Chapter 2
"Sirius oh thank god!" shouted James as he quite literally jumped into Sirius' arms and squeezed him tightly "we haven't heard from you all summer Pads how are you, where's Reggie?"
"Let me go and I'll tell you all about it" said Sirius while trying to get out of his best friend's hug because of the strange burning feeling on his skin. His heart stung. Sirius' thoughts started rushing immediately.
Why can't I just... let him hug me?
Why does hugging my best friend hurt?
Sirius didn't know. He felt a stabbing pain in his chest. He didn't understand.
"So? What happened Pads?" Sirus heard his voice and all of the thoughts went away. He no longer had to think. He no longer had to rush. He was home. And just like that Sirius threw himself at his oh beautiful beautiful boyfriend. He didn't mind the playful gagging sounds his action got from James and Pete. Nothing mattered anymore because Remus was holding him and he was home again.
"Hi my baby"
"Hi" Sirius couldn't help the sigh that left him subsequently, he was safe now.
"Everything okay?"
Sirius didn't trust himself to answer with more than a simple nod.
All of a sudden they heard the doors of the compartment shutting close.
Loud.
Too loud.
The uneasiness came back and Sirius felt sick to his stomach, he never liked loud noises, especially the ones that weren't expected.
"Fuck" he breathed out as he realized James was gone.
"He's probably going to look for Regulus" said Peter by which he reminded Sirius of his presence.
"Yeah no shit Pete that's the fucking problem" Sirius snapped.
After exchanging meaningful looks with Remus ,who seemed more than concerned for his boyfriend, Peter decided to go find someplace else to be to let the two talk in peace.
***
As Peter came out of the compartment, Remus' eyes locked with Sirius'. With that, Remus' look softened immediately and he started to reach out to comfort his boyfriend. He always had this talent of his, he was always so observant and saw right through him. Sirius looked like he was about to cry although no tears appeared.
"Baby?" Remus said while taking a step back "tell me what's going on?"
"I can't feel anything Moony. I can't- it feels like there's nothing really left in me anymore. I'm so scared Moony it hurts and I don't understand I'm just so-" Sirius felt tears starting to form as he rambled nervously. They were about to fall.
"Pads what can I do?" There was nothing Remus could do to stop them from falling.
"Don't let me go please" he whispered in a small voice.
***
Finding out is hard. Not knowing is way harder. Sirius felt something changing in him through the summer. Something was different and he knew this unknown feeling would change his life completely. At 15 he thought he knew everything about himself already, he was in love, had friends who cared for him, he'd already experienced more than most people would throughout their whole lives. After this summer he felt as he didn't know anything about himself anymore. Everything felt wrong, his thoughts were bland in an endless spiral, his emotions were... His emotions weren't there. He felt nothing. Of course he knew the obvious, he knew who he loved, he knew he was scared, and he knew it hurt.
Everything hurt
Sometimes it hurt so much he couldn't move. It wasn't physical though, he was stunned by fear. Feeling scared and hurt was all that was left and he hated it. He hated that he was starting to become a product of his trauma and that he wasn't anyone without it. He couldn't stand the thought that all he was, was his trauma. He became obsessed with the thought of when and how his feelings would come back. Would they at all? They must've right? He surely wouldn't stay like this forever?
***
Remus softly moved them to the seat in their compartment. He let Sirius lay his head down on his lap and played with his long curly black hair while Sirius sobbed quietly.
"There's nothing left of me anymore Moony"
"I'm here, I promise I've got you. You're not alone in this baby, I'm right here." Remus tried his best to keep his composure but seeing the love of his life break down in his arms was to say the least hard.
You're not going to be here when you find out what's left of me
You're going to leave me Moony
You'll resent me
Sirius couldn't help but sob more and more as his thoughts were reminding him of his worst nightmares. It certainly didn't feel like his numbness would pass anytime soon. Sirius thought that once he got away from his parents everything would come back to normal. His memory wouldn't disappoint him over and over again, he'd feel happy again, he'd be able to function like a normal human being.
Maybe it has to take time.
Maybe...
***
James looked everywhere for him.
He couldn't find him.
As he started to grow anxious someone touched his shoulder softly.
"James?"
"Oh Reggie" James said as he turned around and saw his beautiful loverboy, he was ready to wrap himself around his boy instantly and as he was about to, the look on Reg's face stopped him
"James we mustn't talk here, I can't talk to you out here I need you to meet me later tonight. On the Astronomy Tower. Please don't ask any questions now, please don't look for me. Please."
the younger Black brother started rambling with his mind seemingly all over the place "Reg-"
"No James don't- not now. Please." and with that he turned around and walked away as fast as he could.
Like it wasn't the hardest thing he'd ever had to do.
James couldn't understand.