Regulus’ Guide to Nervousness
September 1982
James glanced contentedly at Remus, who was sprawled on James’ bed. He had come by to talk to Sirius but was disappointed to find the dark-haired boy wasn’t home. Sirius had gone into town to send out a slew of invitations for the big Halloween party they were planning. James had welcomed Remus with open arms and chocolate, so now they were sitting on his bed, chatting—or rather, they had been chatting until the room had fallen quiet. The dim light of the streetlamps seeped through the half-open curtains, and the only sound was the soft hum of a radio playing an old jazz tune.
Remus had tucked his legs under himself and was staring out the window, while James sat on the other side, his thoughts clearly far away. They had been friends since forever, but there was something tugging at James lately—something he had been avoiding asking about but which felt increasingly necessary.
It was as if Remus were in another dimension. He just sat there, gazing out the window, and James recognized that look: he was thinking about Sirius.
James smiled sadly. Would Remus ever muster the courage to tell Sirius? James doubted it. To spare Remus from dwelling on thoughts of their mutual friend, James began formulating his plan to ask Remus for advice.
Remus was clever. Not in a “I-can-solve-any-algebra-problem” way, but more like “Did-you-know-the-Siberian-dwarf-hamster-is-the-fastest-reproducing-mammal” clever. He knew so much about so many different things! It was astonishing how much random knowledge was stored in his brain. Need to know about Japan’s train system? Just ask Remus! What about the percentage of the global population that drowns in their bathtubs? Remus would know! There was hardly a topic he couldn’t speak on, and if he didn’t have the answer right away, he’d have it the next time you saw him. He was a living encyclopedia, and James planned to put that to good use. Straightening his back, adjusting his clothes, James looked over at Remus with a smile, even as the latter continued to stare out the window.
"You know, it’s strange how you can have so much on your mind and yet sit here without really getting anywhere," James said with a small smile.
Remus nodded, though his gaze flickered briefly, as if he weren’t entirely present.
"Yeah," James said after a pause during which Remus still didn’t respond. "Actually, I’ve been thinking about something." He turned to face Remus. "What do you know about Regulus Black? Like… his interests?" He made a quick gesture with his hand, trying to make the conversation seem less awkward. "Specifically anything about paintings. Has he ever mentioned one he really likes?" James asked quickly, and Remus let out a deep sigh. Finally, he tore his gaze away from the window to look at James.
“James, whatever you’re scheming, it’s not going to work. I don’t know any more about him than you do. I only know what you and Sirius have told me.”
James nodded. He had expected this, but it was a start. Remus didn’t know more than he did, and James had anticipated that, but it wasn’t really what he was after. This was just his way of bringing up Regulus in conversation. If Remus just let him talk, they’d get to the point in about 30 seconds.
29 seconds, 28 seconds, 27 seconds—
“When is Sirius coming home?” Remus asked, changing the subject to James’ disappointment. Would he ever manage to talk to Remus without Sirius being mentioned? James wanted to discuss Regulus without Sirius coming up; otherwise, guilt would set in.
“I don’t know,” James sighed. “He went into town to send out the Halloween invitations, but I think he was going to drop by Mary and Marlene’s afterwards. I’m not sure how long it’ll take, but you know Pads—it’ll take forever.” James finished with an apologetic smile at Remus. “Anyway—”
“How’s Mary doing, by the way? I hardly see her! Almost only when you hold concerts or we all gather at my place. I guess I just forget to talk to her when she’s there.” Remus seemed to be talking more to himself, but James felt obliged to answer.
“Oh, she’s doing well. She just spent a ridiculous amount of money on a new keyboard, but other than that, everything’s the same,” James replied, trying to steer the conversation back to his preferred topic when Remus asked again: “Oh, did she need a new one?”
What was wrong with him? For once, when James wanted help with something, Remus had to chatter like his life depended on it. The worst part was that Remus wasn’t even asking important questions. They were the most trivial things, and James was on the verge of throttling him out of sheer frustration. James wasn’t usually an irritable person, but when it came to Regulus, he had zero patience. He needed answers like a baby demanding attention, and if Remus didn’t give them to him soon, he’d lose it! James took a deep breath and looked up at Remus with a strained half-smile.
“No, her old one was fine, but the new one is much better, so the upcoming concert is going to be amazing!” James tried to sound optimistic, but something inside him just couldn’t. Every fiber of his being screamed to ask Remus about Regulus, but judging by the meaningless things Remus was asking, James guessed he didn’t have the energy for a deep topic.
What mattered most to James was that Remus was comfortable with whatever they were talking about. His own needs could wait. If only Remus were happy, James could pretend to be too. With those thoughts, James forced a smile and looked back at Remus, only to find him already staring.
“Well, are you hung—” James began, but Remus quickly cut him off.
“James, don’t even start with that nonsense.”
James looked down at his hands, playing dumb as best he could.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Remus. I was just wondering if you wanted something to eat.” James was fully aware that Remus had caught his weak moment, seen his hesitation and fading smile. That was the downside of having a friend as observant as Remus: you couldn’t hide anything from him for long.
“I can see something’s bothering you, and don’t think for a second that I wouldn’t help you, James. I’m your friend, remember that.” Remus’ tone softened, taking on a lighter pitch that made him seem entirely different. Most people looked at him and thought tough, but that wasn’t Remus at all. When you knew him, you also knew he carried years of trauma, which made him appear… tough. But the truth was that Remus John Lupin was a soft man. A soft man with a deep love for his friends. Loyal was the word James would use to describe him.
“Moony, it’s okay. I… I wanted to ask you something, but I get it if you’d rather stick to light topics,” James said quietly. “Topics like Mary’s keyboard,” he added, bitterness creeping into his voice.
Remus sighed in exasperation. “James, I wasn’t trying to cut you off—just creating a light conversation so it wouldn’t be dead silent again. Ask whatever you need to ask!”
James hesitated. Now he was sure Remus wouldn’t mind, but was it too much to ask? He couldn’t just ask his question outright without sounding like a complete stalker. Perhaps he could try to frame it differently. Yes, if he did that, Remus wouldn’t immediately figure out what this was all about. Taking a deep breath, James finally asked.
“What do you know about… Patroclus and Achilles? Specifically the painting Achilles Lamenting the Death of Patroclus? I… I really need answers.” James spoke humbly. He didn’t want to impose on Remus but also desperately needed answers. It was about Regulus, after all.
Remus went quiet, looking slightly puzzled at James. “I don’t know much about the painting itself, but I know quite a bit about Achilles and Patroclus. They’re two figures from Greek mythology who are central to the Iliad. Achilles was the greatest warrior in the Greek army during the Trojan War. He was the son of the nymph Thetis and King Peleus, famous for his near-invincible strength and skill in battle,” Remus paused briefly, glancing at James as if to make sure he was still interested.
“Patroclus was the son of Menoetius, a warrior and leader in Phthia, a region in ancient Greece. As a child, he accidentally killed another boy during a game, which led to his exile from his homeland. He sought refuge with Peleus, Achilles’ father, and was raised alongside Achilles.” Remus looked back at James again.
“When did you become so interested in Greek mythology? Are you sure you want me to continue?” Remus asked with great curiosity in his voice, clearly astonished by James’ sudden interest in the two Greek heroes.
“Yes, yes, just keep going! What was their connection? Were they friends?” James asked eagerly, seizing this opportunity to delve into Regulus’ world. Lucy had said it was his favourite painting, so James wanted to know everything about it!
Remus sighed. “Achilles and Patroclus are one of the most moving and complex relationships in Greek mythology. Their bond evolves from childhood into adulthood and plays a pivotal role in the Trojan War. They were... close. Their connection was so intense and magnificent that no one else could compare. They weren’t just lovers; they were soulmates, and their love was both a driving force in the horrors of war and a tragic, inevitable fate that led to their shared downfall. Their bond was unshakeable, and their love stands as an unforgettable symbol of ultimate devotion and sacrifice,” Remus concluded quietly, his voice trailing off.
James’s mind seized up.
It stopped working, and everything went black.
Black.
Lovers: they were lovers.
Two boys.
Boys.
Men.
Gay men.
Regulus, who came from a deeply disdainful home where homosexuality was strictly forbidden and looked down upon, loved a painting about two gay men. It didn’t make sense in James’s head. Sure, he had wondered how Regulus managed to accept Dorcas and Marlene’s relationship, but he’d assumed it was because Dorcas was his friend. James thought Regulus simply tolerated it. That Regulus would actively seek out and love a painting about a gay couple? It was surreal to James. It didn’t make sense! What did it mean? What did it mean for them? For James and Regulus?
James shook his head, trying to refocus.
“Did you just say lovers? As in, they were together? Tell me about his death!” James was enthralled. He wanted to know everything about this painting and planned to use every detail to analyse Regulus’s behaviour.
“Yes, they were lovers—or their relationship has often been interpreted romantically and emotionally. Many see their bond as an expression of a deep love that goes beyond friendship, though nothing is certain. During the Trojan War, after Achilles withdrew from battle, Patroclus fought in his place and was killed by Hector. Achilles, filled with grief and rage, avenged Patroclus by killing Hector. His sorrow was profound, a clear manifestation of his intense love for Patroclus. Achilles ultimately met his end on the battlefield, and they were buried together,” Remus said, his voice distant, as though he weren’t fully present but instead lost in ancient Greece.
No matter how much James wanted to ask Remus how he knew all this, he couldn’t focus on anything except the fact that they were gay—and that Regulus might be too.
He quickly made a list in his head of all the signs:
- Regulus blushed often, especially when James flirted with him.
- Regulus had been sweeter lately.
- They had held hands on their walk—something friends wouldn’t normally do in public.
- Regulus had opened up more and had agreed to come to the concert.
It wasn’t much, but there was something about Regulus’s behaviour that made James think his feelings were mutual. The way Regulus struggled to meet James’s eyes when James gave him flowers, or the way his cheeks turned pink whenever James complimented him—it all seemed to suggest something.
James could tell by how Regulus always angled his body toward him, as if James were the centre of the universe, and how he let James pay for their dinners. If this had been a girl, James would have been confident and probably already asked her out. But this wasn’t a girl—it was Regulus. That made the whole situation infinitely more complicated.
It was only now, as James truly processed it, that he realised Regulus wasn’t homophobic. That was a miracle! It was a clear sign that Regulus returned his feelings—or so James took it to be. Ever the optimist.
“So... just to be absolutely sure. They were gay? As in two men who loved each other?” he asked again, just to be certain. If this was true, then maybe he had a chance with Regulus.
“Yes, James. Why are you so obsessed? You’ve never been interested in mythology before!” Remus sounded irritated, albeit in a curious way, and James knew there was no escape: he had to tell Remus.
Well, Remus probably wouldn’t like it—understandably—but James needed a friend more than anything right now, and Remus was already suspicious.
“So... you remember I told you I went to the museum with Regulus, yeah? Well, um, he mentioned his favourite painting, which happens to be the one about Achilles...” James said slowly, trying not to alarm Remus, who sighed in exasperation.
“So now I know he’s not homophobic, and that he likes me!” James grinned broadly, just thinking about how he and Regulus could become something.
“What?” Remus’s voice turned hysterical. “James, first of all, you already knew he wasn’t homophobic: he supports Marlene and Dorcas. And second, you don’t know if you have a chance or if he likes you! You’ve got too little information to be certain of anything!”
Remus sounded absolutely frustrated, as if he could hardly believe what he was hearing. James didn’t blame him—it sounded insane. But James was sure.
“I know it sounds strange, but Remus, listen to me! From all the times I’ve hung out with him, every sign points to a crush. Because he’s a boy, I’ve probably just ignored it, but Remus, the way he looks at me! The other day, he let me hold his hand in public. That’s not normal for Regulus!” James looked at Remus with wide eyes. Why wouldn’t he believe him?
Remus nodded slowly, careful not to hurt James. “I’m just saying maybe you should take it slow? So you don’t misinterpret things and ruin your friendship, yeah? Sirius would absolutely lose it!” Remus said, falling back onto James’s bed.
“Yeah, but what Sirius doesn’t know won’t hurt him. And he doesn’t know anything about our friendship, sooo!” James said cheerfully, falling back onto the bed as well. “But I’ll be careful. I just can’t promise not to take this as a sign.” With that, he sprang up from the bed and extended a hand to Remus. The taller boy looked at it, unimpressed.
“What am I supposed to do with your hand?” he asked dryly.
James grinned broadly. “Well, I’d suggest taking it, but I wouldn’t mind if you kissed it... or licked it. Yeah, the last one would probably amuse me the most!” he said, looking delighted as Remus pulled a horrified face.
Still, Remus took the hand and pulled himself to his feet.
“Where are we going?” he asked, confused, as James dragged him through the house at full speed, not caring that Remus bumped into doorframes.
“We’re going to make hot chocolate while we wait for Sirius to come home, of course!”
Regulus was nervous. Like, truly terrified. He had agreed to attend James' concert, which seemed fine. He didn’t have a problem with concerts… or noise, but something about it unsettled him. It wasn’t the fact that he would see his brother—that wasn’t what scared him—no, it was the fact that he would see James. They had hung out a lot… and if Regulus didn’t know better, he’d almost think there was something between them. But Regulus did know better. He was well aware that James wasn’t into guys. Why would he be? James was a tall, handsome man who could have any girl he wanted; there was no reason for him to look at boys. Except maybe Lily, and that puzzled Regulus. Why had she turned him down? Maybe because he was so stupid, arrogant, snobby, good-looking, beautiful, tall, strong, sexy—
“Reg, what are you thinking about?” Pandora’s voice interrupted his thoughts. She was sitting across from him at the kitchen table, watching him. Her question snapped him out of his own head—a feat in itself. They were all gathered at Pandora and Evan’s flat (oh, and Barty’s, though it wasn’t technically his), sitting in the kitchen and sharing a bottle of red wine. It was just after eight, and Evan was busy cooking dinner, so the kitchen was filled with a delightful aroma. The faint sound of a radio playing in the background and the hum of traffic from an open window created a calming atmosphere in the small flat.
“Uhh… just…” Regulus hesitated. Should he say it? As soon as James' name left his mouth, the other three would zero in on the conversation, and he wasn’t particularly fond of that. Was there any way to avoid it?
“I… I’m just thinking about the concert on Saturday. I’m not sure if I’ll go.” Thankfully, the others kept chatting.
“Why not?” Pandora asked. “You seemed happy about the invitation. Did something happen between you and Ja—”
Regulus cut her off, fearing the others would notice their topic.
“No, we’re fine. I don’t have an issue seeing him, but I just think it might be better if I stay home,” he said, staring into his wine glass to avoid Pandora’s bright eyes. They were so naturally light, yet she always found a way to make them more striking. It felt like they could see into his soul, and Regulus didn’t like that. He had many dark secrets he preferred to keep hidden.
“Who? Sirius or James?” she pressed, topping up her glass. What she didn’t notice was the sudden quiet in the kitchen. It was as if even the radio had stopped and the street outside had fallen silent.
“Did someone say James?” Barty asked, and Regulus groaned, banging his head on the table so hard the wine glasses rattled.
“Alright, listen here, Regulus,” Barty began in a sing-song tone, swirling the wine in his glass. “If there’s been any development between you and that Potter boy, you’d better update us! First, we’re your friends, so we have a right to all the juicy details, and second, there’s no one else you can talk to about this!”
Regulus lifted his head, looking around at the four expectant faces. Even Evan had paused cooking to listen. Now there was no way out.
He sighed in resignation. “How much do you know?”
“Well, you haven’t told all of us equally, so we’ve had to piece things together,” Evan said with a broad grin. “Dorcas and I know the most since we’ve been there for a lot of… encounters. We know about the bloody nose, the date, you kicking him out, and the coffee.”
“Fine. Here’s the whole story, and then you’d better stop pestering me.” Regulus shook his head, drained his wine, and braced himself. “In July, I bumped into James when I’d just found Galena, my cat. He was lurking behind a corner watching me. When I asked why he was staring, he offered to help, but I declined.” He took a deep breath, raising his hand to stop Barty from interrupting. “In August, after his concert, he sought me out backstage and was very… charming, shall we say. I ended up running straight out and drinking myself silly with you lot. Somehow, he found my address. I gave him a bloody nose, he came back a week later, we went to a museum. When we got back, I got incredibly angry at him, so when he showed up later that evening—” Regulus hesitated. Should he say this next part? Oh, screw it. “I yelled at him a bit, but I think we sorted it. Then, he shows up one morning at 7:11, and I kick him out immediately because that’s not even morning yet, but I told him to come later—I’m not a monster. I made it clear he couldn’t show up before ten, like everyone else. So, at 10:30, he comes back and ends up having coffee with Dorcas and me.”
Regulus paused, catching his breath. His voice faltered as he glanced at his friends, whose wide eyes and open mouths made it clear they were hanging on every word. With a resigned huff, he continued. “One day, I was sitting in the park, and he appeared out of nowhere. We talked, and he said I seemed nicer than usual. Then he asked what could keep me sweet for the rest of the day. I said ice cream because I couldn’t exactly say, 'you in my bed.' So, he held my hand, and we went to an ice cream parlour. Lastly, a few days ago, he showed up—after ten—with watermelon juice because he knows it’s my favourite. He came into the kitchen, made breakfast, and gave me this whole lecture about the importance of sleep!”
As Regulus concluded, he reached for the wine bottle and refilled his glass. Silence lingered. Even Barty, who always had a quip ready, sat speechless. It was Evan who finally broke the tension.
“So… are you two officially together?” he asked, a grin spreading across his face.
“No!” Regulus snapped. “When did you hear that we kissed? Never! Potter probably isn’t even into boys!” He glared around at them, making it clear the matter was not up for debate. His gaze settled on Dorcas, who was smiling. Why was she smiling? It was as if she knew more than she let on.
“And what are you grinning at, Meadowes?”
he asked sharply. Regulus might have shared something personal, but he was still his old grouchy self.
"Oh, I just think he looks like someone who's into guys. Sure, maybe he liked Lily, but I swear, when I first met them, I thought he was dating your brother!" she said with a brief smile. "Regulus, he turned up to the last party wearing makeup. That’s pretty gay!"
A loud snort came from Barty. "Hey! You put makeup on me, and I’m definitely not gay!"
Evan just laughed loudly. "Keep telling yourself that. Weren’t you with Regulus during your teenage years? I distinctly remember sharing a room with two horny fifteen-year-olds who couldn’t keep their hands or tongues to themselves."
Pandora giggled and nodded as if she wholeheartedly agreed with Evan’s statement. Regulus couldn’t deny it either because it was true. His very first boyfriend had been Bartemius Crouch Jr.
Regulus mulled over Dorcas’ earlier words. Ignoring what she had said about his brother, all that was left was the part about James wearing makeup. The girls might have convinced him to do it, but Dorcas claimed he turned up in makeup. That might mean something. Regulus couldn’t rule anything out because he hadn’t asked James directly, but he was fairly certain. It made no sense at all for James to be gay!
"Can we talk about something other than James’ potential homosexual tendencies?" Regulus asked, panicking. He didn’t have the energy to discuss this with his friends. It was his own matter and something they didn’t need to worry about.
"Sure, I’d much rather talk about the fact that you two were holding hands, and you’re only telling us now," Evan said, raising his eyebrows at Regulus.
And what was he supposed to say to that? What was the reason, really? Was there a reason? Yes... there was, but was he ready to tell his friends?
"Um... it didn’t seem like an important detail," Regulus said quietly, and it was the truth. He really didn’t understand why it mattered what he did when they weren’t around. Sure, he and James had done a few things, but why the others wanted to hear about it made no sense to Regulus. Why would they?
"Reg, we’re your friends," Dorcas said. "What’s important to you is important to us, and you’ve clearly liked him since you were ten, so..." Dorcas let the last word trail off to emphasise how insane the situation was. Regulus couldn’t help but agree with her. Eleven years was a pretty long time. It was so hard to grasp how time had flown by. He hadn’t spent all eleven years consciously liking James, but if he were honest with himself, Regulus knew he’d been smitten the day he saw James’ messy hair for the first time, when Sirius was leaving. 1 September.
"Yeah, I can see that," he mumbled, a bit embarrassed for not having talked to them about it. "Is there something specific you’d like to know?" he asked, hoping to make amends in some way. He sincerely hoped they would say no, but he wasn’t that lucky:
"What’s his star sign?" Pandora asked. She was always so focused on astrology. Regulus didn’t need to think about it; he knew.
"27 March 1960," Regulus replied.
"Ah, so he’s an Aries!" she said enthusiastically. "And you’re a Capricorn. It’ll be interesting to see how that plays out!" She chuckled lightly.
"Oh, don’t scare him off now! I definitely want to see how this pans out, so I can tease that Potter boy!" Barty said decisively.
"If you even mention our relationship to him, you’ll regret it, Bartemius. You know me well enough to know this is serious. Stay away from James!" Regulus knew Barty wouldn’t be intimidated, but it was worth a try. Nothing might come of it, but if something did, just if, then Barty needed to stay out of it. Regulus sighed and looked over at Evan, who was still standing by the stove.
"How did we even get onto the subject of James?" he asked finally. Maybe the conversation could be stopped if the first question was answered.
"You were unsure whether you’d go to that concert James invited you to. The one on Saturday," Pandora answered helpfully.
"Why wouldn’t you go? You should definitely go, Regulus. It’ll be fun, and I’m telling you, they’re amazing! James is so good with a guitar," Dorcas said. It was obvious she wanted him to go. And he did want to, but Regulus had a feeling that whatever his and James’ relationship was developing into, it would hurt one of them. Most likely Regulus. James didn’t seem like someone who took things too seriously.
He was always so optimistic. If they stopped talking because of Regulus’ complicated feelings, James would probably move on quickly. Regulus, on the other hand, would spiral into a deep hole and struggle to climb back out again. He’d keep scraping his fingers against the edge in an attempt to climb up, only to fall straight back down again, and again, and again. So, it was probably best to avoid it.
"I’d just end up ruining things between us. I just know it!"
"Nonsense! I won’t let you do that. Trust me. Besides, I think you’ve got a good chance with him, so just go!" Dorcas pleaded, clasping her hands together as if in prayer.
He sighed. Was there anything he could do now? He doubted it. Dorcas almost always got her way, and this was no exception. He’d given up.
"All right then. I can’t believe I’m giving in, but here I am. I’ll go," he said finally, and Dorcas squealed with delight. This was going to be interesting.