James needs a hug.
Remus and Lily leave the dinging hall together and go up to the gryffindor tower and into the marauders dorm, hoping to find out why James has been acting like that.
They enter the dorm quietly to found James curled up in a ball laying down on his bed with a blanket on top of him, Lily speaks in a gentle tone. “Is everything alright, James?”
He replies with a simple. “Yeah.”
Remus speaks up. “James, obviously you’re not okay so please, tell us what’s wrong.”
James grumbles and rolls over to face them. “I like a boy.” He blurts out.
“Oh, okay.” Remus pauses then continues. “And who is this boy, exactly?”
“Nobody.” James says. “It’s pathetic. It’s just a stupid crush and they will never ever like me back.” Lily frowns. “Oh James. I’m sure anyone would like you. You are a very sweet person.”
“Yeah right.” James sighs. “I really thought I had a chance with him but now I’ve realized in the stupid one for believing I could even be near him.” Remus speaks up again. “James, who is this mysterious boy?”
“It’s Regulus. The boy I like is Regulus.” James says as his head is pounding.
Lily is a bit taken back by the response and Remus is purely shocked.
“You mean Sirius’ little brother?” Remus says and then pauses. “Mate, you know he’s gonna kill you if he finds out, right?”
James shoots a reply right back at him with a bit of attitude. “Obviously I know. But I can't help it, and it’s kind of hard not to fall for your best mates brother when they are super attractive.”
Lily chuckles a bit. “Are you calling Regulus attractive? I could agree with that a little bit. I mean he’s a fine bloke but like. He’s a bit out of your league.”
James frowns and Lily immediately regrets what she just said. “Oh god, shit no. I’m sorry sorry. I didn’t mean it like that, I meant it like. Regulus doesn’t seem to be the type of person to date, y’know?”
Remus continues to also talk. “I agree with Lils, Regulus is a very fine bloke, of course not as hot as his older brother, but like…”
Lily slaps Remus’ arm and Remus complains. “Ow!” Lily replies.“Not the time to be talking about bloody Sirius!”
James snorts but his expression changes to sadness again. “Whatever, it’s a pathetic crush anyways. It’s not like he’ll like me back anyways.” Lily frowns and says. “Oh James. Who told you it’s pathetic to like him?”
James pauses for a second. “Marlene.” He looks away. Not being able to look at them.
Remus gently slaps his face. “Oi, James! Why did she tel, you that?”
Lily replies. “Yeah, that isn’t like her at all.”
“I just don’t know.” James grumbles. “It happened after quidditch practice. I was walking back with Marlene and I was very excited. Because of Regulus of course. And I told her about it, I said I asked him to practice quidditch but then she said he was pathetic and that I’m way out of his league.” James frowns.
Remus grits his teeth and sighs. “Damn, that must be bad.”
Lily frowns as well. “Yeah, it really does.”
James notices Remus trying not to laugh. “Don’t fucking say it, Remus.”
“Sirius is the better brother.” Remus blurts out.
“Honestly, I agree. Doesn’t Regulus have a really pretty friend, though? I think her name is Pandora. Me and Pete have her in our Herbology class.”
James groans, and says. “Stop fucking talking about irrelevant stuff! I’m fucking struggling here and you guys aren't helping! If you guys aren’t going to tell me something to actually help then leave. I would much rather be alone.” Lily sighs and replies.
“Uhm well, I’m not the best with relationship or crush advice, or Re is so. I guess we’ll be leaving!”
“Yeah, please.” James says.
Remus and lily walk out of the dorm, carefully and quietly closing the door behind them. Then, Lily whispers to Remus. “Something is clearly wrong. We need to figure it out.” Remus replies. “Agreed.”
***
Regulus was looking around for James the whole day.
He wasn’t at Breakfast. Weird.
He wasn’t in any of his morning classes or passing by Regulus in the halls. Weird.
He wasn’t in the great hall for lunch. Weird.
He wasn’t in any of his classes after lunch. Weird.
(I forgot to mention this but because of how academically smart Regulus is, he takes classes with 4th years and 5th years.)
Regulus’ last class of the day was Potions, James is supposed to be in that class. He wasn’t there. Mr. Slughorn was assigning partners for a potions project. Barty got paired up with Dorcas and regulus chuckles to himself as he knows they’re gonna kill each other. Slughorn of course paired up Evan and Pandora, to get on the Rosiers good side.
Finally, when Slughorn came over to be assigned a Partner. Of course, he got assigned James, the last person he wanted to be assigned with.
The rest of the class goes by quickly. However, he is dreading to get this project started.
Regulus ends up walking back from potions with Sirius and Mary, instead of walking with his friends. Once Regulus enters The marauders dorm. He finds Remus and Peter already there but what he’s focusing on the most is the fact that James looks absolutely drained. Like he had trying to cry or maybe has. His face looked so pale with dark purple smudges under his eyes that are only a bit covered with his glasses. Regulus is hoping he’s just not feeling well, he walks over to James’ bed and gently taps him on the shoulder.
James doesn’t even roll over. He just grumbles thinking it’s Sirius and says. “Go away, Sirius.”
Regulus steps back a bit and whispers. “Oh uhm. Sirius went to the showers with Remus. It’s me, Regulus.” James finally rolls over and looks up at him. “Oh, hey.” James’ voice is groggy and sounds like he’s not doing well.
“Are you alright?” Regulus says. James replies. “Yeah, I’m fine.” Regulus seems a bit sceptical. “Are you sure? You seem a bit. He hesitates. “Groggy.”
“I’m sure. I think I’m just feeling a bit sick but maybe if I get some fresh air in my veins I will feel better.”
Regulus tires to hide his smile. “So later, do you wanna meet up on the quidditch pitch?”
“Yeah sure.” James gives him a quick response before rolling over to face the wall again.
The other boy leaves the dorm feeling all giddy, not even noticing how James really feels.
James what’s to cry. But he can’t let the tears out. His face is pale and he honestly feels like he doesn’t feel himself at all and just wants to die. He wishes all his worries would go away and he could actually be happy but he can’t. He has absolutely no energy at all but manages to get his ass out of bed and grabs a piece of parchment. He can’t find his ink and quill so a pen will do.
Dear, Mother.
I am very sorry, I have been trying so very hard to Tell them.
I almost told Lily and Remus about my bipolar disorder but I just couldn’t.
Everything right now just feels so hard to do and I don’t know where to begin.
I feel like everything relies on me. And it’s so hard to deal with.
I could barely get my arse out of bed to write this.
Let me start from the beginning.
So as you may know after all these years, I Really liked Lily Evans.
Now I just don’t feel that spark anymore.
Instead I’ve been talking with Sirius’ little brother.
His name is Regulus. We usually study together and I’m starting to really like him.
I told Marlene one day after Practice.
She told me it was pathetic to have a crush on him.
It really hurt and I think it caused an episode.
I didn’t go to all my classes or have eaten today.
Once again, I am sorry momma.
Love, James.
James folds the parchment paper and gives it to an owl, he sits at the window watching it fly away. He sits at the window. Staring at the sunset. All of a sudden James hears a knock at the door. “Who is it?” He calls out.
It’s me, Lily.” She replies.
James’ voice croaks as he speaks. “Alright, come in.”
“Oh, dear.” Lily rushes over and wraps her arms around James. “James. You look horrible right now, what’s wrong?”
James hesitates to speak, but then says. “I feel like crying, I’ve tried, multiple times, but nothing comes out. I feel so empty, all the time. And sometimes it feel like. I want to die.”
Lily’s look goes from smiling at him, to pure shock and a bit of horror. What James said makes Lily hug him tighter. “Oh, dear. Please don’t say that James. Nobody wants you to die.”
“You don’t understand, Lily.” He says. “I don’t care if other people don’t want me to die. Sometimes I feel like dying. And there’s nothing, absolutely nothing, you can do about that.”
Lily’s face falls. “James…” Lily wants to help him. So badly. She decides to try. “Have you eaten anything today?” James replies with a quick “no.” Her face falls even more, frowning deeply. “Please try to come down to the great hall for dinner.” She says. “It’s not healthy to be sitting in bed like this and rotting away.” James loses it.
Absolutely loses it.
“I know it’s not fucking healthy! You know what else is not healthy?” He’s takes a deep breath. “Having a fucking mental disorder! I’m sorry I can't help the fact I’m bipolar!” James is fuming now. “You don’t know shit. So don’t tell me it’s not healthy when I can’t help it.” His lip quivers, breath trembling.
Lily takes a step back, absolutely shocked. She’s also a bit upset. One reason, is because she’s never heard James yell like that. And second. How James spoke to her was a bit rude. She tries to control her emotions and says. “I guess I’ll leave.” James snaps back at her.
“Yeah, please do.”
Lily quickly scrambles out the room, shutting the door behind her. Meanwhile, James wants to curl up in a ball and cry, but he knows he can’t do that. Instead, he stares out the window not being able to process anything.
***
When lily walks out of the dorm to find, almost everyone in the common room. Remus reading a book, with Sirius probably hall asleep, with his head on Remus’ chest. Marlene and Mary tlaking with each other on the floor, and Peter and Pandora doing homework together.
Wait.
Is that Pandora? Lily squints her eyes and sees that it is, Pandora. Her cheeks heat up, most likely visible. She hesitates for a moment before walking towards her. Once Pandora and Peter look up from their herbology homework, Pandora smiles at her and Peter walks away, give the girls some space.
“Hi.” Lily says.
Pandora replies. “Hi, Lily.”