauls james up to go upstairs too. james claims he's going to wash dishes and leaves sirius and regulus to walk upstairs together.
“um, i'll see you tomorrow.”
sirius hugs him and regulus lets himself hug his brother back.
“I love you reggie.”
“love you too.”
it was like the swords had finally been pulled out of his back after all those years of bleeding out slowly. sirius goes to his room and regulus walks into james’. he stares at the walls, some faded posters and a night light plugged into an outlet. it's an angel in translucent plastic and it's an odd placement for the atmosphere of the room, regulus will have to ask james about why he still has it when be comes up. before he's about to climb into bed, he catches a glance of crumpled paper on james’ desk. curiosity beating him, he goes over and flattens out one of them.
estrea,
i'm sorry that I pushed too hard for something you told me I couldn't have. you mean so much to me and all I want is for you to be happy. do you think we could do that again? could we be happy together again? it doesn't have to be forever, but it doesn't have to completely stop.
anyway, i'm rambling. please write me back.
he barely even processes the last sentence as he goes to uncrumple another one.
reg,
this is my second attempt at writing, if it goes through please don't go radio silent. I know you get in your head a lot, but don't just sleep this one through. I want you to hear me, I want to see you soon. I miss you. how childish of me. wanna fall asleep next to you again.
I want to hear from you.
another and another.
baby,
i'm losin' my fuckin' mind. I want to kiss you again. again and again and again. i'm sorry, i'm sorry for everything. it's all my fault, just tell me that and forgive me. i'm sorry. all this shit is eating up at me. send me a letter about how much you hate me if it means you'll write me back.
he puts the letter down and gets under james’ unmade covers, not surprised the bed wasn't made. as he lays down, james comes into the room, immediately going into depth about how he almost broke a mug after hearing the floor creak. he walks over, gets into bed and lays by regulus as he finishes his story.
“james?”
“yeah?”
“I love you.”
a light kiss.
“I love you too.”
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