Give up your nights, Dig your graves.

How Remus manages the knowledge that he has to stay behind when they have missions in case Lily gets hurt is beyond her.

Sitting on the sidelines may be good, the best option, but it doesn't make it feel any better, it doesn't make you feel any less useless.

Of course Remus hasn't had to properly deal with that yet. The first true attack they went out to stop he ended up following after them within an hour.

But that initial time, spent alone, sat with the knowledge that your friends are out there somewhere, sacrificing themselves, and you can’t just follow? She doesn't know how he managed that as long as he did.

She barely managed an hour, of sitting, chewing her lips incessantly to the point she could taste blood, brewing potions they needed but felt so useless in the moment. The only thing holding her back from running after her friend's was the paralysis. The choice she would have to make if she did leave her post.

She couldn't get to the cave, she knows that, she doesn't have its location, doesn't have a house elf, and she doubts Kreacher would listen to her if she could even find a way to get to him.

So she could go to the quidditch match.

But that would mean leaving James, Sirius, Pandora and Regulus in the lurch.

The friends that can't just show up to St. Mungo’s if they get hurt. The friends that can't turn to the people on their side. That can't let people know they were doing something risky lest it brings up questions.

She is their only lifeline, and she can't get to them.

Or she could get to the others, but she knows they have backup.

It’s the only thing keeping her still, the only thing that kept her frozen.

Well, until the familiar dolphin dove through her window and took the decision from her.

"What happened?" her own voice rushes out of her as she takes in the scene before her.

The second she made her way through the front door she heard a familiar voice yelling out a location, and she legged it.

"I don't know."

She looks up to the blonde in question, finally managing to tear her eyes off of the two boys laid out on the bed, both fiercely pale, blue lips, one with cuts littering all over his body, barely a space between them some worryingly deep. The other boy  was sporting slightly fewer cuts, but all of them were too deep to even consider ignoring.

"What do you mean you don't know?" she spits out, her voice perfectly levelled as she starts wand work on the two boys, trying to warm them up slowly rather than too quick.

When she gets no response, she lifts her eyes slightly to the girl in question, her wand arm moving in reversed movements over the bodies beneath her.

Pandora is perfectly still, eyes locked on the forms in front of her, well, one form in particular, but at Lily's biting tone she looks up again.

"Inferi."

"Well I can see that," she spits back, hardly able to stop herself as the worry starts to take over, "how did you allow this to happen?"

"It's not her fault." a voice breaks in from the side, weak and trembling, showing much more emotion than the two girls and near corpses in the room.

"What?" she spins her head around, taking in the 5th body in the room, and only just manages to stop herself from lunging at him to fix the huge gash he is nursing on his leg by reminding herself of the two much more critical boys she needs all of her energy for.

"It's not her fault." he doesn't seem willing to give up much more than that and Lily allows a bout of pity to rush through her at how miserable he looks as she turns back to focus on Regulus instead.

"These are deep." she mutters, not really to anyone, but as a simple observation.

"I managed to stem the bleeding." she looks back up to the girl talking, taking in her pale form, but rather than the shock that is evident on Sirius' face, causing his shaky limbs and overall reaction, the other girl looks drained.

Lily looks over her again, shocked she didn't do so immediately with how much time she had spent unconsciously monitoring the other girl, and simply appreciating her before this, whilst still forcibly stopping herself enough so as not to come across as creepy.

Pandora isn't shaking, isn't eerily still either, in fact she seems to have maintained her scarily good ability to control her body and features into a more neutral position. However, she is pale, frighteningly so, and she has her own cut on the shoulder of her shirt, blood crusted on the sleeve slightly, and she can't tell if the other girl knows, or simply doesn't care.

At the realisation that the other girl is injured and Lily somehow didn't clock it, she looks over the rest of the girl’s body quickly, yet with a much more careful gaze.

She sees the burns on her hands, her lip bitten red, she sees how part of her clothes are still soaked through.

"I'll take it from here." she cuts her voice in, much calmer this time, as she decides to take it on herself to not only help the two unconscious bodies in the room, but to also help the two in the room with her- talking- yet still looking on the verge of collapse.  

"I can help-" the protest from the other girl is immediate, and Lily immediately argues back.

"No, you are draining yourself and it is evident. I'll get the boys through the worst of it and then I'll help you two-"

"I'm fine."

"Pandora-"

"Lily."

They level each other with a look for a moment before the third voice cuts in again.

"It's fine, Reggie and Prongs are worse off anyway, and that's going to drain you enough without you focusing on us too Lils."

"But-" she tries, barely getting a word out before she is being cut off again.

"No, I have enough energy to fix my leg. And then everything else can wait, or heal itself, just help them."

"I am." she argues back quickly, because it's true, the entire time they've been going back and forth in their verbal sparring she has been monitoring and fixing and assessing the boys back to the best health she can in the little time she's had so far. "I need help though, this is too much-“

“No.” and it’s Pandora that cuts her off this time, and when Lily allows herself a split second to look away from the boys, she catches sight of the girls face and how set it is.

“Pandora,” she starts placatingly, because she likes the other girl, she does not want to snap, but she is not risking the boys to preserve their relationship.

“I said no. Everyone who knows what is going on is in this room, no more.”

“What about Remus?” she tries, but it’s Sirius that cuts her off this time.

“No, he’s not getting involved.”

“Not even to save your brother and your best friend?” her frustration rises in confusion, she knows how protective the other boy is over the werewolf, but against Regulus and James? Surely not?

Evidently Sirius is going through the same confusion, she watches as his face twists in fear before his gaze flicks to Pandora.

“Not even Remus.” The blonde confirms, looking at the other boy for a second longer, some sort of weird understanding passing between them, before she looks back to Lily.

“Do you want them to die?” she spits out, getting desperate now as she keeps running spell after spell over the two boys, focusing on healing the biggest wounds first, trusting Pandoras lingering spells to continue stemming the bleeding, trusting her spells to keep them warm. Trying to let her mind analyse, to handle the potion still in Regulus’ system without breaking her concentration in her current spells or the argument.

“They aren’t going to die.” Pandoras response is calm, relaxed, almost rehearsed and it sends an uncomfortable itch up her spine.

“You know, one day,” she steps forward slightly, levelling up with the other girl, a glare set into her features, her fear for the boys clouding over her affection for the girl in front of her in mere seconds, “you’re going to be wrong.”

“I won’t.”

“And in the meantime? You’re willing to bet with their lives to keep a secret?”

“There is no bet, they are breathing, if they were going to die, it would have happened in the cave already.”

“You’re careless.”

“I’m practical.”

She rolls her eyes, pouring some more effort into Regulus as she reaches one of the deeper cuts in his leg, trying to assess any nerve damage whilst stitching it up quickly before he can start bleeding out again.

When she is sure it is ok, she lifts her head and turns back to Sirius, “Well?” she asks, turning to her old friend, turning to the person who cares about the two on the bed more than most, “do you agree with her?”

She watches his uncomfortable glance between the two girls, so out of character, his eyes switching around, bouncing to the bed and back, “If you start to struggle we’ll get someone.” He answers, a middle ground, a political answer, and it’s all so unsirius that Lily wants to scream.

“Both of you get out.” She states calmly, eyes back on the boys, avoiding the gazes of the other two, unable to face them for fear of lashing out.

“Lils-“ she hears Sirius start to talk up behind her but she cuts him off.

“Get out or I swear they won’t be the only two who need a doctor.”

“Lily-“ he tries again, he always tries, because Sirius Black doesn’t know when to stop.

“Do not test me.”

“Please-“

“If I loose it on you, and we are still only allowed ‘one doctor’” she spits the last part mockingly, “I will not be wasting my skills on you.”

The room stills at that, a true level of animosity none of them are used from her, taking over before she hears the door shut behind her and she lets herself fall into focus on the bodies in front of her once more, trying to analyse Regulus, get a look into his system, an understanding.

A while later when she is still holed up in the room, glowing symbols floating in front of her, a constant force of monitoring of the boys able to happen in the background whilst she focuses on reading book after book to try and gain insight into the potion Regulus took, she feels her mind slipping to another dark haired boy with a proclivity for potions.

In doing so, her thoughts of Severus gradually become filled with a small a desire to have him here, to help. She is skilled at potions, proficient even, but she is nothing on Snape. Because whilst she kept herself split in her skills, letting all her subjects pull her in every other direction, becoming a master in all, but the best in few. Snape poured all of himself into potions.

And she wonders, just whether he would come if she called, whether he would help if she asked, whether he could care about the boys on the bed, even in the slightest, if she asked him to.

Her mind keeps wondering as the door creaks open behind her.

“Get out.” She protests immediately, not in the mood to argue, and her voice weaking in admission of that fact.

“I bought you some food.”

She turns the page of her book ignoring the voice, hoping it’ll leave if she tries hard enough.

“Lily, please.” The voice breaks the silence again, a more desperate edge to it this time.

“Go away Sirius.”

It goes silent for a moment, and she thinks he may leave, the sound of a door closing, but then there are footsteps walking into the room, and to the opposite side of the bed to her.

She forces her head up slowly, it taking a bit more energy with both the physical and magical exhaustion beginning to set in.

She opens her mouth to tell him to leave, again. When she catches sight of his face, it’s reddened and there are dried tear tracks below his eyes, she watches as he lifts a hand, grasping Regulus’ in his own so he can start to trace circles on the younger boys wrist, almost as if he could work a stronger pulse into him by shear force.

They sit in silence for a moment, Lily watching Sirius, Sirius watching James. Sirius holding Regulus.

“Why didn’t you let me get help?” she asks, so tired.

“I don’t want to put more people at risk.” Is his simple reply, but the concern lingering in his eyes says so much more.

“Sirius-“

“I would’ve.”

She stops and goes silent waiting for him to continue.

“I would’ve gotten them help, if they’d really needed it.” She watches as his hand tightens on Regulus’ wrist slightly and she works her way around the bed to peel his hand off of the other boy, lifting it to place it back on Regulus’ chest, letting him feel the steady rise and fall beneath his fingers.

“I would’ve.” He tries again, his voice feeble and breaking.

“I know.” she offers back, sitting next to him and watching Regulus as Sirius watches James, lets them take care of one each, even if their gaze helps no one but themselves.

“Where’s Pandora?” she tries breaching the silence after they have been sat there for a while.

“She crashed, she’s drained.”

“This is why we need another doctor.” She offers again, her voice weaker in its argument this time, but arguing none the less.

Sirius finally looks at her, “We can’t.”

“I know.”

They let that sit with them for a while, festering between them as they both get lost in their own heads, minds locked in on the boys before them.

“Are they going to be ok?” his voice breaks the silence again, seemingly getting weaker with every passing moment.

“Yeah.” She forces her voice steady, but by the hand moving to grip her arm, she knows the hesitation slipped through.

“We’ll call someone, if we need to.” he offers once more, eyes still unwavering from the bed even as he offers her the small support he can.

“Ok.”

She sits with that small comfort lingering between them.

So many people at school, so many Gryffindors thought her and Sirius bonded so much for the distance between them and their siblings. Probably thought the two had an understanding of the each other’s struggles. They didn’t. Never did really. The students never understood just how close the brothers were. Weren’t aware how Lily ached every time she saw the two of them together, something akin to jealousy coursing through her at the loss of her own sister, her own flesh and blood, due to something the measliest bit different in their DNA. People didn’t realise just how much Lily understood, not the older brother, but the younger one, Regulus.

She has thought it over a thousand times, the bond everyone expected her to have with Sirius, the fact they do have  it, just not for the reasons they expected. But sitting here now, watching her two friends lay still before her, she feels that kind of understanding with Sirius, the kind everyone always thought they had.

“Why does Pandora not care?” she lets the question slip out, because the other girl had seemed so cold earlier, and so unlike her.

“I think she cares more than most people.” The other boy offers calmly, so out of himself that Lily lets the weird truce between the other two wash over her, their new found support and civility, she leaves it for herself to question later.

“Then why doesn’t she do something?”

“She did,” she turns her head to look at Sirius, tilting her neck slightly in confusion, “she called you.”

“What?” her voice sounds slightly breathless, and so unlike her she pauses for a moment, only a moment, but Sirius takes that as his opportunity to speak.

“She’s like my brother sometimes, doesn’t like calling reinforcements, risking people who don’t need to be risked, who are safe. Slytherin quality really,” he laughs slightly, voice breaking, “she called you, that was her caring.”

“I don’t-“

“She cares about you, she didn’t want to call you, she would never want to, but she did, because she cares.”

Lily sits with that for a minute, stumped in thought, “She cares?”

“Too much, it makes her kind of stupid.” The other boy snorts and she turns to see him looking at her with an amused smile on his face.

“She cares.” She says it again, more conviction this time, feeling the words on her lips.

“Mhmm.” She hears the laughter barely concealed in the other boys agreement.

“She couldn’t have just said that?” she cuts out, exasperated.

“Slytherin.” Is all she gets in simple reply, and they both break down laughing.

****

When she wakes up her mouth is dry and she is in desperate need of water.

She stumbles up from the armchair she had fallen asleep on, peeling the book off her legs and trying to find where she lost her place before falling asleep, when she does she sets it down and stumbles into the kitchen.

She is greeted pretty quickly by the sound of bickering, but it cuts off as soon as she stumbles into view, so she doesn’t really get the chance to listen in.

“Morning.” She hears the voice before her eyes become clear enough to see it, and she squints slightly to see Sirius sat at the kitchen counter.

“Mmm.” She hums in reply, not in the mood to do much more, she never really has been a morning person, and she is feeling so very drained it has only amplified her hatred for early starts.

Don’t get her wrong, she loves being up early, she just hates waking up early.

“I’m going to go sit with the boys.” She watches Sirius jump up from his seat, giving her shoulder a squeeze as he walks by her, she nods blearily before plopping herself into the seat he had just vacated.

She barely gets a minute to decompress before another voice is cutting in from the side, a hesitant edge to it, and she tilts her head until her gaze falls on the blonde girl beside her.

“Eggs?”

That’s all it takes for her to wake up quickly, like thinking you’d overslept, she jerks up slightly into sitting position before levelling a forced calm gaze at the girl beside her.

“I’m not that hungry.” She offers, before her traitorous stomach grumbles and she internally curses herself.

Pandora doesn’t call her out on it however, she merely moves around towards the kettle on the side and calls out an offer for coffee instead.

In an attempt to not look like a complete idiot, she accepts it quickly before redirecting her gaze out the window where she can see how the sun had already clearly risen.

“How long was I asleep?”

“10 hours or so I think?” the other girl offers quietly, still fussing around with the eccentric teacups before her, “I’m not sure, Sirius waited with you most of the night until I woke up, then he came to chat with me.”

“And you?” she watches the girl tilt her head in confusion at Lilys question, “How are you?”

“Less drained.”

Lilys feels just how stilted the conversation is wash over her and, completely stumped in this trainwreck, she doesn’t try very well to get out of it, “Has Sirius slept?”

“No.”

“He needs to.”

“I don’t think he can.” The other girls voice is ever so slightly soft, it’s barely there, but when talking about Sirius, any softness in the girls voice might as well be her clinging onto him in a tight hug.

“You two friends now?”

“Oh, no.” the other girl laughs slightly at the suggestion and Lily feels her brows furrowing.

“Why not?”

“We clash.”

“I can see that.” she doesn’t offer much more than that, stubborn that after last night, if Pandora wants a proper conversation, she has to lead it.

It goes silent in the kitchen for a moment, a moment too long really, but Lily is nothing if not stubborn.

“We just disagree.”

“Because you’re similar.” She responds evenly.

“I guess, we care about the same things, but we care about them in very different ways.”

“Mmm.” She grabs the coffee Pandora offers her and sips on it slowly with a hum, “What about me?”

“What about you?”

“Well Sirius cares about me.” She leads.

“He does.”

“And he seems to think that you care about me too.”

“I wouldn’t call him wrong.” The blonde offers, a delicate smile on her lips that she seems unsure of but offers nonetheless, her face a picture of innocence that anyone who knows her would know is a lie.

“Is that why you think you cared last night?  Because you care about me and you still called me for Regs sake?”

“And James’.”

“But you had a priority.”

The other girl pauses slightly before a slight smile graces her lips, and despite her hesitance, Lily wants to trace it, “That I did. But calling someone I care about to save Regulus wasn’t me caring.”

“Then what-“

“Not calling anyone was me caring.”

“I don’t understand.” Lily responds immediately, not a second thought about any repercussions for what not knowing something could mean. No doubt as she goes to offer up that information about herself, information that she doesn’t know everything.

She can’t tell if it’s because it’s Pandora, or because she is tired.

“Because you weren’t raised the way I was.” Lily goes to open her mouth, to voice her confusion once more, but Pandora keeps going, softening slightly and leaning forward to grab Lilys hand, sending tingles all over her body,

“I wanted to call for help. I wanted to call everyone, I wanted to call Barty and Evan and Dorcas. I wanted all of them, I was…scared.” she watches the other girl pause slightly, her own battle happening behind her eyes before she seems to come to a conclusion and powers on,  “I was terrified really, I can’t lose him. But calling people in, spreading the circle of knowledge, that puts him at risk. His life wasn’t in imminent danger, calling for help  might’ve made it so.”

“But you trust your friends?” Lilys brow furrows, not quite understanding the situation at hand. Pandora wanted to call Dorcas, who for all intents and purposes could be considered Pandoras enemy, this can’t be about trust.

“I trust them more than I trust myself.” The other girls responds gently, “But we all understand trust isn’t enough, in a world full of magic, there are other ways to get information, even out of the most stubborn people.”

“You thought you were protecting him.” Lily offers slowly, working her way to a conclusion.

“Yes.”

“I don’t think you were.”

“I know.” Pandoras smile lessens slightly, but it doesn’t disappear, almost as if she was expecting this reaction, understands this reaction, but will not offer anything else up simply because of this reaction.

“I’m not sure what to do now.” She admits sheepishly, her determination faltering.

“I get that.”

“I need a minute.” She says this with a slight renewed confidence, letting her stubborn nature guide her through.

“Take a million.” The voice she hears is soft, so soft. One would think you would need harsh words to break a barrier down, after all you need a hammer for a wall. But Pandoras voice is feather light, finding all of the cracks in her armour and wiggling its way through, weakening her resolve.

She turns to walk away, fighting her determination back into place, to keep a tight hold, and she goes to move, back to the room, back to her books, when the voice behind her rings out once more.

“And Lily?”

“Yeah?” she turns slightly, locking eyes with the other girl.

“Dorcas is an enemy, yes, but she is so much more than that.”

“You trust her.”

“Too much.” Before she can ask, the other girl turns away from her and heads to the library on the other side of the house.