James is a fire, he's burning and large and bright and Regulus must be a moth, because he's drawn to the flame. Regulus is going to burn, drowning in the flames and it's so dangerous—yet he can't bring himself to ignore it, to douse the flames. James is magnetic, pulling Regulus into his atmosphere, and he can't help himself either, they toe the line with one another, leaving Regulus' head spinning. His eyes are caught onto James' lips as he licks them unconsciously, and Regulus wonders what they taste like. He tears his eyes away, cheeks ablaze, but he catches James’ eye instead. It’s dangerous, Regulus knows it is, because the look in James’ eyes leaves his head spinning, and he’s dizzy with want. Without meaning to, he’s leant in, head tilted up at James. Alarm bells blare as James’ mouth ticks up, confidence and smugness that Regulus wants to taste, melt it on his tongue and swallow.
The gall of him, James Potter, to smirk at Regulus with those soft pink lips and a crinkle to his eyes. Eyes that dare him, taunt him to lean in, to pull James down to his level, breaths hot against each other. They’re inches apart, a gust of wind could tip them into one another. Regulus swallows, eyes flickering back down to James’ lips. It takes all of Regulus' willpower to not close the distance. His eyes flick back up to James’ eyes as he licks his lips again, Regulus trying to regain control, flushed as he makes eye contact. Inches apart, Regulus bites out a strained, "Til next time, Potter."
He breaks away from James, creating distance that he should’ve kept the entire time, pace quick as he rushes away from James’ shit eating grin, his sharp eyes and crooked glasses. His face is on fire, and he wants to drown in a lake to cool himself down—out of all people, James Potter. He couldn’t have chosen anyone more unattainable, his traitorous heart setting to doom him.
He couldn’t be more enamoured.
There was something magnetic about him. Something in lingering stares, in his smiles, Regulus was caught. Inevitably, he’d been drawn to James, and he’s yet to break out. He’s not sure if he wants to. There’s layers, Regulus can sense it, he wants to know, he wants to see James layer by layer, know him inside and out.
Embarrassed, he runs a hand across his face. Idiot. James Potter was an idiot, and shit, Regulus Black was into an idiot. He slides down a wall, mortified.
He’s toeing a line he shouldn’t cross, that he can’t cross, a multitude of things holding him back. So no, he couldn’t be this enamoured, drawn to a flame, he couldn’t.
And yet.
There was something so intriguing, and Regulus wanted to figure it out. Under all that bravado, there was something soft, and Regulus has seen it, again and again. He wants to, he wouldn’t mind the heat, the blaze that James emanates. He wants, he wants, he wants, what was wrong with him?
“Piss off Potter,” Regulus huffs, annoyance coloring his cheeks. “Don’t you have other people to talk to, like–like that pretty girl in Ravenclaw, over in the Quidditch stands–didn’t you see her looking at you–”
"I didn't see, I was looking at you," James says, interrupting Regulus and forcing his words to halt in his throat. Regulus feels his cheeks heat up at James' casual admittance, it can't mean anything, does it? Regulus looks at him, and James' eyes are warm, inviting Regulus to stay, promising comfort. Regulus tears his eyes away, cheeks flush as he focuses his eyes on a tapestry instead.
“That’s idiotic.” Regulus says, pretending as if the words weren’t the reason his face was on fire. James chuckles softly, and Regulus can’t help but look at James again, he wants to bottle his laughter.
Regulus goes for a kiss, at the same time that James twists his face away, and frustration comes in a wave, crashing over Regulus. He wants, he wants--
There’s a teasing smile on James’ face, a goad.
And hell, Regulus is falling for it, entrapped in his own adoration for one stupid, beautiful boy—
“You deserve all the love in the world,” James says softly, love outpouring. There’s something that doesn’t meet his eyes, and Regulus tenses at the sight of it. Just not from me.
Is that what James was thinking? Regulus deserves better?
“But not from you?” Regulus murmurs, words catching in his throat. He feels like there's pressure on his heart, curse him for falling for a boy who is so blindsighted with affection for others he forgets it for himself.
“You— there’s better for you,” James whispers back. “I’m not what you’re looking for, I promise.”
“You’re what everyone is looking for,” Regulus responds, “Fuck you Potter, you think I want to want you? You’re so unattainable, I’m just one of so many on your roster, fuck off.”
He flushes, shrugs and says, "Reg, people don't really—they don't actually think I'm attractive or cool, it's just, y'know a joke."
Regulus meets his gaze again, finding sheer honesty in James' words and he feels like he's got James all wrong. under the surface, Regulus thinks, oh. James looks off again an air of insecurity rushing his words out next, humming, "But anyway."
"It's not a joke," Regulus blurts, and he feels his face grow hot as he realizes what he's implying. "You don't think that everybody's just playing some huge joke on you do you? you have to know that your friends are real, everyone likes you James." I like you.
The words catch in his throat.
Regulus fucks things up.
Every time, all the time.
Words always fail, when he needs them most---
“Don't you,” James licks his lips, mouth dry as he stares at the hand around his wrist, “Want me to leave?”
No, no, no, Regulus wants to shout, but his mouth is glued shut. He tightens his grip the tiniest amount and hopes James can see in his expression how badly he wants him to stay. There’s silence that stretches, and James tugs once—and Regulus lets go. He let go. His palm is cold where James’ wrist used to be, and Regulus lets his hand drop. James waits, just a beat longer, and Regulus doesn’t say anything, the silence overbearing. James swallows and turns around, an expression of hurt flickering across his face.
James’ love is outpouring, he just gives and gives, but Regulus isn’t like that. His love is fenced up, padlocked and guarded, and he knows James isn’t a mind reader, but he wishes he were. He wishes James could see through it all and see Regulus shouting, I’m right here, stay! There’s a curl of self hatred Regulus feels as he listens to James’ steps fade away, he can only stand and regret regret regret.
Self hatred pools like poison in his gut, and he feels it claw at him. He tries to grasp onto words, lessons, that Sirius and James tried drilling into his head, he’s enough, mistakes happen it's—slipping. He can’t breathe. Like water, he can’t keep hold, the sharp tang of self loathing bites its way through to the surface, and he closes his eyes and hates, hates, hates everything, everyone. It’s an inky mass that spreads through him, and he shudders with it. Why couldn't he just be normal?