The Great War

Regulus was a creature of habit. He had his ways, and he rarely changed them. James knew this, and tried to help. The only problem was, Regulus didn’t want help. He wanted control; he wanted to do everything. This led to him shutting down when he got too stressed.

The poor boy had been trying everything he could to impress James and his parents. He cleaned, he kept to himself, hell, he even cooked sometimes. He tried so hard to be perfect. It hurt James to watch it sometimes.

Like now. Regulus had been having a bad day, and then James mentioned cleaning. It was an offhand comment, not supposed to mean anything, but Regulus took it to heart. He immediately jumped at the opportunity. He always wants to help around the house. Most times it’s fine, and he just helps James clean. The thing was, Regulus was having a bad day, and that led to stress cleaning. This then led to Regulus laying on the couch, completely zoned out.

Regulus would shut down when the stress became too much. When the weight of his thoughts was too unbearable. When everything felt like it was closing in on him, he would just shut down.

When James walks down to the basement and opens the door, he finds Regulus sitting on the couch, curled in a ball, clearly out of it.

“Reg?” He calls out, walking towards the boy. He looked so small and fragile like this.

There is no response from Regulus. He just sits there, staring at the wall in front of him.

They had started building the small kitchen in the back of the room. It was very simple- just some cabinets, countertops, and a very small stove for Regulus to make tea. It was exactly what Regulus needed, especially with his sleeping problems.

The basement was pretty much complete by now. The two of them even went out to buy decorations and other miniscule things. Mugs for the cabinets, a tea kettle, different flavors of tea, some snacks, they even bought Regulus new journals for his poetry. It was a mini home, in a way. It was a place for Regulus to feel safe. A place for him to go when he needed to be alone.

Like now, when Regulus needed a place away from prying eyes, a place where he could come back to reality peacefully and at his own pace.

“It’s okay, love. I’m here. You’re safe.” James carefully moves to sit beside Regulus, and he pulls the boy into his arms gently. He doesn’t even know if Regulus can hear him, but it didn’t hurt to try. James would do anything to make Regulus feel better.

While they sit there, James starts to think. It always felt like something was missing. Like the basement still needed something to make it feel just right. They already put in two more bookshelves- apparently Regulus really likes books. One of them was entirely dedicated to poetry, with the bottom shelf being all of his journals. They bought more blankets because Regulus insisted that they needed more. James also bought a couple more pillows, given the fact that Regulus had been sleeping in the basement more and more lately.

That was another concern that James had. Regulus rarely ever slept upstairs anymore. He preferred to sleep down in the basement, which James didn’t really care about, but he was worried that Regulus wasn’t sleeping a lot when he was alone.

Regulus seemed to be asking James to stay down there with him more and more. He almost seemed… scared to sleep. It was like Regulus needed James to feel safe enough to go to sleep.

Regulus was so fragile. It was like he was one wrong move away from completely breaking down. He always looked so close to the edge, like he was barely hanging on by a thread.

A while later, Regulus finally comes out of his trance. He blinks a couple times, slowly lifting his head up from where James had positioned it on his chest.

“Hey, love. You back with me?” James asks softly, carefully brushing Regulus’ soft curls out of his face. He always tried to be so gentle with him, like if he wasn’t, Regulus would shatter into a million pieces.

Regulus nods, rubbing his eyes. “How long was I out?” He asks quietly, not speaking very loud, almost like he was scared to speak too loud.

“I’m not sure. You were out before I came down here, and I was with you for about an hour.” James replies softly, rubbing his thumb against Regulus’ cheek. “How do you feel?”

“A little tired.” He says quietly, laying his head back on James’ chest. “You’re warm.”

James grins, looking down at Regulus. He looked so peaceful like this. Even though James hates to think about it, he likes Regulus when he snaps out of his trance. He was always so clingy afterwards, and it was honestly adorable.

“You wanna sleep for a bit?” James asks, knowing full well Regulus was more than a ‘little’ tired.

The boy shakes his head in response, burying his face into James’ chest. “No sleep.”

James sighs. He knew that Regulus didn’t like sleeping, some days even feared it. He knew that Regulus was bottling all of his emotions up, trying not to be a burden to anyone.

“You can talk to me, you know.”

“I know.”

James sometimes doubted if Regulus actually knew. Sure, sometimes he would open up to James, but overall Regulus was incredibly reserved. James knew that they had to work on it, but it was hard when Regulus never wanted to talk about anything.

Despite this, James decided to let it go for now. He wouldn’t accomplish anything by fighting with Regulus. Not when he was having a bad day.

When Regulus got like this, the slightest thing could set him off and send him spiraling. James knew it wasn’t worth fighting with him right now. It would only cause more problems. They could talk about it when Regulus wasn’t in such a bad place.

“Well then, what would you like to do? I could put on a movie, or I could-”

“Let’s go out. Do something.” Regulus mumbled, sitting up.

James was left shocked at that. Regulus Black wants to go out? That was unheard of. Regulus was always in the house. When he did go out, it was always because James dragged him out. Regulus never wanted to go out.

“Yeah… yeah we can do that. Anywhere in particular you want to go?” James was hesitant, but he would do anything for Regulus.

“Anywhere,” Is all Regulus says, staring into James’ eyes. “Just want to go out.”

“You want somewhere quiet? Busy?” James needed something, anything, to try and figure out where to take Regulus.

“Quiet. Outside, but no people. Just want you.”

James thinks for a minute. “What about that spot we went to when we watched that meteor shower? Does that sound nice?”

Regulus nods. “I’d like that.”

“I’m assuming you’re driving?” James asks, even though he already knows the answer. Regulus always drove. It was very rare for him to allow James to drive.

Regulus nods once again, standing up. “Is that okay?” His tone was quiet.

“Of course it’s okay. I will always let you drive. I know it helps you be less anxious if you drive.” James never understood Regulus’ problems with being a passenger in a car, but he chose to never ask about it. Regulus just needed to be in control, and that was okay. James would let him if it helped Regulus stay comfortable.

They head upstairs, and James hands Regulus the keys.

It was a nice day outside, almost perfect weather. Getting in James’ old pickup, it surprisingly started on the first try.

Regulus does all of his normal procedures, such as adjusting the seat, making sure everything is set, etc. After that, he puts the pickup in reverse, and they leave the driveway. Regulus seemed relaxed behind the wheel, almost like driving calmed him.

James didn’t know what was going through Regulus’ mind, but he knew he would be there for Regulus no matter what. It didn’t matter how bad Regulus was, it didn’t matter how broken he felt, James would always be there. He loved Regulus, and he would do anything for the boy. Anything.

James would make sure Regulus was safe. He would make sure Regulus got better.

He would make sure Regulus felt loved.

Driving always made Regulus feel safer. He hated being a passenger with a burning passion. There was something so terrifying about having to put all of your trust into someone to not kill you. Regulus preferred to just always drive.

James always let him drive. He was well aware of how anxious Regulus got, so he always let him drive. It didn’t matter what vehicle it was, it didn’t matter the time of day- Regulus always drove.

Maybe it was his burning desire for control, or maybe it was just the fact he was afraid of somebody killing him, but either way, he had to drive. It was the safest.

They eventually pull up to the secluded area that Regulus likes. He’s been going there for years, and he doesn’t mind sharing it with James. James could be trusted, he was safe.

There were few trees, which normally Regulus wouldn’t like, but he likes it here. It was perfect for stargazing, and nobody ever came to the area anyways.

As much as he hates going outside, he needed the fresh air. He just needed to calm himself down, and with James there, that probably wouldn’t be hard. He just needed the quiet, while also having fresh air. That’s all he needed.

He leads James over to a patch of grass, sitting down carefully. His mind was screaming at him, telling him to get off the dirty floor, telling him to stay clean, telling him to at least grab a damn blanket. He wanted to ignore the thoughts, but that was near impossible.

“James, is there a blanket in your pickup?” Regulus asks, standing back up. He couldn’t physically let himself sit on the ground. His brain just wouldn’t let him.

“Yeah, you need it?” James knew about Regulus’ problems, and he always tried to help. He was aware of the fact that Regulus struggled with so much in his mind. Regulus never understood why James put up with him.

“Please?” Regulus hated seeming so weak, but James knew he wasn’t in a good mental state, and he knew James wouldn’t judge him. He would try to make him feel better.

James just smiles, and goes back to the pickup to grab the blanket. Regulus has always been so thankful to have someone like James. He was so thoughtful, and he always tried his hardest to make sure Regulus felt safe and accepted.

He laid the blanket on the ground for Regulus, and they both sat down. Regulus immediately falls into James’ arms, taking a deep breath. It was calm out today. There was very little wind, but it wasn’t hot either, which made for a perfect day to just sit outside.

“You wanna talk about why you were so upset?” James asks cautiously, gently running his fingers through Regulus’ hair. He knew that it always helped calm Regulus.

“Just my brain I guess,” Regulus shrugs, curling into James a bit more. “Got overwhelmed.”

“Were you trying to make everything perfect again?” James pulls Regulus’ face away from his chest, making Regulus look at him.

“Maybe.” Regulus admits, looking into James’ eyes. They looked so soft, so understanding. James was always so patient with Regulus and all of his stupid thoughts. He often wondered how James even put up with him most of the time.

James lets Regulus lay on his chest again, holding him close. They stay like that for a while, finding comfort in each other’s presence.

“I’m sorry.” Regulus mumbles, shifting slightly.

“What for?”

“For making you worry.”

Regulus despised making James worry. It was his least favorite thing to do, in fact. He hated having to make James worry about him.

“Reg, my love, it’s okay. I don’t mind worrying about you. I would rather worry than make you think that I don’t care at all, okay?” James' voice was soft and sweet, trying to calm Regulus’ nerves.

“I just feel bad. I’m always struggling with something, and you obviously have stuff going on as well, but I just sit here and make you hold me all of the time-”

“Regulus. Listen to me. I don’t care about any of that. All I care about is you feeling safe and loved. You just went through something traumatic, of course you aren’t going to be okay. I don’t care if you need me all the time. I don’t care if you are scared to be alone. I don’t care about anything except keeping you safe.” James’ voice was even, never faltering, and Regulus knows he means it.

He knows James is serious. He knows he has nothing to be afraid of. He knows this, and yet he can’t help but still feel horrible for making James be his personal therapist- or whatever it was that they had going.

“Promise?” Regulus knew it made him sound weak and stupid, but he honestly didn’t care. He just wanted to know James was being serious. He needed that confirmation.

“Promise.” James replies, smiling and kissing the top of Regulus’ head. “I love you, Reg. I always will.”

“I love you too.” Regulus whispers, and he knows he means it. He knows his mind isn’t playing tricks on him. If Regulus forgot everything else except for one thing, that one thing would be that he loves James. It didn’t matter how bad his mental state was, it didn’t matter if the world was ending, he would always love James. Forever and Always.

Regulus didn’t know a lot of things. He didn’t know why his mind worked the way it did, he didn’t know what he did to deserve James’ love, and he didn’t know why he was still alive and breathing. What he did know, though, was that he loved James more than anything, and that he was perfectly content with simply sitting in his arms for the rest of eternity if it meant Regulus got to feel as safe as he does right in this very moment.

Regulus isn’t sure why they bought these things, but he was glad they did.

After they left their secluded spot, James asked if Regulus could run him to the store for a couple things, and Regulus obliged. They went in, and for some reason, Regulus felt compelled to buy these glow-in-the-dark stars that he saw on an endcap. James can’t say no to Regulus, so obviously they ended up buying them.

Now, James was standing on a ladder, sticking these stars to the ceiling of the basement. He said that Regulus wasn’t allowed to help, and Regulus honestly couldn’t argue with him. He would end up spending an hour on one star just to make sure it was perfect.

It was almost like those stars were the final touch that the room needed. It added just a tiny bit more detail to the room, making it seem almost perfect.

“Does it look okay?” James asks, stepping off of the ladder and turning to look at Regulus.

“It’s perfect.” Regulus smiles. It’s a soft smile, barely noticeable, but a smile all in the same. It was progress, and that was all they could hope for at this point.

James goes over to the light switch, turning off the lights. When you look up at the ceiling, you can see the green light of the stars glowing.

James sits down on the couch, motioning for Regulus to join him.

Regulus falls into James’ arms, laying down on his chest. James was so perfect. He was safe. Regulus always felt safe with him.

“You okay?” James asks, looking down at Regulus.

“I don’t think I’ve ever been okay.” He admits. He was tired of lying to James all of the time. He’s tired of pretending he’s alright. He’s tired of lying to himself.

“That’s okay,” James whispers, holding him closer. “Nobody is ever truly okay. Not always.”

There was so much truth to that. People could pretend to be okay, they could lie to every single soul that they talk to, and they still wouldn’t be okay all the time. That wasn’t how life went.

Regulus knew James felt it too. The crushing weight of everything, the having to hold up an image, all of it. James felt it too, but he hid it from everyone. Everyone except Regulus.

He knew that James would get worse again once school started. He always did. It was like the pressure of school and having to act perfect for everyone was too much for him. Regulus tried to help, but he sucked at being supportive and comforting. James said he helped, but Regulus wasn’t too sure about that.

“Will it ever get better?” Regulus asks, curling into James’ chest more.

“Eventually it will. It takes time, but it will get better, and I will be with you every step of the way.”

They sat there for what felt like hours, but also for what felt like just a couple minutes. It was everything and nothing all at once. That’s how it always was with those two.

“I want to get better.” Regulus whispers, breaking the silence that had filled the room.

And that was the first step, wasn’t it? Actually wanting to get better was the only way he ever could even try to make it happen. If he didn’t want to get better, then he never would. He had to want it.

Regulus wanted to get better. He wanted James to see him when he was better. He wanted to make it to the other side.

Maybe it was a long road. Maybe it was going to be rough. Maybe Regulus would fail over and over again. Maybe all of these things would happen, but he had to at least try, right? Even if he failed, even if he ends up on the floor breaking down, then at least he tried.

He would try for James. It was all for James. His mind was always filled with thoughts of James.

He would get better for James.