It doesn't matter that now he was friends with Harry Potter, people around Hogwarts would never stop tormenting Draco. Despite Harry's efforts, students always found a way to bully him for what he'd done as a juvenile, what he was brainwashed into thinking and the dark mark, which he was forced to get. And obviously, it hurt. Constantly being picked on and ridiculed hurt. So, to cope with what was happening, Draco had fallen into a habit since starting his 8th year.
Every other night, he'd wake up at 1 and go to the bathroom, careful not to wake his other 5 bunk mates. And he would try to get rid of the mark. First he started with spells and potions, but he soon realized that he couldn't counteract the complexity of Voldemorts dark magic. So instead, he turned to physical remedies, starting with things like soap or healing vitamin e oil, but quickly discovered a way he found much more fitting.
---
Draco drew his curtains open, stepping onto the cold wood floor of his dorm. He walked through the dark to the bathroom, shutting the door quietly and turning on the overhead light. He knelt down and sat on the floor, opening the cabinet to look for his toiletries. He sat rummaging through the contents beneath the sink until he found a small cosmetics bag he'd found in his mum's bathroom.
He unzipped the bag and dumped it on the shower carpet in front of him. Old razors with their blades detached and other small sharp things he'd found over the last couple of months laid in front of him. Draco took a deep breath, his shoulders relaxing and his hands becoming much less fidgety. He knew that he shouldn't be hurting himself, but not only had it been (kind of) working, it also became a thing that gave him a peaceful state of mind. Not every cut he made was to get rid of the dark mark, some were made to punish himself for things he'd done or things he'd thought.
Draco picked up one of the blades, holding it in his hand as he rolled up his sleeve. Slowly, he dragged the blade across his skin. Blood began bubbling on his forearm and he let out a sigh. He followed his bi-daily ritual of carving out pieces of the snake, causing deep chunks to be missing from his skin. Honestly, it scared Draco. The fleshly mess was hard to look at, and hurt to add to.
Draco decided to stop with the carving and rolled down his pants. He couldn't help but think about potions class that day. He'd sat with Harry at the back of the class, he'd zoned out looking at the boy next to him. He would never admit it, to anybody, but he'd had a growing crush on Harry since 3rd year and it'd only gotten worse since 8th year began. He felt ashamed, the nicest person to him right now and he had a crush on him. What would Harry do if he found out? Would he hate him? Would he accept him? Would he make fun of him?
So much rushed through his mind as he dug into his own skin, tears falling from his eyes soaking his long sleeved shirt. How could he fall for Harry of all people?
At this point he was being audibly loud and he was shaking too much to keep hurting himself, so he rolled down his sleeves and buttoned his pants. Draco wiped the blade on a piece of toilet paper, flushing it down the toilet. He still sat on the floor as he put the objects back in their bag before stuffing it back into the depths of the bathroom sink. He raised his arm onto the real counter to hoist himself up, but his hand slipped and fell onto the cart below making a loud bang as his hand collided with the steel.
"Fuck.." he muttered, sliding up against the wall as his head spun.
"Draco? Are you in there?" He heard a sleepy Harry ask through the door, this only made his heart sink further into his chest and the tears rolled faster.
"y-yea"
"Are you okay?"
"Mhm, yea...yea" He knew he sounded delirious, but Draco hoped Harry wouldn't notice.
"Draco. Open the door" Harry sounded more alert now, but he didn't respond.
"Draco if you don't open the door, I'll open it myself. Whats wrong? Please open the door.."
Draco slowly stood up, unlocking the door and cracking it slightly. Only enough for harry to see maybe his eyes and hopefully not the mess on his shirt or the floor.
“See? I'm fine.” Draco gave a small sigh, but he could tell Harry didn’t believe him because of the way his eyes narrowed and his eyebrows furrowed.
“Have you been crying?” Neither boy spoke. Draco not wanting to lie, but knowing that even if he did Harry wouldn’t believe him.
“Let me in.” Harry demanded, and Draco could feel his eyes start to fill with tears again. Knowing there was blood on the floor and that he hadn’t bandaged himself yet, he froze.
“I-I can’t.” He whispered, and he could see the confusion on harry’s face. He didn’t say anything, but instead pushed lightly on the door, easily overpowering Draco’s hold on the other side.
“Stop-” Draco began, but it was too late. Harry could see the blood on the floor, and he turned to look at his friend.
Draco's head was down, his arms holding his stomach to hide the blood stains on his sleeves as he cried. He was shaking his head as his body trembled in fear. Harry’s eyes softened looking at him, taking him all in before he took a tentative step towards him.
“Draco, what happened..?” Draco said nothing, just choking on another sob and his head shaking more profusely. Harry took another step towards him, breaking at the sight of the boy in front of him, he reached out to hold his elbows.
“Can I see?” He asked softly.
“Pl-please don’t be mad..im sorry, im so sorry” Harry got confused, why was he apologizing? Draco had done nothing to hurt him.
“Oh baby..I could never be mad at you.” He cursed himself for the nickname, but at least it got Draco to look at him, and allow him to see his bloodied sleeves. He pushed down a gasp. The blood had soaked the entirety of his pajama sleeves. Draco began to pull away again, but Harry held onto his arms tight, looking him in the eye to show he didn’t need to be scared.
“Cmon, sit down on the toilet seat. Let me help.” Draco nodded slightly, sitting down as Harry got things around the bathroom to help clean the cuts.
They maneuvered in silence, Draco too scared to say anything and harry focused on trying to help.
He sat down on the edge of the bathtub, setting everything down next to him and took draco's arm in his hand. He rolled up the sleeve, both him and draco stiffening at the sight, draco looking away in shame. The dark mark was barely visible beneath all of the gashes.
“It’s okay, you are beautiful. Scar and all. You don’t need to get rid of it, it’s just a cool tattoo now” Harry said as he wiped away the blood. He put some healing cream on it, and bandaged it in two parts. He then took the other arms and repeated the same process, whipping, healing, and wrapping in two parts. When he lifted his head, Draco had stopped crying but the look of longing had yet to leave his eyes.
“Are there more? Have you cut yourself anywhere else?” Draco locked eyes with Harry, nodding slowly as he untied his bottoms and pulled them down revealing a mess of jagged lines.
“These are really deep…” Harry mumbled, “It might hurt, okay? If it gets too much just tell me, but I would really like to make sure these are all clean. “ Draco whispered a quiet agreement.
As Harry wiped around all of the cuts, he could hear Draco gasping when he went over them with the washcloth or the cream. As he finished wrapping his friends' thighs, he began to also wipe the floors of Draco’s accident.
“Let’s talk about this in the morning, yeah? For now, let's get you to bed.”
“Okay” Draco said, standing from the toilet, slightly stumbling, causing Harry to come over and help him.
“I’m sorry for all the fuss..” He whispered as they walked into the darkness of the dorm room.
“Don't apologize baby, I’m glad you let me help you. Lets skip tomorrow, you could use the rest.” Draco felt his face flush at the nickname, a chill spreading through his body as he nodded his head.
Harry laid him down in bed, and despite not wanting to, tucked him in and closed his curtains before going to sleep in his own bed.
How could somebody as beautiful and caring as draco, feel so low about himself? Doesn’t he know that he is not the same as he was before the war? Nobody is, not Harry or anybody else even. He was determined to make draco see that somehow.
—
By the time Draco had woken up, Harry had brought him up breakfast from the great hall and set it on his dresser against the wall. Draco sat up against his pillows, looking at Harry who sat in a chair next to him reading.
“Good morning” Harry said, he set down his book and brought over the food.
“Morning” Draco whispered, not saying much because he knew what was to come.
“How about you eat, and we can talk about last night when you finish.” Draco closed his eyes at the mention of last night, he’d hoped that Harry finding him bloody and distraught last night was just a really bad dream. Nonetheless, he nodded in agreement as he bit into his toast.
“Ron and Blaise got into another fight this morning. Ron claimed that Blaise was snoring too loud, and that he could hear it from his bed. Blaise just listened and laughed as he got flamed though, so I think maybe there's something there. You know what I mean?” Harry explained, Draco nearly choked because he was laughing so hard, those two got into fights almost every morning.
As Draco took his last painfully slow bites of his apple, he sighed and watched Harry’s eyes softened.
“Okay what do you want to know?” Draco asked, sitting up straighter and avoiding eye contact.
“When did it start?” Draco tensed.
“After the war…”
“Draco..it's been over a year. “ Harry had this pitiful look on his face, reaching out his hand to hold Draco’s. “How often?”
“I don’t know, like every other day maybe?”
“Oh draco..” Tears filled the eyes of both boys.
“I tried to cut it out. The dark mark. Everybody always has something to say about it, they make fun of me. There's never a dull moment. So I figured if I couldn’t use magic to remove it, I could cut it out. Literally. “
Harry rested his head on Draco’s hands, his tears falling onto the skin of his hands. Draco reached out a hand to his Harry, brushing it through the loose brunette curls.
“I should’ve tried harder to get them to stop. I'm so sorry this happened, i'm so sorry.. Draco you’re beautiful, I said it last night I’ll say it again, you’re gorgeous with or without the mark. You don’t need to cut it out“
“You think I’m pretty?” Draco murmured, slightly dumbfounded.
“No, I think you're beautiful.” Harry corrected, lifting his head.
They sat in silence for a few moments after that, both a blushing mess. Neither knew what to say, but both wanted to know if the other felt the same way. Draco spoke first.
“I kind of like you, you know. Last night was so bad because I thought I was being too obvious about it in potions yesterday, I was embarrassed that you caught me staring.”
“I didn’t even realize, I didn’t even see you staring”
“Why did you try so hard to protect me against everybody? Wouldn’t it have just been easier to let them bully me?” Harry shook his head.
“You don’t let the people you love get hurt.” He squeezed Draco’s hand and leaned up to give him a light kiss on his lips, Draco kissing back in an instant.
“You have to tell me if you ever feel that way again, you hear me? I won’t let you continue to get hurt by yourself or others.” Harry said seriously.
“Okay, I will. Can you lay with me?”
“Of course.”
Draco laid in Harry’s arms for the rest of the day, talking about everything and nothing, and for the first time in months he felt guilt free.