Give up your nights, Dig your graves.

Understanding someone is going through pain versus watching it is vastly different.

Understanding hurts. You want to stop it, your mind runs wild. A flurry of extremities. Pain dramatized. And you don't know how true your thoughts are. You don’t know what someone is truly experiencing.

He thought nothing could be worse than his own mind, his own creation of pain, his own understanding when others, especially those he cares about, are in pain.

But that's before he learnt what it is to watch.

It started with Moony on the moons, the cracking of the bones piercing his ears and heart every single time in equal measure.

His empathy skyrocketing even when he could dissociate the pain slightly to the wolf, remind himself Remus wouldn't remember everything in the morning.

It raised when Sirius arrived crumpled on his doorstep. A shaking mess, a pile of blood and bones that James had to watch and hope for as he waited for him to be put back together again, his terror only spiking further when James heard the boy muttering about his brother, the realisation he was left behind.

The fear of finding Regulus on the floor of that bathroom, spending a week trying to understand what had happened, the understanding that eventually dawned on him when he got the whole story breaking his heart all over again.

So yes, he has understood pain before, he has watched it.

But this?

Watching Regulus shake on the floor, screams ripping free from his lungs that he doesn't seem to know he's letting out, not able to dissociate him in his mind to another person. Not able to just deal with the aftermath, letting his mind wonder freely, dangerously, to all the possibilities of what happened before his friend came before him, a heap on the floor.

No, he is watching Regulus, his wide eyes open, his body shaking, and he is shoving another scoop of the potion down his throat.

He is causing the screams to increase at every moment, he is causing the pain, and the tears.

He is causing the worst pain he has ever seen.

And it hurts.

He would question if it hurt him more than it hurt Regulus, but the screams, the tears, the perfect composure cracked could never let him seriously consider that for even a moment.

This was the worst moment of James' life, and it could only be hurting him a fraction of how it is hurting Regulus.

This is the worst day of James’ life, and he reckons, if he asked, if Regulus was honest, he would learn this is maybe the other boys top 5.

But this? This was the worst for James.

Someone was suffering, and he was causing it.

Someone he cared about was hurt, and he was the source of their pain.

Not Voldemort, the one who made this stupid potion to start with.

Not Kreacher, who let Regulus in on the secret.

Not Sirius, who left his brother in that house where he could have responsibilities dropped on his shoulders one after the other.

No.

They were merely catalysts, James is the problem.

He is the one gripping Regulus' jaw to spew poison down his throat.

He is the one holding his mouth shut to make him swallow.

He is the cause of the bruises lining the other boys cheeks from how hard he is gripping him to stop him from spilling the liquid as he fails around.

Flails around in pain.

The pain James is causing him.

And yet he does it.

Again..

And again..

And again...

He pulls Regulus down as he tries to lift himself up.

He grabs his chin when his head is making too much movement to get the potion down his throat.

He stops the boy as he starts to clamber towards the water, a look of desperation in his eyes. And James can't help but wonder again, what on earth is going through the boys head.

It must be more than pain, simple agony.

He clearly has a thought, whether logical or not, he is clearly expressing a desire to move to the water, he wants to be there.

Regulus said going into this that he may hallucinate, see things that aren't there, say things.

All these warnings so the others wouldn’t worry, or wouldn't worry too much.

Now that they're here?

It's overwhelming.

Because what hallucinating has him craving the water, wanting it so desperately?  

Is the thirst striking him already? The one that led to Kreacher nearly being pulled under by the Inferi.

Is it a desperation for the pain to stop?

Can he even see the water? Is there something else there enticing him?

What is going inside the boys head? If he could just look, know, or even take the pain. It would be a million times better.

But James doesn't deserve better.

No.

Not when Regulus is struggling.

Just when the bruises are starting to bloom strong on the other boys jaw, he finds himself with another dose of potion in his hand, and a decision of whether to grip the bruises to get the potion down his throat, or grab somewhere else on his face, lessen the pain slightly, and leave more markings of this terrible night than he would ever want to.

He grips a new space on the other boys face and pours, guilt racing through his body in waves. But he pushes it away, he doesn’t deserve his own pity.

Not when Regulus is starting to flail around, screaming again. That is, if he ever stopped.  His mouth open in an empty scream, his voice having fully cut out.

No, James doesn't deserve the slight piece of mind his own guilt could bring, not when he allowed himself to be talked into this.

Not when he knew there was no method to the madness, just Regulus being a self-sacrificing idiot, despite what he called James.

Not when he agreed to this to 'get it over with'.

If this was getting it over with he’d much rather subject himself to a state of worry and limbo for years than watch Regulus go through this for a single other moment.

But, well as much as he would like to make that an option, it isn't.

So he pours another bout of the potion down the other boys throat, shoving his discomfort away as the boy squirms and cries, even his sobs starting to silence, any ability to create sound seemingly ripped from the other boy.

He can’t feel guilty, not now at least.

Not now when he needs to be here for him, especially when this is over, when he needs to be available.

He needs to prioritise.

He needs to prioritise Regulus.

Regulus wants him to prioritize the potions.

So he shoots another shot of it down his throat.

Again.

And again.

And again, until his hands are shaking nearly as bad as the body he is trying to hold up.

He only lets go slightly when he watches the other boy move with struggled determination towards the pillar in the middle of the island.

He pauses a moment, confusion passing over him at the sudden switch in determination.

The need for safety when all along he has been crawling away from it confuses James more than anything.

The crawl to the pillar, to safety, instead of the water which he had been trying to reach this whole time.

Surely if anything, over time, Regulus should desire the urge to give in more.

The need to remove himself of the pain. It should be stronger. He should be more likely to want the water.  

And here he is, weakened, trembling, edging towards salvation.

Stumbling as if on a downward slope when walking up.

Stumbling as if-

As if-

As if he thinks he's going to the water.

Hallucinations are likely, he remembered Regulus voice, distinct and calm, cutting through orders, situations, like it was nothing.

Hallucinations...

Does-  his own thoughts cut off as he watches the boy stumble to a stop, whirling his head around wildly, a lost look in his eyes as he takes in his surroundings.

He reaches out a hand to stabilise the other boy, watching him rip away from his grip with a whimper, swaying with the quick movement, and James forces himself to give the other boy a chance to stabilise. To not reach out and help, to hurt.

Not to hurt, because that seems to be all he's good for right now, fraying the other boys nerve endings and then pressing on them.

Hurt.

He watches the other boy turn slowly, facing him once more, brows furrowed in confusion before something akin to relief and then worry flutters across his face.

James could almost laugh ,if he wasn't so heartbroken at the sight before him, the ordeal they had both been through, he probably would.

Of course Regulus would worry for someone else right now, his shield shattered, his emotions raw on his face, of course he isn’t concerned about himself, what he just made James put him through.

He watches as the other boys eyes dart to his hand, where it is resting against his side, some reflex spasming it to move, even as it barely lifts an inch.

Regulus' eyes dart back to his face, assessing.

James realises he is crying, his cool composure he told himself he would have for the other boy nowhere in sight.

"You're back."

He mutters it under his breath, so quiet, but Regulus clearly heard, the words seemingly cutting the last strings holding the other boy upright as Regulus falls onto him.

His arms wrap around the smaller form quickly, holding him tight.

I'm not letting you go again. He knows he has no right.

No claim of the boy in front of him.

But does he really need one to look out for him, to keep him safe?

Is it really up to Regulus if he puts his life on the line for the other boy.

Regulus may say it is so, but Regulus is a hypocrite, and James would gladly ignore him to keep him safe.

He commits that memory in his mind, the memory of what they- of what Regulus has just been through.  

Allows the pain of the cave to flit through him once more - he is not letting it happen again, and the memory of the pain wont let him.

And then he banishes all the bad thoughts from his mind.

Just enough to hold it together, not enough to ever let him forget the ordeal they went through, his agreement to himself, and why such a thought was so important, but enough to allow himself to be useful in this moment.

"Reg?" he tries again, talking softly towards the other boy as he keeps his body frozen in place. Unwilling to jostle or make uncomfortable or any other bad action towards Regulus right now... Or ever.

The other boy shifts slightly in recognition before noticeably repressing a wince.

"Ok, don't move.” He offers quickly, trying to still the other boys movement with just his voice, “We're just going to take a minute, yeah?" he continues to talk in soothing tones, like one might treat a child, a tone that Regulus would undoubtably snap at him for if he had the capacity.

But he doesn't, and that hurts.

James wants Regulus to snap at him.

"Th-s-y" a broken voice breaks between their bodies, so fragile and raw James heart breaks with it.

He briefly wonders just how many times one's heart can break, if this feeling will ever stop, if he'll ever be dealt as much heartbreak in one go as he had in this evening.

People hurting hurts.

It is just fact of life. For James at least.

That person being Regulus, his Regulus. His... friend.. they should be allowed to be considered friends, he made that challenge to himself ages ago, and fuck him if he doesn't think he's accomplished it.

That person being Regulus.

Hurts.

He didn't know just how much until he was cradling the boy in his arms, eerily still, so unlike his usual self, just to keep the boy at ease.

"Thirsty?" he asks, after taking a second to mull the broken words over, not willing to get it wrong and force Regulus to use his voice more than he needs to.

He reaches into his pocket, pulling out a water bottle, uncapping it swiftly and holding it out to the other boy in silent offering.

The slight movement from manovering the bottle causes Regulus to look up at the offering without any probing.

He reaches a shaky hand out, slipping a little as he goes to clutch it, and James, reluctantly, holds onto it.

"Wh-"

"You're going to drop it and it's all I have, I don't think this cave of death will take kindly to replenishing spells or aguamenti." he offers, unsure if it's true but unwilling to test it all the same.

His response rewards him an eyeroll. And although he looks reluctant, Regulus concedes all the same, still raising a slight hand under the appearance of helping to guide the bottle, when James could only feel it for what it was, a dead weight.

Not that he'd tell Regulus that, if the other boy is willing to drink, that's all the better for him.

He pours the water slowly even as he feels Regulus try to nudge the bottle quicker, clearly desperate for some form of hydration even if it's makes him sick.

But James, friend of the abused, son of a medic, forces the water flow to slow down, much to the other boys chagrin, and let's it drip feed Regulus back to the slightest form of health mere water can offer.

After he has had a decent amount of the water, they both take another minute to rest. James refusing to push the other boy any faster than necessary even as he knows the longer they hang around in Voldemort’s domain the more risky it is likely to become.

The longer they leave Sirius outside, the more worried he will be.

He has a quick look down to the boy still within his hold and tries to determine if Sirius would be more or less worried than he is now if he were to see Regulus in this state.

Determining the answer is more the longer they are away, he tries to come up with a mental gameplan to move the two of them towards the boat and back to the other two waiting outside, when Regulus seems to sense his eyes still on him and twists his head to look up, brows furrowed in concern, before widening in shock slightly, and composing again as he pulls away quickly from James’ body, seemingly trying to mutter an apology under his breath, but no words effectively coming out.

The younger boy opens his mouth, clearly readying himself to try and speak again, when no sound comes out and he instead huffs in frustration, immediately wincing after.

James raises his hands towards the other boy, trying to get him to stop, before pausing at the other boys flinch.

“Sorry.”

The apology receives no response, as expected, Regulus merely proceeding to wave a hand slightly in forgiveness whilst still rolling his eyes.

“Do you want to wait longer, or go to the boat.”

He watches the other boys eyes zone out temporarily, calculation taking over his face, eyes zoning back in to roam over James’ form before looking away again, a frustrated grunt falling from his lips that James supresses the urge to laugh at.

Cute as it is, he is still hurt, and they are still in a death cave.

Not the time.

He watches as the other boy seems to come to some sort of reluctant decision, and nods his head towards the boat, shifting his legs slightly from where they are underneath him as if to move towards the boat in question.

“Reg-“ he tries, voice faltering slightly as the other boy levels a glare at him in challenge.

But, as much as he misses it, Regulus doesn’t have his voice- can’t speak, and he takes advantage of that minimal loss of intimation (because his stare could easily be deadly), in order to keep his own voice and fight for Regulus’ own bodily safety.

“Regulus,” he tries again, meeting the stare head on, accepting his fate to wither and die if Regulus is so capable, in order to keep the boy safe, like he said he would, “you could barely lift your hand, do you really think you can move to the boat by yourself.”

The glare directed at him intensifies, when he doesn’t relent the other boys gaze darts towards the boat in question, seemingly assessing the distance and his options.

He sits back down, glare still in place, apparently content to wait it out.

And that, that won’t do.

“Look,” he tries, again, “I want to do this at your pace, but Sirius and Pandora are out there, they are probably worried, and this place is a death trap that you are not equipped to deal with right now.”

An eyebrow raise and a slight hand gesture towards Regulus’ own body with an ,admittedly slightly less shaky, hand has James continuing.

“Yes, I know you have handled it.” He concedes quickly, “But the fact that you had to so gives the cave an advantage over you now, one we don’t want it to use.” He argues back quickly, attempting to stifle his joy at being able to communicate in Regulus.

The other boy can see into his head- quite literally- and he can too, just in a different way.

Except when Regulus used his skill to help get James through a death eater meeting, James will be using his to keep Regulus well, or at least… not worse.

“So, I can carry you,” the appalled look on Regulus’ face was truly too much to resist this time as he lets out a huff of laughter, “Or,” he attempts to continue on and get his breathing under control, “I can act as a crutch to you walking. But we are doing one of the two, so don’t try fight it.” He tacks on the order at the end, trying his best to take away Regulus’ wiggle room in options, knowing that if the other boy got his voice back too soon he may so easily cave to the younger boys demands of letting him attempt to walk on his own, which may result in him falling in the water.

Not happening.

Eventually the boy seems to relent (which James can tell through his eyeroll- he really is getting good at Reggienese as he has decided to call it), and James leans down to put his shoulder under the other boys armpit, wrapping an arm around his waist.

“See, I’m essentially just your charming assistant now, nothing wrong with that.” he teases, attempting to give Regulus some semblance of control even as he can feel himself carrying most of the other boys weight.

Still, the quip earns him an eyeroll, which he takes as a win seeing as he cant get one of those snarky remarks right now.

They keep progressing towards the boat until they reach where it had been docked, tied to the island carefully and tightly by Regulus’ own hand, and James lowers Regulus down to the ground so he can begin to unravel the impressive knotwork, curious as to how Regulus accomplished it without a wand.

Another thing to ask Regulus about in regards to his potential affinity for muggles later.

“Right,” he grunts out, lifting his body out of his crouched position he’s stuck himself in before moving back towards where the other boy is still sat, looking up at him, an assessing look in his eye, “No falling in.”

He is greeted with yet another eyeroll (is it normal that he views each one as a personal achievement?) and begins to move forward to scoop the other boy up so he is positioned over one of his arms again.

They make their way towards the boat, much slower this time as they are near to the water’s edge, and James gently removes one arm from around the other boy so he can guide him more clearly into the boat in question.

“Careful.” He mutters under his breath, too focused on both of their footwork to see how Regulus is responding.

The other boy lifts one leg slightly, hovering it so he can bring it up and over one of the edges of the boat to place it down.

When he is securely in with one foot, James removes the younger boys arm from around his neck, using it to stabilise the boy in question as he moves fully into the boat with slightly less grace than earlier.

Once in, James makes to move around the edge of the boat, finding another purchase to climb into, with much more caution this time as he doesn’t have Regulus to save him, and begins his own boarding of the boat.

With one foot in the boat, that is where it all goes wrong.

He looks up to see just where Regulus has seated himself, when a slight wave pushes at the boat causing him to lose his balance.

Something like fear immediately flits across the Slytherins features, causing him to be up and out of his seat, adjusting James and securing his position, some apparent bout of adrenaline allowing himself to move up with little restrictions and grab onto James quickly.

Once James is steady again, one foot insight the boat, the adrenaline seems to wear, the pain coursing back through Regulus’ face as he seems to shake and tip sideways towards the edge of the boat.

Falling,

Falling,

Falling,

Before James can think it through, his chaser instincts are kicking in, his Gryffindor instincts, the ones his mum warned him against, the ones she was so worried about.

All he sees is Regulus falling, and his mind goes tunnel vision.

He throws himself forward, unable to fully control his momentum and direction due to his unfamiliarity with the boat he is barely stood on.

He grabs Regulus as his own body jerks forward, pushing the other boy down, down onto the boat, hearing the smack of a body falling and hitting the wood.

As that sound reverberates through his mind, his vision falls back into focus, and all he can see is the water he is falling towards as he crosses the other side of the boat, having launched himself across and over it.

The water hit his skin like ice.

Far colder than the raging sea outside, yet more burning than any feeling he could remember.

He felt it all over him, enveloping, for only a second before the first hand was on his arm.

It felt skeletal, the bones digging in with a strength unequal to the body it possessed.

Claws scraped down his skin, pulling on it, grating away until he could see the water around him filtered red from where he had opened his eyes to let it burn into his vision.

He felt more hands grip his skin, one after the other, pulling him down into the water, further, further.

His legs kicking at the abyss of water surrounding him, everything so dark, being pulled in so many directions he couldn't tell which way was up, couldn't see which direction was free.

But he kicked, all or nothing so he kicked.

His lungs starting to burn, the threat of suffocating on water, the threat of drowning overwhelming.

And he kicked.

He kicked and kicked and kicked until a spark of red rushed over the water, not the red of his blood, which slowly faded in, diluted, and then got stronger again.

Not a faint red, blackened by the darkness surrounding him.

No it was a shock of red, blasting fast across the water above him.

He took the direction as up.

He kicked again and again, watching a row of Inferi drift back a bit in the water, fast, as if fleeing.

The thing they are feeling from.

He kicks towards it.

The fleeing Inferi cause a wave of reprieve closer to the surface allowing James' head to break above it, gasping in struggling breaths. Trying to dart his eyes around, he looked for the other boy, trying to assure himself he was still in the boat, still safe, all the while kicking and flailing, all of his muscles straining as he tried to pull away from the bodies trying to drown him.

A bang echoes across the cave, shaking it, the loose rocks falling slightly in its wake, in his shock he manages to slip below the surface again, once more holding his breath, allowing the water to burn his eyes as he hopes for the red fire to burn again, keep him aware of which way is up.

He keeps watching, waiting.

Any signa of life, of direction, one more rumble floods through the cave, except, instead of targeting everywhere, he can feel it pulsating through the water, big splashes as Inferi are thrown into the air, some falling back down onto him, others being flung to the side. He takes the moment he has to break the surface, breathing through the stinging that’s piercing his lungs, his skin.

His eyes dart around once more the second he gets even a smidge of control over his own body, nearly immediately he finds the boat, an empty boat.

His chest starts to lurch, fear gripping his heart, the beats speeding up, but the oxygen declining.

He can’t breathe.

He sees Regulus on the floor of the island, bleeding out, lying unconscious. Alone.

James cant get to him. He feels himself pulled below the waves before he manages to break free again, eyes immediately locked onto the other boy, waiting, like he never stopped looking. Like he could see him even below the water.

He’s sat up this time, his mouth open in a silent scream he cant seem to release. The other boys eyes are locked on James’ the second he breaks the water again. His eyes are steely, not breaking focus even as James hears a commotion breaking out somewhere to his side. They keep the eye contact until James feels ropes, flaring out of nothing, shooting out and wrapping around him.

They’re lifting him up, not far enough away from the water to keep his legs away from the grip of the Inferi, but enough that he feels himself moving. Toeing the water as he lets out a scream moving further and further away from the island. From Regulus.

Regulus who is starting to fade.

Regulus who is starting to fall.

Regulus who is bleeding.

He feels the invisible ropes pulling at his skin as he tries to fight back, feels for where the ropes are holding him so he can tear them off his skin. His grip fails every time. His fight useless. But he doesn’t stop. He never learnt how.

“Regulus!” he feels himself screaming as he drifts further and further away to the entrance of the cave, he brings his hands to his throat, clawing at it when he realises he is not the one who let out a scream.

He turns around as he is finally let away from the ropes hold to meet Sirius’s terrified face.