Thursday 29th June 1978.
Lilys Pov-
“What?”
“I want you to not join the Order of the Phoenix.” Lily pleads.
“But we’ve all already agreed.”
“It’s not a contract, you are not obligated to that man.”
“You mean Dumbledore?”
“Yes, him. You don’t owe him anything.”
“I know I don’t, but, don’t you think we owe it to people like us to fight, to the future muggleborns who are going to be targeted in this new world the death eaters want?”
“We owe it to them to fight, we don’t owe it to them for the fighting to be under Dumbledore.”
“What other option do we have?”
“Follow me.”
Mary stares at her in the same state of confusion she had been in for the past 5 minutes, sat in their dorm room, all sat cross legged on Lilys bed as Marlenes head whipped back and forth looking between the two of them, as if it was an entertaining tennis match, not Lily begging her friends to leave this man’s side of a war that she has absolutely no faith in.
Not Lily trying to keep her friends safe, trying to keep their trust.
Lily would be offended if Marlene hadn’t already agreed the second she asked them to trust her. “I need you both to trust me, I have an idea.” “Well that’s easy Lils.”
She had agreed immediately, no explanation, no nothing needed. She has seen the confusion lacing her features as she asked them to turn their back on Dumbledore, asked them to follow her into war. But she hadn’t objected it, not even for a second.
She was always an act first, ask questions later kind of person. And Lily would appreciate that right now, for how easy it was to get her friend on board, if she wasn’t so worried it would get them killed one day.
Mary on the other hand, hasn’t seemed to grasp exactly what Lily is asking of them.
Well she has, she’s not dumb. She just seems incredibly lost on why Lily is asking this of them.
“I just don’t understand,” Mary starts again, their argument reverting back to the beginning, “Why don’t you trust him?”
Ah, this is where it gets difficult. How does she explain that she thinks the man is recruiting people too young to one of his youngest recruits. How does she explain he is willing to risk Remus’ life by sending him to the werewolves when she doesn’t know he is one himself. How does she explain that her friends are joining the death eaters because they have a plan, when she can’t risk the plan getting out?
It’s not that she doesn’t trust Mary, she does, with her life. Marlene too.
But the more people that know, the more people who will go up on a potential death eaters target list. The more people that know, the more risk of it getting talked about, and overheard.
And she won’t risk her friends, they are running straight into the snake pit headfirst and she won’t risk them being found out when they can’t get out.
So she goes for the best answer she can give.
“Mary,” she grabs the other girls hands, looking in her eyes, imploring her to understand with only her gaze, before grabbing Marlenes hand too, connecting them all together, sticking together, hopefully, “I can’t explain everything, I just, need you to trust me. That’s all I’m asking, just trust me.”
She watches as the other girls eyes soften, her hands tighten around Lilys, “I trusted Sirius. I trusted Sirius and James, and they just-“ her voice breaks off quickly as she looks away, but Lily squeezes her hand straight back, drawing Marys gaze back to hers, her eyes now soft.
“We’re muggleborns Lils, and they just- they announced their allegience to people who want to hunt us for sport, I’m sorry if trust is coming hard to me right now.”
Lily swallows heavily, the amount of things she has stopped being able to talk to her friends about in the past 24hrs is overwhelming. She knows the boys haven’t betrayed them, she knows they are in fact doing the most out of everyone to save them, and the fact that she can’t tell her friends that hurts.
The fact that she had to hold Mary last night as she sobbed herself to sleep, had to listen to Marlenes rants and insults about the boys she trust more than life itself.
The fact that she knows they are risking everything when if they wanted they could easily join whichever side of the war is winning and live, the fact she knows this and has to watch her friendship group fall apart, it hurts more than anything.
Well, anything except losing her friends, and that is why she is keeping her mouth shut. She will not put her friends at more risk than they already are.
Never.
So she tries another tactic.
“I know they hurt you.”
“Hurt her?” and it’s Marlene this time, scoffing, speaking up for the first time since she agreed to trust Lily. The anger now back and blazing in her eyes. “They fucking betrayed us all, I fucking trusted them, we trusted them. Trusted Potter, and now he’s what? Following his friend back to the bloody dark side.”
“I don’t think Sirius is going back because of his parents.” Lily tries weakly, memories flashing behind her eyes of the Black brothers coming back to school after the holidays, shells of themselves, both trying to hide it, but with Sirius usually being the life of the party, anything less than that made it easy to know that something was wrong.
“Yeah well, I used to think a lot of things about him.” Marlenes eyes are dark now, fully gone and lost in her hatred, and it brings bile and guilt up in Lilys throats, strangling, suffocating, choking her.
“I know,” Lily pauses, trying to find the right words, “that we have been let down by people we trust,” she forces out, despite the feeling of betrayal seeping into her bones at the words, “and that it’s hard to trust me-“
“It’s not that-“ Mary interrupts quickly.
“But that doesn’t mean you should blindly trust someone else. James and Sirius may be wrong-“
“Understatement.” Marlene scoffs out again, the anger not having left her tone.
“But they weren’t wrong about Dumbledore.” Lily concludes, trying to get her friends to trust her without exposing anything she can’t.
“He’s the only one you-know-who is afraid of.” Mary protests immediately.
“He’s a power hungry man, recruiting kids straight out of school, and letting the enemies be raised under the same roof without doing anything to help them.” Lily argues immediately, because James got it perfectly right, and although she already knew all of this, hearing it verbalised so clearly was sickening.
“Just because James and Sirius fucked us over, doesn’t mean we should revoke our trust in Lily.” Marlene tries, the anger still evident in her tone, but dulled slightly.
“I’m not asking you for blind trust,” Lily tries again, looking to Mary imploringly, “fuck if you didn’t want to even be in this war, if you ran away I would support you. I just won’t let you risk your life for that man.”
“It’s not for ‘that man’ it’s for the muggleborns, it’s for us.”
“And you can do that with me!” Lily bites out.
“Fine!” Mary yells back, before softening again, “Fine, I’ll follow you.”
Lily smiles her gaze flipping between the two girls, happy for this slight reprieve, she doesn’t have to go into this war alone, she isn’t losing her friends.
3 down, two to go.
“Peter!” Lily yells out as she watches the boy come out of the portrait hole she was just about to go into.
“Lily?” he questions, eyes darting around until he spots her to the side of him, running up the hallway.
“Hey Pete,” she looks closer at his face, “are you alright?”
“Oh, fine.”
“Pete?”
“Yeah?”
“We were both at the meeting yesterday, are you alright?” she tries, her gaze unrelenting, “You don’t have to be ok.”
“Well you seem fine,” Peter looks at her sadly, “And you’re the one who is most at risk from their stupid decisions, if you’re alright then I’m alright.”
“You being ok doesn’t have to be based on others Pete.”
“Well for this it is, I don’t even-“ he cuts himself off quickly, looking away.
“Don’t what?” she asks, curious, following his gaze, only to end up looking at nothing.
“Nothing, I just don’t think I’ll be angry till I actually see them in death eater robes killing someone.”
“If they’re in the robes, they’ll be in their masks, you won’t know it’s them.”
“Oh I’ll know,” he says, his gaze still off, “I’ve gotten pretty good at knowing where they are without seeing their face. After years of pranks with them, they are much more predictable than they think, I know all their tricks.”
“Did you know they’d switch sides?”
“Not in so many words.” When Lily doesn’t respond he continues, “I’m not really surprised either, as I said, predictable.” He smiles a soft smile, but his eyes are tinged with sadness and an undercurrent of determination Lily can’t place.
“And you aren’t mad?” she pushes again, she doesn’t want to stir anything, or cause more problems, especially when she knows the boys in question aren’t really bad, but she can’t help her need to know what he’s thinking.
“Not yet.” Is all she gets in responses, all she thinks she is going to get for a while, so she moves on.
“Ok, and what about Dumbledore?”
“What?”
“Do you trust him?” she asks for what feels like the thousandth time, it’s all she seems to be asking people these days.
“I-“ he pauses, “I don’t think trusting anyone these days is a good idea.”
“Do you trust anyone?”
“For my own sanity?” he asks, a bitter laugh seeping from his voice, “I’m choosing to continues trusting you, Remus, Marls, Mary. My parents. That’s it at this point I guess? Better safe than sorry.”
“If I tell you, I’m dragging our friends away from the order, that I want to fight the war without doing so from under Dumbledores control, what would you say?”
Peter smiles the first genuine smile she’s seen from him this entire conversation, “I’d say, Lily Evans, I have always known you’re a genius. But that is the smartest idea you’ve ever had.”
And she smiles straight back.
Another friend in the bag.
Later that evening there is an end of year Party for all the 7th year leavers. It’s being held in the Ravenclaw common room, Gryffindor originally wanted to host it, but it was decided, as the most war neutral house, it would be best if the final party was where all sides of the war can just be together, can be on neutral ground.
Not to say people acted civil at the party, there were still baby death eaters, muggleborns, blood traitors, and all of the above co-habituating the same spot, but they were trying.
Because this was the last chance of normalcy, and they were all trying for it.
The second she gets in the door with Mary, she spots Remus and Peter over in one corner with Marlene and Dorcas and immediately head over.
She wants to bring Dorcas out of Dumbledores grip, and although Marlene promised Dorcas would follow her anywhere, she wants to check in and welcome the girl to their 3rd side of the war herself.
After all she’s the one dragging all these people down her rabbit hole of the war, the least she can do is exchange recruitment pleasantries.
As they make their way across the common room, Lily watches all the flashing lights reflecting off of people’s faces, lights glimmering in fractions by the disco ball someone seems to have found, the music a mixture of wizard music, and some people trying to sneak muggle songs into the mix without causing a fight with the few Slytherins and future death eaters that decided to show up.
She sees Barty, Evan, Regulus, Sirius and James in a corner. Regulus looking bored as ever is stood slightly to the side, his expression annoyed as he keeps his eyes diverted from Barty and Evan who are making out to his left.
Sirius is stood, fidgeting as he continues to look longingly across the room at Remus, his eyes getting dimmer anytime someone that used to adore them as the ‘mischief makers’ of the school, skirts around their group or scowls in hatred. James is all smiles and grins, dimmer than usual, but Lily can see him putting all his energy into trying to get Sirius and Regulus to enjoy themselves, seemingly focusing on that rather than the newfound hatred being directed at him from his old friends.
Lily finds her gut clenching once more as she walks closer to the friends she can still associate with.
“Hey Lily.” Remus’ face lights up slightly at her arrival, and judging by the anger on Marlene’s face, she can easily guess why. As she goes to open her mouth and respond, she is immediately cut off by Marlene.
“Why the fuck are they here?” she snarls, and Lily doesn’t have to turn around to know where she’s looking.
“Because it’s a leavers party Marls, and like it or not, they’re leavers too.”
“It doesn’t excuse-“ she starts again, venom lacing her tone.
“Can we just focus on something else, I don’t want to spend our last night here focused on them.” Remus says, his eyes scrunching up.
“I agree.” Lily immediately seconds Remus’ request, sensing the other boys desperation for just a bit of normalcy.
Of course it was harder for him, he may know they aren’t actually traitors, not actually death eaters.
But he is still losing his boyfriend, and two of his best friends.
Actually, if anything, knowing they are still good probably hurt more. He couldn’t just work on getting over it, he had to worry day in and day out over whether or not Sirius was ok, whether he’d see him again.
So yes, Lily seconded his vote. They just needed to tune out the problems, have fun. And then, once everyone has gone to bed, they can sneak off to their own private leavers party, where they can be with who they want without fear of people seeing them.
Without fear of their secrets being exposed.
Remus’ Pov-
The rest of the party passed painfully slow.
The Ravenclaw common room was not nearly as decked up as the Gryffindor one was for parties, and the only reason they had a semi decent liquor supply was because Peter had managed (once again though no one knew how) to sneak into Hogsmeade and grab another selection of booze.
Which Remus was endlessly thankful for as he quickly downed glass after glass as if it was the only way he could tolerate getting through the party.
Which is kind of was, after all, it really seemed to be the only way he could manage watching everyone distancing themselves from his boyfriend, and being part of the group shunning him too.
Eventually it got so bad, he even had to cut himself off from the alcohol as he felt his inhibitions getting lower and lower and the reasoning for why he wasn’t going over to his boyfriend and snogging him senseless was slowly falling out of his grasp.
And he needed his inhibitions about him.
He couldn’t go about consorting with a known soon to be death eater.
Just the thought made his insides curl, people seeing Sirius as that, thinking of him as that. Losing faith in this brilliant man who is risking his life for the cause.
Granted he doesn’t know how exactly- the particulars- but he does know he is trying.
Does trust the man.
Does love him, and he intends to tell him, tonight.
Guess the drunken state of mind is enough to loosen lips, but not so bad he will do something irreversible.
Well, both are irreversible, kissing someone in front of a room of people is irreversible, telling secrets is irreversible.
But he doesn’t want this particular secret to be reversed. He doesn’t want to take it back, he wants it out there, in the world, forever.
He just wanted his own private room, their private party, their space, their honesty.
A moment to kiss Sirius, to be with him, before weeks without him again.
So as the party stuttered to a close, as he watched Peter crash out on his bed after making his way back to the Gryffindor dorm room, he snuck back out of the room, making his way down towards the common room where he met with Lily, sneaking back out of the portrait hole and into the corridors, shielded from view by the darkness of the night.
When they finally reached the room of requirement, the party seemed to be in full swing- well as full swing as a party can get with only 6/8 people.
James and Sirius were already in the corner, glasses in hand, drinking straight from the bottle, carefree laughter falling from their lips despite the anxiety lingering in their eyes-the worry the alcohol hadn’t quite curbed yet about what was to come.
Pandora was on the other side of the room, chatting with Barty, Evan and Regulus- the latter of which immediately made his way over to them once he saw their entrance.
“Lupin,” he spoke, nodding curtly, “Evans.”
It was an awfully stilted, awkward version of a conversation they hadn't had since before this boy became someone he had once considered a best friend.
They had spent many years studying together in the library, only falling apart in the past few months as loyalties were tested, and now- it was perfectly clear they were all on the same side- Remus couldn’t help but think 3 months was not enough time to reverse their previous conversations- argumentative and witty- to, well, this.
And Lily clearly seemed to agree, because she tutted (a rather teacher like tut) and immediately began to protest Regulus’ chosen dynamic for this conversation.
After all, the other boy clearly wanted to seek them out, he had sought them out the second they came into the room, and Remus can’t help thinking his feet moved before his head.
His conscious before his unconscious.
He wanted to be here, he just didn’t know how- not after everything.
“Regulus,” Lily responded, leaning forward to trap the other boy in the hug, which took him a good few seconds to lean into, “No more of that pureblood bullshit, you never fooled us.”
“And yet we haven’t spoken in 3 months.” He responded, a slight scowl to his face that was undercut by the fondness lingering in his eyes.
“Oh yeah? And who’s fault is that Mr I’m going to hide away from everyone so they can’t confront me.” Remus scoffed, his own smile slipping onto his face, at the familiarity that was coming back between the three of them, as if it had never left. The usual friendly banter.
“I did not hide away.”
“Well you didn’t exactly make yourself accessible either.”
At that Regulus simply rolled his eyes before walking off, turning his head back slightly to ask, “Well, are you coming? Or are you going off to start snogging my brother already.”
Remus chokes at that, before Regulus laughs, again, he always seems to find Remus’ pain funny, and continues, “What, not like you were hiding it?” Before continuing to walk off back towards Pandora, Lily quickly following behind as Remus heads over to the fellow marauders.
Well, some of them, Peter still has no idea what’s going on, and it pulls in his stomach, the guilt of it all gnawing at his gut.
But without even fully knowing what they’re hiding from him, he cant exactly stick up for the idea of letting him in on the secret.
And then it would be a matter of leaving Marlene, Dorcas and Mary out of the mix, it really was a mess.
“Remus! My love!” Sirius slurred draping himself over Remus, all the elegance of his usual movements gone out the window the moment the alcohol touched his lips.
“Hello Darling.” Remus smiled, a quick grin taking over his face as he took in his beautiful boyfriend in front of him, the alcohol from the earlier party still fogging around the edge of his brain, leaving him dopey and smiley and completely ignorant to the third boy watching them with an amused grin plastered on his face.
“Hey lovebirds, am I third wheeling or do I need to leave so you can chew each other’s faces off?” Comes James’ voice from just behind Sirius’ back where he is watching them both, humour etched into his expression. Making Remus laugh lightly.
In lew of an answer Sirius, who is still facing him, their faces inches apart, merely smirks before leaning in, pressing their lips together, and Remus, well he is happy to show rather than tell their answer, it just means there is more time for him to be attached to this amazing man.
His amazing man.
His boyfriend. It makes him smile just to think of, smile so wide their teeth are clinking together now that their mouths have parted, tongues exploring each other.
“Right, I’ll make my escape.” Comes James’ much more sober voice to their left, and Remus wants him to just shut up and leave already.
He loves James, he does.
He is worried about James, as much as he is about Sirius and what they’ve gotten themselves into, more sometimes, because he doesn’t know if he will be able to handle this life that the other 4 boys have been dealing with for years.
But he is worried because they’re leaving, and he won’t be able to check in.
So he needs to check in right now, check Sirius’ mouth.
It really is very important.
Besides no one else here is being split from their partner, no one else is dating as far as he knows, even if Barty and Evan seem unable to leave each other’s orbit.
So, really, he doesn’t have many protests to James giving them some privacy.
After about 5 minutes (or more, or less- all he knows is it wasn’t enough time), Lilys voice begins to ring through the room.
“All right, all right! Separate.”
No response, Sirius keeps licking into his mouth, arms roaming down his sides, either oblivious or not caring of the others complaints.
“Sirius.” Comes the voice again, Lilys he thinks.
Sirius hums non committedly into his mouth, loud enough that Remus could hear it and know Sirius heard the others, quiet enough that the others don’t know he is acknowledging them.
It makes Remus smiles slightly and laugh into the other boys mouth, unable to contain his amusement, and enjoyment of Sirius just being Sirius. But Sirius doesn’t seem to care about his laughter, if anything he views is at as a bigger opportunity to kiss into Remus’ mouth more, deepening the kiss to a point Remus didn’t realise he could reach. His laughter keeping his mouth open and available to the other boy.
“SIRIUS!” the voice yells this time, louder this time, and it takes Remus a moment to realise that it’s more than one voice calling for them, clearly aware Sirius is the one keeping them distracted.
He reluctantly pulls away from the other boy, eliciting a soft whine that causes James to laugh from across the room.
They finally turn around, eyes falling on their group of friends/acquaintances, waiting for them, only to find all of them staring back at them, varying amused and annoyed smirks on their faces.
It’s just Regulus avoiding eye contact, only looking at them enough that they can clearly see the disgust on his features.
“What?” Sirius rolls his own eyes, the annoyance on his face matching his brothers to a scary level, “I’m trying to kiss my boyfriend here.”
“You’ve been kissing your boyfriend for 10minutes.” Regulus spits back, now that Remus has finally detached from his brother he seems fine to revert to staring and glaring.
“Just because you’re chronically single.” Sirius spits back, hissing out the words like venom off his tongue, but Remus sees a slight twinkle in both brothers eyes, like they are fighting, but they are happy to be, because it means they are talking again.
Remus understands, it’s how he felt after that night at the whomping willow. He couldn’t handle being with Sirius, being friends, being in a dorm room, anything.
But being away from him hurt, he craved contact, conversation, anything, but wouldn’t let himself have it, wouldn’t let his pride out of the way.
He tried fighting with him, to use the anger to have the contact, he wanted anything, something.
But Sirius would never fight back, his guilt permanently overwhelming.
It got to the point he was craving arguments, arguing more with the other boy because he wouldn’t fight back, and he wanted him to, he needed him to fight back.
So although he doesn’t understand the brothers dynamic, he understands this.
“I’m not complaining because I’m single, I’m complaining because I don’t need to see my brother chewing someone face off.”
“Just because no one wants to chew your face off.”
“Great come back Sirius.” Regulus replies rolling his eyes, and at the same time Bartys voice breaks through the brothers fight,
“I would happily chew his face off,” Barty adds, a manic grin stretching across his face as the rest of the room turn to look at him, “I would happily do a lot more than that actually.” He adds, almost as if a happy afterthought, before Evan is jabbing him in the side.
“Hey, we’ve been over this, we would both happily let him in on a threesome,” he adds grinning as he rubs his arm up against the other boys, eliciting an eye roll from Evan even as he shrugs in apparent agreement and defeat. “Told you.” Barty turns back to look to Regulus “Offer still stands.”
And Regulus, the little shit that he is, decides not to deign anyone with a reply, leaving everyone’s imaginations up to themselves, causing Sirius to immediately begin protesting, leaving Remus to laugh at the realisation of why Regulus had elected to keep quiet.
“No, no my little brother is not having sex, he is a BABY!” Sirius yelled, distressed finally disentangling himself from Remus to grab at Regulus (ending in a childish scrap fight) and drag him away from Barty.
“Yeah well, your baby brothers hot.” Barty adds smirking even more as he watches Sirius start to gag.
“Ew, no, no, no!”
“My sex life is none of your business Sirius.” Cuts in Regulus’ cold and detached voice, standing to the side of his older brother after finally having gotten Sirius off of him.
“Can we stop talking about sex?” comes James’ weak voice to his left, and as Remus turns to look at him, he sees his eyes awkwardly darting around the room, never landing on Regulus.
Huh.
“Are you a prude James?” Regulus asks, glancing over at him, a smirk dancing on his lips as the other boys begins to respond, his words fumbling over each other in response.
“What no! I- well-“
“Do you think I’m not allowed to have sex James?” Regulus asks again, frowning slightly this time, as if he can’t decide whether this is all funny or demeaning, then again, Regulus has always been slightly oblivious in areas where relationship talk comes into play, he clearly doesn’t see the blush rising on James’ cheek.
“No of course not! Wait- no, I mean, yes, yes you can have sex, obviously everyone can have sex, I can have sex, you can have sex-“ his words are becoming more rapid by the minute, fumbling over each other as a blush continues to rise up and over his cheeks.
And clearly Remus is no longer the only one watching James fall apart and getting suspicious over it, as soon Evans voice is darting into the fold.
“Come on Regulus, of course James knows you can have sex, I mean, even a straight man like him can see that waist, those eyes, that smile, understand how hot you are.” he starts again, eyes boring into James, looking for any particular responses to his words, “I mean, come on, you’re fucking gorgeous.”
“Uh-“ James sputters out, clearly getting more overwhelmed by the minute, meanwhile Sirius seems so in shock and appalled by the conversation that he is simply stood off to the side, his hand fallen limply from where he had tried to pull Regulus back as he looks on at the conversation in shock, his eyes darting side to side.
“It’s such a slutty little waist James, feels so good under your hands.”
“How would you know?” James blurts out, the red on his face getting deeper, his eyes locking onto Barty.
“Experience.”
“Can we stop talking about my little brother having sex?” Sirius asks, his voice now much weaker than before.
“Please.” Regulus adds on, clearly exasperated enough by his group of friends that he is agreeing with his brother.
“Sure thing.” Evan starts.
“Once Potter admits it.” Barty adds on, talking in perfect tandem with Evan, as James turns to look at Remus, eyes begging him for help.
And Remus, takes pity. “Ok, as much as I love this conversation, you interrupted me kissing my boyfriend, for what?”
“Oh go back to it whilst we finish this conversation.” Barty cuts in, eyes distracted and still boring into James as he talks.
“No, no. It’s our last night together, before going into different sides of the war.” Lily interrupts before the conversation can spiral again.
“Exactly, and there are more people in this room that you aren’t going to see for a while other than each other.” Pandora adds a slight smile on her lips making her features look soft. But Sirius scowls at her all the same, clearly not close enough to her yet to let her get away with interrupting his make out time like he is with Lily.
“Exactly, so if you two could please come up for air long enough to have a conversation,” Lily adds, watching as Sirius walks away from Remus, arms raised in faux surrender before she continues, “that would be much appreciated.”
And then she is wrapping Sirius in her arms and pulling him into a hug, muttering something into his ear that no one hears but has Sirius nodding against her and holding her tighter.
Pandoras Pov-
Once the two lovebirds finally detached and Remus and Lily managed to stop Barty and Evans attack on James’ obvious interest in Regulus (well obvious to everyone except the two of them, and on second thought maybe Sirius) the group immediately went back to the drinks and chats.
They are all heavily aware of the fact that they will be separated soon enough, they will be on different sides of the war ( even if it’s only outwardly), some morals will have to be broken, and they won’t be around each other nearly enough for their individual peace of mind.
And they are deeply aware of how at risk the 5 boys joining the death eaters are are, of course Lily and Remus will also be at risk, but at least not from both sides.
And Pandora will mostly be in hiding. She does feel bad for not joining a side, leaving her friends to fight, fend for themselves while she hides out on the sidelines.
But it won’t change her mind. She does not believe in war, black and white cannot be applied to the likes of morality.
If she was to strike down a death eater (because if she was to join a side it would only ever be the side the death eaters aren’t on), all she will see is a person, a life she is taking out and she refuses to do that.
Because that’s what those people are, people. And sometimes she feels as though she is the only one that actually sees that.
She has a group of friends torn apart by this war, she has her friends and her brother joining the death eaters, so of course she knows that there are many reasons beyond pure evil that would cause people to join certain sides of the war.
Evil isn’t born, its taught. And she meant what she said in the hall, Dumbledore watches students be stereotyped based on houses they are put in at 11yrs old and he lets it happen.
He never once provides them with a proper opportunity to question their morality.
Slytherins are predominantly purebloods and half-bloods, raised on bad morals. And grouping them together? When will they ever get a chance to learn or question.
So no, she does not see a death eater and think they are the right person to kill, she does not see a person with bad morals and say they chose them.
The world is full of greys, and so many people are too scared to get caught up in hate speech, or accidentally say the wrong thing, that they end up doing the stereotyping themselves.
They become what they hate and no one seems to realise it.
They say all death eaters are bad because they are scared to be seen as sympathetic to Voldemort’s cause, scared to be seen as a bad person, scared to watch people turn of them because of a lack of faith.
And in order to stop those fears they don’t give people a chance, they see all Slytherins as predetermined death eaters, all death eaters as willingly choosing the life they are living.
Pandora won’t do that, she can’t.
She would rather die than join the war, she would rather die than make an allegiance, because joining either side means you are essentially agreeing that some people aren’t worth it.
And she can’t do that.
She was originally just going to live her life, deny both sides of the war, and If she died, she died, if she lived she lived.
Until one day Regulus came along.
“Hey Panda?”
“Yeah?”
“Can we talk?”
“Sure, what’s up?” she tried smiling slightly, but after the conversation they just had it feels weak, their friend group is falling apart, her brother is having a panic attack over her not wanting to go into hiding, and her friends are joining the death eaters who her other friend is aiming to kill.
Not that she thinks Dorcas could actually hurt any of the boys if it came down to it, but still.
“Not here.” He responds, eyes darting towards the dorm room door before grabbing her wrist and leading her away from his room and towards the 7th floor to their secret room.
His face seems impassive, but he is walking a tad quicker than normal, seemingly eager to get away from their common room. And she can recognise the signs of stress in her friend as easy as ever, even if to everyone else he seems like a stuck up stoic pureblood Black.
It’s not as if they have to hide their friendship, she is lucky enough to be a pureblood (not that she cares about blood status), but it means that Regulus doesn’t have to hide her away to appease his parents. It’s an easy friendship for him, and she can’t help but think he deserves it.
So, his eagerness to get away from the common room is clearly about what he needs to tell her, and that just raises her anticipation all the more.
When they finally reach their room on the 7th floor- the room of requirement the elves called it- Regulus quickly lets them both in before turning to look at her, his eyes determined, sympathy tinging the corners.
“Reg,” she tries again, he looks determined, but she can see the nerves thrumming under his skin, the way his shoulders remained tense after they came through the door.
Usually he relaxes his perfect ‘Black heir’ posture around her and their other friends- unless he is actively trying to hide something, which to be fair is often- but right now he has that same level of authority floating around him, it would be chilling if she wasn’t so comfortable with the boy.
“What is it?” she asks gently, staying stood near the door, giving him space, room to breathe.
“I think you should go into hiding.”
“Reg,” she immediately starts, fighting to keep the fight out of her tone, she knows he is stressed, knows she doesn’t want to add to it, but still, they’ve been over this, he knows her, knows she only old Evan she would consider it so he would relax.
But still, she’s not surprised he is pushing it. “You know I said I would only consider it so Evan could relax, I am not going to waste my life away in hiding, this war has gone on for too long already. I want to live Reg, I just want to live.” She pleads.
Because no, she doesn’t need his permission, but she needs his understanding, she needs him on her side. She is losing too much to this war, she is already losing him to the death eaters, she can’t lose him this way too.
He can be far gone, off in the throes of war, she could never speak to him again, but she will always have him as long as they understand each other.
She understands him, she needs him to understand her.
This war can take many things, but understanding of people, it’s something she has always had for everyone, the world is a mixture- shades of greys, and she believes in people, in concepts, it allows her to see the world in a different light.
It makes it so much harder for the world to take people from her, because she will always understand them.
But it’s so rare people understand her back.
Regulus though, Regulus does, she knows he does. She needs that, that belief in the world, in some sense, the strength given to that belief had stemmed from Regulus, and she can’t lose that, she can’t- not in this war.
A boy who had never had a kind moment all his life, a truly kind moment, given to him, even as a child.
After all, all his happiness had only ever come in the form of bandages simply placed over pain. His brother comforting him after punishment, his friends trying to pull away his mask. It was never true happiness, his happiness only ever came in the form of shields from pain.
And yet he never seeks something better, never tries for better.
He acts as this aloof person, and yet he lets his brother step on him to lift himself out of an abusive household.
He befriends a half blood who will join the order, because he would rather risk his parents wrath than push her away.
Regulus Black is good, and so many people ignore that, because he is a Slytherin, a predisposed death eater.
They don’t seem to realise it is their prejudice pushing these people, these Slytherins away, that if anything these people who are so focused on the greater good, are acting as a recruitment team for the death eaters.
Shoving people, shoving Slytherins into their grasp, because they have nowhere else to go.
And then they call themselves good.
So many people forget the person before the bad decision, they let the mistake, the panic define you, they never give you a chance for retribution because the second you make a mistake they become blind to the person you were, the person who deserved retribution.
Regulus Black is a perfect shade of grey. He is one of the few people who understands her. He is about to be torn away from her.
She needs him to at least maintain understanding.
“I know,” Regulus starts before beginning to pace, then seemingly remembering himself he draws to a stop posture perfect again and she just wants him to relax, to be him, with her he should be him, “I know.”
“Then what-“
“What if the war doesn’t last forever?” he asks, and she wants to answer, but there is a manic, panicked look in his eye and she is stumped into silence.
“What if-“ he stops, starts, moves again, stops, posture perfect, chin up, paces, pauses, eye contact, looks away, “What if, I can guarantee you it won’t be forever.”
“Reg wha-“
“If I can guarantee you won’t have to hide forever, that you would live one day, have a full life, that you just have to go into hiding for a few years to ensure that happens, what would you say?”
“Reg what’s going on?”
“What would you say?”
“That I’m worried you’re going to do something stupid.”
“I’m fine,” two words so often falling of his lips they no longer mean a single thing to her, “What would you say?”
“That my life is not worth yours.”
He stops in his pacing, pausing once more.
“You know that right?” she tries again, but no matter his answer she knows the truth.
“That isn’t the point of this, ignore other factors, would you do it?”
“No.” she replies simply. And once again, her response gives him pause.
“No?”
“No.” she shrugs lightly, finally moving further into the room and settling down against the burgundy couch, looking back up at him, blowing a strand of hair out of her face.
“Pandora,” her full name, great,” you have a chance to live.”
“I have that chance right now.”
“You won’t survive.”
“Hiding isn’t living, I want to live.”
“You can live, you just need to survive first. Pandora.” He stresses out, begging with her by just saying her name, pleading in a way he wouldn’t with anyone else.
“Regulus, I am not going into hiding.”
“Please.”
“That only works with my brother.”
“Why won’t you care when I ask?”
“Because Evan doesn’t make me feel like I need to put him on suicide watch.”
“I don’t need suicide watch.” He all but pouts, and she represses the urge to laugh gently.
“Reg-“
“And even if I did,” he offers begrudgingly, “wouldn’t that mean it’s better to appease my needs?”
“No, now if you tell me what you’re doing?” she offers, trailing off at the end, giving him room to mull it over.
He stands and stops to look at her once again, seemingly weighing pros and cons over in his head, after about a minute he seems to reluctantly reach a conclusion.
“Have you heard of horcruxes?”
“Of course.”
He smiles slightly in response, “Well, Voldemort has one, I think more than one, I know where it is, he hasn’t died yet because he can’t, but if I can get it-“
“He can be killed.” She responds, a slight smile flitting across her face as she takes in the intelligence of the person in front of her.
“Yes,” Regulus smiles softly, satisfied, “so, will you go into hiding.”
“Yes.” He smiles, a sort of relaxation falling over him that doesn’t last long as she starts to speak again, “However,” she watches as his smile quickly falls again and laughs lightly, “I will research-“
“Ok.”
“And-“ she continues on, ignoring his interruption, “I will join you when you find them, when we find locations to search and things to look for, I will join you on those mission.”
She watches as he goes to open his mouth, seemingly to protest, a furrow deep in his brows, but she beats him to it, “This man has man one, potentially more, of the darkest artifacts in the world, he is immortal, he is a skilled wizard in the dark arts, you are not going to locations where his soul is hidden by yourself.”
She zoned quickly back into the party, her mind all over the place in a collection of memories, only getting a second to compose herself before she sees Sirius quickly storming across the room and towards her.
“I don’t trust you.” the first words out of his mouth and she can practically hear the venom lacing their way through them.
“Well,” she starts, her voice soft and calm in the way that tends to infuriate people who are trying to argue with her, “that’s your prerogative, it’s not a very trusting time in the world is it?” she smiles sympathetically and watches as he seethes in her direction causing her to internally laugh.
“No,” he says slowly, “it’s not.”
“And you’re brother is in a very precarious position in this war.” She offers up to almost help his argument.
“He is, and the first time I found that out, he was in a coma.”
“Petrified actually.”
“I don’t care, he was unconscious for a week and I didn’t know. he was unconscious and it happened on your watch.”
“I’m not his keeper.”
“No, but you are his supposed friend.”
“Friend.” She says firmly, eyes blazing slightly.
“What?” he asks, the annoyance still firm in his voice.
“There is no supposed about it.”
“Well I don’t let my friends nearly die, so excuse me if I’m doubting the nature of your friendship with my brother.”
“Let’s see how long that lasts.” She spits back, Pandora is usually a kind soul, she knows this. But there are some things that can get even under her skin. She understands why Sirius is being defensive of his brother, but that does not change the fact that Regulus is her brother too.
“What?” and he steps slowly into her space.
“Let’s see how long your friends stay safe under your watch.”
“None of my friends will be hurt if I can help it.”
“But will you be able to help it?” she asks, stepping into his space this time, eye to eye, he’s small for a boy and she’s tall for a girl, making them evenly matched, making his idea of intimidation worthless as they meet the same height, “When you go into this war, when you fake being in the death eaters dragging James right behind you into the line of fire, will you be able to keep him safe?”
“I-“ he falters, and she cuts in.
“And what about Regulus?” she watches his eyes dim slightly more, and she knows she should stop, but they will get nowhere in this war with hiding things, he needs to trust her enough to let her help. And they will get no where in the war with blind optimism, she believes in looking on the bright side, but not naively, Sirius needs to acknowledge the risk he is walking into when becoming a death eater.
And that starts with honesty, brutal honesty. “Well, you hardly saved him the first time. What makes you think you can help him this time, it’s not the other end of mummy and daddy’s wand, you can’t simply distract Voldemort.”
She watches him waver and continues once more, “You don’t need to trust me, you just need to let me help. Your brother is at risk enough right now, I can help with research, I can help this war end quicker. And the quicker it ends, the better. So no I don’t need you trust me, I just need you to let me help.”
“Well it’s much easier to trust me than you, he’s my brother.” He snarls back, some of his confidence regained.
“Maybe,” she concedes, “But he’s my brother too. And I don’t trust that you won’t save James over him.”
“I don’t trust you won’t save Evan over him.”
“I won’t have to make that choice, they would die for each other, you however? Well I look forward to seeing what you do, after all, you’ve already left him once, who’s to say you won’t do it again?” she steps further this time, until she is by his face, whispering into his ear, “ And you best make the right choice, because unlike you, I am not so lenient with people hurting my brother.”
And she walks off without looking back to see his reaction.
As the evening goes on, she continues to move around the party, taking her advantage of talking and being with all these people before they get on the train tomorrow and it splits them all apart.
After all these are her friends, her brothers, and new potential friends too.
Maybe even Sirius if he gets off his high horse long enough.
Or if this war ends and Regulus is still alive, then she will accept him.
In the meantime she just wants to take in this party, and most of all, the beautiful red head across the room.
“Evans.” She greets as she walks over to the other girl, her time with the Slytherins leaving her resorting to some sort of base impulse to call people by their last names.
“Lily, please.” She spins, turning her smile on Pandora, so beautiful and kind that Pandora kind of zones out, barely aware of Remus stood just behind the two of them looking on in amusement before Sirius comes and steals him away, flashing a glare at her that she doesn’t seem to see.
“Sorry, Lily.” She smiles down at the other girl who is just an inch smaller than her, it’s not much- probably the perfect distance that she could tilt her chin up slightly, hold it there as she-
“Are you alright?” comes the other girls voice, a slight frown tinging her brows as they lock eyes, and they are the most vibrant green Pandora has ever seen.
Everything about this girl screams life, her hair and her eyes, and the beautiful personality that seems to even pull even Sirius under her control.
“I’m fine.” Pandora laughs softly, “Just had to get away from Sirius.”
“Oh?” the other girl frowns again, titling her head to the side slightly to look over her shoulder at where (Pandora assumes) Sirius must be, “Did he do something?” she asks again, looking back to Pandora, “I know he can be a lot, but he really doesn’t mean any harm.”
“I think he did actually.” She offers, her voice level and tone soft, not bothered by it in the slightest, merely continuing conversation.
“What? What happened?”
“He doesn’t trust me with Regulus.” Pandora shrugs lightly, trying to dispel any notion that she cares.
“He loves his brother,” Lily starts, sympathy shining in her eyes, “I don’t think he trusts anyone with his brother, not even himself,” she laughs slightly, the melody falling sweetly from her mouth, gracing Pandoras ears, but it still sounds sad, “he shouldn’t make you uncomfortable though, that’s not right.”
“But?” Pandora offers, seeing the hesitance in the other girls expression and choosing to question it.
“But,” Lily supplies, albeit reluctantly, “wouldn’t you be the same if it was about Evan? Aren’t you being the same right now, with it being about Regulus?”
“Yes. So I do understand why he is being so…”
“Dramatic?” she offers with a hesitant laugh.
“Yes, dramatic. I understand why he would be cruel, so he should understand the same in reverse.”
“This war,” Lily starts slowly, “It’s going to be hard, there are enough people against us, we haven’t even chosen a side, we all made our own instead. We are against everyone. We only truly have the people in this room, and we can only truly be honest with each other, James, Sirius and Regulus. Maybe, don’t push everyone away just yet.”
“I see everyone in this room,” Pandora starts slowly, “and I want to choose trust, I want to believe in my friends, I want to believe in my friends friends. But when I see everyone in this room, I see risk, I see casualty and I see death. And I see Regulus as the most at risk.”
“Fear, should not control you.” Lily argues, concern in her eyes, contorting her features.
“No, but it should be headed. This room is a much bigger threat in the war than people realise, we are bigger risks to each other than we acknowledge. I think Regulus is the most at risk of all of us, and Sirius is the biggest risk to him.”
“Sirius would never hurt him.”
“He already has.”
“And he won’t again.” Lily argues, strength folding into her tone, “Sirius left that house because Regulus told him to.”
“And he listened, Regulus has no regard for self-preservation, and despite everything, he has unrelenting faith in his brother. He won’t be focused on keeping himself alive, he will be focused on his brother. And if his brother has to make a choice, I don’t trust that he will choose Regulus.”
“He will.” Lily argues, her eyes blazing.
“Between him and James? Him and Remus?”
“You don’t know him, you don’t know how much he loves his brother.”
“You’re right, I don’t. And that is precisely why I don’t trust him. someone needs to have Regulus’ back, because he most certainly won’t have his own, and I don’t see anyone else vying for the position.”
“Sirius will.”
“Well,” and Pandora smiles once more, “I look forward to seeing that, for now, my focus is on ending this war and making sure my friends survive it.” She goes to walk away, but Lilys voice beckons her back in for a moment.
“You can’t just survive, you need to live. Otherwise there is no point surviving this war.”
A smile graces Pandoras features as she turns back to the other girl, “That’s what I’ve always said,” she responds, a wistful tone lilting her voice, “Unfortunately, a friend has requested I survive this war. So I am going to make sure we do both, and that requires a little cynicism.”
“Not too much I hope?” is Lilys response, her eyes shining with something Pandora cant place.
“No, not too much. I want us all to live after all.”
Living and surviving are very different after all.