I Want to Hold Your Hand
Pumpkin juice, rotisserie chickens, and a myriad of sides decorated the long tables on platters the size of three bludgers. Sirius picked at a chicken leg on his plate, the pale meat saturated with gravy that slowly bled onto the rest of his food. He pushed the leg around with a fork and looked ahead past the dark-haired boy with glasses sitting directly across from him.
James had his plate smothered in sweet potatoes and the remnants of a chicken thigh; he reached across the table for the pitcher of pumpkin juice that had somehow ended up on the far side of their table. Next to him, Peter held a drumstick while talking with James about one of their shared classes. On the other side, Lily, who laughed at something Dorcas Meadows said.
Beside Sirius, a scarred boy sat with a cane leaning beside his hip.
Remus had his head buried in a textbook; a piece of parchment sprawled over his section of the table with an empty plate over half to keep the paper from curling in on itself. His right hand gripped a feather dripping with fresh ink. His left hand pressed into the bench. His palm splayed as if to hold himself upright. Sirius knew Remus rarely ate dinner.
Remus hardly ate. Ever. He’d nibble on a breakfast tart, drink a cup of tea, and then take off for his first class with the promise of eating more at lunch, billowing in the wind behind him. Sirius knew better than to believe him. Remus would return at lunch, nibble on toast and whatever meat was available that day, and then take off to bury himself in books until evening. It got worse when the new moon threatened its approach. Remus often grew agitated and barely kept food down unless it was one of his few safe foods – mostly chocolate. Sirius had to get creative with the snacks he offered during that time of month. Remus needed fuel, energy, and all the nutrients chocolate didn’t have. So Sirius had to get creative, and more often than not that creativity paid off.
Sirius needed Remus to eat something other than the dark chocolate bar he’d been nibbling on for over an hour. His fingertips were stained with sticky chocolate, the sweet digging under his nails. Remus curled in on himself in bed with his back to the headboard and his knees pulled to his chest, a blanket pooled over his feet. He had visibly cringed when he pulled his knees too fast, and Sirius often scolded the boy for hurting himself. Remus clutched his chocolate bar and took another mouse sized bite from the half-bar that remained.
“Baby,” Sirius crooned from the other end of the twin bed. He had his legs stretched on either side of Remus, his toes poking the other’s thighs every so often to redirect Remus’ attention from the oblivion Remus often fell into when his brain was allowed to roam. When Remus’ dark eyes snapped up to meet his gaze, Sirius’s stare softened. “You need to eat something.”
“I am,” the other boy snipped and continued chewing on his chocolate.
“Something with some sustenance. You’ve got an exam in muggle studies tomorrow and you need to be focused.” Sirius didn’t even care about his own classes, yet he knew Remus’ exam schedule by heart.
“I will be,” Remus said, his snippy tone gone and replaced with a soft murmur that indicated that Sirius had him snagged.
“You’re right, Moony, you will be focused. Because you’ll eat something for me,” Sirius tested his boyfriend again, who continued to match his gaze. Remus lowered the chocolate bar from his face, and he licked his top lip to clear it of any leftover sweetness. That action alone made Sirius gulp with discomfort low in his stomach.
“Yeah,” Remus said, nodding.
“You’re a good boy, you know that?”
“I am,” Remus beamed, the chocolate long forgotten. Sirius knew how to get Remus to do what he wanted, he just had to coax him from the shell he molded around himself in the form of his limbs and a thick blanket.
“You are, love. You wanna come eat with me?”
“You ate earlier,” Remus stated, his voice retreating. Fuck. Remus had been working diligently on an Astronomy essay, Sirius didn’t think he lifted his eyes to look across the table at him once. Apparently, he’d missed Remus’ attention at lunch after all.
“But I’m hungry now,” Sirius corrected. “I didn’t eat a lot earlier; had a headache that wouldn’t bugger off.”
“You didn’t tell me,” Remus’ eyes widened and he lunged forward, the action obviously paining him from the way his eyes pinched shut and his lips thinned. Sirius caught his arms and pulled Remus into him so his head rested against Sirius’ chest. Using his legs, he carefully navigated Remus’ long limbs to stretch out, allowing his joints to breathe. Remus breathed a sigh of relief when the pressure on his knees and muscles let up, and he melted into Sirius’ embrace.
“You were working so hard,” Sirius murmured. His hand immediately went to the boy’s head to administer a massage with his nails to Remus’ scalp. “You’re taking so many classes, baby.”
“I can handle them,” Remus fought back and tried to pull away from Sirius but he tutted and strengthened his grip.
“I know you can, Moony. Which is why you need to eat something, and I heard there’s gonna be potatoes tonight. With cheese.”
“Where’d you get that information?” Remus grumbled into Sirius’ shirt.
“I have my sources,” Sirius replied while his hand petted at Remus’ head. “Will you come eat with me?” When Remus didn’t respond immediately, Sirius hummed and pulled the boy impossibly closer with his arms wrapped around Remus in a punishing grip. “You’re my boy, Moony, and I love you more than you’ll ever know. And part of loving you means making sure you eat. I know your wolf isn’t a fan of people food before the moon, but he doesn’t know what you need right now.”
“I don’t wanna get sick,” Remus mumbled.
“I won’t let that happen. I know what you can eat right now and I’ve made sure the kitchen has it.” Sirius rubbed his boyfriend’s arms and pulled back. “Wanna go eat?”
Remus responded with a hum and untangled himself from Sirius embrace. “Just a little?”
“Just a little, baby,” Sirius nodded and hopped off the bed to stand in front of Remus. He took the boy’s face in his hands, the cool rings on his fingers sending a quick sting into Remus’ flesh. “I love you,” Sirius whispered and kissed Remus with a soft touch that the other boy could pull away from if he desired. But he didn’t. Remus pressed forward and deepened the kiss; his hands curled around Sirius’ throat and squeezed the soft flesh at the nape of his neck. He groaned into Sirius’ mouth as Sirius pulled away to look into dark green eyes. Remus was his. His. And he’d do anything for him.
Remus’ classes were intense, more so than his friends but he lived for the challenge. Remus happily drowned in the distracting coursework. It kept his mind off reality. Off his wolf who chomped at Remus’ conscience daily. Off his and Sirius’ well-established relationship they had yet to disclose to their friends. The emotions were still so raw, even almost a year into their descent into love. Their bodies were boldly attracted to each other but they were forced to be careful. Stolen glances and the brush of fingers when nobody was looking, and dangerous acts when the doors were locked and the castle slept.
Sirius’ gaze broke from the lightning stained windows to find the exposed bench between him and Remus; his hand spread across the seat. Thin fingers pressed hard enough to reveal the bones hidden under flesh. The veins in his pale skin were more pronounced; the full moon was descending upon Hogwarts in less than a week. The subtle changes were just that, subtle, but Sirius recognized every one of them. Raised white scars covered Remus’ hands, and Sirius often traced them in the dead of night when sleep evaded him.
I want to hold your hand, Sirius thought, desperate for Remus to hear him. He pled with Remus’ hand that remained unmoving as its owner scrawled on the parchment on the table. An empty plate was pushed far enough away from Remus’ place setting to make way for his parchment and ink. Remnants of a neutral dinner: potatoes dusted with cheese, plain chicken, and vanilla pudding because Remus had reached his chocolate limit up in their dorm, stained the plate with crumbs. Sirius had loaded his plate with just enough of each of Remus’ safe foods to get him through tomorrow, when they’d go through the whole ordeal again.
I want to hold your hand, Sirius begged. He dropped his fork and set his hand on the bench. One by one, his fingers popped up, arching like spider legs, and began tip toeing toward Remus’ warm hand. Their skin brushed, a rush of warmth spreading through Sirius’ blood. The other boy flinched back; the touch unexpected but when he stole a glance through his peripheral a crooked smile found its way to his lips. Remus turned his hand over, allowing Sirius to envelop their hands into a tangled knot. Warmth exploded across their touching skin. Remus glanced across the table – James, Lily, and Peter were focused on their own conversations and dinner, and hadn’t noticed the small gesture between the two boys. Remus’ face warmed, his cheeks flushing with heat but he didn’t let go. No. He tightened his grip on Sirius’ hand and went back to his textbook as if Sirius’ hand in his was a normal occurrence during dinner. The way it should be.